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Be Better Than A Warrior

In my early 20s I had a boss who would ask me every morning, “How goes the battle?” I had never heard that expression before, but recognized that he meant,… Read More

16 Ways to Treat Migraines Naturally

About 25 years ago I worked for a company that made high end sports goggles. Though the front of the building was covered with posters of pro swimmers and skiers… Read More

How to Be Resilient

Almost every year I witness the same tragedy in Boulder. The daffodils emerge, the trees put forth tender leaves and delicate flowers, and my heart swells with the natural resurrection… Read More

Do You Like Pain?

About twenty times last month, my six year old daughter alerted me to various scary bugs or monsters that were crawling on my back or about to jump on me…. Read More

In this first example, we’re looking at the intersection of desire and fear with that of being in control versus out of control. Wanting control is a primary human motivator. A great many of our upsets can be traced to an underlying fear of being out of control. But pursuing control may amplify the belief that we’re not in control. This can be a tricky catch-22 to work with. So if you have a strong desire to be in control (upper right quadrant), you’d do well to address yourself to the fear of being out of control (lower left). These are easy for most people to access. Can you think of a situation that arouses the fear of being out of control? Holding that in mind, what happens in your body? Can you feel some physical unease? What happens if you don’t resist that feeling? What happens if you even invite it to be felt with your whole being, willingly allowing it spread over you? And what happens when you imagine opening yourself, like opening a closed fist that contains a butterfly, and let it peacefully depart? If this process diminished the intensity of the feeling, but not completely, try doing it several times in succession. For more on this form of body-centered releasing, check out our book, Freedom. Less obvious – but not uncommon – is the fear of being in control (lower right quadrant). If you’re in control, does that mean whatever happens is your fault? Maybe being in control feels like too much responsibility. If control issues are significant for you, I encourage you to do the process described in the last paragraph with the idea of situation in which you are in control. What comes up? Last, there’s the desire to be out of control (lower left quadrant). Though this may seem totally foreign to someone who’s rigidly clenching around every aspect of life, there’s always a hidden part that yearns for the relief of being out of control. Anyone who’s ever been to a college party at the end of finals has witnessed plenty of desire to be out of control. Try visiting with all four quadrants and journaling about how each state exists in you. You might also have fun with the following variation – desire and fear of independence versus dependence.

This is a major dynamic in kids and adolescents, and it’s not helped by the fact that parents often give mixed messages. On the one hand, we may be telling our kids to stay attached to the family, don’t try to get your needs met by your inept peers, and keep coming to us for support and advice. On the other, we’re telling them to grow up, do more things for themselves, get themselves ready for school, figure out their homework, and navigate new situations with minimal guidance. When we see them shifting their attachment from the family to their peers, we often mistake this for independence, when they’ve actually become dependent on peers for approval and direction. It's probably easy for them to access the desire to be independent, even if it’s scary, because our society puts so much value on it. If we can help them recognize the other three quadrants, it may help to neutralize some of the inner and outer forces, and allow them to be accepting of where they are and comfortable with striking a balance. Of course these dynamics don’t necessarily end when adolescence does. We may find ourselves struggling with the dimensions of dependence and independence in our adult relationships, and when handicapped, ill, or elderly. Exploration and peacemaking with these states may support a peaceful resolution. Be well, Peter P.S. If you find this exploration interesting, perhaps you’d enjoy guiding others through processes like these. Check out the Dragontree Coaching Program. In the advanced Illuminator training, we go even deeper into these processes. [post_title] => Meeting the Part of Yourself That Wants to Be Out of Control [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => meeting-the-part-of-yourself-that-wants-to-be-out-of-control [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-02-24 23:28:41 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-02-24 23:28:41 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8572 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [1] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8769 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-08-19 19:18:13 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-08-19 19:18:13 [post_content] => Last week I wrote about the many reasons we don’t ask for help, including what I think of the “Lone Ranger complex,” where we believe there’s great merit in doing everything by ourselves. Sure, there’s a sense of accomplishment, but we still get that feeling even when we accomplish something with the help of others. I brought this up because enrollment is currently open for our Sacred Expansion course, which is a group-oriented approach to personal growth. Even though the internal exploration is ultimately up to each of us, we can benefit from being guided through a tried-and-true framework, discussing the experience with people on the same path, and holding hands along the way. Why is it good to do such things with other people? I’m glad you asked. Here are a few reasons.

We see that other people have the same stuff we do. We’re not alone in our weirdness or our struggles. It’s relieving to know that there’s little that you’ve thought, felt, or gone through that someone else out there doesn’t share.
Further, we get to see that most people aren’t alienated by our challenges. While we may tend to fear that the world would disapprove and abandon us if it knew XYZ about us (that we’re insecure, we pick our nose, we aren’t that spiritual, we’re always sucking in our belly, we yell at our kids, we use the code for bulk conventional rice when we actually have a bag of organic rice, we snort bath salts, etc.), the truth is our friends and family are unlikely to be ruffled by any of it. More relief.
We get the opportunity to be seen in our light and reminded of our strengths. While we may be hyper-focused on our problems and faults, others can help remind us that we’re so much more.
We get “borrowed benefits” (to use a term coined by EFT-creator Gary Craig) from witnessing and helping others work through their problems. In the process, our own knots may begin to loosen and/or we may get insights that can be applied to our life.
We get to be of service to others. Giving is receiving. It is as much a gift to us as it is to them.
We learn from others’ reflections of us. The accuracy of self-reflection waxes and wanes, since we’re always seeing ourselves through a certain lens. Sometimes having someone tell us, kindly and truthfully, what they see in us can illuminate our blind spots. It can be difficult to receive this feedback, but may be instrumental in our development.
We get to experience true connection. When operating from our default habits, we often relate to each other through many layers of mental static. What may look like a conversation between two humans could actually be … me acting out a personality I’ve constructed based on what I think is most impressive and approval-worthy, relating not to the real you, but to the mental representation I’ve made of you, based on my stereotypes, stories, and past experience of you (acting through your own filtered self). Miraculously, my true Self and your true Self can find a way to connect through all this fog. It’s therapeutic to do so. And it serves to dismantle all the crap that gets in the way.
It helps cure us of one of the most damaging and widely held beliefs in the world: we’re all separate. The denial of our connectedness, especially combined with the belief that there isn’t enough, is a recipe for suffering. It makes us feel alone, vulnerable, judged, and in competition – rather than collaboration – with the rest of our species. But the more we let others into our life, the less we’re controlled by this belief. This is especially true when we share with others about the very issues that make us feel alone, vulnerable, judged, and in competition.

So, I heartily encourage you to find ways to grow in the company of likeminded others! Sacred Expansion is a good place to start. We created it as a preliminary course for our life coaches-in-training, but it soon became clear that it’s such an important and valuable program that we decided to make it available on its own. It’s about getting to know yourself and your place in the natural world, clearing patterns that hold you back, and reconnecting with your peaceful, trustworthy, essential Self. Love, Peter [post_title] => Get By With a Little Help From Your Friends [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => get-by-with-a-little-help-from-your-friends [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-08-19 20:36:39 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-08-19 20:36:39 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8769 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [2] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8927 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2023-01-13 19:52:57 [post_date_gmt] => 2023-01-13 19:52:57 [post_content] => I recently came across this statement on the U.S. Department of Agriculture website: “About 90% of Americans do not get enough dairy.”¹ A review of dairy consumption by country shows that the United States ranks 17th in the world with an average intake of 560 pounds per person per year.² In comparison, the average Japanese person consumes about 158 pounds annually, ranking Japan 109th on this list. Meanwhile, Japan ranks first in the world for life expectancy. The United States is 54th.³ If a country that consumes 28% as much dairy as we do outlives us by an average of eight years, is it accurate to say, “90% of Americans don’t get enough dairy”? Who defines “enough”? It's questions like these that inspired me to create a new kind of course in nutrition – one that teaches people how to think critically, listen to their bodies, and develop a healthy relationship with food. In How to Eat, I explain how to achieve your optimal weight without counting calories or eating in a totally unnatural way. I lead students to a way of eating that promotes abundant energy and a clear mind without having to wade through all the contradictory information out there. Through a combination of modern science, psychology, and a strong foundation in traditional Eastern systems of medicine, I’ll teach you that it’s not just what you eat, but how you eat that matters. For today I want to offer you just one simple piece of nutrition advice: stay conscious while eating. We all tend to think about things other than the act we’re currently engaged in, and this is an especially bad habit while eating. We daydream, we work, we read, we watch TV, we talk, we drive, we play on our phone. This causes us to miss out on many of the benefits of eating, and it also makes us more likely to eat in ways that aren’t healthy. There are three good things that happen when we stay conscious (i.e., mindful):

The eating process tends to work better. We're relaxed, we consume at a healthier pace, the body assimilates it better, and I believe we probably derive more nutritional value from the food.
We notice and can respond to the subtle (or not-so-subtle) messages our body is giving us, such as, “I’m not hungry anymore” or “This food is not compatible with me” or “Slow down.” You can learn virtually everything you need to know about how to best feed yourself – both the specific foods and the ideal time and manner to eat them – just by giving all of your attention to the act of eating.
We have an amazing opportunity. Truly. I believe that most people may never experience just how profound the act of eating is. This profundity is only available when we give it our full attention. Then we start to get an inkling of it . . .

. . . the complexity of colors, textures, flavors, and nutrients in the food . . . the incredible sophistication and intelligence of the human body; its ability to extract what it needs from the food and turn it into energy, blood, muscle, bone, and the capacity to remain conscious and sharp . . . the whole ecology we’re part of – the sun and the almost magical ability of plant cells to turn its light into biological energy; the constructive roles of soil and water; the human labor and the care that was taken to cultivate this food; and the lineage of thousands of generations of plants and animals that were intentionally chosen for the purpose of nourishing us. When we have an experience of just how special this is, eating is no longer just about making the hungry feeling go away or getting a good taste in your mouth. It can be calming and centering. It can be a beautiful spiritual practice. It unites us with our environment. If you’re ready for a new way of relating to food and how you feed yourself, check out my course, How to Eat. It’s on sale for 60% off right now. Be well, Peter ^{1. https://www.myplate.gov/eat-healthy/dairy} ^{2. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_milk_consumption_per_capita} ^{3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_life_expectancy} [post_title] => How to Eat: Discover a New Way of Eating [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => how-to-eat [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-01-13 20:03:28 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-01-13 20:03:28 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8927 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) ) [post_count] => 3 [current_post] => -1 [before_loop] => 1 [in_the_loop] => [post] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8572 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-03-13 12:00:19 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-03-13 12:00:19 [post_content] => Last week I discussed our tendency to get attached to a single point of view, and how this often keeps us stuck. When we recognize the validity of other perspectives – and allow that both sides are within us (and also in our adversaries, be they real or imaginary) – this helps to neutralize the issue. For a deeper and more thorough exploration, we can look at the two sides of an issue intersected with the push and pull of desire and fear (or attraction and repulsion). It’s a process Leslie Temple Thurston simply calls “squares.” Here are some examples. If you find them challenging, I encourage you to work through them. If not, I hope they help you understand how the exercise works and lead you to the patterns that are relevant to you.

You may also be interested in:

Meeting the Part of Yourself That Wants to Be Out of Control

Get By With a Little Help From Your Friends

How to Eat: Discover a New Way of Eating

The Dragontree

stress

Be Better Than A Warrior

16 Ways to Treat Migraines Naturally

How to Be Resilient

Do You Like Pain?

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