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[post_content] => When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Relationship Repair Step One: Attitude Adjustment
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[post_content] => Gratitude is the understanding that many millions of things come together and live together and mesh together and breathe together in order for us to take even one more breath of air, that the underlying gift of life and incarnation as a living, participating human being is a privilege; that we are miraculously, part of something, rather than nothing. – David Whyte
Coincidentally, I encountered this quote shortly after hearing a lecture on happiness in which the speaker asserted that when we truly recognize our privilege, we readily feel enthusiastic and grateful about whatever we’re engaged in, work included.
It’s easy to forget to be grateful though, just as it’s natural to expect life to continue in roughly the way it always has, with ample clean air, water, food, electricity, safety, and everything else that supports us. Sometimes it’s not until we experience contrast that we recognize our privilege.
Having a period of sickness makes us appreciate our health. Smoky air makes us appreciate fresh air – and firefighters and rain. Traveling in an area with mediocre food options makes us appreciate farmers’ markets and well-stocked grocery stores. All of our adversity, including even our day-to-day micro-adversities, can become prompts to recognize what’s still working and good in our life. You can even try making a rule for yourself that every time you complain about something – even just to yourself – you follow it with a statement of gratitude.
When traffic is bad, what’s good? When there’s pain in your back, what parts of your body still work well and feel okay?
Of course, we don’t need to wait for suffering in order to pay attention to our gifts. It’s just that suffering – especially when it’s really painful – has a way of capturing our attention. The key is the paying attention, and we’re in the habit of letting our attention go to whatever’s loudest or most dramatic, like media, interpersonal conflict, and worry.
Sometimes we need to grab our attention and put it on something else. And when I say “sometimes” I mean virtually all the time – choosing intentionally what we’re putting our attention on. Might I recommend a good place to put it: on the total experience that is happening right here, right now. Your breath and the air entering and exiting your lungs. What it feels like in your body. What you’re currently engaged in. The land you’re sitting on. The beating of your heart. The sun illuminating the world. The soft clothes on your skin. The feeling of the earth’s gravity acting on you.
We want to feel spontaneous gratitude, the exalted kind that comes to us with strong emotion, rather than needing to prompt ourselves to think of something to be grateful for. But the chosen form isn’t any less real. And it has the same benefits of promoting happiness, broadening our perspective, and focusing our energy on good things.
I am grateful for you.
Love,
Peter & Everyone at the Dragontree
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[post_content] => If you were birthed by Earth, then every pebble and plant is your sibling.
Last week I wrote about animism, the belief that all things possess a spirit. Animistic cultures are incredibly widespread – chances are, if you didn’t grow up in one, you’re descended from one. But these sensibilities have been largely supplanted by science. Science and spirituality are often at odds, and the science-oriented developed world generally disbelieves in spirituality – especially in a form so different from our monotheistic religions. This might not be a problem if a reductive, nonspiritual orientation met all our needs, but I believe we’ve lost something along the way.
Scientists and animists alike can agree that a rock isn’t biologically alive in quite the same way that, say, a bird is. But the scientist wouldn’t be scientific if they assumed that this means we can’t be in relationship with both. A person who believes a rock doesn’t possess a spirit has no understanding of what life would be like if they did.
The animistic perspective transforms a thing we use into someone we relate to. Our surroundings turn from scenery into family members. Just as it’s relatively easy to perceive the personality of a pet and recognize it as a member of the family, an animist would extend such personhood to all aspects of their world.
Could you be open to experiencing the personality of your favorite tree or stream or mountain? Have you ever felt inexplicably drawn to a certain place in your yard, your home, or the park? It’s where you feel naturally most comfortable, maybe also safer, more focused, even more powerful. What is it that your inner compass is tuning in to?
Beyond the ways in which such an orientation might enrich your subjective experience of your surroundings, there are potentially global repercussions to remembering and being reverent of the spirit of the world – even if we don’t fully embrace the animistic view.
Dr. John Reid of the Ngai Tahu Research Centre in New Zealand explains that when we mistreat the world through disregard for the spirit within, it becomes a vicious circle. Lacking a conscious relationship with nature, we take from pristine resources with no restraint, then we dump our waste back into them. This diminishes what the Maori call its mauri (lifeforce), and the reduction in its vitality makes it less supportive to humans. This willfully ignorant behavior and the hardship that results from it diminishes the mana (dignity / power / authority) of the humans involved.1 The weakened mana of the humans causes them to act in increasingly desperate and irreverent ways, and the cycle continues.
It's possible to transform this situation into a virtuous cycle, but it requires coming into right relationship with our planet. This means humbling ourselves and perhaps taking a cue from animistic cultures. If that sounds good to you, I encourage you to take another week to relate to your surroundings differently than usual.
What happens when you ask before taking? What happens when you give thanks to everything you encounter? What happens when you open yourself to the existence of a spiritual world? What happens when you feel into the dynamic between your body and the elements around you? What happens when you bring greater awareness to the act of consuming something? What happens if you do the same when throwing something away? What happens when you listen?
I believe that bringing consciousness to these relationships yields great benefits. Perhaps we stand to make our planet habitable by humans for longer, but for certain we enrich our mana as we re-weave ourselves into the living tapestry of this exceptional, gorgeous planet.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
1. Informative Maori dictionary here: https://maoridictionary.co.nz/
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[post_content] => When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
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I’ve already purchased my 2019 Dreambook and Planner… and I’ve put the dates and times on my calendar … how do I join you? This is my first year with a Dreambook and I’m looking forward to getting started.
Thank you,
Lisa
Hi Lisa, We’ll send you an invite during the first couple days of November. So excited to have you join us!
Can’t wait to participate in the #nodreambookgaterhingdust sessions!
LOVE
Hi
What if we’ve already purchased a Dreambook & planner? How do we sign up for the community class?
thanks!
You’ll recieve an invitation in you email during the first few days of November <3
I am super excited about this. Id also love if I could find an accountability partner. I always SAY I’m going to do my planning then put it off. . .but when I do it consistently, I create momentum & my life gets better. . .quickly.
Yay! Can’t wait to do this work with you.
If I’m still sitting on mine from last year, can I join you? I’d love a kick start! It’s the getting started that is hard, I think
Please do join us, Lisa!We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
What about those of us who bought a planner this time last year, and haven’t opened it yet? We deserve some support, too. I hope you’ll reach out to others and not just use this as a way to entice more people to purchase the Dreambook.
Of course you can join us, Mer! Not at all! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
By the way… did you join the facebook group and do Dreaming and and Planning Together last year? It was so good (and the replays are still available in the group!)
I bought last year’s version when it went on sale, can I use that one for these exercises?
Yes, Katie! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I have my 2019 Dream PLanner
LOVE
I bought a Dreambook last year and didn’t put a mark in it. Life hit me upside the head and my book gathered dust. I recently bought stickers to date it properly and look forward to beginning a new year. Will I buy your new version… No just because I’m lefthanded and can’t stand wire bounds. Will you ever allow friends like me who didn’t use theirs into your group? If so I will happily sign up and participate!
Blessings,
Nancy
Of course you can join us, Nancy! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
Hi Brianna, I purchased a Dreambook last year, and literally just blew the dust off of it as I read this. I was so excited to get started, and then I got so overwhelmed and somewhat discouraged as the days and months passed without a single word written in the book. I’m wondering if I could participate in this group and workshop based on my previous purchase, since I really don’t need another book. I would very much love to get started, but sadly I don’t seem to have the determination on my own. If I need to purchase something else in order to participate, please let me know. Thanks and Peace
You can join us, Kelly! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I bought the pdf because I have a 100% track record of not following through. But…my brother was killed in an accident this year so I have a different motivation now. This is my first Dreambook so please invite me to the workshops. I need to succed. I also just received the Rituals for Transformation book.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Marsha.
We’ll send out the invitation during the first couple of days in November. I do so hope you’ll join us.
Must you purchase a 2019 copy of the Dreambook in order to participate in the workshops in November? I bought a copy a couple of years ago and have never used it. It would be great to get a kickstart with the workshops but I hesitate to purchase a new one now.
Not at all! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I purchased the dream book at your store in PDX
Yay Joanna <3 - I'll share a link here in the next couple of days so that people who purchased in store can join us!
I never finished the 1st half of my non dated dreambook for 2018
Its never too late <3
I have yet to receive my invitation to join the 2019 group #nodreambookgatheringdust. I purchased my book and have it in hand. Can you add me to the participation list please?
Hi Amy! I’m so glad your joining us! We’ll be sending out the invitations during the first couple of days of November. Keep an eye out for yours!
I just received my Dreambook and planner. Joined the FB page.
Looking forward to doing the hard work to make changes in my life.
LOVE
Hello!
Would love to join these workshops please! I am a customer!
Best,
Donna Motta
Yay Donna! We’ll be sending out your invitation during the first couple of days of November! <3
I have my 2019 Dreambook+Planner
Love love love
I bought the undated version Dec 2016 and have only worked through a small portion. Do I have to buy the dated version to participate in your workshops?
Not at all! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I bought my dream book planner at your store in Portland, can I attend these online chats to help get the process flowing?
Yes love! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book in store during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I recently bought the 2018 Dreambook and Planner. I would love to join the workshop.
Yay, Rhonda! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
In the spirit of you post, I want to share that I bought an undated Dreambook + Planner in 2017 but I was in my final year of graduate school and didn’t have a chance to use it. I’ve since dusted it off and started doing work in the Dreambook. It feels vulnerable to do this kind of dreaming and goal setting. Any chance I could get the support you are offering to people buying a new book? I feel like once I get past some anxiety about it, it will a valuable tool for me personally and professionally.
Liz, Yes! Yes! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promition during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join. <3
Thanks for doing this. I will have to listen to the replays, but am excited to be doing this as a group.
Yay, Nancy! <3
I recently bought Rituals For Living Dreambook in the last month before the 2019 was available and I’d like to have access to these webinars… thank you.
Jennifer Brooks
You’re in Jennifer! We’ll send you an invitation during the first couple of dayd of November!
Hello-
I already ordered two new dreambooks- one for myself and one for my husband. We have received them here. I keep receiving emails saying those who get one will be invited to the live planning events- but those emails also ask me to buy a dreambook. I already have! But I have yet to receive any invites or links for us to join the online community. Are those yet to be sent out?
Hi Sarah! We’ll send out information about how to participate during the first few days of November. <3
I have a 3rd Edition 2016 Dreambook and Planner that I never used and has been gathering dust for two years. Seeing your ads on Facebook, I am inspired to pick it up again. Part of the reason I never got going with it was that I just felt overwhelmed. I’d love to take part in your Dreaming and Planning sessions. Will the sessions be available to folks who made past purchases of the book?
Yes! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promition during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
If I have a dreambook that I haven’t used yet, can I still join?
Yes! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promition during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
Hi Briana! You indicated that there would be a link available to the workshops for people who had ordered a dreambook in previous years (and that if you couldn’t participate live they would be made available for replay), but I don’t see this anywhere in the posts. I would LOVE to catch up on the workshops so that I can get going with my planner, so any assistance you could provide would be most welcome. Thank you!
Good morning, Briana –
I recently ordered and received the 2019 Dreambook kit. In the description, it lists that A copy of Freedom: A Simple Ritual For Letting Go would be included. My order did not have this item. My order number was #34102233. Please let me know about this missing item.
Also, I’m super excited to be a part of the #nodreambookgatheringdust in November. I received an email about it but am a little confused on how to sign up. Please include me on the list for this training.
Thank you for your time. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Thanks Renee! We’ll send out information about how to participate during the first few days of November. <3
Hey there! I purchased an undated Dreambook for my birthday. I hope I will be included in this: “For anyone who buys a Dreambook (of any kind) from us before November 1st – you’ll automatically be sent an invitation to join me for a series of hangouts/workshops where we’ll dive into your dreams and plans and get them on “the books” as it were.” Thanks! Kris Also thanks for the bath samples!
Yes! You’re in. We’ll send out your invite during the first few days of November.
Hi! I ordered the new dreambook and it has arrived! I did not receive a following email for the workshops. How can I receive the invite?
Thank you!
Hey Lynette, we’ll be sending out an invite to everyone who bought the book during the first few days of november <3
I am not sure I received my invite. My email is doing weird things! I have some invites for other workshops.