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[post_content] => Last week I saw a show by a troop of comedians at a tiny theater in Montana. Though they were talented, I didn’t find myself laughing much at the recurring “battle of the sexes” theme. The men accused the women of being frigid and overly emotional. The women complained that the men need to be mothered and only care about sex. And back and forth it went. Sure, there’s comic relief in sharing about our common issues, but as I sat there seeing men and women cast somewhat bitterly in these one-dimensional ways, I couldn’t help thinking, “Are we really still doing this?”
In my previous article, we looked at the role that attitude plays in the health and sustainability of a relationship. Of course, you can’t make your partner change their attitude, but it’s worth fully exploiting the potential of your own attitude before concluding that the relationship isn’t going to work. One way to be responsible for your attitude is by abstaining from relating your partner as a stereotype.
I believe almost everyone does this to an extent. It’s difficult to banish from our minds the ideas we have about men, women, and humans in general. Even if your partner isn’t a typical male or female, your conditioning can cause you to relate to them based on ideas and experiences from the past. And even when you relate to someone simply based on your ideas about that specific person – rather than whoever they are in this very moment – this may still serve as an impediment to authentic connection.
Practice presence with them. It’s good to start with a relatively casual conversation. Let both parties be innocent – try to enter the conversation without judgment, expectations, or lenses. Who knows what might happen and how you might see the other person if you were to enter the exchange with absolute freshness.
See if you can internally choose when to talk and when to listen. When it’s your turn to listen, don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Just listen. Listen with your ears and eyes and heart. Breathe slowly and fully.
What else is involved in “your work”? Here are some examples:
To the extent that you actively work to resolve past experiences (especially traumatic ones) that infringe on your current ability to show up “cleanly” with your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you work to deactivate your “buttons” which cause you to make you react disproportionately to relatively benign behaviors by your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to show up in your relationship with as much presence and enthusiasm as you can muster, you will benefit.
To the extent that you take responsibility for your baggage, attitude, communication, and interpretations, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to remember and honor your commitment (assuming, of course, that neither party is getting hurt by remaining together), you will benefit.
All these benefits are yours whether or not the relationship survives, and the chances of its survival are so much greater when you’re an active and responsible participant in the above ways. Further, if you’re not in a relationship but want to be, doing your work will make for a healthier relationship when the time comes, and it will also support you to make better choices of who to invite into your life. If you’re not in a romantic relationship and don’t care to be, this work will serve you in all your other relationships, including the one with yourself.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Relationship Repair Part Two: Do Your Own Work
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[post_content] => January first may be a somewhat arbitrary date to divide the chapters of our lives, but there’s something to be said for joining the momentum of the mass consciousness focused on bettering ourselves. Sure, you can make new habits anytime, but there aren’t always millions of other people doing it at the same time.
That said, clearly the group trajectory isn’t enough to ensure your success. Plenty of people make and break resolutions every year, and while a few weeks (or days, as the case may be) of a healthy new habit is better than nothing, there’s also the toll of broken self-trust to consider.
If you’re going to make an agreement with yourself, it’s best to choose terms that you can fulfill, because a lack of self-trust is a serious impediment. You may think, “It just means I changed my mind about exercise and cookies,” but it has broader consequences in the bigger picture of your ability to choose and create the life you desire.
What I’m saying is, don’t do it unless you’re serious about it. And even if you are serious, I still recommend committing to just one thing. I know, I know, you can do lots of things. But I’m saying, just do one thing not only because it’s harder to keep multiple resolutions than it is to keep a single one, but also because it means that your focus and power won’t be divided (any more than they already are). Take on one thing and give all the “resolution energy” you’ve got to that one thing. Later you can add another thing.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m lowering the bar for you. I think people are capable of greatness far beyond their imagined limitations. But imagined limitations become actual limitations when we believe in them. In subtle ways we tend to sabotage ourselves, and one of the most effective forms of self-sabotage is crappy focus. We often simply don’t hold our attention on something for long enough to see it through.
Yes, there are some organic causes of impaired mental focus, but just because someone gets more done when they take an ADD drug (i.e., amphetamine), doesn’t prove that the cause was biological. In an age when we’re bombarded with a constant stream of data through multiple devices, an age with more options for distraction than ever before, we may be regularly making subconscious choices that reinforce a short attention span. Regardless of the cause, we can all improve our ability to focus simply by practicing it.
Let’s try a little exercise. It will only take one minute. Choose something small and natural in your environment to gaze at, like a candle flame, a leaf, a piece of food, or one of the lines on your palm. You’re going to spend just 60 seconds looking at it without taking your eyes or mind off it, and without thinking and mentally “talking” to yourself about what you’re looking at or anything else. Try it now, then come back.
How did it go? Were you able to do it for the whole minute? What did you notice? Was it squirmy? Was it relaxing? When I do this, I notice my breathing slows down significantly and I feel grounded. This shift may be partly due to looking at whatever I’m looking at, but I think the main reason it feels peaceful is because it’s a break from continuous mental chatter and shifting focus.
Back to resolutions, I encourage you to choose a single thing to commit to. Write down what exactly it means so that you’re clear about how to stay in the spirit of this commitment. Choose a time frame for the commitment; don’t make it open-ended because that implies forever. If you have a hard time with follow-through, you might want to start with a very short time frame, like one day. You can always re-up your commitment at the end of the period you choose.
Ensure that you don’t forget it by writing it down, setting reminder alarms for yourself, finding a partner to do this with, renting out billboard space along your commute . . . whatever it takes. Finally, as part of your commitment practice, set aside just 60 seconds every morning to sit and focus on the commitment, visualizing yourself embodying it.
Let us know how it goes.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => New Year Resolution
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[post_content] => Imagine you’re brought to a beautiful place where you’ll be meeting a person with whom you’ll share an incredible, lifelong love – a romantic love or a powerful friendship, or both. If such a person already exists or existed in your life, you can use them for this exercise. Whomever it is, know that they completely love and accept you.
The environment is perfect for you – airy or cozy, with a fire or open windows, vases of flowers, your favorite music, and curtains blowing in the breeze. Maybe it’s a garden, or the top of a mountain, or at the fanciest bowling alley in the world.
Try feeling into this. You’re in this lovely space, about to meet someone who makes you feel both strong and at ease. Imagine you’re facing this person and walking toward them. As you do so, consider your posture. Sit up, lift your head, open your heart, carry yourself as if fully welcoming this fun and inspiring partnership. Take a moment to ride this visualization forward. Feel it in your body, let a smile spread across your face as you imagine coming together and hugging or laughing or dancing because you find each other delightful.
Now, come back to your posture. Feel that straight spine, that open chest, that “lifting” energy?
Our posture is an expression of how we’re carrying our lifeforce and meeting the world. How might life be different if you met each situation with the same posture that you’re meeting this beloved person?
Too often, we collapse, clench, or curl in on ourselves as an unconscious reflection of feeling burdened, apprehensive, untrusting, timid, or vulnerable. Consequently, we feel tired, weak, indecisive, and unconfident.
We also use posture to show dominance and submission, and to indicate prowess. But rather than “posturing” like a puffer fish in an arrogant or animalistic way, I’m suggesting we use posture as a conscious embodiment of who we choose to be and how we choose to relate to life.
In a happy moment, our posture often automatically improves, and it also works the other way around. When you carry yourself with a combination of strength and ease, your mood improves, you relate more positively to the world, and the world responds more willingly to you.
What are your values? What are your gifts? What’s your life purpose? If you have our Dreambook, revisit these sections to remind yourself of what’s most important to you and what you have to share with the world. Who do you want to be?
How do you want to relate to life? With kindness? Openness? Trust? As if it’s an incredible game? As an opportunity to experience a splendiferous palette of flavors, sights, and experiences?
Write a bit about who you choose to be and how to choose to relate to life. Now imagine embodying these intentions and surrender to how your body wishes to reconfigure itself in order to be a cleaner, more accurate and aligned vehicle for this spirit. Throughout the day, bring yourself back to this intention and take just a moment to again reconfigure your body to express this attitude toward life.
Notice how this reconfiguration process changes over time. Sometimes it may be a gross adjustment – your head lifts, your ears come in alignment with your shoulders, your shoulders drop and draw back, your chest opens, your belly relaxes, your jaw unclenches, your breathing deepens. Other times, you may experience it as a subtle unraveling of inner constraint, or as a ripple that emanates through you, bringing all your parts into harmony.
The hardest part is simply remembering to do it.
I’d love to hear what you notice about the positive in negative ways your posture affects you. Feel free to share in the comments section below.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => How You Hold Yourself Can Change Everything
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[post_content] => Last week I saw a show by a troop of comedians at a tiny theater in Montana. Though they were talented, I didn’t find myself laughing much at the recurring “battle of the sexes” theme. The men accused the women of being frigid and overly emotional. The women complained that the men need to be mothered and only care about sex. And back and forth it went. Sure, there’s comic relief in sharing about our common issues, but as I sat there seeing men and women cast somewhat bitterly in these one-dimensional ways, I couldn’t help thinking, “Are we really still doing this?”
In my previous article, we looked at the role that attitude plays in the health and sustainability of a relationship. Of course, you can’t make your partner change their attitude, but it’s worth fully exploiting the potential of your own attitude before concluding that the relationship isn’t going to work. One way to be responsible for your attitude is by abstaining from relating your partner as a stereotype.
I believe almost everyone does this to an extent. It’s difficult to banish from our minds the ideas we have about men, women, and humans in general. Even if your partner isn’t a typical male or female, your conditioning can cause you to relate to them based on ideas and experiences from the past. And even when you relate to someone simply based on your ideas about that specific person – rather than whoever they are in this very moment – this may still serve as an impediment to authentic connection.
Practice presence with them. It’s good to start with a relatively casual conversation. Let both parties be innocent – try to enter the conversation without judgment, expectations, or lenses. Who knows what might happen and how you might see the other person if you were to enter the exchange with absolute freshness.
See if you can internally choose when to talk and when to listen. When it’s your turn to listen, don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Just listen. Listen with your ears and eyes and heart. Breathe slowly and fully.
What else is involved in “your work”? Here are some examples:
To the extent that you actively work to resolve past experiences (especially traumatic ones) that infringe on your current ability to show up “cleanly” with your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you work to deactivate your “buttons” which cause you to make you react disproportionately to relatively benign behaviors by your partner, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to show up in your relationship with as much presence and enthusiasm as you can muster, you will benefit.
To the extent that you take responsibility for your baggage, attitude, communication, and interpretations, you will benefit.
To the extent that you choose to remember and honor your commitment (assuming, of course, that neither party is getting hurt by remaining together), you will benefit.
All these benefits are yours whether or not the relationship survives, and the chances of its survival are so much greater when you’re an active and responsible participant in the above ways. Further, if you’re not in a relationship but want to be, doing your work will make for a healthier relationship when the time comes, and it will also support you to make better choices of who to invite into your life. If you’re not in a romantic relationship and don’t care to be, this work will serve you in all your other relationships, including the one with yourself.
Be well,
Peter
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I am in end stage renal failure and wonder if homeopathy could help. I know that dialysis is in the near future but maybe it could help during the dialysis?
I’m sorry to hear about your kidneys. I think homeopathy certainly wouldn’t hurt. Also, while you still have some kidney function, you might look into another form of homeopathy – glandular extracts of the affected organ (usually from cow, pig, or sheep), such as Renafood or Renatrophin made by Standard Process. Be well, Peter