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[post_content] => The other day, my 81-year-old neighbor told me that he was taking a shower when, over the sound of the rushing water, he suddenly heard a combination of yelping and snarling noises. He immediately knew what it was: coyotes attacking his little dog. He ran outside, scared the coyotes away, and started tending to his dog’s wounds. Then his wife came outside. “She tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Honey, you’re standing naked in the front yard.’ Oops! So I was!”
A few months ago we moved to a rural area. It’s the farthest I’ve ever lived from other people. While I looked forward to having more land to do things like raise chickens and grow our own food, I was also concerned that I would feel isolated and lonely. Then I met this gentleman. A few days after we moved in, he introduced himself with an armload of tomatoes and zucchini from his garden. He noticed that we hadn’t mowed our lawn yet, so a few hours later he returned on his tractor and mowed it for us. He’s a master gardener and woodworker, and offered unlimited horticultural advice and the use of his tools.
Many times I’ve said to myself, “What an absolute treasure.” The same goes for many of my other neighbors, most of whom are at least a generation older than me. I’m reminded of my earliest studies in psychology, when I was attracted to the developmental theory of Erik Erikson.
Erikson theorized that humans move through eight stages of psychosocial development. At each stage, he said, we are presented with a challenge or “crisis” between two conflicting qualities. One of these qualities supports our growth and evolution while the other thwarts it. If we choose to adopt the former, we develop a
virtue associated with that stage.
In the first stage (Oral-Sensory), roughly from birth to age two, all of our basic needs are met by our parents and other caregivers. We are utterly dependent on others, and we are faced with the crisis of Trust versus Mistrust, which Erikson characterized with the question, “Can I trust the world?” If our parents are consistent, kind, dependable, and loving, we are likely to develop trust in others and a fundamental trust in ourselves. This leads to the virtue of hope, which helps us navigate the upcoming stages. If not, we are likely to become mistrustful of the world – seeing it as undependable and unpredictable.
For the sake of space, I’m just going to give you the nutshell versions of the next handful – until we get to the elder years. The ages given for the following can vary somewhat.
• Stage 2. From ages 2 through 4, the crisis is between
autonomy versus
shame and
doubt. The existential question is, “Is it okay to be me?” And the virtue presented is
will.
• Stage 3. From ages 4 through 5, the crisis is between
initiative versus
guilt. The existential question is, “Is it okay for me to do, move, and act?” And the virtue presented is
purpose.
• Stage 4. From age 5 through 12, the crisis is between
industry versus
inferiority. The existential question is, “Can I make it in the world of people and things?” And the virtue presented is
competence.
• Stage 5. From ages 13 through 19, the crisis is between
identity versus
role confusion. The existential question is, “Who am I and what can I be?” And the virtue presented is
fidelity.
• Stage 6. From age 20 through 39, the crisis is between
intimacy versus
isolation. The existential question is, “Can I love?” And the virtue presented is
love.
Now we come to the age ranges of my amazing neighbors. From age 40 through 64, the crisis is between
generativity versus
stagnation. The existential question is, “Can I make my life count?” The virtue presented is
care. Erikson felt that during middle adulthood, the main task is to contribute to society and help guide and support future generations. Embracing this mantle makes us
generative whereas a self-centered life leads to
stagnation.
From age 65 to death, we face the crisis of
integrity versus
despair. The existential question is, “Is it okay to have been me?” As we become less productive and perhaps feel less useful to society, it’s possible to slip into despair, especially if we look back at our life through a lens of negativity, regret, or criticism. Alternatively, if we’re able to look back at the goodness we’ve enjoyed and shared, the ways we have served and accomplished, we experience
integrity and the virtue of
wisdom emerges.
Several years ago, as I witnessed the decline of some older patients who became bitter and sad, I began to recognize one of the primary fears of the elderly: to have nothing that the rest of the world values – being useless, wrinkled, irrelevant, confused, and a burden on others. And I thought, “What a horrible way to end life.”
But as I enjoy the company of my new neighbors, feeling anything but isolated, grateful to have healthy
elders as friends, I know such a course isn’t inevitable. These folks have clearly chosen
generativity and
integrity. They share their wisdom and worth with the world. And I believe they would continue to do so even if they were disabled and unable to help out, because it’s a state of mind, really. It’s inspiring and encouraging to know that such choices are available to me as I age, and that such individuals are available to help us navigate the way.
What has your experience of elderhood been? Are you an elder? What are your struggles and triumphs? Share your wisdom with our community!
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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Today is the pre-release for our new book, called Rituals for Transformation, which we wrote over the past year. It feels a little daunting to put it out in the world, because it goes places where our previous works haven’t.
Our earlier efforts were mainly about teaching people how to make material changes in their lives. We taught things like self-care, goal setting, planning, and relationship building. We’ve seen great value in this work, and have tons of success stories to back it up, but we saw a need to go deeper.
While there is so much about our material circumstances that to be grateful for, we feel there’s an even higher aim: a state of wellbeing that’s with us regardless of circumstances. All along, we’ve touched on the psychological and spiritual perspectives that go along with an exceptional life, but this is the first work we’ve dedicated entirely to this dimension.
For us, the most effective programs for change involved being immersed in a group or training for an extended period of time without breaks, and that’s what we intended to create here. It’s a framework for transformation – for healing the mind, changing perspective, and opening to Spirit. A 108-day course for developing the kind of outlook that makes peace and joy accessible regardless of what’s happening in your life.
Knowing how busy people are these days, we made it so that you can benefit from it even if you’re only able to dedicate a modest amount of time and energy (though we encourage participants to invest more whenever possible). Each day involves a small amount of reading (just one page), meditation, writing, and applying the day’s lesson throughout the day. By the 108th day, you’ll be in a different place.
It’s a journey that’ll change you. If you’re someone who fears change, rest assured that the change we’re talking about is for your highest good. This means it may not be what’s easiest or fastest, but it’s the deepest and the realest kind of change.
- How would it be if you felt trust rather than fear in times of uncertainty?
- What if you were at peace with your body, regardless of its appearance or function?
- How would life be different if you weren’t controlled by your thoughts and emotions?
- What would life be like if you were able to focus on all the things you’re grateful for, rather than being consumed by the problems?
- How would it feel to be okay with whatever happens?
- What would it be like to experience yourself as one with the Source of everything, playing in this life while always remembering that you are loved and connected?
Sound good? We’re with you. This is the kind of life we want, too. We’re engaged in this work day in and day out, and we’ll be doing it for the rest of our lives. There’s a challenge and an opportunity in every moment. And there’s great joy and inspiration in sharing this process with others. That’s why we decided to write this book – so there will be more of us consciously walking the path together, sharing support, shining a light on darkness and untruth, jointly rising to the occasion.
We’d love to have you join us.
Be well,
Briana and Dr. Peter Borten
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[post_content] => Several months ago,
Briana
(my wife) started feeling drawn to do a different kind of healing work. She began getting strong intuitive impressions about what was at the root of people's challenges - sometimes health related, sometimes whole-life related - and this came with a sense of how to "intervene" on their behalf on a subtle level.
I think we were both at a loss as to how she should proceed with it. I suggested that she try it out on some volunteers and ask them to be to
tally honest about their experiences. She sat with these folks, either in person, or over the phone, asked them what they were struggling with, and dove in - sometimes offering practical advice, other times making energetic adjustments on their behalf. I don't think either of us has better words for it than that.
Anyway, I know how this sounds. I think most people have a hard time accepting healing modalities that aren't really tangible - myself included. So I tried to prep her for some lukewarm responses, saying things like, "This is pretty esoteric stuff ... it’s not for everyone ... people find it hard to measure what exactly it's doing..." and so on.
Much to my surprise, the participants were all enthusiastic about their sessions. Everyone reported feeling some kind of alignment or affirmation - and that's nice - but what really surprised me was the number of people who felt like a longstanding block in their life had been removed, or that they felt notably better, or that an issue had resolved, or that their life had taken a turn for the better.
For some reason, I was one of the last people to experience it. I guess I didn't want to have to tell her it didn't do anything. I had a wrist pain that had been nagging me for a year (something called DeQuervain's tenosynovitis). I had received multiple massages, adjustments, and acupuncture treatments for it. I even wore a splint for a few months. Lots of things helped in the short term, but it kept coming back.
When Briana asked me what I wanted to work on, I said, “Well, we might as well go for my wrist.” I actually felt kind of guilty in choosing it because I thought it was a *structural* issue and that nothing in the realm of “energy work” was going to touch it. Sure enough, the next day I kept testing it out and it still hurt. Oh well, didn’t hurt to try. I decided not to report the bad news to Briana though. I’d wait until she asked me about it.
A week later, I noticed I’d been doing lots of manual labor with it – hammering, lifting, sawing, drilling – and it wasn’t bothering me. That was weird. I poked it and prodded it. I couldn’t get it to hurt. Now it’s been a month and it hasn’t come back. I honestly don’t know what to say. Other than… maybe you should work with her if you feel called to.
Learn more about Briana's energy work
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[post_content] => The other day, my 81-year-old neighbor told me that he was taking a shower when, over the sound of the rushing water, he suddenly heard a combination of yelping and snarling noises. He immediately knew what it was: coyotes attacking his little dog. He ran outside, scared the coyotes away, and started tending to his dog’s wounds. Then his wife came outside. “She tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Honey, you’re standing naked in the front yard.’ Oops! So I was!”
A few months ago we moved to a rural area. It’s the farthest I’ve ever lived from other people. While I looked forward to having more land to do things like raise chickens and grow our own food, I was also concerned that I would feel isolated and lonely. Then I met this gentleman. A few days after we moved in, he introduced himself with an armload of tomatoes and zucchini from his garden. He noticed that we hadn’t mowed our lawn yet, so a few hours later he returned on his tractor and mowed it for us. He’s a master gardener and woodworker, and offered unlimited horticultural advice and the use of his tools.
Many times I’ve said to myself, “What an absolute treasure.” The same goes for many of my other neighbors, most of whom are at least a generation older than me. I’m reminded of my earliest studies in psychology, when I was attracted to the developmental theory of Erik Erikson.
Erikson theorized that humans move through eight stages of psychosocial development. At each stage, he said, we are presented with a challenge or “crisis” between two conflicting qualities. One of these qualities supports our growth and evolution while the other thwarts it. If we choose to adopt the former, we develop a
virtue associated with that stage.
In the first stage (Oral-Sensory), roughly from birth to age two, all of our basic needs are met by our parents and other caregivers. We are utterly dependent on others, and we are faced with the crisis of Trust versus Mistrust, which Erikson characterized with the question, “Can I trust the world?” If our parents are consistent, kind, dependable, and loving, we are likely to develop trust in others and a fundamental trust in ourselves. This leads to the virtue of hope, which helps us navigate the upcoming stages. If not, we are likely to become mistrustful of the world – seeing it as undependable and unpredictable.
For the sake of space, I’m just going to give you the nutshell versions of the next handful – until we get to the elder years. The ages given for the following can vary somewhat.
• Stage 2. From ages 2 through 4, the crisis is between
autonomy versus
shame and
doubt. The existential question is, “Is it okay to be me?” And the virtue presented is
will.
• Stage 3. From ages 4 through 5, the crisis is between
initiative versus
guilt. The existential question is, “Is it okay for me to do, move, and act?” And the virtue presented is
purpose.
• Stage 4. From age 5 through 12, the crisis is between
industry versus
inferiority. The existential question is, “Can I make it in the world of people and things?” And the virtue presented is
competence.
• Stage 5. From ages 13 through 19, the crisis is between
identity versus
role confusion. The existential question is, “Who am I and what can I be?” And the virtue presented is
fidelity.
• Stage 6. From age 20 through 39, the crisis is between
intimacy versus
isolation. The existential question is, “Can I love?” And the virtue presented is
love.
Now we come to the age ranges of my amazing neighbors. From age 40 through 64, the crisis is between
generativity versus
stagnation. The existential question is, “Can I make my life count?” The virtue presented is
care. Erikson felt that during middle adulthood, the main task is to contribute to society and help guide and support future generations. Embracing this mantle makes us
generative whereas a self-centered life leads to
stagnation.
From age 65 to death, we face the crisis of
integrity versus
despair. The existential question is, “Is it okay to have been me?” As we become less productive and perhaps feel less useful to society, it’s possible to slip into despair, especially if we look back at our life through a lens of negativity, regret, or criticism. Alternatively, if we’re able to look back at the goodness we’ve enjoyed and shared, the ways we have served and accomplished, we experience
integrity and the virtue of
wisdom emerges.
Several years ago, as I witnessed the decline of some older patients who became bitter and sad, I began to recognize one of the primary fears of the elderly: to have nothing that the rest of the world values – being useless, wrinkled, irrelevant, confused, and a burden on others. And I thought, “What a horrible way to end life.”
But as I enjoy the company of my new neighbors, feeling anything but isolated, grateful to have healthy
elders as friends, I know such a course isn’t inevitable. These folks have clearly chosen
generativity and
integrity. They share their wisdom and worth with the world. And I believe they would continue to do so even if they were disabled and unable to help out, because it’s a state of mind, really. It’s inspiring and encouraging to know that such choices are available to me as I age, and that such individuals are available to help us navigate the way.
What has your experience of elderhood been? Are you an elder? What are your struggles and triumphs? Share your wisdom with our community!
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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I’ve never used meditation to activate “change” though I meditate daily…have for decades! I welcome the new light provided here.
thanks Susan. Just saw these comments now. I’m glad this article spoke to you. I don’t actually know where our web designer found these photos. Probably shutterstock. be well,
Peter
And Ayuervedia and the term sanskara is not new to me. Was I just not able to really hear (have motivation to act) until you last two books?
Where do you access such beautiful photo’s? (Love everything about this woman on the bridge. In particular seeing one person clearly…the one in the now, not ahead or behind but in the moment.) I enjoy the haptic and appearance of the Rituals For Life cover. The mountains appear to be similar to a painting I’ve viewed from a FB friend of Briana’s…no?
Hi Susan. I’m glad you liked the article and presentation. I am not sure where that photo came from, but guessing that one of our designers found it on a stock photo site like shutterstock or istockphoto or getty. And the blue watercolor for Rituals for Transformation was done by our employees Erica Nelson and Brian Kubat, who manage our design work and much, much more.
be well,
Peter
Exactly what I needed today.
Glad to hear it!
A lot to think about
Utterly beautiful and divinely timed. Thank you.
Thanks, Robin!
Amazing introspect! This is exactly what I’m looking for, to expound on, and include in my life’s journey!
Thanks, Michelle. I’m glad it was helpful.
Bless you for this. Perfect timing as s reminder that change is the only constant and I am constantly changing! Love it!
Thank you, Sharon. I will take all the blessings I can get. 😉
Thanks for this great artical and reminder how important meditation is in life!!
You’re welcome, Charn.
I used to be more optimistic about people’s ability to change if they truly we’re open to the idea and could see the rewards but as I have reached the near end of my life, I seem to have lost that optimism. I don’t want to be cynical but my life experiences have pushed me in that direction. Pam M
Hi Pam,
I’m sorry you’ve lost your optimism. Maybe cut down on consumption of news. There are lots of great sources of positive news out there, stories of people being amazing, and books about triumph. Your choice of what you expose yourself to can make a huge difference in your outlook. Meanwhile, in your day to day interactions, if you consciously offer your gifts and strive for connection and service, I believe you will see something in more people that may change your mind.
Needed this in the best way!
Happy to provide.
Beautifully written with hope of change in people…if they choose to.
Thank you, Kim.
I feel I’ve been working for some changes and keep falling back into old patterns. Your comments have helped me forgive myself for not “getting there” and understand why it seems to hard to get out of those “ruts.” Your observations re-inspire me to continue to work toward those changes I seek in my life. Namaste
I’m glad to hear this article helped illuminate these mechanisms for you, Michele. Yes, you’re not destined to live forever in those ruts. But REMEMBER this, as often as possible.
I’m struggling to emerge from a lifelong recurrent samskaras ( now I understand what it is). Step 1 – I’m aware of it. Step 2 – I now accept what it is. Today begins my conscious work to let it go. It does not enhance my life. Thank you for this insight.
You’re so welcome, Lisa
Peter,
Printing this one! Speaking loudly to me as set an intention yesterday to work on trying to change the fixed pathways of my brain and trying to create new pathways, not so rigid, not so stuck in ruminative loops!
thanks Peter, great helpful articles!
You’re welcome Maureen! Glad it was helpful.
Be well,
Peter