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Early in my practice, people told me I should choose one area of medicine to specialize in, but I was resistant to it because of the lack of variety. Also, it seemed that the natural specialization for me would be pain since I have a knack for treating it, and that sounded, well, kind of boring.
But I gradually began focusing in that direction, and over the years my understanding of pain broadened. I became interested in the whole human experience of suffering, which was like finding a loophole because it’s a pretty vast spectrum.
Suffering is fascinating.
As much as humans hate suffering, we have a curiously complicated relationship with it. We watch movies and read books about it for entertainment. We ache when we see others suffer, but we kind of like the ache. We try it out intentionally (ghost peppers anyone?) and we’re compelled to learn the graphic details of a tragedy just so we can feel it more richly. Often we simultaneously generate it and resist it. And sometimes, we turn it into an incredible, life-changing blessing.
To an extent, it seems that when good outcomes happen after a period of suffering, it's evidence of healthy adaptive mechanisms that help us make the best of a bad situation. But occasionally the suffering appears to be a kind of magic ingredient that provokes an evolution (or a revolution) that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred.
Few people would ask to suffer, but studies show that when they look back on how suffering ultimately facilitated a great favorable change, most say they wouldn’t change anything.
Well, maybe one thing.
If only they could have trusted, they reflect, it could have been a different experience.
On top of the discomfort of suffering we often add an additional dimension of discomfort in the form of resistance (which is often triggered by fear). When the resistance stops – because we just can’t keep it up any longer, or through a conscious choice to trust and relinquish the resistance – this is when something else enters the equation. What do you call it? Grace? Clarity? Insight? And the suffering becomes a portal to a new way of being.
Today, when you encounter some suffering – maybe it will just be a little micro-suffering – what happens if you don’t resist it? What happens when you say, “I choose to trust” and dive into it?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this (in the comments section below). Have you had experience where suffering facilitated something good? What was the pivotal point, when it turned from suffering into grace? Did that change your relationship with suffering? Do you trust more? Why or why not?
Love,
Peter
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CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT OUR NEW 'LEARN HOW TO MASSAGE' COURSE ***
From the beginning, Briana and I agreed that if The Dragontree could be well known for anything, we wanted it to be that our therapists are absolutely top notch. We’ve felt especially qualified in guiding The Dragontree’s massage program, since we have both worked professionally at performing and teaching massage.
Our friends often tease us when one of us has a massage interview planned. “Oh, it must be so hard,” they chide, “having to get massages all the time.” But I assure them, when I’m receiving a massage as a means of evaluating whether to hire someone to represent my business, it’s not usually a relaxing experience. I am constantly evaluating their technique, and I am pretty picky.
We try to check out other spas and get treatments whenever we travel, and, for better or worse, it can be hard to turn off my inner critic (especially when they only give me 50 minutes for my “one hour” massage). When you know how good a massage can be, you’re always hoping that every massage will be that. One year, on my birthday, I was receiving the worst massage of my life, and I actually ended it after fifteen minutes – something I had never done before. The therapist was clearly taken aback when I sat up and said it wasn’t working for me. When he defensively responded that he had plenty of clients who love his work, I realized, most people don’t know what to look for in a good massage. And that’s what I’m going to teach you.
It’s always worth remembering when you have an unsatisfying massage – or any other kind of service – that not every two people are compatible. It could be that the professional – whether a graphic designer, massage therapist, or hair stylist – is skilled at what they do but they just don’t do it to your liking. So, I hope to provide you with some criteria that will make the evaluation process a bit more objective.
I realize that by writing this, I am setting up The Dragontree to meet some very high standards, but I believe I’m also setting up our practitioners for some very big tips. And, I hope that I’m arming you with ways to be constructive about a massage that falls short of your expectations.
Ideally, you can communicate to your therapist during the massage if it isn’t to your liking, and it can be improved on the spot.
If you just like receiving massage, these criteria may help you identify if a particular therapist is right for you or not. If you are an amateur or professional massage therapist, you might find something here to improve your skills. These are, in my opinion, the six most important factors in a good massage.
1. Confident Touch - The first moment a massage therapist lays their hands on a client’s body, something is communicated. When the touch is not confident, the communication is something like, “Hmmm... let’s see... err... maybe this way... no, wait. Oh, I have an idea... uh, maybe not.” As the client, it is difficult to relax and trust the therapist’s skills. When touch is confident (and I don’t mean firm, but something less tangible), the communication is, “I know what I am doing, and I’m here for you.” Confident touch makes us feel like the therapist has a plan. Every touch feels purposeful. This encourages us to relax and open ourselves to the therapist’s therapeutic intention.
2. Continuity of Touch - Every time the therapist removes their hands from the body, there is a disruption in the continuity of sensation and connection. Occasional disengagement from the body is sometimes necessary. But when it happens very frequently, and especially if the therapist’s hands are more off the body than on the body, there is a choppy or jumpy, discontinuous feeling to the massage. It impedes our ability to relax. Conversely, therapists who maintain nearly continuous contact with the body help us stay in a relaxed state.
3. Complete Strokes - When a therapist is working along a natural line on the body, it generally feels best to a client if this line is followed to its completion. There are some techniques that are exceptions to this rule, but when doing long strokes, if a therapist stops short of the natural end point of a stroke, it feels incomplete to the recipient. For instance, if a therapist is performing a stroke down the spine, and they stop a few inches above the base of the spine, or if they working along a limb and they stop before reaching the joint or the end of the limb, it usually doesn’t feel as satisfying as when a therapist continues the stroke to its natural end.
4. Entering the Tissue at the Right Speed and Depth - Some therapists are enthusiastic about getting hard and deep into people’s muscles, but they fail to perceive the body’s unwillingness to let them in. When a therapist tries to go too deep too fast, we tense up and the whole thing becomes counterproductive. When a therapist “listens” well to the body, they enter the tissue at a rate whereby it is able to accept increasing amounts of pressure and depth without tightening up and pushing back. If the body does tighten up, the therapist feels this, backs off, and re-enters more slowly or in another way. If the area continues to be excessively reactive, the good therapist may leave it alone entirely, and work complementary areas instead. This doesn’t mean that good massage must be painless, but at no point should it feel like the therapist is fighting with the client’s body.
5. Sensitivity and Responsiveness – As I alluded to in the previous section, a sensitive therapist is able to perceive how their touch is being received by the client. They also check in verbally from time to time to be sure the client is getting what they want out of the massage. Then, a responsive therapist adjusts their technique to suit the client’s needs. Some therapists with good sensitivity do minimal verbal checking in and still succeed at making appropriate adjustments throughout the massage, but even a seasoned therapist should know that they can fail to read a client’s feelings, so they should always be humble enough to ask.
6. Devoted Presence - A devoted therapist conveys throughout the treatment that the client has their undivided attention. The client never feels that the therapist’s needs are “in the room.” Thus, a devoted therapist rarely starts conversation during a treatment. Some clients like to talk a lot. While there is nothing wrong with this, the therapist who is really devoted to their art recognizes that this may diminish the benefit of the treatment, and they will often gently guide the client back to relaxing and feeling what is going on in their body. Another mark of a devoted therapist is that they are open to receiving criticism, because they want the client to have the best possible experience. That said, when we’re clients, if we really want the best outcome, we’re likely to get it by offering any criticism in a kind way.
In the end, everyone likes something a little different, and there is no single massage therapist who is perfect for everyone. If you ever have a massage experience here at the Dragontree that doesn’t quite meet your expectations, please feel free to talk to us about it. We’d love to hear your input and are eager to find ways for you to have the blissful experience you deserve.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
All rights reserved © 2015 Peter Borten
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Years ago, a woman in her 70s came to see me with a long list of health problems. It seemed there was something wrong with almost every area of her life. As I listened to sound of defeat in her voice as she described the misery she was experiencing, I noticed myself think, “What a mess.” And I realized I was feeling her misery in myself, in my own body.
I also realized I was helping to perpetuate her situation. I know we’re crossing into woo-woo territory here, but hear me out. Built into virtually any longstanding pain or health problem is a secondary factor – one’s resistance to the experience. The resistance can both magnify the issue and cause it to become more firmly anchored in us. And even though she probably wasn’t conscious of it, I was validating that resistance by sending a subtle negative communication: “I resist your problems, too. I’m uncomfortable just imagining what your life is like. And just as you don’t accept this facet of your experience, neither do I.”
At the time I was studying a form of healing called Sat Nam Rasayan which entails the healer entering a meditative state wherein any sense of separation or resistance disappears. As one welcomes all perception, internal and external – thoughts, smells, sounds, feelings, tastes, images, etc. – an experience of equalization occurs. The “quiet” perceptions – a hidden thought, the air moving across one’s skin, a distant scent – come up in volume. And the “loud” perceptions – a prominent thought, a fire engine passing by, a sharp pain, a strongly scented detergent – come down in volume. All things meet in the middle, in an experience of deeply peaceful, neutral oneness, and there, healing happens.
So, when I noticed my resistance to this woman’s story, I relaxed. I accepted all of her and I accepted the feelings that arose in me as she spoke, and all the others in the room, from the sun streaming through the skylight to the ticking of the clock to the feeling of my clothes on my body, plus numerous other smells, thoughts, tastes, and feelings. I allowed it all to equalize into a sort of perceptual flatline, and I experienced a sense of expansion of the space within and around us.
And then she changed.
She stopped talking for a moment, blinked, and took a deep breath. Then her voice had a different, stronger quality to it as she said, “You know, I’m going to get healthy again. Tell me what to do.”
Usually I restrain myself from prescribing a total life overhaul because it’s simply too much for most people to implement at once. And if they dive in and then fail, it may hurt their ability to trust themselves and undermine future efforts toward healthy change. But in this case, I felt daring. I laid out all the things I thought she should change, from diet to sleep to her relationship with her adult children.
Months passed and she didn’t return. I wondered if my treatment didn’t work, or if I pushed her too hard, or if she had died. Hey, sometimes that’s just where your mind goes. Anyway, eventually, I saw her name in the appointment book and I was eager to hear what happened.
It was one of the most dramatic transformations I’ve ever seen in a patient. She was a new woman. Her eyes were clear and sharp, her voice was strong, she sat up straight and looked confident and youthful. I asked her, “Were you able to make any of the changes I recommended?”
“All of them,” she replied.
And that was pretty much that. I saw her a few more times for minor things, but she just didn’t need me. Of course, we can assume that her own actions were instrumental in her healing, but I tell you, everything shifted when I chose to hold her differently.
Since then, I try to avoid mirroring people’s resistance back to them. I feel the angst of their struggle with unwanted experiences and I work to accept the whole individual, allowing their state to equalize into the broader field of my awareness. I can’t say I always succeed at this or that the result is always miraculous when I do. In fact, I’ve found it’s best not to do it for the result. I just do it because there’s no point in resisting. And because I’d rather see people as I believe they really are – not victims of their circumstances, but powerful and perfect, and temporarily confused about who and what they really are.
So, let’s try some more equalization this week. Notice your resistance. Notice others’ resistance. As you perceive it, broaden your perception to include more and more of your total mental and multisensory experience, allowing the field to equalize. Allowing the subtle to come up and the noisy to settle down, everything evening into a still neutrality. Then share your experience here, if you feel like it.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
P.S. If you missed my first article on equalization last week, you can click here to read it.
P.P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about this and other approaches for resolving pain of all kinds, check out my new online course, Live Pain Free.
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Early in my practice, people told me I should choose one area of medicine to specialize in, but I was resistant to it because of the lack of variety. Also, it seemed that the natural specialization for me would be pain since I have a knack for treating it, and that sounded, well, kind of boring.
But I gradually began focusing in that direction, and over the years my understanding of pain broadened. I became interested in the whole human experience of suffering, which was like finding a loophole because it’s a pretty vast spectrum.
Suffering is fascinating.
As much as humans hate suffering, we have a curiously complicated relationship with it. We watch movies and read books about it for entertainment. We ache when we see others suffer, but we kind of like the ache. We try it out intentionally (ghost peppers anyone?) and we’re compelled to learn the graphic details of a tragedy just so we can feel it more richly. Often we simultaneously generate it and resist it. And sometimes, we turn it into an incredible, life-changing blessing.
To an extent, it seems that when good outcomes happen after a period of suffering, it's evidence of healthy adaptive mechanisms that help us make the best of a bad situation. But occasionally the suffering appears to be a kind of magic ingredient that provokes an evolution (or a revolution) that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred.
Few people would ask to suffer, but studies show that when they look back on how suffering ultimately facilitated a great favorable change, most say they wouldn’t change anything.
Well, maybe one thing.
If only they could have trusted, they reflect, it could have been a different experience.
On top of the discomfort of suffering we often add an additional dimension of discomfort in the form of resistance (which is often triggered by fear). When the resistance stops – because we just can’t keep it up any longer, or through a conscious choice to trust and relinquish the resistance – this is when something else enters the equation. What do you call it? Grace? Clarity? Insight? And the suffering becomes a portal to a new way of being.
Today, when you encounter some suffering – maybe it will just be a little micro-suffering – what happens if you don’t resist it? What happens when you say, “I choose to trust” and dive into it?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this (in the comments section below). Have you had experience where suffering facilitated something good? What was the pivotal point, when it turned from suffering into grace? Did that change your relationship with suffering? Do you trust more? Why or why not?
Love,
Peter
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