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For the past several weeks, I’ve been writing about the factors that contribute to longevity. Some of these are (mostly) beyond our control – like having good genetics, being female, growing up in a developed country, and having access to good medical care. These articles are about the factors that we can control. Let’s continue.
#7: Prioritize Community and Service
When Briana and I decided to leave Portland, Oregon (where I had lived for 15 years and she’d been for 12), Briana was concerned about not having community at our new home in Colorado. In my excitement about the move I was nonchalant about it. “We’ll make new friends! Don’t worry! We’ve got each other!” I said with total confidence.
But a couple years into our Colorado life we were wondering if we should move. We had a few friends, but didn’t feel we were part of a strong community – a group of people who share similar values, who look out for each other, who support each other’s growth, whose connectedness enhances the lives of everyone involved.
As a lifelong introvert, I was surprised to discover how much community actually mattered to me – and how much I missed it. Luckily, through a combination of meeting more good people and our own efforts to feed it, our community started to grow, and we now feel rooted in Colorado and nourished by our people. I think my life expectancy has grown by at least 3 years. 😉
Having community consistently registers in studies as the single best (non-genetic, non-geographic) predictor of longevity. I believe this is even more likely when your orientation toward community is one of service. Putting oneself in service to the world lets us share our gifts – and hone those gifts – and see our value manifest in our good deeds. Both the recognition of our connections to others and the desire to make a positive difference seem to tether us to life.
#8: Exchange Love and Touch
Few medical interventions do us as much good as simply being touched compassionately and knowing we’re loved. It’s a damn shame that unhealed trauma, human neuroses, fear of rejection, and inherited pain have so distorted such a fundamentally GOOD thing.
All of us were held snugly and perpetually in the womb. Most of us were held almost incessantly as newborns, quite a lot as infants, and frequently as toddlers. Then less and less as the years went on. A similar progression occurs for many of us around the openness of expressions of love in our lives. Often around adolescence things get weird – sometimes toxic even – and it’s common to never find our way back to that earlier freedom around the exchange of touch and expression of love.
Whatever work it takes, and however painful and difficult that work may be, it’s worth it to be able to touch and be touched, to be able to express love and allow ourselves to be loved, with a wide open heart.
You don’t need to strive for being able to partake in a “cuddle puddle” with a group of strangers. Not everyone is capable of that level of comfort with touch, and that’s okay. I’m talking about a hug, or holding hands – that’s plenty. A massage is also a wonderful and therapeutic way to exchange touch (if you don’t know how, check out my and Briana’s online video course “Learn How to Massage”!).
Be well & take care,
Peter
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A few years ago, we added a simple habit-tracking system in our ever popular Dreambook. Users can track up to four habits at a time, marking their progress on each day using whatever indicator or scale works best.
This system addresses some of the key challenges of changing habits – remembering to do it, tracking progress to catalyze motivation, and looking at the trend over time to reinforce self-trust and recognize one’s growth.
But there’s another factor in changing habits that can help make them easier to implement and more likely to “stick” in a permanent way. It’s the alignment of habits with our beliefs, values, and identities. When our beliefs are in sync with our behaviors, they support each other. When they’re out of sync, our good habits don’t last.
Take, for instance, the oh-so-common new year’s resolution of losing weight. If we see ourselves as an out of shape person with a lack of discipline, this resolution is doomed because we tend to act in accordance with who we believe ourselves to be.
Another reason such a resolution might not last is when the goal represents a fixed point. If we resolve to lose 20 pounds and we achieve it, then we’re complete and off the hook. The energy we mustered to pull it off runs out and we lose steam.
If you’re a Dreambook user, you know that we are big fans of goals – including fixed, measurable, and material ones. Achieving these goals often depends on good habits – such as saving money, eating well, or practicing a new language – but because they’re complete at a certain point, they aren’t always enough if your true objective is to permanently install the habits that made that goal possible.
Based on who you want to be, it’s likely that this is your true objective – to embody the way of this identity. As you live the habits of this chosen being, you reinforce that you are the person you aim to be.
So, if there’s a habit you wish to establish, consider: for what kind of person would this habit be natural? If the desired habit is daily exercise, perhaps the answer is a fit and healthy person. If the crux of the challenge is honoring your agreements with yourself, maybe the answer is a person with integrity or a person who always keeps their agreements. If you see yourself as healthy and fit, then behaviors that support health and fitness come naturally. If you don’t, then these habits feel like a contradiction.
Going through the Core Values, Gifts, and Life Purpose sections of the Dreambook can be helpful for determining your deeper “identity goals.” Ideally your chosen identities will not only bring about the results you want… Even more satisfying is that the clarity and conscious choice involved in the process, and the eventual embodiment of this identity throughout your life will make you the person your soul has always believed you could be.
Along with the recognition of an intentional identity, it’s still worthwhile to measurable and unmeasurable goals, and to use the habit tracker to make the way of your Highest Self your M.O.
For instance, a resolution to lose weight might lead to identifying core values such as vibrant health, relishing life, living to your potential, and leading by example. From these values the goal that emerges might be something like “To embody vibrant health and love of life!” While that may be hard to quantify, it also necessitates continual improvement and refinement – which are natural traits of the kind of person who chooses such goals, and which provide ongoing evidence that you are that person.
Happy Dreambooking,
Peter
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In our book, The Well Life, Briana and I introduced three elements of life that are essential for happiness, balance, and peace: structure, sweetness, and space. I discussed the first two in my articles of the past two weeks. Now let’s look at the most elusive and powerful: space. Like water to a fish, it’s easy for humans to be oblivious to space.
Space is the formless source – vast, intelligent, divine, eternal, nondual – behind, within, and beyond all form. Space gives us the capacity for perspective – to see and experience beyond the confines of our mind, and to reflect, refine, and heal. Space allows for the openness to receive and grow. Space offers us access to universal wisdom, creativity, and insight.
Our coaching training begins with a program called Sacred Expansion (which can also be taken on its own) specifically for the purpose of opening up space before the learning begins. You’ve probably heard the old parable about the student who approaches a master asking for instruction, but is too full of his own ideas to be open to new teachings. The master pours him a cup of tea, but doesn’t stop when the cup is full. As it spills over and the student cries out that the master is making a big mess, the master responds that this is the first lesson – the student must begin by “emptying his cup.” This is precisely why Sacred Expansion comes first.
But even if you’re not taking one of our courses, there are plenty of good reasons to become conscious of space in your life. As it relates to sweetness, what often makes the sweetest moments so powerful is that the form – the content of our lives – because thinner and permeable, and we have a more direct experience space as the formless and timeless spiritual dimension. Space gives us the presence that lets us find sweetness even in the most tedious or mundane activities. As it relates to structure, space allows our life architecture to be airy, magical, and guided by the intelligence of our Highest Self, rather than a narrow set of obligations we feel confined to in order to be successful or comfortable.
Here are four powerful ways to invite more space into your life:
- Bring your attention to your breath. By breathing more consciously and deeply, you open space in your body which creates space in your mind. Bringing your attention to your breath throughout the day expands your consciousness and the present experience. You’re less at the mercy of your emotions and circumstances. Life slows down when your breathing slows down. While a full inhale is instrumental in opening your whole self, a long and complete exhale is just as vital since this is the letting go phase (i.e., clearing out whatever’s filling your space) of the breath.
- Give your attention uncompromisingly to the here and now. HERE is the only place and NOW is the only time you’ll ever be. When you depart from the present moment to follow your thoughts, your space shrinks. The present moment all but disappears. But when you devote yourself to this – to what’s currently alive – it expands. And you’ll discover a richness here that the past and future can’t compete with.
- Prioritize space. Generally, if space isn’t protected, it will be filled and forgotten. Form is everything to the ego – the inward form of thoughts and the outward form of things. Beauty, energy, success, possessions, physical safety, and our thoughts can easily become the most important thing in our life. In order to keep this from happening, you must consciously choose space, over and over and over. Carve out space in which you can sit in the stillness (meditation, listening, being in nature, etc.) and hear your soul.
- Practice ritual. By “ritual” I don’t mean any particular religious ceremony or magical incantation. I simply mean the deliberate choice to do something special for the sole purpose of elevating the moment and honoring space itself. Forge your own rituals using whatever elements help you open to an expansive state of consciousness.
If you resonate with these ideas, I encourage you to sign up for the Sacred Expansion course. You’ll spend 8 weeks with a group of likeminded others, clearing out the obstacles to a more spacious life, and getting recalibrated through the natural world.
Much love,
Peter
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For the past several weeks, I’ve been writing about the factors that contribute to longevity. Some of these are (mostly) beyond our control – like having good genetics, being female, growing up in a developed country, and having access to good medical care. These articles are about the factors that we can control. Let’s continue.
#7: Prioritize Community and Service
When Briana and I decided to leave Portland, Oregon (where I had lived for 15 years and she’d been for 12), Briana was concerned about not having community at our new home in Colorado. In my excitement about the move I was nonchalant about it. “We’ll make new friends! Don’t worry! We’ve got each other!” I said with total confidence.
But a couple years into our Colorado life we were wondering if we should move. We had a few friends, but didn’t feel we were part of a strong community – a group of people who share similar values, who look out for each other, who support each other’s growth, whose connectedness enhances the lives of everyone involved.
As a lifelong introvert, I was surprised to discover how much community actually mattered to me – and how much I missed it. Luckily, through a combination of meeting more good people and our own efforts to feed it, our community started to grow, and we now feel rooted in Colorado and nourished by our people. I think my life expectancy has grown by at least 3 years. 😉
Having community consistently registers in studies as the single best (non-genetic, non-geographic) predictor of longevity. I believe this is even more likely when your orientation toward community is one of service. Putting oneself in service to the world lets us share our gifts – and hone those gifts – and see our value manifest in our good deeds. Both the recognition of our connections to others and the desire to make a positive difference seem to tether us to life.
#8: Exchange Love and Touch
Few medical interventions do us as much good as simply being touched compassionately and knowing we’re loved. It’s a damn shame that unhealed trauma, human neuroses, fear of rejection, and inherited pain have so distorted such a fundamentally GOOD thing.
All of us were held snugly and perpetually in the womb. Most of us were held almost incessantly as newborns, quite a lot as infants, and frequently as toddlers. Then less and less as the years went on. A similar progression occurs for many of us around the openness of expressions of love in our lives. Often around adolescence things get weird – sometimes toxic even – and it’s common to never find our way back to that earlier freedom around the exchange of touch and expression of love.
Whatever work it takes, and however painful and difficult that work may be, it’s worth it to be able to touch and be touched, to be able to express love and allow ourselves to be loved, with a wide open heart.
You don’t need to strive for being able to partake in a “cuddle puddle” with a group of strangers. Not everyone is capable of that level of comfort with touch, and that’s okay. I’m talking about a hug, or holding hands – that’s plenty. A massage is also a wonderful and therapeutic way to exchange touch (if you don’t know how, check out my and Briana’s online video course “Learn How to Massage”!).
Be well & take care,
Peter
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Cart
I love this thank you!
I believe that I am taking space when I crochet. When crocheting becomes rote, my mind is empty. I’m almost asleep. When I come to, an hour or two has passed.
Thank you 🙂 Just wondering you mentioned your book? Can you get that in CD form?
Hi Denise,
I don’t have a release date for an audiobook, but its definitely in our plans. We’ll let you know when one is available. Thanks for asking ❤