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While I wouldn’t wish pain on anyone, I don’t always think it’s best to make it go away as fast as possible. Sometimes the need to manage pain takes us inward, prompting us to understand our workings and to heal longstanding patterns that might otherwise have never been discovered.
My starting point in pain management is a fundamental principle of Chinese Medicine: All pain is caused by stagnation. When things move freely (muscles, joints, blood, poop, etc.), we feel good. When they don’t, we feel bad.
If we overeat and food is stagnant in our digestive tract, we feel uncomfortable. If blood stops moving through the vessels in our heart, it causes a crushing pain. If our muscles are inflamed or tight (stagnation), they hurt. In the same way, if we broke up with someone but we keep fantasizing about them or replaying our conversations, this also is a form of stagnation, and it’s painful. If we’re attached to life being a certain way, it’s not that way, we don’t accept it, and we feel bad… guess why.
So, the restoration of flow is my focus, no matter what kind of pain a person is in. Besides understanding the mechanism of stagnation in causing and perpetuating pain, it’s important for everyone to know these four sub-principles:
1: All of our many parts are interconnected, so stagnation on one level can readily lead to stagnation on another level. Two examples: If we’re chronically angry, tense, or sad (emotional stagnation) this can eventually show up as, say, a tension headache or lower back pain (physical stagnation). Vice versa, living in a tight and inflexible body (physical stagnation) can contribute to a lack of mental flexibility - rigid thinking, frustration, depression, etc.
2: Clearing stagnation on any level tends to promote flow on all levels. For instance, physical exercise is beneficial for depression, because moving the body moves the mind. Likewise, using the mind to imagine energy and blood coursing freely through a painful area of the body can often be as effective as painkillers. For this reason, stretching the mind – challenging our beliefs, thinking outside our usual patterns, meditating, actively exploring our inner terrain – is excellent for mind-body health.
3: Resisting reality promotes stagnation. Philip K. Dick said, “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.” Fighting reality amounts to inner resistance and resistance causes stagnation. In my opinion, it’s one of the most basic mechanisms of human pathology: an inner “no” that causes us to close and fragment ourselves. Resistance of what’s happening (not just our circumstances but also our own thoughts and feelings) causes an additional dimension of discomfort and hampers our ability to change our condition. In a pain scenario, the resistance of an already stagnant condition inevitably makes it worse.
4: Active acceptance is the opposite of resistance and promotes healing. Acceptance is a combination of willingness, openness, and nonattachment. When we’re totally willing to experience the reality of this moment, with every aspect of ourselves, with absolute openness and trust, simultaneously letting go entirely of any desire to control what happens next, healing happens automatically. It may not look like a tumor instantly disappearing or pain dropping from a ten to a zero, but something will change. This isn’t a do-it-once magic formula, it’s a way of life. And if pain is what leads you to it, you may end up thanking your pain.
If these ideas resonate with you, check out my online course, Live Pain Free, for many more ways to get out of pain and experience greater peace and happiness in the process.
Be well,
Peter
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Have you had an experience of awakening to something that feels more real than ordinary reality? I remember the first time I heard Zen-inspired spiritual teacher Adyashanti refer to these moments as “gaps” in everyday awareness, when we stop focusing on our own mind and experience the world as it really is.
I’d had some of these expansive periods but felt a great letdown when I returned to ordinary reality. This is sometimes referred to as the “I get it! I lost it” phenomenon. It was relieving to hear Adyashanti describe these moments simply as windows through the dominant narrative. He explains that when we’re adamant about finding the truth, the gaps tend to get longer and more frequent. He also observes that what we find there isn’t usually what we expect it will be.
When the gaps run into each other and become our abiding reality, this is often referred to as spiritual awakening or enlightenment. It’s natural to imagine that something that sounds so grand and mystical must be a state unlike anything we’ve ever felt – maybe even a condition of perpetual ecstasy.
This makes it highly appealing to the ego, which often tries to take over the mission. It can easily turn spirituality into a competition and a source of identity and approval (“I’m woke AF!). And it may desperately hope that it’s finally found the thing that’s going to make us happy.
Happiness is a noble pursuit, but it’s not necessarily the same path that the question of “What am I really?” takes us on. Likewise, while I believe the “What am I?” path does eventually lead us to happiness – true, causeless happiness, in fact – there’s likely to be some unhappiness along the way, which is generated by the ego’s unwillingness to get out of the driver’s seat.
Spiritual awakening shrinks the ego to irrelevance, and this idea is about as scary as actually dying. The ego – the mental construct of personality, feelings, memories, and intellect that we’ve cultivated and reinforced since childhood – dominates our inner and outer experience of life, and in this way confuses us into believing that it is who we are. It’s been this way for so long that we may have forgotten what the unfiltered, egoless experiences (i.e., gaps) feel like. The ego isn’t malicious; it’s just trying to survive. But to the extent that we believe our ego is who we are, we’ll find it impossible to circumvent – because how could we get away from ourselves?
As of this writing, my ego is alive and well, and my gaps are fewer and farther between than I would prefer, but I’ve spent enough time cultivating gaps that I hope I can share something worthwhile. In my experience, though I have had moments of true ecstasy (while completely sober!), the most striking surprise is the incredible familiarity and closeness of the transcendent experience. I think this is what Adyashanti and other teachers are getting at when they say, “It’s not what the mind thinks it’s going to be.”
While we may imagine that spiritual awakening is like acquiring new powers, I believe it’s more of a remembering. It’s like having your head in one of those old-school arcade machines, gripping the joystick, munching pellets, running away from the ghosts, believing “this is what life is,” and then pulling back and taking in the true surroundings. The surroundings were always here, and so was the consciousness that the game wasn’t reality, but you were so immersed in it you forgot.
In one of these gap experiences I actually found myself saying out loud, “Ohhh! It’s THIS! It’s THIS!” The best I can explain it is that I suddenly noticed something that had always been in the background – always, always, always there for the entirety of my life, but so constant as to be disregarded. It wouldn’t call it mystical, but it was incredibly relieving.
Upon tuning in to it and recognizing it as part of myself, that “background” immediately expanded, rendering all of “Peter’s life stuff” relatively small and insignificant. In that state I remembered that I had previously been afraid that letting go of my “small self” would mean that I’d stop caring about my loved ones. But in this expanded awareness, I saw that this was just a fear my ego came up with, and if anything I was able to love people more completely than ever.
I wish I could say I stayed there forever, but my conditioning crept back in. I was able to see myself, little by little, choosing smaller points of view, picking up my phone for no good reason, and shrinking my field of awareness. But these experiences change us even if they’re not sustained forever. They give us a glimpse that’s not easily forgotten.
So, how do we remember? A good starting point is to ask yourself, What has been with me ALWAYS? Or, Who is that consciousness that has been watching my life, that has been there all along, never departing, even while my body grew and my life circumstances changed?
As Meister Eckhart wrote, “The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God's eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love.” What happens when you try to see the one who’s doing the seeing? What happens when, as Adyashanti says, you “turn Awareness upon itself”?
Here’s to more and longer gaps. And feel free to share about your gap experiences in the comments section.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Opening Up the Gaps in Ordinary Reality
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Last week I discussed our tendency to get attached to a single point of view, and how this often keeps us stuck. When we recognize the validity of other perspectives – and allow that both sides are within us (and also in our adversaries, be they real or imaginary) – this helps to neutralize the issue. For a deeper and more thorough exploration, we can look at the two sides of an issue intersected with the push and pull of desire and fear (or attraction and repulsion). It’s a process Leslie Temple Thurston simply calls “squares.”
Here are some examples. If you find them challenging, I encourage you to work through them. If not, I hope they help you understand how the exercise works and lead you to the patterns that are relevant to you.
In this first example, we’re looking at the intersection of desire and fear with that of being in control versus out of control. Wanting control is a primary human motivator. A great many of our upsets can be traced to an underlying fear of being out of control. But pursuing control may amplify the belief that we’re not in control. This can be a tricky catch-22 to work with. So if you have a strong desire to be in control (upper right quadrant), you’d do well to address yourself to the fear of being out of control (lower left). These are easy for most people to access.
Can you think of a situation that arouses the fear of being out of control? Holding that in mind, what happens in your body? Can you feel some physical unease? What happens if you don’t resist that feeling? What happens if you even invite it to be felt with your whole being, willingly allowing it spread over you? And what happens when you imagine opening yourself, like opening a closed fist that contains a butterfly, and let it peacefully depart? If this process diminished the intensity of the feeling, but not completely, try doing it several times in succession. For more on this form of body-centered releasing, check out our book, Freedom.
Less obvious – but not uncommon – is the fear of being in control (lower right quadrant). If you’re in control, does that mean whatever happens is your fault? Maybe being in control feels like too much responsibility. If control issues are significant for you, I encourage you to do the process described in the last paragraph with the idea of situation in which you are in control. What comes up?
Last, there’s the desire to be out of control (lower left quadrant). Though this may seem totally foreign to someone who’s rigidly clenching around every aspect of life, there’s always a hidden part that yearns for the relief of being out of control. Anyone who’s ever been to a college party at the end of finals has witnessed plenty of desire to be out of control.
Try visiting with all four quadrants and journaling about how each state exists in you. You might also have fun with the following variation – desire and fear of independence versus dependence.
This is a major dynamic in kids and adolescents, and it’s not helped by the fact that parents often give mixed messages. On the one hand, we may be telling our kids to stay attached to the family, don’t try to get your needs met by your inept peers, and keep coming to us for support and advice. On the other, we’re telling them to grow up, do more things for themselves, get themselves ready for school, figure out their homework, and navigate new situations with minimal guidance. When we see them shifting their attachment from the family to their peers, we often mistake this for independence, when they’ve actually become dependent on peers for approval and direction.
It's probably easy for them to access the desire to be independent, even if it’s scary, because our society puts so much value on it. If we can help them recognize the other three quadrants, it may help to neutralize some of the inner and outer forces, and allow them to be accepting of where they are and comfortable with striking a balance.
Of course these dynamics don’t necessarily end when adolescence does. We may find ourselves struggling with the dimensions of dependence and independence in our adult relationships, and when handicapped, ill, or elderly. Exploration and peacemaking with these states may support a peaceful resolution.
Be well,
Peter
P.S. If you find this exploration interesting, perhaps you’d enjoy guiding others through processes like these. Check out the Dragontree Coaching Program. In the advanced Illuminator training, we go even deeper into these processes.
[post_title] => Meeting the Part of Yourself That Wants to Be Out of Control
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While I wouldn’t wish pain on anyone, I don’t always think it’s best to make it go away as fast as possible. Sometimes the need to manage pain takes us inward, prompting us to understand our workings and to heal longstanding patterns that might otherwise have never been discovered.
My starting point in pain management is a fundamental principle of Chinese Medicine: All pain is caused by stagnation. When things move freely (muscles, joints, blood, poop, etc.), we feel good. When they don’t, we feel bad.
If we overeat and food is stagnant in our digestive tract, we feel uncomfortable. If blood stops moving through the vessels in our heart, it causes a crushing pain. If our muscles are inflamed or tight (stagnation), they hurt. In the same way, if we broke up with someone but we keep fantasizing about them or replaying our conversations, this also is a form of stagnation, and it’s painful. If we’re attached to life being a certain way, it’s not that way, we don’t accept it, and we feel bad… guess why.
So, the restoration of flow is my focus, no matter what kind of pain a person is in. Besides understanding the mechanism of stagnation in causing and perpetuating pain, it’s important for everyone to know these four sub-principles:
1: All of our many parts are interconnected, so stagnation on one level can readily lead to stagnation on another level. Two examples: If we’re chronically angry, tense, or sad (emotional stagnation) this can eventually show up as, say, a tension headache or lower back pain (physical stagnation). Vice versa, living in a tight and inflexible body (physical stagnation) can contribute to a lack of mental flexibility - rigid thinking, frustration, depression, etc.
2: Clearing stagnation on any level tends to promote flow on all levels. For instance, physical exercise is beneficial for depression, because moving the body moves the mind. Likewise, using the mind to imagine energy and blood coursing freely through a painful area of the body can often be as effective as painkillers. For this reason, stretching the mind – challenging our beliefs, thinking outside our usual patterns, meditating, actively exploring our inner terrain – is excellent for mind-body health.
3: Resisting reality promotes stagnation. Philip K. Dick said, “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.” Fighting reality amounts to inner resistance and resistance causes stagnation. In my opinion, it’s one of the most basic mechanisms of human pathology: an inner “no” that causes us to close and fragment ourselves. Resistance of what’s happening (not just our circumstances but also our own thoughts and feelings) causes an additional dimension of discomfort and hampers our ability to change our condition. In a pain scenario, the resistance of an already stagnant condition inevitably makes it worse.
4: Active acceptance is the opposite of resistance and promotes healing. Acceptance is a combination of willingness, openness, and nonattachment. When we’re totally willing to experience the reality of this moment, with every aspect of ourselves, with absolute openness and trust, simultaneously letting go entirely of any desire to control what happens next, healing happens automatically. It may not look like a tumor instantly disappearing or pain dropping from a ten to a zero, but something will change. This isn’t a do-it-once magic formula, it’s a way of life. And if pain is what leads you to it, you may end up thanking your pain.
If these ideas resonate with you, check out my online course, Live Pain Free, for many more ways to get out of pain and experience greater peace and happiness in the process.
Be well,
Peter
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