The Dragontree

“You’re mad at me all the time for the most ridiculous things.”

This is a line from a journal that I shared with a girlfriend of mine in middle school. A couple months ago I was at my papa’s house going through my junk and memorabilia stored in his basement for the last couple decades and was a little heart sick to read this note.

I remember feeling that way – upset, so much of the time.

And it wasn’t just a passing pre-teen/teen phase for me. When I was in school for Ayurvedic medicine we were studying the emotions of each of the Dosha’s and our teacher said, “In fact, some Pitta people find themselves angry one or two times a day!” Which incited a gasp of amazement from everyone in the class except me and one other girl who were in utter shock that that wasn’t the reality of everyone. In fact, we looked at each other and said “Really? Only one or two times a day?!”

Even after years of integrity training and working on my mind and being, anger was still my “go-to” emotion. Most people wouldn’t have known it at that point – I rarely expressed overt anger toward people that weren’t really close to me. But, as Peter can attest, those closest to me were still on the receiving end of my anger regularly. It was causing pain in my life and the lives of people I loved – and the awareness of where it came from in my life and noticing the patterns and taking time before saying anything when I was triggered wasn’t helping enough.

I read my first spiritual book when I was 13. My amazing step-mom, Ann, gave me the Tao of Pooh to read and it set me on a path of inquiry that’s persisted. However, a new quality of calling on to that path happened a couple years ago, and I started being more committed to my spiritual life: reading or listening to my favorite teachers every day, morning and evening meditation, and dedicated writing every night in my journal.

My intention wasn’t to banish anger – my intention was to be more connected to my soul.

But, as the Universe would have it, the more connected I felt, the slower anger came, and the more space I had to notice what was happening and act from a different place in myself. And, with time, anger just kind of dissipated from my system. Not that I can’t access anger when it’s appropriate, but it’s no longer in control – it isn’t front and center – and now when it comes it becomes more of a catalyst for aligned action, rather than as a weapon of pain.

Anger is just one of the many emotions that can run us humans. Maybe it isn’t the thing for you, maybe it’s anxiety, sadness, worry, hopelessness, self-doubt, jealousy, or angers-little-sister: irritability. None of these feelings are bad – certainly it’s important for us to be present with our emotions and not stuff them down or deny them, it’s just when we allow our feelings to run us we miss an opportunity to align with something deeper within ourselves.
Having this practice in my life has been the biggest gift. Not just releasing anger, but forgiving myself when I have anger (or sadness or hopelessness or any other emotion), forgiving those I’m angry with, being more in touch with my body, feeling more connected with my fellow humans, awareness and communion with nature, and more ease and peace and love and joy in all of my moments, even the really hard ones.

“It’s so nice that you just aren’t angry at me all the time anymore. It makes a huge difference in my life, I feel so much more relaxed and peaceful.”

Peter said this to me about four months ago. And my heart nearly melted, I felt like I’d really finally arrived in the wholeness I’d always been seeking. And I agreed, I feel more relaxed and peaceful too.

That’s why Peter and I wrote our new book, Rituals for Transformation: 108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life, because we know that impact it can have on your life, because it’s had that impact on our lives.

This is the practice to reconnect us to the deepest part of ourselves and then shine our light into the world.

And reconnecting is the solution to the epidemic levels of depression and anxiety we’re experiencing as a culture, the violence we inflict upon each other, the body hatred, the massive fear, the judgement and criticism of ourselves and others, and the abuse of our planet.

We need to wake up, speak out, and love hard.