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[post_content] => January first may be a somewhat arbitrary date to divide the chapters of our lives, but there’s something to be said for joining the momentum of the mass consciousness focused on bettering ourselves. Sure, you can make new habits anytime, but there aren’t always millions of other people doing it at the same time.
That said, clearly the group trajectory isn’t enough to ensure your success. Plenty of people make and break resolutions every year, and while a few weeks (or days, as the case may be) of a healthy new habit is better than nothing, there’s also the toll of broken self-trust to consider.
If you’re going to make an agreement with yourself, it’s best to choose terms that you can fulfill, because a lack of self-trust is a serious impediment. You may think, “It just means I changed my mind about exercise and cookies,” but it has broader consequences in the bigger picture of your ability to choose and create the life you desire.
What I’m saying is, don’t do it unless you’re serious about it. And even if you are serious, I still recommend committing to just one thing. I know, I know, you can do lots of things. But I’m saying, just do one thing not only because it’s harder to keep multiple resolutions than it is to keep a single one, but also because it means that your focus and power won’t be divided (any more than they already are). Take on one thing and give all the “resolution energy” you’ve got to that one thing. Later you can add another thing.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m lowering the bar for you. I think people are capable of greatness far beyond their imagined limitations. But imagined limitations become actual limitations when we believe in them. In subtle ways we tend to sabotage ourselves, and one of the most effective forms of self-sabotage is crappy focus. We often simply don’t hold our attention on something for long enough to see it through.
Yes, there are some organic causes of impaired mental focus, but just because someone gets more done when they take an ADD drug (i.e., amphetamine), doesn’t prove that the cause was biological. In an age when we’re bombarded with a constant stream of data through multiple devices, an age with more options for distraction than ever before, we may be regularly making subconscious choices that reinforce a short attention span. Regardless of the cause, we can all improve our ability to focus simply by practicing it.
Let’s try a little exercise. It will only take one minute. Choose something small and natural in your environment to gaze at, like a candle flame, a leaf, a piece of food, or one of the lines on your palm. You’re going to spend just 60 seconds looking at it without taking your eyes or mind off it, and without thinking and mentally “talking” to yourself about what you’re looking at or anything else. Try it now, then come back.
How did it go? Were you able to do it for the whole minute? What did you notice? Was it squirmy? Was it relaxing? When I do this, I notice my breathing slows down significantly and I feel grounded. This shift may be partly due to looking at whatever I’m looking at, but I think the main reason it feels peaceful is because it’s a break from continuous mental chatter and shifting focus.
Back to resolutions, I encourage you to choose a single thing to commit to. Write down what exactly it means so that you’re clear about how to stay in the spirit of this commitment. Choose a time frame for the commitment; don’t make it open-ended because that implies forever. If you have a hard time with follow-through, you might want to start with a very short time frame, like one day. You can always re-up your commitment at the end of the period you choose.
Ensure that you don’t forget it by writing it down, setting reminder alarms for yourself, finding a partner to do this with, renting out billboard space along your commute . . . whatever it takes. Finally, as part of your commitment practice, set aside just 60 seconds every morning to sit and focus on the commitment, visualizing yourself embodying it.
Let us know how it goes.
Be well,
Peter
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[post_content] => After two years of studying plant and soil sciences, my favorite professor, Dr. Barker, offered me a job on the University of Massachusetts farm. Whereas my previous jobs had been things like bagging groceries and washing dishes, this was the first time I was getting paid to do something I was interested in, and under the supervision of someone I looked up to.
I was nervous when I showed up at Bowditch Hall on my first day. Dr. Barker, a white-haired man with a country drawl, introduced me to his assistant, Kathy. Then he handed me the keys to a faded old, blue truck and asked me, “Ever driven a three-on-the-tree?” I had never driven any kind of truck before, much less one with the gearshift on the steering column, but I learned quickly as I drove the three of us – with lots of jerking and stalling – out to the farm.
Standing at the edge of a freshly plowed field, Dr. Barker explained that we were going to use stakes and twine to mark out rows for planting seeds. Kathy and I got to work while he watched. The only trouble was, while I had stakes, a mallet, and a ball of twine, I didn’t have anything to cut the twine with. I thought maybe I had spaced out when someone explained where to find a knife or scissors. Or maybe the professor had told me to bring my own knife and I had forgotten. I was too uncomfortable to say anything.
Wondering if there was some way I could proceed with my task without a cutting tool, I pounded the first stake into the ground. I tied one end of the twine around it, walked the length of the field, pounded in another stake, wrapped the twine around that stake, pulled it taut, and then I just squatted there for a few moments. I considered trying to gnaw through it with my teeth, but dismissed the idea as totally unprofessional. Finally, at the risk of appearing unprepared, I called out to Kathy, who was a dozen paces away, “Do you have a knife?”
“Huh?” she turned around and squinted at me in the bright sun. “Oh.” She ambled over, fished around in her pocket, and passed me a pink disposable lighter.
I interpreted this unexpected response to mean, “I don’t have a knife, but I can see what you need there. You’re going to have to burn through the twine with this. At the ends of every row.” She gave me the lighter in such a matter-of-fact way that I thought it would be too weird to ask for a different explanation.
So, feeling like I didn’t have enough hands, I held the twine straight out from the stake, positioned the flame beneath it, and tried to shield it from the wind with my leg. It blew out a couple times, but I eventually managed to burn through it. Meanwhile Dr. Barker had wandered over to observe me and remarked, “That is the strangest way of doing that I have ever seen.”
“Um. I didn’t have a knife,” I said sheepishly.
“Well, I’ve got a knife you can use.”
“Me too,” offered Kathy.
And that’s how, on the first day of my first important job, I believed I must have convinced my boss that I was an absolute idiot. By the way, if you’re wondering why Kathy handed me that lighter, these were the days when smoking was still quite common. She was a smoker and must have thought I said, “Do you have a light?”
The whole thing turned out to be a good lesson for me. By avoiding an uncomfortable conversation, I ended up in even more discomfort.
I resolved to speak up and break through the tension of misunderstanding in the future. I can’t say I’ve always done this, because it takes bravery, and sometimes I chose to stay in my (dis-)comfort zone. But I can say that I’ve never regretted it. Usually there’s an immediate diffusion of tension, and even when there isn’t, at least the truth is out and there’s an opening for resolution. This is especially true when we bring an attitude of curiosity and aim to understand the other person.
Is there anywhere in your life where you’ve left something unsaid because of your resistance to the discomfort of speaking those words and the feelings that may follow? I want to challenge you to make a communication this week that takes you a bit outside your comfort zone. Even if you have to say, “I’m really nervous about saying this” or you have to hold a friend’s hand while doing it, it’s worth it.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Uncomfortable Conversations: Diffuse the Discomfort by Speaking Up
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[post_content] => In past articles I suggested that while it’s common to think that the essence of commitment is staying together no matter what, this is a pretty superficial interpretation. More meaningful is a commitment to a certain quality of relationship. What’s the value in saying “forever” if you’re not going to make it a wonderful forever?
If you’re in a committed relationship and are interested in improving it, it’s valuable to write about and discuss with your partner the qualities you’re committed to. If you’re not in a relationship but would like be in an ecstatic one, it’s useful to define these qualities beforehand. Below are some ideas to get you started.
Note that when I say “both people” in these examples, of course you can request that your partner agrees, but it’s important to begin with yourself. You and your partner are different people. If you’re fully participating and your partner isn’t on board with everything you’ve requested, let them explain what exactly they are willing to commit to. Then you can decide whether that works for you.
Be patient with them if you’ve never discussed ideas like these before. They may have some learning and catching up to do. Be tactful to help them understand that your interest in leveling-up the relationship doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong.
Kindness – A basic starting point for a mutually beneficial relationship is that both people treat each other (and themselves) with kind words and actions. This includes being flexible, forgiving, and striving to understand. To start, take a single day to be acutely mindful of the kindness – or lack thereof – in your words, thoughts, and behaviors (with regard to your partner). This may help you to recognize the potential breadth of kindness.
Honesty – Honesty means more than not telling lies or keeping secrets. High level honesty in a relationship designed for growth and synergy entails a great deal of self-awareness. You must know what’s actually going on within you in order to be honest with your words and actions. Otherwise there’s dissonance. Dissonance doesn’t feel good. It may cause you to subconsciously blame the other person or resent the relationship, and your partner will likely perceive it as a lack of closeness.
Engagement – It’s natural to have times when we’re wrapped up in our work, family responsibilities, or personal pursuits, with little left to invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand this, though not indefinitely. In order to get the most out of a relationship, both people must routinely (and enthusiastically) invest time, energy, and presence in it. If you’re finding yourself averse to doing so, return to Honesty and figure out what’s actually going on.
Mutuality – It may sound obvious that both people should aim to see and include the other as an equal, conscious being, but it’s exceedingly common to relate to a partner (or anyone else we know) through the internal mental representation we’ve created of them based on past interactions and judgments. In this way, we may treat each other more like objects than vessels of consciousness, light, and love. We may unconsciously regard them as an obstacle, or a thing that serves to give us something or make us happy. (Refer to last week’s article for some direction on authentic relating.)
Maturity – Living in an adult-size body doesn’t have much to do with maturity. Relationships can be great facilitators of growing up (which, by the way, doesn’t mean being serious, rigid, or boring). A commitment to maturity in a relationship might mean that both parties endeavor to show up as responsible adults; doing our best not to let our inner child run us (and being honest about when it is); not blaming the other for our own stuff; not playing parent to our partner; being transparent, brave, and communicative.
Integrity – In a relationship of integrity, we aim to keep our agreements with ourselves and our partner. We are consistent. We are trustworthy. We strive to maintain harmony between who we are and who we say we want to be. Finally, we do these things not out of a feeling of obligation but with a spirit of rising to the occasion.
I hope this article has given you some ideas of the sorts of qualities you wish to commit to in current or future relationships. I can barely imagine the great ways the world would change if we all made such conscious commitments.
Be well,
Peter
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[post_content] => January first may be a somewhat arbitrary date to divide the chapters of our lives, but there’s something to be said for joining the momentum of the mass consciousness focused on bettering ourselves. Sure, you can make new habits anytime, but there aren’t always millions of other people doing it at the same time.
That said, clearly the group trajectory isn’t enough to ensure your success. Plenty of people make and break resolutions every year, and while a few weeks (or days, as the case may be) of a healthy new habit is better than nothing, there’s also the toll of broken self-trust to consider.
If you’re going to make an agreement with yourself, it’s best to choose terms that you can fulfill, because a lack of self-trust is a serious impediment. You may think, “It just means I changed my mind about exercise and cookies,” but it has broader consequences in the bigger picture of your ability to choose and create the life you desire.
What I’m saying is, don’t do it unless you’re serious about it. And even if you are serious, I still recommend committing to just one thing. I know, I know, you can do lots of things. But I’m saying, just do one thing not only because it’s harder to keep multiple resolutions than it is to keep a single one, but also because it means that your focus and power won’t be divided (any more than they already are). Take on one thing and give all the “resolution energy” you’ve got to that one thing. Later you can add another thing.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m lowering the bar for you. I think people are capable of greatness far beyond their imagined limitations. But imagined limitations become actual limitations when we believe in them. In subtle ways we tend to sabotage ourselves, and one of the most effective forms of self-sabotage is crappy focus. We often simply don’t hold our attention on something for long enough to see it through.
Yes, there are some organic causes of impaired mental focus, but just because someone gets more done when they take an ADD drug (i.e., amphetamine), doesn’t prove that the cause was biological. In an age when we’re bombarded with a constant stream of data through multiple devices, an age with more options for distraction than ever before, we may be regularly making subconscious choices that reinforce a short attention span. Regardless of the cause, we can all improve our ability to focus simply by practicing it.
Let’s try a little exercise. It will only take one minute. Choose something small and natural in your environment to gaze at, like a candle flame, a leaf, a piece of food, or one of the lines on your palm. You’re going to spend just 60 seconds looking at it without taking your eyes or mind off it, and without thinking and mentally “talking” to yourself about what you’re looking at or anything else. Try it now, then come back.
How did it go? Were you able to do it for the whole minute? What did you notice? Was it squirmy? Was it relaxing? When I do this, I notice my breathing slows down significantly and I feel grounded. This shift may be partly due to looking at whatever I’m looking at, but I think the main reason it feels peaceful is because it’s a break from continuous mental chatter and shifting focus.
Back to resolutions, I encourage you to choose a single thing to commit to. Write down what exactly it means so that you’re clear about how to stay in the spirit of this commitment. Choose a time frame for the commitment; don’t make it open-ended because that implies forever. If you have a hard time with follow-through, you might want to start with a very short time frame, like one day. You can always re-up your commitment at the end of the period you choose.
Ensure that you don’t forget it by writing it down, setting reminder alarms for yourself, finding a partner to do this with, renting out billboard space along your commute . . . whatever it takes. Finally, as part of your commitment practice, set aside just 60 seconds every morning to sit and focus on the commitment, visualizing yourself embodying it.
Let us know how it goes.
Be well,
Peter
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I’ve already purchased my 2019 Dreambook and Planner… and I’ve put the dates and times on my calendar … how do I join you? This is my first year with a Dreambook and I’m looking forward to getting started.
Thank you,
Lisa
Hi Lisa, We’ll send you an invite during the first couple days of November. So excited to have you join us!
Can’t wait to participate in the #nodreambookgaterhingdust sessions!
LOVE
Hi
What if we’ve already purchased a Dreambook & planner? How do we sign up for the community class?
thanks!
You’ll recieve an invitation in you email during the first few days of November <3
I am super excited about this. Id also love if I could find an accountability partner. I always SAY I’m going to do my planning then put it off. . .but when I do it consistently, I create momentum & my life gets better. . .quickly.
Yay! Can’t wait to do this work with you.
If I’m still sitting on mine from last year, can I join you? I’d love a kick start! It’s the getting started that is hard, I think
Please do join us, Lisa!We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
What about those of us who bought a planner this time last year, and haven’t opened it yet? We deserve some support, too. I hope you’ll reach out to others and not just use this as a way to entice more people to purchase the Dreambook.
Of course you can join us, Mer! Not at all! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
By the way… did you join the facebook group and do Dreaming and and Planning Together last year? It was so good (and the replays are still available in the group!)
I bought last year’s version when it went on sale, can I use that one for these exercises?
Yes, Katie! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I have my 2019 Dream PLanner
LOVE
I bought a Dreambook last year and didn’t put a mark in it. Life hit me upside the head and my book gathered dust. I recently bought stickers to date it properly and look forward to beginning a new year. Will I buy your new version… No just because I’m lefthanded and can’t stand wire bounds. Will you ever allow friends like me who didn’t use theirs into your group? If so I will happily sign up and participate!
Blessings,
Nancy
Of course you can join us, Nancy! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
Hi Brianna, I purchased a Dreambook last year, and literally just blew the dust off of it as I read this. I was so excited to get started, and then I got so overwhelmed and somewhat discouraged as the days and months passed without a single word written in the book. I’m wondering if I could participate in this group and workshop based on my previous purchase, since I really don’t need another book. I would very much love to get started, but sadly I don’t seem to have the determination on my own. If I need to purchase something else in order to participate, please let me know. Thanks and Peace
You can join us, Kelly! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I bought the pdf because I have a 100% track record of not following through. But…my brother was killed in an accident this year so I have a different motivation now. This is my first Dreambook so please invite me to the workshops. I need to succed. I also just received the Rituals for Transformation book.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Marsha.
We’ll send out the invitation during the first couple of days in November. I do so hope you’ll join us.
Must you purchase a 2019 copy of the Dreambook in order to participate in the workshops in November? I bought a copy a couple of years ago and have never used it. It would be great to get a kickstart with the workshops but I hesitate to purchase a new one now.
Not at all! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I purchased the dream book at your store in PDX
Yay Joanna <3 - I'll share a link here in the next couple of days so that people who purchased in store can join us!
I never finished the 1st half of my non dated dreambook for 2018
Its never too late <3
I have yet to receive my invitation to join the 2019 group #nodreambookgatheringdust. I purchased my book and have it in hand. Can you add me to the participation list please?
Hi Amy! I’m so glad your joining us! We’ll be sending out the invitations during the first couple of days of November. Keep an eye out for yours!
I just received my Dreambook and planner. Joined the FB page.
Looking forward to doing the hard work to make changes in my life.
LOVE
Hello!
Would love to join these workshops please! I am a customer!
Best,
Donna Motta
Yay Donna! We’ll be sending out your invitation during the first couple of days of November! <3
I have my 2019 Dreambook+Planner
Love love love
I bought the undated version Dec 2016 and have only worked through a small portion. Do I have to buy the dated version to participate in your workshops?
Not at all! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I bought my dream book planner at your store in Portland, can I attend these online chats to help get the process flowing?
Yes love! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book in store during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
I recently bought the 2018 Dreambook and Planner. I would love to join the workshop.
Yay, Rhonda! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promotion during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
In the spirit of you post, I want to share that I bought an undated Dreambook + Planner in 2017 but I was in my final year of graduate school and didn’t have a chance to use it. I’ve since dusted it off and started doing work in the Dreambook. It feels vulnerable to do this kind of dreaming and goal setting. Any chance I could get the support you are offering to people buying a new book? I feel like once I get past some anxiety about it, it will a valuable tool for me personally and professionally.
Liz, Yes! Yes! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promition during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join. <3
Thanks for doing this. I will have to listen to the replays, but am excited to be doing this as a group.
Yay, Nancy! <3
I recently bought Rituals For Living Dreambook in the last month before the 2019 was available and I’d like to have access to these webinars… thank you.
Jennifer Brooks
You’re in Jennifer! We’ll send you an invitation during the first couple of dayd of November!
Hello-
I already ordered two new dreambooks- one for myself and one for my husband. We have received them here. I keep receiving emails saying those who get one will be invited to the live planning events- but those emails also ask me to buy a dreambook. I already have! But I have yet to receive any invites or links for us to join the online community. Are those yet to be sent out?
Hi Sarah! We’ll send out information about how to participate during the first few days of November. <3
I have a 3rd Edition 2016 Dreambook and Planner that I never used and has been gathering dust for two years. Seeing your ads on Facebook, I am inspired to pick it up again. Part of the reason I never got going with it was that I just felt overwhelmed. I’d love to take part in your Dreaming and Planning sessions. Will the sessions be available to folks who made past purchases of the book?
Yes! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promition during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
If I have a dreambook that I haven’t used yet, can I still join?
Yes! We’re going to post a signup form for people who who purchased a book prior to this promition during the next couple of days. I’ll share a link in the comments here letting everyone know how to join.
Hi Briana! You indicated that there would be a link available to the workshops for people who had ordered a dreambook in previous years (and that if you couldn’t participate live they would be made available for replay), but I don’t see this anywhere in the posts. I would LOVE to catch up on the workshops so that I can get going with my planner, so any assistance you could provide would be most welcome. Thank you!
Good morning, Briana –
I recently ordered and received the 2019 Dreambook kit. In the description, it lists that A copy of Freedom: A Simple Ritual For Letting Go would be included. My order did not have this item. My order number was #34102233. Please let me know about this missing item.
Also, I’m super excited to be a part of the #nodreambookgatheringdust in November. I received an email about it but am a little confused on how to sign up. Please include me on the list for this training.
Thank you for your time. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Thanks Renee! We’ll send out information about how to participate during the first few days of November. <3
Hey there! I purchased an undated Dreambook for my birthday. I hope I will be included in this: “For anyone who buys a Dreambook (of any kind) from us before November 1st – you’ll automatically be sent an invitation to join me for a series of hangouts/workshops where we’ll dive into your dreams and plans and get them on “the books” as it were.” Thanks! Kris Also thanks for the bath samples!
Yes! You’re in. We’ll send out your invite during the first few days of November.
Hi! I ordered the new dreambook and it has arrived! I did not receive a following email for the workshops. How can I receive the invite?
Thank you!
Hey Lynette, we’ll be sending out an invite to everyone who bought the book during the first few days of november <3
I am not sure I received my invite. My email is doing weird things! I have some invites for other workshops.