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The Well Life

13 Ways to Connect

Before we get swept up in all the material aspects of the holidays, I thought I’d write a bit about the opportunities for inner growth and awakening presented by the… Read More

Conversions with Briana: Alignment

Join Briana Borten for some clarification about what true alignment is, and how we can use it in our lives to achieve the most positive momentum. It’s a replay from… Read More

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I saw that I was choosing the big, dramatic grieving process I was going through. And that meant it was optional. In The Art of Presence, Eckhart Tolle says, “Through thought you cannot possibly grasp what presence is.” But he gives some clues to point us in the right direction. He says it’s there, “when you’re not thinking about the last moment, or looking to the next one.” And he uses phrases like “a state of relaxed alertness” and “a spacious stillness,” to describe it. Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.” Our presence is tremendously rare and hugely valuable. Especially in this age of epidemic distraction, it’s increasingly difficult and uncommon to choose a voluntary time-out from technology, data, and our own mental analysis. But unlike the artificial value of a coin that accidentally got stamped with a head on both sides, our presence can do for us what nothing else can. And we can make it more abundant by simply choosing it. Although it may not put food in our belly, most other problems disappear with presence. The need to fix or relive the past disappears. The need to avoid certain unwanted events in the future disappears. Even if we're working on something now that will benefit us in the future, with our presence, we work on it now in order to work on it now. And that’s enough. The allure of distraction, which so often threatens our presence, dissolves when we practice being present. Do you know the word obviate? I like to write using words that almost everyone understands, but there’s only one word I can think of that means “to make unnecessary,” and that word is obviate. Learning to deepen our presence obviates the urge for distraction and mental departure from our current reality. With presence, we perceive all kinds of intelligence and detail that we’re otherwise deaf and blind to. We know when to eat and when to stop eating. We know how to move our body in a way that doesn’t cause pain or injury. Our work becomes more interesting. Our relationships become healthier. We listen better and we feel heard. With two kids, my presence is requested almost incessantly. I hear the word Papa at least 100 times a day. Often, I hear it ten or more times in quick succession. We all yearn for someone’s total presence with us. These are the moments of connection between what is the same in both of us. Presence uncovers what’s real in this moment. And that’s refreshing, exciting, and affirming. When we’re all so busy that we see time as a commodity, it can seem that giving our presence to someone else is like giving away our treasure. But are we actually giving something away? Of course not. When we “give” our presence we gain the present. To withhold our presence means both we and the other person miss out. So, how can you learn to be more present? It takes practice. If you’re new to this, I don’t recommend making a goal like, “I’m going to be more present from now on.” I don’t want to discourage you, I just want you to be realistic about what you’re up against – a lifetime of habits and a sea of tantalizing distractions. Try something a bit less ambitious, such as this: Once a day, as you begin some activity – whether it’s buying groceries, playing Candyland, eating a meal, and listening to a friend’s problems – select this activity as an exercise in presence. In your mind, identify what exactly you’re doing – “I’m vacuuming the floor” – and devote yourself to that. Don’t run away in the middle of the activity. This means don’t pick up your phone, don’t depart in your mind to explore other thoughts and ideas, don’t visit the past, don’t anticipate what’s next, don’t judge. Just dwell in the present. Be saturated by the present. Feel everything. Accept everything. And let each next moment come. Over time, quicker than you might think, you’ll start regaining your attention. You’ll be able to focus on something for more than five seconds. You’ll begin to yearn for this, which will make your practice much easier. And as you start willingly selecting more and more moments to be completely present, you’ll experience an unending offering of presents. Be well, Dr. Peter Borten [post_title] => A Free Pile of Presents Just for You [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => a-free-pile-of-presents-just-for-you [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8641 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [1] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8712 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-07-28 21:05:49 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-07-28 21:05:49 [post_content] => Last week I saw a show by a troop of comedians at a tiny theater in Montana. Though they were talented, I didn’t find myself laughing much at the recurring “battle of the sexes” theme. The men accused the women of being frigid and overly emotional. The women complained that the men need to be mothered and only care about sex. And back and forth it went. Sure, there’s comic relief in sharing about our common issues, but as I sat there seeing men and women cast somewhat bitterly in these one-dimensional ways, I couldn’t help thinking, “Are we really still doing this?” In my previous article, we looked at the role that attitude plays in the health and sustainability of a relationship. Of course, you can’t make your partner change their attitude, but it’s worth fully exploiting the potential of your own attitude before concluding that the relationship isn’t going to work. One way to be responsible for your attitude is by abstaining from relating your partner as a stereotype. I believe almost everyone does this to an extent. It’s difficult to banish from our minds the ideas we have about men, women, and humans in general. Even if your partner isn’t a typical male or female, your conditioning can cause you to relate to them based on ideas and experiences from the past. And even when you relate to someone simply based on your ideas about that specific person – rather than whoever they are in this very moment – this may still serve as an impediment to authentic connection. Practice presence with them. It’s good to start with a relatively casual conversation. Let both parties be innocent – try to enter the conversation without judgment, expectations, or lenses. Who knows what might happen and how you might see the other person if you were to enter the exchange with absolute freshness. See if you can internally choose when to talk and when to listen. When it’s your turn to listen, don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Just listen. Listen with your ears and eyes and heart. Breathe slowly and fully. What else is involved in “your work”? Here are some examples: To the extent that you actively work to resolve past experiences (especially traumatic ones) that infringe on your current ability to show up “cleanly” with your partner, you will benefit. To the extent that you work to deactivate your “buttons” which cause you to make you react disproportionately to relatively benign behaviors by your partner, you will benefit. To the extent that you choose to show up in your relationship with as much presence and enthusiasm as you can muster, you will benefit. To the extent that you take responsibility for your baggage, attitude, communication, and interpretations, you will benefit. To the extent that you choose to remember and honor your commitment (assuming, of course, that neither party is getting hurt by remaining together), you will benefit. All these benefits are yours whether or not the relationship survives, and the chances of its survival are so much greater when you’re an active and responsible participant in the above ways. Further, if you’re not in a relationship but want to be, doing your work will make for a healthier relationship when the time comes, and it will also support you to make better choices of who to invite into your life. If you’re not in a romantic relationship and don’t care to be, this work will serve you in all your other relationships, including the one with yourself. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Relationship Repair Part Two: Do Your Own Work [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => relationship-repair-part-two-do-your-own-work [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-08-02 04:33:48 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-08-02 04:33:48 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8712 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [2] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8577 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-03-19 12:00:42 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-03-19 12:00:42 [post_content] => As we approach spring, it’s a good time to discuss seasonal junctions. Both Ayurvedic and Chinese systems of medicine see the changes of seasons as times when we are more susceptible to being thrown out of balance as our body is challenged to adapt to the shift. Ayurveda has a saying that “diseases are generated at the junctions of the seasons.” Other junctions are also challenging, with the challenge generally proportional to the magnitude of change. Ayurvedic teacher Robert Svoboda writes, “Ovulation and menstruation are the ‘joints’ of the menstrual cycle, dawn and dusk are the joints of day and night, and adolescence and menopause are the junctions of life.” If you have kids, you know that the “joints” of the day are the times you’re likely to have trouble, and if you’re clever, you find ways to make these transitions easy, such as the ever-popular “five more minutes until we’re leaving.” Depending on where you live and your personal constitution, different seasons and junctions will be challenging for different people. For example, because spring tends to be wet, moving into this season means taking on more of what Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) calls dampness, or in Ayurveda an increase in kapha (“kaap-ha”). This will be most difficult for those who already have constitutional kapha or an accumulation of dampness in their system. Some of the signs and symptoms include: being overweight, having loose, sticky, or incomplete stools, a wide or coated tongue, feeling heavy and tired, finding it hard to wake up in the morning, and a tendency to be phlegmy. Ayurveda might prescribe some therapeutic vomiting for such a condition, but these days, especially in the West, we prefer more pleasant medicine, ideally in gummy form, and we engage in therapeutic vomiting only after an excess of margaritas. Luckily, there are gentler ways to restore balance, and when it comes to management of the seasonal junctions, the most natural is to be aware of vulnerability during seasonal transitions and treat yourself with extra care. For someone with a delicate constitution or pre-existing health problems, this may be prudent at every season change. For others, only certain season changes may be troublesome. In any case, it’s a good idea to get extra sleep and to eat with greater care during the transition month. If you have a personal challenge with the transition to spring, here are some more specific recommendations for this time.

Eat more warm, cooked foods. Soups and stews are great. An ideal one is kitchari, made from rice and mung beans (there are lots of recipes online). If you have some of the kapha / damp challenges described above, you can add plenty of warming spices, including ginger, turmeric, cumin, coriander, turmeric, cinnamon, fenugreek, caraway, nutmeg, and black pepper. As the world gets warmer, start incorporating more fresh local produce.
Avoid heavy, cold, and sweetened foods. These all tend to be cloying. Also, stop eating before you’re full, and let yourself get hungry between meals (don’t snack).
Do some movement every day. Kapha / dampness tends to congeal in us when we’re immobile, sometimes making us feel achy, heavy, phlegmy, or groggy in the morning, after we’ve been horizontal for several hours. Daily movement, ideally with enough vigor to break a sweat, will help.
Try a dry sauna. If you have access to a dry sauna, it can help counteract the effects of a damp environment. It doesn’t need to be too hot. You shouldn’t be pouring sweat. More sustainable is to have longer sessions in which your skin is just glistening.
If you tend to get spring allergies, this is the time to prepare by babying your digestive system (eat slowly, deliberately, and only easily-digested foods) and taking some things to stabilize your immune system. Some of my favorites are quercetin (500mg twice a day), nettles (pick and steam your own if you can), local bee pollen, and homeopathic preparations of the things you’re allergic to. As for this last item, it’s akin to the old-school method of desensitization. There are companies that make super-dilute tinctures common allergens, such as tree pollen, grass pollen, animal hair, mold, dust, etc. I’ve had good experiences with ones made by a company called BioAllers.

For everyone – including those who have no particular challenge with the transition to spring – it’s worthwhile to pay attention to what’s happening in nature. Be fascinated by the return of new life. Notice the boisterous energy in the flowers and birds. Admire the vigor in the shoots that push their way through the crusted soil. The rising energy and lengthening days make it the ideal time for: planning, visualizing, cleansing, and shedding. Wishing you a harmonious junction and beyond, Peter [post_title] => How to Optimize the Transition to Spring [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => how-to-optimize-the-transition-to-spring [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-03-20 16:09:24 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-03-20 16:09:24 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8577 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 5 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) ) [post_count] => 3 [current_post] => -1 [before_loop] => 1 [in_the_loop] => [post] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8641 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_content] => During a particularly hard break-up in my 20s, a friend advised me, “The more present you are during this process, the bigger the present you’ll get out of it.” And though I barely understood what that meant, I gave it a try and an odd thing happened. I saw that I was choosing the big, dramatic grieving process I was going through. And that meant it was optional. In The Art of Presence, Eckhart Tolle says, “Through thought you cannot possibly grasp what presence is.” But he gives some clues to point us in the right direction. He says it’s there, “when you’re not thinking about the last moment, or looking to the next one.” And he uses phrases like “a state of relaxed alertness” and “a spacious stillness,” to describe it. Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.” Our presence is tremendously rare and hugely valuable. Especially in this age of epidemic distraction, it’s increasingly difficult and uncommon to choose a voluntary time-out from technology, data, and our own mental analysis. But unlike the artificial value of a coin that accidentally got stamped with a head on both sides, our presence can do for us what nothing else can. And we can make it more abundant by simply choosing it. Although it may not put food in our belly, most other problems disappear with presence. The need to fix or relive the past disappears. The need to avoid certain unwanted events in the future disappears. Even if we're working on something now that will benefit us in the future, with our presence, we work on it now in order to work on it now. And that’s enough. The allure of distraction, which so often threatens our presence, dissolves when we practice being present. Do you know the word obviate? I like to write using words that almost everyone understands, but there’s only one word I can think of that means “to make unnecessary,” and that word is obviate. Learning to deepen our presence obviates the urge for distraction and mental departure from our current reality. With presence, we perceive all kinds of intelligence and detail that we’re otherwise deaf and blind to. We know when to eat and when to stop eating. We know how to move our body in a way that doesn’t cause pain or injury. Our work becomes more interesting. Our relationships become healthier. We listen better and we feel heard. With two kids, my presence is requested almost incessantly. I hear the word Papa at least 100 times a day. Often, I hear it ten or more times in quick succession. We all yearn for someone’s total presence with us. These are the moments of connection between what is the same in both of us. Presence uncovers what’s real in this moment. And that’s refreshing, exciting, and affirming. When we’re all so busy that we see time as a commodity, it can seem that giving our presence to someone else is like giving away our treasure. But are we actually giving something away? Of course not. When we “give” our presence we gain the present. To withhold our presence means both we and the other person miss out. So, how can you learn to be more present? It takes practice. If you’re new to this, I don’t recommend making a goal like, “I’m going to be more present from now on.” I don’t want to discourage you, I just want you to be realistic about what you’re up against – a lifetime of habits and a sea of tantalizing distractions. Try something a bit less ambitious, such as this: Once a day, as you begin some activity – whether it’s buying groceries, playing Candyland, eating a meal, and listening to a friend’s problems – select this activity as an exercise in presence. In your mind, identify what exactly you’re doing – “I’m vacuuming the floor” – and devote yourself to that. Don’t run away in the middle of the activity. This means don’t pick up your phone, don’t depart in your mind to explore other thoughts and ideas, don’t visit the past, don’t anticipate what’s next, don’t judge. Just dwell in the present. Be saturated by the present. Feel everything. Accept everything. And let each next moment come. Over time, quicker than you might think, you’ll start regaining your attention. You’ll be able to focus on something for more than five seconds. You’ll begin to yearn for this, which will make your practice much easier. And as you start willingly selecting more and more moments to be completely present, you’ll experience an unending offering of presents. Be well, Dr. Peter Borten [post_title] => A Free Pile of Presents Just for You [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => a-free-pile-of-presents-just-for-you [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8641 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [comment_count] => 0 [current_comment] => -1 [found_posts] => 221 [max_num_pages] => 5 [max_num_comment_pages] => 0 [is_single] => [is_preview] => [is_page] => [is_archive] => 1 [is_date] => [is_year] => [is_month] => [is_day] => [is_time] => [is_author] => [is_category] => 1 [is_tag] => [is_tax] => [is_search] => [is_feed] => [is_comment_feed] => [is_trackback] => [is_home] => [is_privacy_policy] => [is_404] => [is_embed] => [is_paged] => [is_admin] => [is_attachment] => [is_singular] => [is_robots] => [is_favicon] => [is_posts_page] => [is_post_type_archive] => [query_vars_hash:WP_Query:private] => 0df327c49f0b155c29fa8ae427c2da77 [query_vars_changed:WP_Query:private] => [thumbnails_cached] => [allow_query_attachment_by_filename:protected] => [stopwords:WP_Query:private] => [compat_fields:WP_Query:private] => Array ( [0] => query_vars_hash [1] => query_vars_changed ) [compat_methods:WP_Query:private] => Array ( [0] => init_query_flags [1] => parse_tax_query ) )

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