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We’ve had many clients ask us about the big question of whether or not to stay in a job that doesn’t feel right. It can be a challenging decision because sometimes it’s the job and sometimes it’s you. And sometimes it doesn’t matter whether it’s the job or it’s you - if you aren’t willing or able to change the circumstances and/or your relationship to them, it’s just not going to work.
Let’s start with some clues that a change is in order. Do any of these apply to your relationship with your work?
- You’re bringing negative energy from your work life into the rest of your life. Your work life is spilling over into - and degrading - your non-work life.
- You feel guilty or conflicted about aspects of the work you do, or how the company operates.
- You’re trying to isolate your career from the rest of your life (or from your own consciousness). For instance, you tell yourself, “It’s only my job” or “Well, it pays the bills.”
- You’re unenthusiastic, bored, or tuning out at work.
- You feel unable to fit into, and/or unaccepted by, the company culture.
- You dread going to work.
- You’re “phoning it in” or “half-assing it.” Or you start doing things to sabotage your work.
- You start making careless mistakes.
- Your work environment feels “toxic” - for instance, your coworkers or boss is verbally abusive or hostile in other ways, or aspects of the environment are causing harm.
The more of the above questions you answered yes to, the greater the likelihood that there’s a problem. Perhaps it’s time to find a new job. However, it’s possible that you just need a new perspective.
You might benefit from making a list of your “career needs” - that is, the things you simply won’t compromise on when it comes to your work. Be sure to distinguish needs from wants. For instance, while you may want an office with a lovely view, in actuality, if everything else were in place (for example: positive culture, opportunities to be creative, alignment with your values and purpose, feeling appreciated by your coworkers, good benefits, feeling safe and accepted, etc.), maybe the view wouldn’t really matter.
The valuable part about getting clear about your needs is that it makes the path forward easier. If you discover that one of your needs isn’t being met in this job, you really have just two options: (1) see if it’s possible for something to be changed so that this need can be met (2) find another job. When there’s an unmet need in your career (and, again, I want to emphasize that needs are absolutely non-negotiable), you’ll feel it nagging at you - even if you haven’t pinpointed it yet. If you don’t address it directly, you’ll likely employ a variety of indirect (perhaps even unconscious) ways to cause change - like avoidance, sabotage, half-assing it, blaming the job for your unhappiness, etc.
If, on the other hand, you determine that the job really does meet your needs, then the problem is something else. Maybe the issue is your own buttons or limiting beliefs. If so, the good news is you don’t need to start job hunting. You may need to do some personal work that could be at least as challenging as changing jobs, but this will serve you much more than switching workplaces.
However you decide to manage it, I’d like to suggest Sacred Expansion - a stand-alone portion of the Dragontree Life Coach training - as a powerful and effective way to know yourself, release baggage, and get super clear on what you want (and need). And hey, if you actually do want to change jobs, you might consider becoming a life coach. The world needs more people helping others to live to their potential, and our program is great.
I invite you to speak to one of our Life Coaches to help guide you to find work that inspires you, how to create peace in the job you currently have.
Next time I’ll talk about some ways to change how you’re showing up. I definitely don’t want you to stay in a workplace that’s harmful to you, but if it’s merely not everything you want it to be, there’s an opportunity to engage your power of choice and make it something different.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => 9 Signals that You’re Not In Love With Your Job (And what to do next...)
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Don't deprive the world of your warmth and light!
How can you share your acceptance and love with the world? Leave a comment below and let us know.
[post_title] => Talking Wellness with Peter: The Fire Element (video)
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[post_content] => The other day, my 81-year-old neighbor told me that he was taking a shower when, over the sound of the rushing water, he suddenly heard a combination of yelping and snarling noises. He immediately knew what it was: coyotes attacking his little dog. He ran outside, scared the coyotes away, and started tending to his dog’s wounds. Then his wife came outside. “She tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Honey, you’re standing naked in the front yard.’ Oops! So I was!”
A few months ago we moved to a rural area. It’s the farthest I’ve ever lived from other people. While I looked forward to having more land to do things like raise chickens and grow our own food, I was also concerned that I would feel isolated and lonely. Then I met this gentleman. A few days after we moved in, he introduced himself with an armload of tomatoes and zucchini from his garden. He noticed that we hadn’t mowed our lawn yet, so a few hours later he returned on his tractor and mowed it for us. He’s a master gardener and woodworker, and offered unlimited horticultural advice and the use of his tools.
Many times I’ve said to myself, “What an absolute treasure.” The same goes for many of my other neighbors, most of whom are at least a generation older than me. I’m reminded of my earliest studies in psychology, when I was attracted to the developmental theory of Erik Erikson.
Erikson theorized that humans move through eight stages of psychosocial development. At each stage, he said, we are presented with a challenge or “crisis” between two conflicting qualities. One of these qualities supports our growth and evolution while the other thwarts it. If we choose to adopt the former, we develop a
virtue associated with that stage.
In the first stage (Oral-Sensory), roughly from birth to age two, all of our basic needs are met by our parents and other caregivers. We are utterly dependent on others, and we are faced with the crisis of Trust versus Mistrust, which Erikson characterized with the question, “Can I trust the world?” If our parents are consistent, kind, dependable, and loving, we are likely to develop trust in others and a fundamental trust in ourselves. This leads to the virtue of hope, which helps us navigate the upcoming stages. If not, we are likely to become mistrustful of the world – seeing it as undependable and unpredictable.
For the sake of space, I’m just going to give you the nutshell versions of the next handful – until we get to the elder years. The ages given for the following can vary somewhat.
• Stage 2. From ages 2 through 4, the crisis is between
autonomy versus
shame and
doubt. The existential question is, “Is it okay to be me?” And the virtue presented is
will.
• Stage 3. From ages 4 through 5, the crisis is between
initiative versus
guilt. The existential question is, “Is it okay for me to do, move, and act?” And the virtue presented is
purpose.
• Stage 4. From age 5 through 12, the crisis is between
industry versus
inferiority. The existential question is, “Can I make it in the world of people and things?” And the virtue presented is
competence.
• Stage 5. From ages 13 through 19, the crisis is between
identity versus
role confusion. The existential question is, “Who am I and what can I be?” And the virtue presented is
fidelity.
• Stage 6. From age 20 through 39, the crisis is between
intimacy versus
isolation. The existential question is, “Can I love?” And the virtue presented is
love.
Now we come to the age ranges of my amazing neighbors. From age 40 through 64, the crisis is between
generativity versus
stagnation. The existential question is, “Can I make my life count?” The virtue presented is
care. Erikson felt that during middle adulthood, the main task is to contribute to society and help guide and support future generations. Embracing this mantle makes us
generative whereas a self-centered life leads to
stagnation.
From age 65 to death, we face the crisis of
integrity versus
despair. The existential question is, “Is it okay to have been me?” As we become less productive and perhaps feel less useful to society, it’s possible to slip into despair, especially if we look back at our life through a lens of negativity, regret, or criticism. Alternatively, if we’re able to look back at the goodness we’ve enjoyed and shared, the ways we have served and accomplished, we experience
integrity and the virtue of
wisdom emerges.
Several years ago, as I witnessed the decline of some older patients who became bitter and sad, I began to recognize one of the primary fears of the elderly: to have nothing that the rest of the world values – being useless, wrinkled, irrelevant, confused, and a burden on others. And I thought, “What a horrible way to end life.”
But as I enjoy the company of my new neighbors, feeling anything but isolated, grateful to have healthy
elders as friends, I know such a course isn’t inevitable. These folks have clearly chosen
generativity and
integrity. They share their wisdom and worth with the world. And I believe they would continue to do so even if they were disabled and unable to help out, because it’s a state of mind, really. It’s inspiring and encouraging to know that such choices are available to me as I age, and that such individuals are available to help us navigate the way.
What has your experience of elderhood been? Are you an elder? What are your struggles and triumphs? Share your wisdom with our community!
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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We’ve had many clients ask us about the big question of whether or not to stay in a job that doesn’t feel right. It can be a challenging decision because sometimes it’s the job and sometimes it’s you. And sometimes it doesn’t matter whether it’s the job or it’s you - if you aren’t willing or able to change the circumstances and/or your relationship to them, it’s just not going to work.
Let’s start with some clues that a change is in order. Do any of these apply to your relationship with your work?
- You’re bringing negative energy from your work life into the rest of your life. Your work life is spilling over into - and degrading - your non-work life.
- You feel guilty or conflicted about aspects of the work you do, or how the company operates.
- You’re trying to isolate your career from the rest of your life (or from your own consciousness). For instance, you tell yourself, “It’s only my job” or “Well, it pays the bills.”
- You’re unenthusiastic, bored, or tuning out at work.
- You feel unable to fit into, and/or unaccepted by, the company culture.
- You dread going to work.
- You’re “phoning it in” or “half-assing it.” Or you start doing things to sabotage your work.
- You start making careless mistakes.
- Your work environment feels “toxic” - for instance, your coworkers or boss is verbally abusive or hostile in other ways, or aspects of the environment are causing harm.
The more of the above questions you answered yes to, the greater the likelihood that there’s a problem. Perhaps it’s time to find a new job. However, it’s possible that you just need a new perspective.
You might benefit from making a list of your “career needs” - that is, the things you simply won’t compromise on when it comes to your work. Be sure to distinguish needs from wants. For instance, while you may want an office with a lovely view, in actuality, if everything else were in place (for example: positive culture, opportunities to be creative, alignment with your values and purpose, feeling appreciated by your coworkers, good benefits, feeling safe and accepted, etc.), maybe the view wouldn’t really matter.
The valuable part about getting clear about your needs is that it makes the path forward easier. If you discover that one of your needs isn’t being met in this job, you really have just two options: (1) see if it’s possible for something to be changed so that this need can be met (2) find another job. When there’s an unmet need in your career (and, again, I want to emphasize that needs are absolutely non-negotiable), you’ll feel it nagging at you - even if you haven’t pinpointed it yet. If you don’t address it directly, you’ll likely employ a variety of indirect (perhaps even unconscious) ways to cause change - like avoidance, sabotage, half-assing it, blaming the job for your unhappiness, etc.
If, on the other hand, you determine that the job really does meet your needs, then the problem is something else. Maybe the issue is your own buttons or limiting beliefs. If so, the good news is you don’t need to start job hunting. You may need to do some personal work that could be at least as challenging as changing jobs, but this will serve you much more than switching workplaces.
However you decide to manage it, I’d like to suggest Sacred Expansion - a stand-alone portion of the Dragontree Life Coach training - as a powerful and effective way to know yourself, release baggage, and get super clear on what you want (and need). And hey, if you actually do want to change jobs, you might consider becoming a life coach. The world needs more people helping others to live to their potential, and our program is great.
I invite you to speak to one of our Life Coaches to help guide you to find work that inspires you, how to create peace in the job you currently have.
Next time I’ll talk about some ways to change how you’re showing up. I definitely don’t want you to stay in a workplace that’s harmful to you, but if it’s merely not everything you want it to be, there’s an opportunity to engage your power of choice and make it something different.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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I love this post. Thanks Dr Peter!
Thank you for the info. I have cirrhosis of the liver and my gallbladder is only working at 10%, I’m constantly in pain and my doctors won’t help me, do you have any advice,? Thank you, Dana
They say I have fatty lungs and I’m struggling to breathe when I swim I want to detox my lungs?
You might look into n-acetyl cysteine (NAC). It could be of possible benefit (long term). If this is due to pulmonary fibrosis, perhaps you could benefit from taking fibrinolytic enzymes, such as lumbrokinase, serrapeptase, or nattokinase on an empty stomach (also long term). Without seeing you in person and knowing your case, though, I can’t say whether these are appropriate for you, so I recommend discussing them with your doctor.