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Last week I saw a show by a troop of comedians at a tiny theater in Montana. Though they were talented, I didn’t find myself laughing much at the recurring “battle of the sexes” theme. The men accused the women of being frigid and overly emotional. The women complained that the men need to be mothered and only care about sex. And back and forth it went. Sure, there’s comic relief in sharing about our common issues, but as I sat there seeing men and women cast somewhat bitterly in these one-dimensional ways, I couldn’t help thinking, “Are we really still doing this?”
In my previous article, we looked at the role that attitude plays in the health and sustainability of a relationship. Of course, you can’t make your partner change their attitude, but it’s worth fully exploiting the potential of your own attitude before concluding that the relationship isn’t going to work. One way to be responsible for your attitude is by abstaining from relating your partner as a stereotype.
I believe almost everyone does this to an extent. It’s difficult to banish from our minds the ideas we have about men, women, and humans in general. Even if your partner isn’t a typical male or female, your conditioning can cause you to relate to them based on ideas and experiences from the past. And even when you relate to someone simply based on your ideas about that specific person – rather than whoever they are in this very moment – this may still serve as an impediment to authentic connection.
Practice presence with them. It’s good to start with a relatively casual conversation. Let both parties be innocent – try to enter the conversation without judgment, expectations, or lenses. Who knows what might happen and how you might see the other person if you were to enter the exchange with absolute freshness.
See if you can internally choose when to talk and when to listen. When it’s your turn to listen, don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Just listen. Listen with your ears and eyes and heart. Breathe slowly and fully.
What else is involved in “your work”? Here are some examples:
To the extent that you actively work to resolve past experiences (especially traumatic ones) that infringe on your current ability to show up “cleanly” with your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you work to deactivate your “buttons” which cause you to make you react disproportionately to relatively benign behaviors by your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to show up in your relationship with as much presence and enthusiasm as you can muster, you will benefit.
To the extent that you take responsibility for your baggage, attitude, communication, and interpretations, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to remember and honor your commitment (assuming, of course, that neither party is getting hurt by remaining together), you will benefit.
All these benefits are yours whether or not the relationship survives, and the chances of its survival are so much greater when you’re an active and responsible participant in the above ways. Further, if you’re not in a relationship but want to be, doing your work will make for a healthier relationship when the time comes, and it will also support you to make better choices of who to invite into your life. If you’re not in a romantic relationship and don’t care to be, this work will serve you in all your other relationships, including the one with yourself.
Be well,
Peter
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One of the main ways that we get stuck or fail to reach our potential is through persistent psychological patterns. Some would say they’re not just psychological, but psycho-spiritual, or even karmic. Perhaps they’re an expression of what are called samskaras in Vedic thought – ruts or imprints that we’re prone to fall into over and over. The tendency to think and act in a certain way can be difficult to break, even if we know it’s not serving us.
Often these patterns are founded in stories and beliefs in which we have a one-sided view, and the single-sidedness gives them a stronger charge that tends to make them more enduring. Here are some examples:
I am a victim. I mess everything up. I never have enough money. People are selfish. I’m not disciplined enough to live to my potential. Happiness doesn’t last. Life is scary.
Part of why these stories won’t die is because of our inability to see more than one perspective. Often we put ourselves in a certain role, with the opposing role played (usually in our mind) by some adversary, which could be a parent, partner, enemy, God, the whole world, some imagined “lucky person,” or even another aspect of ourselves.
We can get invested in playing the bad guy, the hero, the spiritual one, the rebel, the starving artist, or the martyr. This may cause us to suppress aspects of ourselves that don’t align with this role, which serves to perpetuate the one-sidedness of our position. The exaggerated dynamic it sets up is like sitting at the outermost point on a seesaw; we’re bound to get carried way up and down by our emotions.
Coming from a Chinese Medicine background, I’m inclined to see this condition as an imbalance of yin and yang. It’s a denial of our wholeness and a limitation on our health and power.
Recognizing that we contain both sides of each coin is important and useful work, and it’s a primary theme in many healing modalities. It’s part of the integration of our shadow aspect (a term coined by Carl Jung to describe the parts of ourselves we deny, suppress, or are unconscious of). It’s an essential part of The Work developed by Byron Katie for challenging our thoughts. This process consists of asking questions to determine whether a given thought is true and how you’re affected by believing it, after which you “turn it around” to see how opposing viewpoints are equally true.
For users of our body-centered releasing workbook, Freedom, we recommend taking a charged issue or scenario and, after working on it with your usual position, see what comes up when you “try on” the opposing position. Releasing the pattern from both sides promotes a more complete resolution.
Similarly, Leslie Temple Thurston teaches that when we identify the polarized aspects of our stories and then figure out what their opposites are, we discover that both sides are within us (and our adversaries). This recognition shifts our position from the outermost edge of the seesaw to the center fulcrum – what Temple Thurston calls the neutral witness state – and the story falls apart.
To take this deeper, we can examine the interaction of two sets of opposing charges, which creates four perspectives. Temple Thurston calls this working with “squares.” The mind is rarely in the throes of just one duality. Beyond the charge of the two sides of a story, there is an additional dimension of polarization which is the basic push-pull of attraction and repulsion, also experienced as like/dislike, desire/fear, or attachment/rejection. By examining a pattern through all four sides of these interacting charges, we can achieve an even more complete neutralization.
I’ve depicted the basic format in this graphic. Take one duality, which I refer to as yin and yang here, and cross it with the duality of desire/fear to produce four states. Here I refer to the states as desire for yin, desire for yang, fear of yin, and fear of yang. This will all make more sense when we plug in an example to replace yin and yang here:
We all contain the four aspects shown in this square. Typically there are two that are easy to relate to, while the others may be trickier to access. In this example we’re looking at the qualities of the self that we consider acceptable and openly express (our light) and those we keep hidden (our shadow). When crossed with the duality of attraction/aversion, we get four states. The first two are attraction to our light (upper right) and aversion to our shadow (lower left). These are easy enough to recognize since that’s exactly the dynamic that sets up the light/shadow split in the first place.
Finding the other two qualities in ourselves may require looking a little deeper. At the upper left is attraction to our shadow. This can happen inadvertently as a result of the pressure buildup caused by suppressing it. Our shadow may seem dangerous and forbidden, and we may unleash it to defuse the inner charge of disapproval and rebellion. We may find ourselves expressing it in ways that are painful to us or others, and our regret about doing so may reinforce the urge to suppress it.
It’s important to point out, however, that the parts of ourselves we keep sequestered in the shadows aren’t necessarily socially unacceptable. They may in fact be virtuous qualities that we’re simply uncomfortable with. Attraction to our shadow may also occur in a healthy way as we endeavor to be integrated and self-realized beings, in which case we want to know all that we are and to consciously choose which aspects to express.
The last quadrant, aversion to our light, is what Marianne Williamson is speaking to in her famous quote: “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” Why do we fear our own light? Perhaps we’re afraid of everyone noticing us. Maybe we believe that if we shine, we’ll then do something to let everyone down. If we embrace our light, maybe we believe we’d outshine others. Possibly we don’t believe our light is even real.
How can we employ this exercise in a useful way? Start by taking a quality you seem to have an obvious desire for or aversion to. For example: desire to be powerful, desire to be happy, desire to be wealthy, fear of being alone, aversion to being sick, aversion to exercise. This quality and its opposite will form the two ends of the horizontal x-axis. Then the vertical y-axis will have desire, attraction, or wanting at the top and aversion, rejection, fear, or repulsion at the bottom. Fill in the four quadrants so that each of the x-axis qualities gets paired with each of the y-axis dynamics.
Then spend some time feeling into each of the four resulting states. Journal about how each state is within you and/or use our book, Freedom, to do a body-centered releasing process on each one. It doesn’t need to take very long, but ideally should be done until you feel a sense of acceptance and a dissipation of the charge associated with the issue. Afterwards, feel into your relationship with the object of this process. What has changed?
I hope this method of inquiry is beneficial to you. Feel free to share about your experience with it in the comments section.
Be well,
Peter
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No matter where you are on your journey, the Dragontree candle collection offers an inspiring tool to help light the way. Our new candles are thoughtfully designed and hand-crafted with intention and quality ingredients.
We. Love. Candles. As owners of spas and teachers of ritual, we go through a LOT of candles. Think of a big number and multiply it by a zillion – that’s how many candles we burn. A day.
There are plenty of things we love about candles, but the central reason we use them is to bring the Fire Element into our space.
From the beginning of recorded time, fire has been a powerful symbol and a central part of our lives. Our relationship to it is embedded deep in our collective consciousness.
Fire’s light and warmth has long been a source of comfort and safety, and has been used to initiate rituals, to carry prayers, to promote transformation, to celebrate our connection with each other, and to remember and honor the light of awareness that unites us and transcends the mundane.
For millennia we tended fires and gazed into flames on a daily basis, which facilitated a gentle meditative state in which we readily let go of our troubles and became realigned. Deprived of that routine, we find ourselves habitually staring at glowing screens instead . . . an inferior replacement that tends to have the opposite effect on us.
The moment we light a candle, it shifts our consciousness. It takes us out of the whirlwind and brings us back into the present moment.
Every detail of our Dragontree candles was painstakingly considered to ensure they’d be inspiring, supportive, and simply the best candles we’ve ever used.
Why they’re so great:
- Made with 100% beeswax
- Higher melting point so they emit the cleanest, brightest flame
- Cleanest burning wax produces no soot or toxic chemicals
- Releases negative ions into the air, helps purify and elevate sacred spaces
- The dense composition of beeswax burns slower and lasts longer than other candles
- Individually hand poured by craftspeople in Cape Cod.
- Presented in a luxurious box with gold foil lettering – perfect for gifting
- Made with natural essential oils for an aromatherapeutic – but never overpowering or perfumy – experience
- Poured in beautiful glass vessels imprinted with an affirmation
- Vessels can be reused as an elegant pen holder, vase, or a hundred other uses
- Ethically and sustainably created
- No dyes, additives, or parabens
- 3"D x 3.5"H
- 8 oz.
- Up to 50 hours burn time
- Made in the USA
Why not paraffin, soy, or palm wax?
Paraffin is a byproduct of the petroleum industry, and burning paraffin candles releases toxic compounds into your living space, including known carcinogens. Soy wax comes from soybeans, 96% of which are genetically modified to tolerate application of the pesticide Roundup. We don’t want to contribute to the soy industry and its ecological impacts. Palm wax comes from palm plantations which require massive-scale deforestation, endangering orangutans and other species, and contributing to climate change. Beeswax, in contrast, requires raising millions of healthy bees, which pollinate our crops and are a vital link in the ecosystem.
You Are Sacred
This elegant and soulful candle comes in a glossy black tumbler that is imprinted with a simple but powerful reminder: You Are Sacred. We know how easy it is for this crazy human ride to make you forget, to make you feel small and powerless. But that’s not who you really are. Remember? You Are Sacred. You are an expression of your Highest Self. You are a conscious creator. You can choose in every moment how to embody this sacredness. Light it daily before meditation, journaling, setting an intention, starting your day, or anytime you need some sacred space to get through a negative experience.
The spicy, earthy notes of Cardamon, Vetiver, and Cedarwood mix with the bright, clear scent of Cypress and Pine, and the addition of Amyris highlights the soft woodsy aroma with the slightest hint of sweetness. This custom scent was blended to foster a calm sense of wellbeing and connect you to the sacred spaces found in nature .
Our You Are Sacred candle makes a thoughtful gift for loved ones to show them you recognize their scaredness and want to be a part of their challenges, healing, and growth.
Be The Light
This bright and joyful candle is hand poured into a reflective white glass vessel and speaks to a powerful choice that is always available: “Be The Light” in noble gold lettering. This simple, yet life-changing statement reminds you there is a light within and your job is to let it shine into the world. Just as one candle can be used to light another, your light – pouring through your heart, your smile, your hands, giving purpose to your every task – sparks the light in others.
Be The Light means not just shining outward, but also inward. In order to be effective beacons in the world, we must not withhold light from any part of ourselves. Being the light means accepting and integrating all that we are. In a world with plenty of darkness, there is no service greater than being an embodiment of light, uplifting those around you and affirming that lightness is their true nature.
The fresh, cleansing fragrance of Sage and Pine blends artfully with soothing notes of Lavender and Vanilla and creates a sensory experience that supports emotional balance, blocks negative energies, and purifies your sacred space.
Brighten someone’s day by gifting them this lovely affirmation. It serves as a daily prompt and lets them know that you recognize their light and are warmed and inspired by knowing them.
Click here to check out our new candles!
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Last week I saw a show by a troop of comedians at a tiny theater in Montana. Though they were talented, I didn’t find myself laughing much at the recurring “battle of the sexes” theme. The men accused the women of being frigid and overly emotional. The women complained that the men need to be mothered and only care about sex. And back and forth it went. Sure, there’s comic relief in sharing about our common issues, but as I sat there seeing men and women cast somewhat bitterly in these one-dimensional ways, I couldn’t help thinking, “Are we really still doing this?”
In my previous article, we looked at the role that attitude plays in the health and sustainability of a relationship. Of course, you can’t make your partner change their attitude, but it’s worth fully exploiting the potential of your own attitude before concluding that the relationship isn’t going to work. One way to be responsible for your attitude is by abstaining from relating your partner as a stereotype.
I believe almost everyone does this to an extent. It’s difficult to banish from our minds the ideas we have about men, women, and humans in general. Even if your partner isn’t a typical male or female, your conditioning can cause you to relate to them based on ideas and experiences from the past. And even when you relate to someone simply based on your ideas about that specific person – rather than whoever they are in this very moment – this may still serve as an impediment to authentic connection.
Practice presence with them. It’s good to start with a relatively casual conversation. Let both parties be innocent – try to enter the conversation without judgment, expectations, or lenses. Who knows what might happen and how you might see the other person if you were to enter the exchange with absolute freshness.
See if you can internally choose when to talk and when to listen. When it’s your turn to listen, don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Just listen. Listen with your ears and eyes and heart. Breathe slowly and fully.
What else is involved in “your work”? Here are some examples:
To the extent that you actively work to resolve past experiences (especially traumatic ones) that infringe on your current ability to show up “cleanly” with your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you work to deactivate your “buttons” which cause you to make you react disproportionately to relatively benign behaviors by your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to show up in your relationship with as much presence and enthusiasm as you can muster, you will benefit.
To the extent that you take responsibility for your baggage, attitude, communication, and interpretations, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to remember and honor your commitment (assuming, of course, that neither party is getting hurt by remaining together), you will benefit.
All these benefits are yours whether or not the relationship survives, and the chances of its survival are so much greater when you’re an active and responsible participant in the above ways. Further, if you’re not in a relationship but want to be, doing your work will make for a healthier relationship when the time comes, and it will also support you to make better choices of who to invite into your life. If you’re not in a romantic relationship and don’t care to be, this work will serve you in all your other relationships, including the one with yourself.
Be well,
Peter
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Thank you Briana
Xo
Rhodella
You’re welcome Rhodella
Wonderful empowearing peaceful words.
Thank you.
Thank you Valerie
You are using beads similar to a rosary. What are they and how are you using? I am intrigued by your dream book. I can’t wait to order but waiting to see if you come out with a spiral bound book.
Thank you in advance for your response.
Hi Mimi! I’m using mala beads, they are used to count 108 mantras (prayers).
I think you’ll love the Dreambook. We aren’t planning to make it spiral bound, but are planning to offer a disc bound case so people can use it if they purchase the pdf and get it printed 🙂
Warmly,
Briana
I love the idea of a disc bound case. I ordered the Dreambook in PDF and have printed and punched it for a 3-ring binder which works pretty well, but I definitely would consider a disc-bound case since that seems to lie flatter.