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If you’ve ever done something reactionary, without thinking it through, there was a certain element that spurred you to act even though you might not have been aware of it. If you have an addiction, or simply find yourself repeating a behavior even while knowing it isn’t good for you, this element is there as well. It’s also there when you procrastinate. And when you avoid certain people. And when you dodge uncomfortable conversations. And it inevitably plays a central role in every case of anxiety or depression.
The element I’m speaking of is feelings. And although it might sound obvious to say, “Feelings play a central role in unhappiness,” I believe that most unhappy people rarely have an intentional meeting with those feelings. Whether recognized or not, their presence moves us to act – and to avoid acting. They dramatically alter our experience of life and our perspective of the ourselves and the world.
Rather than labeling them as good or bad, I think it’s more meaningful to look at how much freedom do you have in your relationship with a given feeling?
I often ask people about their feelings, especially when the feelings seem to be in control. Specifically, I inquire about the physical experience they’re having. Frequently they report that they can’t perceive anything. Despite the fact that there’s a feeling that’s strong enough to prompt them to, say, gobble up a bag of candy faster than they can stop themselves, the felt sense of that feeling can be hard to pin down. I guarantee it’s there though, and exploring it is likely to help unravel this behavior pattern.
We’re not apt to address our unpleasant feelings directly because, well, they’re unpleasant. Maybe we believe that willingly experiencing them would be more unpleasant than distracting ourselves from them or blocking them out. Furthermore, we learn early that other people disapprove of our anger and fear, and usually there’s no wise guidance for managing these feelings. So we develop the skill of stuffing them or becoming numb. When we look at trends in violence, it’s clear that boys, in particular, are expected to learn this skill and that it often fails miserably.
Actually it fails for everyone, eventually. Not acknowledging our feelings doesn’t neutralize them. It makes them toxic.
I know that an exploration of your negative emotions, many of them associated with traumatic events, doesn’t sound like a good time. It’s work. Perhaps even painful work. But it’s supremely worthwhile work. It’s like digging out a deep splinter. You know it’s not good to let it fester in there, and maybe it’s gotten so tender and swollen that you can’t get it all at once. However, there’s a certain strength that comes from knowing you’re finally doing what needs to be done. And it doesn’t have to be a grim process; you’re not going to be less effective by bringing humor, gentleness, and self-love to this work.
You will probably discover at times that your feelings are more complicated than you thought. Dr. Les Greenberg, the main developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, explains that we have primary emotions and secondary emotions. Our primary emotions arise in the instant that an unpleasant thought or experience occurs, and they usually make us feel vulnerable or exposed. Thus, they’re often quickly and powerfully veiled by a secondary emotion (like anger, indignation, resentment, etc.) that feels less vulnerable. Greenberg describes primary emotions as “less rapid and less action-oriented” than secondary emotions. He says if we only address our secondary or surface emotions, the primary emotion remains and is likely to trigger new secondary emotions in future conflicts. With a spirit of curiosity and trust, you can go deep and get acquainted with these neglected parts of your shadow-self, bringing them into the light.
While reading the beginning of this article, perhaps you thought, “But these are all cases of being moved by negative feelings. What about positive feelings? Aren’t they one of the best parts of life? Can they run us, too?” Yes, they are one of the best parts of life. And no, they can’t run us in the same way. I have to choose my words carefully on this topic, because it’s easy to start thinking of certain emotions as good and others as bad, some as desirable and others as undesirable, and the truth is more nuanced than that. Again, what’s most important is how we relate to our emotions.
In most basic terms, negative emotions are a message that some form of conflict, resistance, or discord is occurring, and positive emotions indicate an experience of alignment, accord, or harmony. I know that sounds like good and bad, but how about we look at it this way: the Low Oil light on your dashboard indicates the potential for imminent friction and damage to your engine. Does that make the Low Oil light a bad thing? Would you prefer to put a piece of tape over it so you don’t have to see it? Auto makers would argue that this light, the equivalent of a negative emotion, is a very good thing as long as we respond to it appropriately.
It’s kind of like the Hot/Cold game, where someone tells you you’re getting closer to some treat by saying “warmer” (i.e., a positive emotion) or further away from it by saying “colder” (i.e., a negative emotion). Hot and Cold stand to be equally useful. But imagine how the game would go if, upon hearing the other player say, “colder,” you just shut down. Or you said, “I can’t do anything right!” Or, “Why do you always have to attack everything I do?!” When we behave this way in the presence of negative emotions, the whole game ends. But when we remain open, the prize is our freedom – even if it takes years to find that treat.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
P.S. I don’t mean to confuse the issue, but I feel it’s worthwhile to share a few words of non-dual perspective on the subject (garnered from several spiritual traditions). Within this dualistic world, it makes perfect sense to treat negative and positive emotions as two sides of the same coin. Or as two sides of the same mountain – the light side and the shadow side. Neither is more valid or real than the other.
But as we begin to have experiences of expanded consciousness – an awareness that transcends our everyday consciousness – positive and negative feelings may take on new meaning. If we define positive feelings as those that offer greater freedom, deeper peace, union with truth and love, these are (as I see it) an indication of alignment with our Highest Self (or God, or our Authentic Self, or Dao, or Buddha, or whatever other term you like).
The non-dual perspective is that there is no opposite to this state. That is, this (love/truth) is reality, and the negative feelings and suffering that so define the human experience emerge from our immersion in an illusion, a state of forgetfulness in which love is conditional, anything of value is bound to be lost, and we must out-compete each other for happiness. Therefore, as we expand beyond our ego-dominated awareness, negative emotions may be seen as indicators that we’ve become re-immersed in the illusion, or that our ego is attempting to regain control over our consciousness. And positive feelings (as defined above) show us that we’re in the flow, that we’re expanding, or that we’re choosing love.
While the perspective of Classical Chinese Medicine isn’t non-dual per se, it takes a similar view of classifying negative and positive emotions as fundamentally different things. The five basic “sentiments” – joy, contemplation, wonder, reflection, and vigor – are qualities we’re experience continually when we’re healthy. In contrast, the five primary negative emotions – anger, fear, joylessness (or mania), worry, and grief – are considered to be signs of imbalance. (However, if we’re able to accept and experience them readily, allowing them to move through us without resistance, this is not considered unhealthy. It’s only when they occur in an extreme or prolonged way that they become toxic.)
Finally, while we can be guided almost equally well by Hot and Cold (i.e., indicators that we’re becoming more aligned and less aligned with our truth), ultimately, we can’t be shown the whole way home through expressions of the Cold end of the spectrum (i.e., “you’re going the wrong way!”). Expect to encounter discomfort and difficulty – they don’t mean you’re on the wrong path – but if you make your choices from love rather than fear, you should also expect that increased freedom, peace, love, and joy will light the way for you.
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A year ago, we were preparing to launch a program to train people to be life coaches, and we were feeling a bit like we had bitten off more than we could chew. We had been asked for this – “How can I help others using these methods?” – by many passionate users of our whole-life-wellness books and courses. But we’ve been at it for 20 years, and figuring out how to convey what we’ve learned turned out to be a monumental task. And because it was the first run of the program, we had to wonder if it would even “work.” Would participants come out of it with the ability to wisely and lovingly guide others? We hoped so.
In the process of creating the course, there was a point at which Peter started to write synopses of all the major schools of thought in psychology, and then we realized that was the wrong direction. For one, it would take a four-year college curriculum (at least) to teach people to think their way through other people’s problems. But the more we talked and meditated on it, the clearer it became that what makes us good at what we do isn’t that our minds are full of theories.
If we had to narrow it down to two things, we’d say what makes a person a useful guide is: 1) They’re continuing to do their own work, and 2) They understand how to hold space for others.
By “doing their own work,” we mean that a person is continually engaged in their growth and expansion. They have a sincere will to heal their wounds, to understand themselves and others, to respond consciously instead of reacting unconsciously, to broaden their perspective, to recognize their purpose and potential … in short, to be their most authentic selves.
By “holding space” for others, we mean that they’re able to establish a therapeutic container in which another can safely unravel their problems and discover their own answers. When we hold the space, we’re maintaining a steady focus on the process that’s occurring in the moment. We don’t wander away in our mind. We don’t anxiously search our archives for snippets of sage advice we read in books. We don’t fill the space with our own needs or stuff. We hold it open, we see the other person’s light, and we trust.
So, while writing Cliff’s Notes on Jung and Freud and Rogers might have taken some time, at least we could have looked them up in Wikipedia. But guiding people through the process of doing their work (we call this Sacred Expansion) and finding ways to teach them to hold space turned out to be a lot harder.
Luckily, it worked!
We can barely put words to how gratifying and awe-inspiring it has been to see the growth and grace of our students. It turns out that if you do your work and are committed to serving, you can help others release their baggage, discover their strengths, and see their problems differently! Our coaches’ clients have had incredible breakthroughs. They’ve gotten their dream jobs, they’ve healed their relationships, they’ve become healthy, and they’ve achieved goals that eluded them for years.
The coaches are discovering that they don’t have to have all the answers. They must simply be able to show up, hold space, and be a loving partner to their clients. In the process, their own lives are changing, too. Their relationships, their communication skills, their ability to manage stress – all these areas improve because in the end, the work they do to serve others is inseparable from their own life work.
We feel truly privileged to witness the devotion, the power, and the light of our participants. And a huge added bonus is that all the profits from this program go to a charity we established, called The Well Life Foundation, which is dedicated to supporting community projects that benefit women where and when they need it.
The Dragontree Life Coach program will be opening for enrollment again soon, and we couldn't be more excited. This training has shown us just how many good people out there want to be of service to their species and planet. We look forward to meeting more of you.
Be well,
Peter and Briana
[post_title] => The Sacred Expansion Continues
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I was recently geeking out with the Google Ngram tool. You enter a word and it produces a graph showing the prevalence of the word in print over the past few hundred years. Many of the words that have recently spiked in popularity represent modern innovations that simply didn’t exist before, such as miniskirt, internet, and skateboard. But others have been around for perhaps centuries, only they just caught on due to a change in our standards or awareness.
Plotting the word condom, for instance, I found that even though it was coined in the early 1700s, it was barely used until the mid-1980s, when it suddenly took off – which happened to coincide with the soaring prevalence of a new term: HIV. Another late bloomer was stress, which was coined around 1300, but remained almost nonexistent until about 1930, when it began a steady climb upward. Before then, it was mostly used in a mechanical sense, to describe the force exerted by one thing upon another. But this new usage came about through a growing understanding that it is very much a biological reality as well.
For several reasons, it’s a really good thing that we’re learning this. First, it’s important that we recognize that stress is a factor in virtually all illness. It contributes to our susceptibility to disease and it hinders our recovery. Whereas certain other factors, like genetics, are out of our control, this one is something we can modify.
Second, understanding how stress works has expanded our sense of connection to our environment. Health isn’t guaranteed simply by taking our vitamins. We’re increasingly aware of how much we’re affected by the people, politics, and pollution we invite into our lives – both for better and worse.
Third, our recognition of the workings of stress has contributed to a wider acceptance of the body-mind connection and a willingness to examine our thoughts and emotions. While medical science has in many ways contributed to a reductive or “small picture” view of health, research into stress has provided valuable contrast to this trend, pushing us to broaden our perspective.
A big reason for the increased prevalence of the word stress in the second half of the 20th century was the work of a scientist named Hans Selye. Selye explained stress as any force that threatens our homeostasis – our fundamental state of balance and stability. It doesn’t matter whether we’re worried about it or not; if a condition demands something extra from us, it acts as a stressor. Stressors include environmental factors like weather (cold, heat, dryness, etc.), noise, pollution, and radiation; psycho-social factors like finances, relationships, school and work performance; physiological factors like aging, illness, trauma, sleep deprivation, and nutritional deficiency; and biological invaders such as viruses, bacteria, fungi, and parasites.
Selye developed a model for explaining the impact of stress on us over time, called the General Adaptation Syndrome. It consists of three phases. When we are first exposed to a new stressor, we enter the alarm phase. Distress signals activate survival mechanisms. The reasoning part of the brain relinquishes control to the animalistic “fight or flight” response as our best bet for not dying.
Next, if the stress persists, we move into the resistance phase. Our system attempts to adapt to the stressor since it’s not going away. We may need to raise blood pressure, change metabolic rate, shift resources toward certain organs and away from others, etc. In this phase, we may appear to be successfully managing the stressor, but it’s a very demanding state to maintain.
Finally, if we don’t succeed at eliminating the stressor and returning to homeostasis, we eventually move into the third phase: exhaustion. Selye stated that we have a limited amount of “adaptation energy” and we simply can’t maintain aroused stress mechanisms indefinitely. When these mechanisms give out, we’re left depleted and out of balance. In this state, we may experience depression, anxiety, poor immune function, fatigue, insomnia, pain, poor concentration, skin problems, digestive upset, or other symptoms.
Many of us are frequently or perpetually in some phase of this syndrome, and it degrades our quality of life. When we find ourselves always craving stimulants, like caffeine, sugar, and media, it may be because we’ve taxed our adaptation resources.
Rest assured, there’s much that can be done to favorably intervene in this cycle. I’ll discuss this in detail in my next article. But let me leave you with this: while there are supplements and procedures that can relax us and restore our energy, the most valuable interventions are ones that target our perception. Selye said, “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one,” and I believe that we can often go even further, converting a negative stress into a non-stress.
Next time a potentially stressful situation arises, try taking a step back in your mind, and tell yourself, “It’s not worth getting stressed about this and dumping unnecessary energy into it. I choose to conserve my energy and to find the path of least resistance to managing this.” We can be light or heavy about whatever comes up – the choice is always available.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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If you’ve ever done something reactionary, without thinking it through, there was a certain element that spurred you to act even though you might not have been aware of it. If you have an addiction, or simply find yourself repeating a behavior even while knowing it isn’t good for you, this element is there as well. It’s also there when you procrastinate. And when you avoid certain people. And when you dodge uncomfortable conversations. And it inevitably plays a central role in every case of anxiety or depression.
The element I’m speaking of is feelings. And although it might sound obvious to say, “Feelings play a central role in unhappiness,” I believe that most unhappy people rarely have an intentional meeting with those feelings. Whether recognized or not, their presence moves us to act – and to avoid acting. They dramatically alter our experience of life and our perspective of the ourselves and the world.
Rather than labeling them as good or bad, I think it’s more meaningful to look at how much freedom do you have in your relationship with a given feeling?
I often ask people about their feelings, especially when the feelings seem to be in control. Specifically, I inquire about the physical experience they’re having. Frequently they report that they can’t perceive anything. Despite the fact that there’s a feeling that’s strong enough to prompt them to, say, gobble up a bag of candy faster than they can stop themselves, the felt sense of that feeling can be hard to pin down. I guarantee it’s there though, and exploring it is likely to help unravel this behavior pattern.
We’re not apt to address our unpleasant feelings directly because, well, they’re unpleasant. Maybe we believe that willingly experiencing them would be more unpleasant than distracting ourselves from them or blocking them out. Furthermore, we learn early that other people disapprove of our anger and fear, and usually there’s no wise guidance for managing these feelings. So we develop the skill of stuffing them or becoming numb. When we look at trends in violence, it’s clear that boys, in particular, are expected to learn this skill and that it often fails miserably.
Actually it fails for everyone, eventually. Not acknowledging our feelings doesn’t neutralize them. It makes them toxic.
I know that an exploration of your negative emotions, many of them associated with traumatic events, doesn’t sound like a good time. It’s work. Perhaps even painful work. But it’s supremely worthwhile work. It’s like digging out a deep splinter. You know it’s not good to let it fester in there, and maybe it’s gotten so tender and swollen that you can’t get it all at once. However, there’s a certain strength that comes from knowing you’re finally doing what needs to be done. And it doesn’t have to be a grim process; you’re not going to be less effective by bringing humor, gentleness, and self-love to this work.
You will probably discover at times that your feelings are more complicated than you thought. Dr. Les Greenberg, the main developer of Emotion-Focused Therapy, explains that we have primary emotions and secondary emotions. Our primary emotions arise in the instant that an unpleasant thought or experience occurs, and they usually make us feel vulnerable or exposed. Thus, they’re often quickly and powerfully veiled by a secondary emotion (like anger, indignation, resentment, etc.) that feels less vulnerable. Greenberg describes primary emotions as “less rapid and less action-oriented” than secondary emotions. He says if we only address our secondary or surface emotions, the primary emotion remains and is likely to trigger new secondary emotions in future conflicts. With a spirit of curiosity and trust, you can go deep and get acquainted with these neglected parts of your shadow-self, bringing them into the light.
While reading the beginning of this article, perhaps you thought, “But these are all cases of being moved by negative feelings. What about positive feelings? Aren’t they one of the best parts of life? Can they run us, too?” Yes, they are one of the best parts of life. And no, they can’t run us in the same way. I have to choose my words carefully on this topic, because it’s easy to start thinking of certain emotions as good and others as bad, some as desirable and others as undesirable, and the truth is more nuanced than that. Again, what’s most important is how we relate to our emotions.
In most basic terms, negative emotions are a message that some form of conflict, resistance, or discord is occurring, and positive emotions indicate an experience of alignment, accord, or harmony. I know that sounds like good and bad, but how about we look at it this way: the Low Oil light on your dashboard indicates the potential for imminent friction and damage to your engine. Does that make the Low Oil light a bad thing? Would you prefer to put a piece of tape over it so you don’t have to see it? Auto makers would argue that this light, the equivalent of a negative emotion, is a very good thing as long as we respond to it appropriately.
It’s kind of like the Hot/Cold game, where someone tells you you’re getting closer to some treat by saying “warmer” (i.e., a positive emotion) or further away from it by saying “colder” (i.e., a negative emotion). Hot and Cold stand to be equally useful. But imagine how the game would go if, upon hearing the other player say, “colder,” you just shut down. Or you said, “I can’t do anything right!” Or, “Why do you always have to attack everything I do?!” When we behave this way in the presence of negative emotions, the whole game ends. But when we remain open, the prize is our freedom – even if it takes years to find that treat.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
P.S. I don’t mean to confuse the issue, but I feel it’s worthwhile to share a few words of non-dual perspective on the subject (garnered from several spiritual traditions). Within this dualistic world, it makes perfect sense to treat negative and positive emotions as two sides of the same coin. Or as two sides of the same mountain – the light side and the shadow side. Neither is more valid or real than the other.
But as we begin to have experiences of expanded consciousness – an awareness that transcends our everyday consciousness – positive and negative feelings may take on new meaning. If we define positive feelings as those that offer greater freedom, deeper peace, union with truth and love, these are (as I see it) an indication of alignment with our Highest Self (or God, or our Authentic Self, or Dao, or Buddha, or whatever other term you like).
The non-dual perspective is that there is no opposite to this state. That is, this (love/truth) is reality, and the negative feelings and suffering that so define the human experience emerge from our immersion in an illusion, a state of forgetfulness in which love is conditional, anything of value is bound to be lost, and we must out-compete each other for happiness. Therefore, as we expand beyond our ego-dominated awareness, negative emotions may be seen as indicators that we’ve become re-immersed in the illusion, or that our ego is attempting to regain control over our consciousness. And positive feelings (as defined above) show us that we’re in the flow, that we’re expanding, or that we’re choosing love.
While the perspective of Classical Chinese Medicine isn’t non-dual per se, it takes a similar view of classifying negative and positive emotions as fundamentally different things. The five basic “sentiments” – joy, contemplation, wonder, reflection, and vigor – are qualities we’re experience continually when we’re healthy. In contrast, the five primary negative emotions – anger, fear, joylessness (or mania), worry, and grief – are considered to be signs of imbalance. (However, if we’re able to accept and experience them readily, allowing them to move through us without resistance, this is not considered unhealthy. It’s only when they occur in an extreme or prolonged way that they become toxic.)
Finally, while we can be guided almost equally well by Hot and Cold (i.e., indicators that we’re becoming more aligned and less aligned with our truth), ultimately, we can’t be shown the whole way home through expressions of the Cold end of the spectrum (i.e., “you’re going the wrong way!”). Expect to encounter discomfort and difficulty – they don’t mean you’re on the wrong path – but if you make your choices from love rather than fear, you should also expect that increased freedom, peace, love, and joy will light the way for you.
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Thank You 🙏🏻 💜
You’re welcome!
This article came on the same day I got together with my best friend. We haven’t talked in a while. Life gets in the way. I am truly embarking on a short trip next week that addresses everything you just wrote about. My friend commented that I prefer trees over the ocean. I have always been rejuvenated after being in the forest. For her, it’s the ocean.
I have the Rituals of Transformation, I haven’t started yet.. life you know. Will the new additions be available for previous purchases?? Downloads or inserts?
Thanks for sharing, Amanda. Have a great trip!
As for the revisions, the bulk of it is corrections and minor clarifications to the wording, and because they’re scattered throughout the text, it would be difficult to supply owners of the previous version with a download that will point out each of the words we changed. But we didn’t replace any lessons entirely – the substance of the text remains about 95% the same.
Be well.
When is it coming out .. your books make the best gifts❤️