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[post_content] => When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Relationship Repair Step One: Attitude Adjustment
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[post_content] => One of the most basic ways to grow the spiritual dimension of your life is to consciously invite Spirit into whatever you’re doing. It’s like there’s a friend who’s been hanging out in the background while you eat and work and exercise, and you’re saying, “Oh, I forgot you were there. Would you like to join me?”
Doing so doesn’t require any particular spiritual or religious orientation. Even if you’re an atheist, you can probably still conceive of a Highest Self – an aspect of you that, in a way, is more You than any of the various personalities, thought patterns, or styles you’ve had throughout your life. It’s a stable, enduring, virtuous witness to everything you’ve been and done.
Our ability to sense this presence, whatever we choose to call it, waxes and wanes. Same with the degree to which we let it guide us. As these factors increase (more awareness and willingness to be guided), we experience a corresponding increase in trust, an expanded perspective, and less overwhelm. The feeling of being small and helpless in a big scary world diminishes.
If you haven’t done this much (or at all) it can feel at first like you’re hanging out with an imaginary friend. Is this real? Are they still in the room? It’s especially common if this is a dimension you’ve barely tuned in to. You’re used to giving most of your attention to relatively tangible and superficial planes of existence – media and culture, your possessions, your body, your thoughts and emotions. Over time the sense of opening to something bigger and subtler becomes more palpable. Simply remembering and intending to invite this Consciousness into more of your experiences makes a difference.
To get started, you could just try quieting your mind for a moment and saying hello. Hello, Source. Hello, Highest Self. Hello, Divine Light. Then be still and see if you notice anything. I believe we are that Source experiencing itself as a human being. There is no true separation, only the veil of the mind (which can be quite obscure). Your Highest Self wants to be perceived and known and consciously channeled.
Here are some other possible invitations:
Come on this hike with me. Help me notice what I usually miss.
Show me what I need to see for my healing and evolution.
Let me stay present and accepting through this event.
Let’s experience the act of eating delicious food together.
Let me see this through the eyes of my Highest Self / Spirit / God / Unconditional Love / Awareness.
But it’s not just the pleasant things that are worth inviting Spirit into. . .
I let you into my fear so that you may share it, illuminate it, transform it.
Come into my pain; please be with me in this suffering.
I invite you into my grief, as this, too, is part of the human experience.
Enter this crazy situation with me, Highest Self, and give me perspective.
Join me, Divine Light, in my depression, and hold me.
These painful states inevitably change when we open them to the spiritual dimension. It’s the simplest thing to do, yet sometimes the hardest to remember. This message is for me as much as it is for you.
Be well,
Peter
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[post_content] => Gratitude is the understanding that many millions of things come together and live together and mesh together and breathe together in order for us to take even one more breath of air, that the underlying gift of life and incarnation as a living, participating human being is a privilege; that we are miraculously, part of something, rather than nothing. – David Whyte
Coincidentally, I encountered this quote shortly after hearing a lecture on happiness in which the speaker asserted that when we truly recognize our privilege, we readily feel enthusiastic and grateful about whatever we’re engaged in, work included.
It’s easy to forget to be grateful though, just as it’s natural to expect life to continue in roughly the way it always has, with ample clean air, water, food, electricity, safety, and everything else that supports us. Sometimes it’s not until we experience contrast that we recognize our privilege.
Having a period of sickness makes us appreciate our health. Smoky air makes us appreciate fresh air – and firefighters and rain. Traveling in an area with mediocre food options makes us appreciate farmers’ markets and well-stocked grocery stores. All of our adversity, including even our day-to-day micro-adversities, can become prompts to recognize what’s still working and good in our life. You can even try making a rule for yourself that every time you complain about something – even just to yourself – you follow it with a statement of gratitude.
When traffic is bad, what’s good? When there’s pain in your back, what parts of your body still work well and feel okay?
Of course, we don’t need to wait for suffering in order to pay attention to our gifts. It’s just that suffering – especially when it’s really painful – has a way of capturing our attention. The key is the paying attention, and we’re in the habit of letting our attention go to whatever’s loudest or most dramatic, like media, interpersonal conflict, and worry.
Sometimes we need to grab our attention and put it on something else. And when I say “sometimes” I mean virtually all the time – choosing intentionally what we’re putting our attention on. Might I recommend a good place to put it: on the total experience that is happening right here, right now. Your breath and the air entering and exiting your lungs. What it feels like in your body. What you’re currently engaged in. The land you’re sitting on. The beating of your heart. The sun illuminating the world. The soft clothes on your skin. The feeling of the earth’s gravity acting on you.
We want to feel spontaneous gratitude, the exalted kind that comes to us with strong emotion, rather than needing to prompt ourselves to think of something to be grateful for. But the chosen form isn’t any less real. And it has the same benefits of promoting happiness, broadening our perspective, and focusing our energy on good things.
I am grateful for you.
Love,
Peter & Everyone at the Dragontree
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[post_content] => When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
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Thanks for explaining the First Chakra. It makes more sense now knowing it is our basic needs we have to work on and find a balance.
You’re welcome, Shirley! I’m glad you found it helpful.
This is incredibly helpful. Thank you so much!!
I’m glad to hear it. You’re welcome, Harmony.
Well done. An important, thorough article.
Thank you. So helpful.
You’re welcome, Claudia
Thanks, Kristin!
Hello Dr. Borten,
How timely that I received your article on Muladhara Chakra today. Beginning this month, I am taking a year-long journey through the Chakras so that I may get to know them better.
Your article was a good affirmation of what I have learned thus far about the Mulahara. I believe you are right: this Chakra requires extra attention ( at least for me), so I am not rushing the process.
I truly appreciate you providing this information.
Very Truly Yours,
Cat Nix
Hi Cat,
Wow, that sounds like a fun and illuminating journey!
I wish you the best!
This article came to me at the Perfect time. I just want to say thank you!
You’re welcome, Sandra! Happy to have played a role in that synchronicity.
Thank you for this! A very thorough, thoughtful, and digestible synthesis.
You’re welcome. And thanks for the very kind words.
I want to thank you for these Chakra articles. They have been speaking to me. The concept of “Enough” and my personal financial landscape have been front and center so far this year. This article affirms some ideas I have been having, but then extends that concept immensely. I can see that this Root Chakra is important and that mine needs some TLC. I’m heartend by the suggestions here
I already have a 2018 goal to camp (and be outside in general) and I’ve been”earthing” for a few months and receive immediate benefit from it.
All of the suggestions are behaviors I can see myself trying to include in an improved lifestyle for myself.
I feel certain that I will refer to this article often. Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us!
Sincerely, Jordan
You’re welcome, Jordan. I’m glad it hit home for you & that you’re already on you’re way to improving health and balance in this area of yourself and your life.
Being rooted/grounded is very scary to me. It sounds very much like being stuck in one place without the ability to fly or flee. It seems to infer a lack of permission to explore and adventure. I’m working really hard on this and it’s pretty difficult. I’ve always been ready to run at a moments notice either for fun or out of necessity. How can you feel free and grounded at the same time?
Hi Paula,
I understand where you’re coming from. I used to feel this way at times, too.
In your last sentence, you ask, “How can you feel free and grounded at the same time?” – and I would ask, does it feel FREE to be unable to root down and be at peace in one place? Does it feel free when you feel you must be “ready to run at a moment’s notice”?
It sounds like you equate being grounded with being stuck, which is why it seems scary – especially because you seem to feel it’s inevitable that you will need to flee. But groundedness isn’t a trap. In fact, it’s the ANTIDOTE to that feeling you have.
You can be grounded even while traveling. You can forge a flexible experience of home. However, I actually think it would be worthwhile for you to try the “staying put” version of rooting down. There is so much nourishment and growth available to us when we stop entertaining ideas of leaving for a while – when we commit – and build community and find ways to serve those around us. And only through meeting this feeling – the fear of being stuck – rather than letting it control you – can you really understand it and overcome it.
Be well,
Peter
I really enjoyed this helpful article
Thanks, Roberta. I’m glad to hear it.
This article scared me. I feel so far behind in my development. Especially the idea that if I’m not set up in this chakra, I can’t be in the others.
I was sexually molested when I was 11 months old. I was brought up in a very judgement oriented atmosphere in a super fundamentalist milieu. I have no feeling that I am in a bunch of caring people. My 4 children have all been sexually molested.
They are beautiful people but all with pain and money problems.
To top it off, I am 82.
My life has been one long God-search. Same with my kids.
How to get anywhere???
Hi Peggy.
I would recommend this: forgive yourself. Forgive yourself over and over and over, deeper and deeper and deeper, forgive layer after layer after layer of yourself and your history that you feel went wrong. It sounds like your life was in many ways a perpetuation of generational illness and pain, and your children’s lives, too, a continuation of old wounds. Who knows how far back they originated?
The important part now is to end the cycle with DEEP FORGIVENESS and a willingness to see and feel whatever is inside you. This will begin the process of healing / releasing old trauma – that will allow for stabilization of that “first chakra” part of yourself.
Dear Peter tank you for the profoundly inspiring words. your articles are complete, transparent and make a lot of sense to me. I hope that you and your family will be blessed in return for the work and mission that you been doing. so grateful. Thank you
Thank you, Maria. I’m glad you’ve gotten some value from our work!! Be well.
I am new to studying Chakras though I have long believed in the mind/spirit/body connection. I believed that my clenching of the muscles in my lower regions, when confronted with seeing someone hurt (real or fictional), was weird, but it seems it is my first chakra responding. Thanks for the great article.