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In past articles I suggested that while it’s common to think that the essence of commitment is staying together no matter what, this is a pretty superficial interpretation. More meaningful is a commitment to a certain quality of relationship. What’s the value in saying “forever” if you’re not going to make it a wonderful forever?
If you’re in a committed relationship and are interested in improving it, it’s valuable to write about and discuss with your partner the qualities you’re committed to. If you’re not in a relationship but would like be in an ecstatic one, it’s useful to define these qualities beforehand. Below are some ideas to get you started.
Note that when I say “both people” in these examples, of course you can request that your partner agrees, but it’s important to begin with yourself. You and your partner are different people. If you’re fully participating and your partner isn’t on board with everything you’ve requested, let them explain what exactly they are willing to commit to. Then you can decide whether that works for you.
Be patient with them if you’ve never discussed ideas like these before. They may have some learning and catching up to do. Be tactful to help them understand that your interest in leveling-up the relationship doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong.
Kindness – A basic starting point for a mutually beneficial relationship is that both people treat each other (and themselves) with kind words and actions. This includes being flexible, forgiving, and striving to understand. To start, take a single day to be acutely mindful of the kindness – or lack thereof – in your words, thoughts, and behaviors (with regard to your partner). This may help you to recognize the potential breadth of kindness.
Honesty – Honesty means more than not telling lies or keeping secrets. High level honesty in a relationship designed for growth and synergy entails a great deal of self-awareness. You must know what’s actually going on within you in order to be honest with your words and actions. Otherwise there’s dissonance. Dissonance doesn’t feel good. It may cause you to subconsciously blame the other person or resent the relationship, and your partner will likely perceive it as a lack of closeness.
Engagement – It’s natural to have times when we’re wrapped up in our work, family responsibilities, or personal pursuits, with little left to invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand this, though not indefinitely. In order to get the most out of a relationship, both people must routinely (and enthusiastically) invest time, energy, and presence in it. If you’re finding yourself averse to doing so, return to Honesty and figure out what’s actually going on.
Mutuality – It may sound obvious that both people should aim to see and include the other as an equal, conscious being, but it’s exceedingly common to relate to a partner (or anyone else we know) through the internal mental representation we’ve created of them based on past interactions and judgments. In this way, we may treat each other more like objects than vessels of consciousness, light, and love. We may unconsciously regard them as an obstacle, or a thing that serves to give us something or make us happy. (Refer to last week’s article for some direction on authentic relating.)
Maturity – Living in an adult-size body doesn’t have much to do with maturity. Relationships can be great facilitators of growing up (which, by the way, doesn’t mean being serious, rigid, or boring). A commitment to maturity in a relationship might mean that both parties endeavor to show up as responsible adults; doing our best not to let our inner child run us (and being honest about when it is); not blaming the other for our own stuff; not playing parent to our partner; being transparent, brave, and communicative.
Integrity – In a relationship of integrity, we aim to keep our agreements with ourselves and our partner. We are consistent. We are trustworthy. We strive to maintain harmony between who we are and who we say we want to be. Finally, we do these things not out of a feeling of obligation but with a spirit of rising to the occasion.
I hope this article has given you some ideas of the sorts of qualities you wish to commit to in current or future relationships. I can barely imagine the great ways the world would change if we all made such conscious commitments.
Be well,
Peter
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Although we weren’t thinking about it while writing it, our life planner, The Dreambook, is very much aligned with ideas of the Human Potential Movement (HPM). The movement focuses on helping people attain their full potential through numerous avenues, including self-awareness, honesty, openness, optimism, self-acceptance, mindfulness, and a willingness to be outside of one’s comfort zone. Wikipedia says a central premise of the HPM is that “people can experience a life of happiness, creativity, and fulfillment,” and that this naturally moves us to uplift our community and assist others to actualize their own potential.
Although it’s often seen as having developed from the 1960s counterculture, the seeds of the HPM were planted much earlier. Close influences were psychologists such as William James, Carl Rogers, and Abraham Maslow. In particular, Maslow’s famous Hierarchy of Needs elucidated how humans are motivated. He claimed that we have tiers of needs, and that foundational tiers – e.g., food, shelter, safety – have to be managed before we can dedicate ourselves to higher tiers such as relationships and achievement. Maslow called the top tier self-actualization, the full realization of our potential.
Well before these modern thinkers, Greek philosophers such as Socrates and Epictetus were teaching about human potential through the cultivation of virtue. Confucius, too, (500-ish years BCE) was a great champion of personal development and spoke of the relationship between one’s individual growth and the benefit to society, similarly to what is echoed above by the HPM. In The Great Learning he wrote:
In ancient times, those who wished to make bright virtue brilliant in the world first ordered their states; those who wished to order their states first aligned their households; those who wished to align their households first refined their persons; those who wished to refine their persons first balanced their minds and hearts; those who wished to balance their minds and hearts first perfected the sincerity of their intentions; those who wished to perfect the sincerity of their intentions first extended their understanding; extending one’s understanding lies in the investigation of things.
And “the investigation of things,” according to twelfth century philosopher Zhu Xi, means, “to exhaustively arrive at the principles of matters, missing no point as one reaches the ultimate.” Some would say it means to perceive the true nature of reality.
I find this view beautifully holistic: that even for worldly aims (“to make bright virtue brilliant in the world”), we start with our basic orientation to reality, then bring this forward to the “sincerity of our intentions,” the balance of our hearts and minds, then to personal refinement, the alignment of our household, and then outward to our community.
Depending on your disposition, these statements can feel inspiring or unreachably lofty. If making bright virtue brilliant in the world feels daunting, let’s look at the ideas of living to one’s potential in simpler terms.
Confucius speaks first about the investigation of things – understanding the world. Doesn’t it make sense that in order to really grasp our potential we must understand the context in which it is expressed?
This isn’t work anyone can do for us, and it requires humility, innocence, and openness. It means, in my opinion, approaching the world as a student would approach a master teacher – willing to be wrong and open to having our mind blown. If we look to cultures who live in close connection with nature (including Confucius’s culture), they’ll almost universally assert that it’s the sacred in us, interacting with the sacred of the world, that is the essence of life – not the masks and stories we’ve superimposed upon it. What is the sacred? That which can’t be depleted, exhausted, or diminished.
What about the sincerity of intention Confucius mentions? We hope to nudge our readers toward sincere intention through the exploratory questions in the Connect section of the Dreambook. Figure out what brings you joy and gratification, regardless of what others might think. What raises your vibration? What makes you feel alive? What opens your heart? What makes you feel you’re aligned with the purpose your Highest Self wants for you?
From here, establish structures to support the actualization of these intentions. Integrate them into your everyday life. Set goals, break them down into tasks, and put the tasks in your calendar. Practice integrity by honoring your agreements with yourself. Be reverent of the powerful words they are constructed from. Make sure your agreements are clear – always know what you’ve agreed to and where you stand on them. Notice what you accomplish and celebrate these achievements. Don’t complain. Be flexible. Maintain a clear inner vision of what you intend to bring into being. And routinely express gratitude.
If this sounds like a lot to remember, that’s what a planner like the Dreambook is for – to keep you on track with the actualization of that incredible potential within you. We’re honored to witness you.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Are You Actually Actualizing?
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No matter where you are on your journey, the Dragontree candle collection offers an inspiring tool to help light the way. Our new candles are thoughtfully designed and hand-crafted with intention and quality ingredients.
We. Love. Candles. As owners of spas and teachers of ritual, we go through a LOT of candles. Think of a big number and multiply it by a zillion – that’s how many candles we burn. A day.
There are plenty of things we love about candles, but the central reason we use them is to bring the Fire Element into our space.
From the beginning of recorded time, fire has been a powerful symbol and a central part of our lives. Our relationship to it is embedded deep in our collective consciousness.
Fire’s light and warmth has long been a source of comfort and safety, and has been used to initiate rituals, to carry prayers, to promote transformation, to celebrate our connection with each other, and to remember and honor the light of awareness that unites us and transcends the mundane.
For millennia we tended fires and gazed into flames on a daily basis, which facilitated a gentle meditative state in which we readily let go of our troubles and became realigned. Deprived of that routine, we find ourselves habitually staring at glowing screens instead . . . an inferior replacement that tends to have the opposite effect on us.
The moment we light a candle, it shifts our consciousness. It takes us out of the whirlwind and brings us back into the present moment.
Every detail of our Dragontree candles was painstakingly considered to ensure they’d be inspiring, supportive, and simply the best candles we’ve ever used.
Why they’re so great:
- Made with 100% beeswax
- Higher melting point so they emit the cleanest, brightest flame
- Cleanest burning wax produces no soot or toxic chemicals
- Releases negative ions into the air, helps purify and elevate sacred spaces
- The dense composition of beeswax burns slower and lasts longer than other candles
- Individually hand poured by craftspeople in Cape Cod.
- Presented in a luxurious box with gold foil lettering – perfect for gifting
- Made with natural essential oils for an aromatherapeutic – but never overpowering or perfumy – experience
- Poured in beautiful glass vessels imprinted with an affirmation
- Vessels can be reused as an elegant pen holder, vase, or a hundred other uses
- Ethically and sustainably created
- No dyes, additives, or parabens
- 3"D x 3.5"H
- 8 oz.
- Up to 50 hours burn time
- Made in the USA
Why not paraffin, soy, or palm wax?
Paraffin is a byproduct of the petroleum industry, and burning paraffin candles releases toxic compounds into your living space, including known carcinogens. Soy wax comes from soybeans, 96% of which are genetically modified to tolerate application of the pesticide Roundup. We don’t want to contribute to the soy industry and its ecological impacts. Palm wax comes from palm plantations which require massive-scale deforestation, endangering orangutans and other species, and contributing to climate change. Beeswax, in contrast, requires raising millions of healthy bees, which pollinate our crops and are a vital link in the ecosystem.
You Are Sacred
This elegant and soulful candle comes in a glossy black tumbler that is imprinted with a simple but powerful reminder: You Are Sacred. We know how easy it is for this crazy human ride to make you forget, to make you feel small and powerless. But that’s not who you really are. Remember? You Are Sacred. You are an expression of your Highest Self. You are a conscious creator. You can choose in every moment how to embody this sacredness. Light it daily before meditation, journaling, setting an intention, starting your day, or anytime you need some sacred space to get through a negative experience.
The spicy, earthy notes of Cardamon, Vetiver, and Cedarwood mix with the bright, clear scent of Cypress and Pine, and the addition of Amyris highlights the soft woodsy aroma with the slightest hint of sweetness. This custom scent was blended to foster a calm sense of wellbeing and connect you to the sacred spaces found in nature .
Our You Are Sacred candle makes a thoughtful gift for loved ones to show them you recognize their scaredness and want to be a part of their challenges, healing, and growth.
Be The Light
This bright and joyful candle is hand poured into a reflective white glass vessel and speaks to a powerful choice that is always available: “Be The Light” in noble gold lettering. This simple, yet life-changing statement reminds you there is a light within and your job is to let it shine into the world. Just as one candle can be used to light another, your light – pouring through your heart, your smile, your hands, giving purpose to your every task – sparks the light in others.
Be The Light means not just shining outward, but also inward. In order to be effective beacons in the world, we must not withhold light from any part of ourselves. Being the light means accepting and integrating all that we are. In a world with plenty of darkness, there is no service greater than being an embodiment of light, uplifting those around you and affirming that lightness is their true nature.
The fresh, cleansing fragrance of Sage and Pine blends artfully with soothing notes of Lavender and Vanilla and creates a sensory experience that supports emotional balance, blocks negative energies, and purifies your sacred space.
Brighten someone’s day by gifting them this lovely affirmation. It serves as a daily prompt and lets them know that you recognize their light and are warmed and inspired by knowing them.
Click here to check out our new candles!
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In past articles I suggested that while it’s common to think that the essence of commitment is staying together no matter what, this is a pretty superficial interpretation. More meaningful is a commitment to a certain quality of relationship. What’s the value in saying “forever” if you’re not going to make it a wonderful forever?
If you’re in a committed relationship and are interested in improving it, it’s valuable to write about and discuss with your partner the qualities you’re committed to. If you’re not in a relationship but would like be in an ecstatic one, it’s useful to define these qualities beforehand. Below are some ideas to get you started.
Note that when I say “both people” in these examples, of course you can request that your partner agrees, but it’s important to begin with yourself. You and your partner are different people. If you’re fully participating and your partner isn’t on board with everything you’ve requested, let them explain what exactly they are willing to commit to. Then you can decide whether that works for you.
Be patient with them if you’ve never discussed ideas like these before. They may have some learning and catching up to do. Be tactful to help them understand that your interest in leveling-up the relationship doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong.
Kindness – A basic starting point for a mutually beneficial relationship is that both people treat each other (and themselves) with kind words and actions. This includes being flexible, forgiving, and striving to understand. To start, take a single day to be acutely mindful of the kindness – or lack thereof – in your words, thoughts, and behaviors (with regard to your partner). This may help you to recognize the potential breadth of kindness.
Honesty – Honesty means more than not telling lies or keeping secrets. High level honesty in a relationship designed for growth and synergy entails a great deal of self-awareness. You must know what’s actually going on within you in order to be honest with your words and actions. Otherwise there’s dissonance. Dissonance doesn’t feel good. It may cause you to subconsciously blame the other person or resent the relationship, and your partner will likely perceive it as a lack of closeness.
Engagement – It’s natural to have times when we’re wrapped up in our work, family responsibilities, or personal pursuits, with little left to invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand this, though not indefinitely. In order to get the most out of a relationship, both people must routinely (and enthusiastically) invest time, energy, and presence in it. If you’re finding yourself averse to doing so, return to Honesty and figure out what’s actually going on.
Mutuality – It may sound obvious that both people should aim to see and include the other as an equal, conscious being, but it’s exceedingly common to relate to a partner (or anyone else we know) through the internal mental representation we’ve created of them based on past interactions and judgments. In this way, we may treat each other more like objects than vessels of consciousness, light, and love. We may unconsciously regard them as an obstacle, or a thing that serves to give us something or make us happy. (Refer to last week’s article for some direction on authentic relating.)
Maturity – Living in an adult-size body doesn’t have much to do with maturity. Relationships can be great facilitators of growing up (which, by the way, doesn’t mean being serious, rigid, or boring). A commitment to maturity in a relationship might mean that both parties endeavor to show up as responsible adults; doing our best not to let our inner child run us (and being honest about when it is); not blaming the other for our own stuff; not playing parent to our partner; being transparent, brave, and communicative.
Integrity – In a relationship of integrity, we aim to keep our agreements with ourselves and our partner. We are consistent. We are trustworthy. We strive to maintain harmony between who we are and who we say we want to be. Finally, we do these things not out of a feeling of obligation but with a spirit of rising to the occasion.
I hope this article has given you some ideas of the sorts of qualities you wish to commit to in current or future relationships. I can barely imagine the great ways the world would change if we all made such conscious commitments.
Be well,
Peter
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I love this thank you!
I believe that I am taking space when I crochet. When crocheting becomes rote, my mind is empty. I’m almost asleep. When I come to, an hour or two has passed.
Thank you 🙂 Just wondering you mentioned your book? Can you get that in CD form?
Hi Denise,
I don’t have a release date for an audiobook, but its definitely in our plans. We’ll let you know when one is available. Thanks for asking ❤