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As a young adult living in Western Massachusetts, I had a handful of friends who attended Hampshire College. Hampshire is well known for being highly unconventional. There are no majors, no departments, and no grades. So much of the program is up to the student, including a final yearlong project. I could see why it was appealing, especially to people who didn’t seem to fit into typical academic institutions.
When I first heard these friends talk of the wonderfully freeform nature of their college experience, I was envious. In later years, as they found it increasingly challenging to keep themselves on course, I remember saying, “That kind of program wouldn’t work for me.” I realized, with no shame at all, that I needed way (way) more hand-holding. Only one of my Hampshire friends graduated. I guess they needed more hand-holding too.
There are a number of reasons we avoid getting help or taking direction:
- We’re too proud to admit we need help.
- We’re afraid of opening up, being vulnerable, or appearing weak.
- We think nobody is capable of helping us.
- We don’t want to be controlled or guided in a way we don’t like.
- We don’t want to be told what to do.
- We don’t want to be a burden.
- We don’t want to share the credit.
- We feel it’s less of an accomplishment if we get help.
- We believe we need to do things all by ourselves.
This last one is a common inherited belief, though nearly every impressive historical figure had a team of supporters. Yes, there’s a grain of truth to it: each of us is responsible for ourselves, our choices and actions. Each of us is responsible for how we show up in the world. Nobody can do the internal work for us. But it’s perfectly okay to get tons of help along the way. It doesn’t diminish the outcome. In fact, we connect and improve through the process when we let others in. This is true even when it comes to healing and spirituality. It’s time to let go of the “Lone Ranger complex.”
Guidance and mutual support are an important part of why our program, Sacred Expansion, has been so successful. We created Sacred Expansion as a prerequisite for our life coaching trainees, as we feel it’s important to “clean house” before guiding others. It was designed to help people get to know themselves more deeply, release old unhealthy patterns, and open to a state of greater intuition and trust – all within a group of others on the same journey.
It turned out to be so monumental for our early participants that we decided to make Sacred Expansion available as a stand-alone course. Enrollment is happening NOW! You’ll be lovingly led by my wife, Briana, through an exploration of yourself through the metaphors of the seasons. And you’ll come out of it with greater clarity and self-awareness, less baggage, a deeper connection to Spirit, and the tools to continue the process on your own. I encourage you to do it!
Also, I recommend you look back at that list of reasons we avoid getting help and see if there are any that ring a bell for you. If so, consider the following questions. Is this belief true? (E.g., Is it true that nobody could help me? Is it true that if I asked for help, it would compromise me in some critical way? Is it true that it’s less of an accomplishment if I get help?) And then meditate on what life might be like if you felt completely at ease and unembarrassed about asking for help and graciously receiving it?
Be well,
Peter
P.S. Early Bird pricing for Sacred Expansion is currently in progress. Sign up today and save $200! On August 17th, the price goes up, so if you want to join us, don't miss this opportunity!
Click here to enroll today!
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In the early years of my practice, I studied with an expert in Chinese pulse diagnosis. He had studied under a Chinese doctor named John H. F. Shen who was something of a legend. Dr. Shen was known to treat 200 people in a day. He was a master of reading pulses and faces, and he had an uncanny ability to diagnose the cause of people’s illness – right down to the year it started. Of the countless impressive stories, my teacher recounted the time Shen was feeling an old man’s pulse and told him his problems stemmed from the guilt he felt about killing someone around 1940. The man admitted that during World War II he was part of the French Resistance and had shot a good friend upon discovering that the friend was a Nazi spy.
While I was learning useful pulse diagnosis techniques, I was eager to hear more about Dr. Shen (who had died a few years earlier). I asked my teacher if he’d ever been treated by him. “Yes,” he replied, “and it changed my life forever.” I was expecting to hear a story like the one above, so it was a little disappointing when my teacher said, “He felt my pulses and told me, ‘I won’t treat you. You need to rest. You are working too much.’ That was it.”
What? That was it? “Well, a year later,” he continued, “I tried again. I asked him to feel my pulses and write me an herbal formula. And he told me the same thing. ‘Go home and rest,’ he said. ‘I can’t do anything for you. You need to take a year off.’”
“To take a year off – it seemed unthinkable. But my health had been declining for a long time, so I decided to do it. I made plans to turn my practice over to someone else, I saved money, and I took a year off to rest. It had a more profound impact on me than anything else I’ve ever done. I think I wouldn’t be alive today if I hadn’t listened to him. From then on I have approached life differently.”
Even though it was nothing like the almost-magic readings Dr. Shen was famous for, this story hit me hard. I had spent years studying texts of Chinese medicine that explain the process a healer must understand – the earliest roots of imbalance, how this imbalance progresses into illness, discerning the patterns involved in the illness, and finally, treating the illness and attempting to restore balance. Like almost all my fellow students and practitioners, I had gradually come to focus almost entirely on the last steps – diagnosing and treating the consequences of longstanding imbalance. Meanwhile the early stages had become almost irrelevant. Who cares how it started 50 years ago when the person in front of you needs help now?
Then I remembered, as these ancient books state: “the superior physician” cares – and focuses on correcting imbalance before it becomes disease. Though it’s often impossible to cure advanced disease, in a way it’s a greater challenge to address oneself to the origins, because few people take seriously the early imbalances that aren’t yet causing much suffering.
These early forms of imbalance, by the way, are pretty simple and exceedingly common. They include the unhealthy expression of emotion (suppressing or resisting the experience of an emotion and/or harboring it for a prolonged time), improper eating (too much, too fast, while stressed, low quality food, etc.), and overwork. It was this last issue – overwork – that Dr. Shen was pointing to.
It’s often difficult for people to make the connection between overwork and degradation of health, especially because we’ve all known of a few remarkable and robust individuals who seem able to work tirelessly, sleep minimally, and live for a century. But they are the outliers.
Most of us can’t do this. There is simply no substitute for rest. You can eat well, do yoga, take vitamins, and drink wheatgrass juice, but none of these will allow you to deprive yourself of rest without paying for it.
The simplest advice I could give on rest is this: every day, use less than your total daily allotment of energy. Each day we have a certain amount of energy to work with. This is replenished through good sleep, high quality food digested well, ample clean water, fresh air, our nourishing connections with the world (love and affection, inspiring and affirming conversation, etc.). When we go to bed without having used it all up, we’re investing in ourselves and prolonging our lives. When we use it all up each day, we’re neither serving ourselves nor particularly harming ourselves (as long as our replenishing factors are in good shape). When we use it all up and keep going, we draw on our reserve energy – a reservoir we should rarely need to tap.
This reservoir can be thought of as our store of “life force.” It is what Ayurvedic medicine calls ojas, what Chinese medicine calls jing (“essence”), and what biomedicine understands largely as a function of the endocrine system (especially the adrenal glands). When we deplete our reserve energy, we speed up the aging process and reduce our resistance to disease. Lack of rest also makes us more prone to weight gain. Physiologically this toll may involve depletion of our adrenal glands (a first responder to stress), low thyroid function (a decline in metabolism), low stomach acid and digestive enzyme production, diminished sex hormone production, low immune function, and chronic inflammation.
Everyone can learn to feel when they are running on “good” energy versus tapping into their reserves. When using our “good” energy (the daily allotment discussed above) we have enough fuel to get through our tasks for the day without the need of stimulants, and we feel grounded and solid. When tapping our reserves, we tend to feel a bit jittery, edgy, ungrounded, foggy, weak, or faint. We may feel like we could fall asleep in an instant if we put our head down. If you habitually rely on stimulants (coffee, tea, sugar, chocolate, media, etc.) to get through the day, chances are, you’re tapping into reserve energy on the daily.
If you’ve been out of whack for a while, first stop exceeding your limits. You may also need a period of dedicated rehabilitation like my teacher. This rehabilitation period should include: plenty of clean, fresh air, time in nature, an optimal amount of pure water, a diet of fresh, healthy foods appropriate for your condition, all the sleep you need, a peaceful and positive atmosphere, a personalized health care plan, and you must never use more than your daily allotment of energy. During this period (and always) it’s beneficial to abstain from engaging your energy on anything that doesn’t serve some higher purpose. For instance, if watching vampire movies activates your stress responses (you can tell if you’re on the edge of your seat or feeling tense), this is an energy sink that yields no positive return.
Winter is naturally the ideal time for rest. Just look at how many plants and animals out there have gone dormant for the season. If your mind protests, “But I need to be productive” remind it that this is productive – it’s just a long game. As difficult as it may be to go to bed early, to leave an exercise class before it’s over, or to decline a night out with friends, listening to and honoring your system is a form of growing up. Notice what happens to your mental clarity, mood, self-trust, and quality of life when you prioritize yourself and get the rest you need.
Be well,
Peter
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There was a lot of interest in the article I wrote last month called “How to Bounce Forward from Adversity” in which I discussed positive psychology. Whereas traditional psychology has focused primarily on helping unwell individuals to get to a state of normal functioning, positive psychology explores how we can go beyond “normal” to optimize wellbeing and life satisfaction.
Today I’m going to share some of the most effective ways to do this. The core elements come from Martin Seligman, sometimes considered the founder positive psychology. Seligman is known for the PERMA model of wellbeing, which stands for: Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Achievement. We’ll look at these and some valuable additions from other psychologists.
Positive Emotions: This is as much a measure of optimal wellbeing as it is a means. Seligman emphasizes that seeking positive emotions alone isn’t especially effective, but that fully experiencing positive emotions is vital.
If positive emotions aren’t a prominent part of your psychological landscape, it’s worth looking and feeling into why. I believe positive emotions are part of our native state as humans, an expression of fundamental wellbeing, regardless of circumstances such as socioeconomic status. When they’re not naturally present, this tends to signal that there’s something in the way – such as limiting beliefs about one’s ability or deserving of happiness. We can change this.
Engagement: Having a sense of engagement, in which we may lose track of time and become completely absorbed in something we enjoy and excel at, is an important piece of wellbeing. It’s hard to have a developed sense of wellbeing if you are not truly engaged in anything you do
Psychologists Fred Bryant and Joseph Veroff build on these first two methods through their model of positive experience called Savoring. Here’s how to savor fully and get the most out of your positive experiences:
- Sharing: find other people to share the experience and tell them how much you value it. According to Black Dog Institute, this is the strongest predictor of the level of someone’ pleasure.
- Memory building: do things to crystalize and save the moment, such as intentionally take mental photographs, keeping a souvenir of the event, and reminiscing about it later with others.
- Self-congratulation: this is a hard one for many of us because it entails telling yourself what a good person you are and remembering everything you’ve done to get yourself to this point in your life.
- Sharpening perception: this is practice to encourage the imprinting of the experience in your consciousness. Pay close attention and try focusing on certain elements and blocking out others, like closing your eyes while listening to music.
- Absorption: allow yourself to become totally immersed, not thinking, just experiencing fully
Relationships: Study after study has shown that healthy relationships are the single most significant predictor of happiness and longevity. We are social creatures and our connections with others help us flourish. They give us opportunities to share, to help, to be heard, to be witnessed, to touch, to laugh, to be co-inspired. I have a homework assignment for you. Today I want you to call or visit someone you haven’t been in contact with for a while. Both of you will benefit from this.
Meaning: There are plenty of ways to experience positive emotions and good connections without meaning, but for most of us, especially as we get older, this factor starts to matter more. Sometimes we can even have a “meaningless crisis” where we suddenly feel that nothing in our life has real significance. If we’ve spent the last decade getting stoned and playing video games, maybe such a realization is pointing to a need for some changes. But for most people, it’s a matter of attitude adjustment more than a life overhaul.
For instance, doing the core values, gifts, and life purpose work in our Dreambook can help you get aligned with your meaning, which you then bring into whatever you do. An early mentor of mine, Matt Garrigan, used to say, “Life is meaningless. You add the meaning.” While that might sound kind of fatalistic, he meant it to be liberating. It underscores the power to choose our perspective.
Dr. Amy Wrzesniewski of Yale University writes about the distinctions between relating to your work as a job (you see your work as a means of income, a necessity), a career (you take a certain pride in what you do and hope to advance and succeed at it), or a calling (your work is a central, meaningful part of life and who you are, a forum for self-expression and gratification). These three orientations represent degrees of meaning, and a spectrum of overall life satisfaction. Being dedicated to something bigger than oneself brings to a special kind of fulfillment. Incidentally, Wrzesniewski emphasizes that the job itself is irrelevant to one’s orientation toward it. You could approach trash collection as a calling.
Achievement: In a world that sometimes hyper-focuses on achievement as the sole measure of a person’s worth, it’s easy to get the wrong idea about it and find ourselves unable to relax and play. But we need to strike a balance because accomplishing things, even small things, is essential to authentic wellbeing.
When we set out to do something and follow it through to completion we build confidence and self-trust, and it reinforces the feeling that we have some control over the trajectory of our work and overall life, which is another factor that yields greater wellbeing.
Play: Being able to play – doing something for no outcome other than play itself – is one I’d add to this list. Here’s an excerpt on play from our book, The Well Life:
George Bernard Shaw said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” We know it’s hard to schedule time just for enjoyment, but play is important stuff. Playing and laughing are good for our cardiovascular health. They foster bonding with our family and friends. They’re relaxing. They promote development of social skills. They’re uplifting. They teach us cooperation. They help us learn to manage our emotions. They improve brain function, learning, and cognition. They relieve stress. They enhance healing. They stimulate creativity and problem solving. They keep us feeling youthful. Unfortunately, we tend to save playtime for after everything else is done. But it shouldn’t be seen as just a reward. Play is therapeutic.
Finally, one more that numerous others have added to PERMA is Vitality. Physical vitality and psychological wellness are interdependent. That’s not to say you can’t have one without the other, but many physical health factors such as high energy, good digestion, restful sleep, and adequate strength often translate to a better ability to do the other things on the list, as well as supporting a clear and open mind.
I encourage you to go through this list and choose one factor to dedicate yourself this coming week – ideally one that could use some attention. Set an intention to work on it each day, and write it down. At the end of each day, take a few minutes to reflect on (and, better yet, journal about) how this affected you.
Be well,
Peter
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As a young adult living in Western Massachusetts, I had a handful of friends who attended Hampshire College. Hampshire is well known for being highly unconventional. There are no majors, no departments, and no grades. So much of the program is up to the student, including a final yearlong project. I could see why it was appealing, especially to people who didn’t seem to fit into typical academic institutions.
When I first heard these friends talk of the wonderfully freeform nature of their college experience, I was envious. In later years, as they found it increasingly challenging to keep themselves on course, I remember saying, “That kind of program wouldn’t work for me.” I realized, with no shame at all, that I needed way (way) more hand-holding. Only one of my Hampshire friends graduated. I guess they needed more hand-holding too.
There are a number of reasons we avoid getting help or taking direction:
- We’re too proud to admit we need help.
- We’re afraid of opening up, being vulnerable, or appearing weak.
- We think nobody is capable of helping us.
- We don’t want to be controlled or guided in a way we don’t like.
- We don’t want to be told what to do.
- We don’t want to be a burden.
- We don’t want to share the credit.
- We feel it’s less of an accomplishment if we get help.
- We believe we need to do things all by ourselves.
This last one is a common inherited belief, though nearly every impressive historical figure had a team of supporters. Yes, there’s a grain of truth to it: each of us is responsible for ourselves, our choices and actions. Each of us is responsible for how we show up in the world. Nobody can do the internal work for us. But it’s perfectly okay to get tons of help along the way. It doesn’t diminish the outcome. In fact, we connect and improve through the process when we let others in. This is true even when it comes to healing and spirituality. It’s time to let go of the “Lone Ranger complex.”
Guidance and mutual support are an important part of why our program, Sacred Expansion, has been so successful. We created Sacred Expansion as a prerequisite for our life coaching trainees, as we feel it’s important to “clean house” before guiding others. It was designed to help people get to know themselves more deeply, release old unhealthy patterns, and open to a state of greater intuition and trust – all within a group of others on the same journey.
It turned out to be so monumental for our early participants that we decided to make Sacred Expansion available as a stand-alone course. Enrollment is happening NOW! You’ll be lovingly led by my wife, Briana, through an exploration of yourself through the metaphors of the seasons. And you’ll come out of it with greater clarity and self-awareness, less baggage, a deeper connection to Spirit, and the tools to continue the process on your own. I encourage you to do it!
Also, I recommend you look back at that list of reasons we avoid getting help and see if there are any that ring a bell for you. If so, consider the following questions. Is this belief true? (E.g., Is it true that nobody could help me? Is it true that if I asked for help, it would compromise me in some critical way? Is it true that it’s less of an accomplishment if I get help?) And then meditate on what life might be like if you felt completely at ease and unembarrassed about asking for help and graciously receiving it?
Be well,
Peter
P.S. Early Bird pricing for Sacred Expansion is currently in progress. Sign up today and save $200! On August 17th, the price goes up, so if you want to join us, don't miss this opportunity!
Click here to enroll today!
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