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While some cultures have longstanding traditions to celebrate their mothers, ours didn’t begin until about 1911 when all the states adopted Mother’s Day. It was the culmination of a campaign begun in 1905 by Anna Jarvis in honor of her late mother, Anne Reeves Jarvis, who had worked for peace and tended to wounded soldiers from both sides during the Civil War.
In 1914, Woodrow Wilson made Mother’s Day a national holiday, and within a decade companies were capitalizing on it with cards, chocolate, and bouquets. Jarvis didn’t like it. She was so opposed to the commercialization of Mother’s Day that she organized boycotts against it and was once arrested for disturbing the peace when she freaked out about people selling white carnations – her mother’s favorite flower – for the holiday. When she discovered that a restaurant was selling a “Mother’s Day Salad,” she ordered one and dumped it on the floor. Jarvis felt that no mother would prefer a gift over a visit or heartfelt letter. (However, had she known about massages and skin care at The Dragontree, she would have undoubtedly been in support of getting these services for your mom.) ;)
In honor of Jarvis and the original spirit of the holiday I’d like to talk about mothers and what they mean to us. I’m lucky to have a good relationship with my mom, but I know it’s complicated for many people. Mothers almost never have any training in mothering. There aren’t any prerequisites for bearing children. You don’t need to have healed your psychological wounds. You don’t need to understand kids, nutrition, scheduling, or housekeeping. You don’t have to be sober, you don’t need self-esteem, you don’t need to be in a safe relationship, and don’t need communication skills. If your mother had most of these managed, perhaps you’re luckier than you think.
I was talking with a patient last week about her strained relationship with her mother and she said something to the effect of, “I know I should just stop expecting her to be different than she is, because she’s not going to change.” I’ve heard this statement a lot about parents, and I think it’s worth exploring.
It’s so common to want your mom to be different – to be supportive, to listen to you, to accept your choices, to love you unconditionally. Is this unreasonable? Of course not. These are the qualities of the archetypal Mother and they’re what everyone wants.
(Aside: If your mama embodies these qualities, take a moment for gratitude. Also, even if your mother is no longer living, you may still struggle with the history of your relationship, and healing is still possible.)
As for whether the person who gave birth to you is capable of embodying these qualities, that’s another story. She’s a human with her own weaknesses, wounds, and baggage. Maybe she never had these qualities modeled by her own mother. Maybe she’s too wrapped up in her own inner turmoil to be able to extend this kind of presence to her children. If your mother has failed to embody these qualities, you have two main options. Option one is blame and resentment. Option two is to see her and forgive her.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Wait. This is about getting my mother to be a better mother to me and it sounds like you’re directing me to help her.”
True. While we grow up thinking of the parent-child relationship as a mostly one-way street, it’s not. I believe it’s possible that you and your mom were brought together because of the potential for you to help her. And that can occur through your choosing to hold space for whomever she really is.
You’ll have to let go, at least momentarily, of any beliefs about who she should be and how your relationship should be. Open the space in your consciousness to allow for this whole woman. If you feel resistance in your body, welcome the sensation and let it pass through you. Breathe deeply. Keep your heart open. Hold her in your awareness without judgement. Forgive her – for everything. When you feel a sense of peace or resolution, I suggest you journal about it.
What if she was absolutely rotten to you? Well, I’m not suggesting you must be in an active relationship with her, nor that you even have to like her. What I want for you and your mother (and everyone) is freedom. The freedom to be however you are, and the freedom for her to be however she is. This doesn’t mean you can’t communicate requests that she treat you differently, but it does mean that she gets to decide if and how she honors those requests.
You’ll have an easier time allowing greater freedom into this relationship when you broaden your concept of what mothering means and where it comes from. While your mother gave you a body and fed you for many years, she may or may not have consciously guided you through the transition out of needing her, and this is important. If she didn’t help you in this regard, forgive her. She may not have known to do this; she may not have known how; and she may have felt incapable of supporting you to become less dependent on her because it felt like losing you. But that’s what the healthy mothering arc looks like – a transition from direct mothering to indirect mothering, and from dependence on her to independence and the ability to recognize your own needs and find ways to get them met.
I was only slightly kidding about Dragontree massages at the beginning of this article. Receiving compassionate touch is one of the many ways we connect with that mothered feeling of being held, understood, and nurtured. Some other ways include:
- Feeding ourselves well or allowing ourselves to be fed
- Connecting with the earth, feeling the soil and the rhythm of the planet
- Bathing ourselves lovingly (or, again, allowing ourselves to be bathed)
- Being listened to by a good friend and accepting their care
- Singing – to ourselves and others – and being sung to
I have a homework assignment for you. Try one of these (or another way in which you are nourished in this same way) this week and really focus on receiving it. When you know the ways in which you register motherly love and you let yourself receive it, you’ll notice that there’s less pressure on your biological mother to provide this for you. More freedom for you, more freedom for her.
Be well,
Peter
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Previously I wrote about how community is like medicine. Our circle of fellow humans goes through this amazing journey with us . . . encouraging us, witnessing us, screaming with us on the roller coasters, and holding our hand when we take our last breath. My orientation in that article was toward what community can do for us, but it’s at least as important to look at what we can do for our community.
I was reading about a Native American grief ritual described by Black Elk, and while the ritual itself was interesting, what stuck with me was his assertion that long-held grief isn’t good for a person or the community to which that person belongs. That is, when someone is mired in suffering, this can have a negative impact on their community.
You can probably think of plenty of examples where a glaring state of imbalance, such as rage or terror, could result in behaviors that are detrimental to others. But the effects of less dramatic, often chronic negative states are subtler. What happens – besides their own discomfort – when a person is trapped in depression, anxiety, or grief for years? One repercussion is that they have a diminished capacity to fully show up in their community. We might think, “Well, the community doesn’t really need me to be at my best,” but imagine going to a place where almost everyone was depressed, afraid, or angry. Such places do exist, of course, and you can feel it as a palpable mass degradation of the human spirit.
These days we may feel that we don’t have any real obligation to our community, which is so different from how humans have operated for most of our history. Today community may be seen as an entirely optional part of life. We can live in near isolation while anonymous members of our community manage the utilities that provide us with power, water, and internet, take away our garbage, maintain our roads, even deliver our groceries. It feels like independence, but in truth we’re more dependent than ever on an infrastructure other humans maintain – we just don’t know who those humans are.
We’ve lost our sense of responsibility to our community. It’s due in part to the feeling that our government is huge, remote, and corrupt. But if our response is to disengage, the situation can only get worse. If anything, the sense of disconnection from our elected representatives and neighbors should magnify the need to do what we can to make a positive difference. It’s not just an obligation, it’s also an opportunity. If we can recognize and accept that our quality of presence affects others, this may inspire us to be our best selves. And it’s not just a matter of what we do but also who we are and how we are. Becoming fundamentally well inside helps heal the community. Imagine how healthily a community of fundamentally well people manages challenges.
If you’ve been struggling, I don’t mean to make you feel guilty as well; that won’t help you or your community. Rather than focusing on the negative impact your unwellness might have on your community, consider that getting well is good for you and it’s good for your community. Sometimes it’s easier to do it for others than for yourself.
Years ago, I read A Course in Miracles with friends. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a book on spiritual awakening with a section of scripture and a year-long workbook of daily lessons. It’s not for everyone, but I gained some valuable insights from going through it. One of those insights occurred when I encountered this passage: “Lesson 66: My happiness and my function are one.”
Whereas I had tended to think of my happiness as a personal thing – sometimes even a selfish thing – this spiritual book was telling me that being happy (true, causeless happiness) is one of the greatest things I can do for the world. As I meditated on it, I saw clearly that the happy people I’ve known were like lights in every setting they entered. Without even intending it, they had a therapeutic effect on everyone they encountered. Not only did they tend to uplift those around them, in an unspoken way they communicated that this is a possibility for you, too. Happiness is a perspective, a choice. If I can choose it, you can choose it.
Being happy makes us more peaceful, compassionate, and creative. It gives us the freedom to see a bigger picture, rather than focusing on what’s wrong or bad. Even just one happy person in a room full of scared people can change the whole atmosphere – and the choices that community makes.
So I encourage you to consider this week:
- Who am I and what role do I play in my various communities?
- How have I been affected by the genuinely happy people I’ve known?
- What do I believe stands between me and being one of those happy people?
- What happens when I make a conscious choice of how I’m going to show up in a given setting?
- When I give, what do I receive?
- How do I feel when I put myself in service to others?
- Where could I dedicate myself to more actively resolve any unhealthy patterns of thought, communication, or behavior?
- How will I be different as I heal, and how will I affect my community differently as I release my baggage?
- When will I choose happiness?
Be well,
Peter
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The first of January has sometimes felt to me like an arbitrary date to divide our lives by, since most of our projects and phases don’t conform to the calendar year. But I’ve decided it’s as good a time as any to make resolutions, and perhaps there’s some group momentum we generate when we all align ourselves around virtuous intentions together.
Maybe you’re familiar with the concept of “drafting” or “slipstreaming,” whereby someone in a vehicle can ride in the wake of moving air or water created by a vehicle in front of them. It reduces resistance and helps pull them along, making for an easier ride. Cyclists and racecar drivers do it all the time – drafting the bike or car in front of them by staying right behind them. The only one who doesn’t benefit much from it is the vehicle in the front. In the case of our New Year’s resolutions, we’ll all be drafting a guy named Barry who lives in Hoboken and is really jazzed about his new diet.
So, let’s take the opportunity to consider what we want 2017 to be about. My friend Andy Drish chooses a theme for each year at its outset, and he says the year has a way of conforming to the vision he establishes. When he looks back, it’s impressive to see just how many things seemed to fall into place along the lines of the year’s theme.
Some of his past themes included The Year of Exponential Growth, The Year of Being a Man Who Fearlessly and Courageously Gives His Gifts to the World, and The Year of Self Love. I think this is a brilliant idea, and I recommend you choose a theme for 2017 right now, and write it down. For me, this is The Year of Deep, Unshakable Happiness.
If you feel especially inspired, you can even choose a theme for each month, such as The Month of Serving My Species, The Month of Learning to Ask for What I Want, and The Month of Letting Go of the Struggle. If you’re the kind of person who thrives on structure, this can really help keep you on track while supporting you to focus on several different areas of growth. Each month could be a sub-theme that supports the year’s overarching theme. If coming up with twelve more themes sounds too complicated, just stick to your one theme of the year.
Once you have settled on a theme (or a yearlong theme plus twelve monthly themes), get a piece of paper and jot down some things you could do to support the actualization of this theme. It’s not so important that these actions directly produce the condition stated in your theme. Just think of them as the supportive part of the contract you’re creating with yourself and the universe.
To use my own theme as an example, even though there’s no formula for being happy, there are certainly a handful of things that can help. My intention for the year is to tap into that happy-for-no-reason state of mind that isn’t dependent upon particular life circumstances. To support the actualization of this state, I’ve agreed to do a bunch of things that I know are good for me, such as meditating, eating well, exercising, spending more time with friends, going on more dates with my wife, journaling, and abstaining from complaining or criticizing.
I set parameters around each of these actions (once a day, once a week, once a month, etc.), and I know that as I keep these agreements, I reinforce my trust in myself. Virtually everything I say I’m going to do gets done, because I know my subconscious is watching, and because, well, keeping your word matters – even (perhaps especially) if it’s just with yourself. Another thing that happens when I’m conscientious about noticing the agreements I make and being sure to keep them is that my mind becomes easier to manage. I don’t have the mental burden of broken or forgotten agreements weighing on me.
The result of this consistency is that a kind of momentum develops – my own slipstream. And when I’m in this groove, I notice that magic happens.
Try it. It doesn’t require talent, excessively effort, or charisma. Just choose a theme, make some supportive agreements – nothing that exceeds what you know you can follow through on – choose parameters (frequency, time period), and then honestly keep these agreements.
This year, I know more people who are consciously engaging in a process like this than I’ve ever known before. I’m excited to see what we accomplish. If you feel so moved, please share the theme of your year in the comments section below.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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While some cultures have longstanding traditions to celebrate their mothers, ours didn’t begin until about 1911 when all the states adopted Mother’s Day. It was the culmination of a campaign begun in 1905 by Anna Jarvis in honor of her late mother, Anne Reeves Jarvis, who had worked for peace and tended to wounded soldiers from both sides during the Civil War.
In 1914, Woodrow Wilson made Mother’s Day a national holiday, and within a decade companies were capitalizing on it with cards, chocolate, and bouquets. Jarvis didn’t like it. She was so opposed to the commercialization of Mother’s Day that she organized boycotts against it and was once arrested for disturbing the peace when she freaked out about people selling white carnations – her mother’s favorite flower – for the holiday. When she discovered that a restaurant was selling a “Mother’s Day Salad,” she ordered one and dumped it on the floor. Jarvis felt that no mother would prefer a gift over a visit or heartfelt letter. (However, had she known about massages and skin care at The Dragontree, she would have undoubtedly been in support of getting these services for your mom.) ;)
In honor of Jarvis and the original spirit of the holiday I’d like to talk about mothers and what they mean to us. I’m lucky to have a good relationship with my mom, but I know it’s complicated for many people. Mothers almost never have any training in mothering. There aren’t any prerequisites for bearing children. You don’t need to have healed your psychological wounds. You don’t need to understand kids, nutrition, scheduling, or housekeeping. You don’t have to be sober, you don’t need self-esteem, you don’t need to be in a safe relationship, and don’t need communication skills. If your mother had most of these managed, perhaps you’re luckier than you think.
I was talking with a patient last week about her strained relationship with her mother and she said something to the effect of, “I know I should just stop expecting her to be different than she is, because she’s not going to change.” I’ve heard this statement a lot about parents, and I think it’s worth exploring.
It’s so common to want your mom to be different – to be supportive, to listen to you, to accept your choices, to love you unconditionally. Is this unreasonable? Of course not. These are the qualities of the archetypal Mother and they’re what everyone wants.
(Aside: If your mama embodies these qualities, take a moment for gratitude. Also, even if your mother is no longer living, you may still struggle with the history of your relationship, and healing is still possible.)
As for whether the person who gave birth to you is capable of embodying these qualities, that’s another story. She’s a human with her own weaknesses, wounds, and baggage. Maybe she never had these qualities modeled by her own mother. Maybe she’s too wrapped up in her own inner turmoil to be able to extend this kind of presence to her children. If your mother has failed to embody these qualities, you have two main options. Option one is blame and resentment. Option two is to see her and forgive her.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Wait. This is about getting my mother to be a better mother to me and it sounds like you’re directing me to help her.”
True. While we grow up thinking of the parent-child relationship as a mostly one-way street, it’s not. I believe it’s possible that you and your mom were brought together because of the potential for you to help her. And that can occur through your choosing to hold space for whomever she really is.
You’ll have to let go, at least momentarily, of any beliefs about who she should be and how your relationship should be. Open the space in your consciousness to allow for this whole woman. If you feel resistance in your body, welcome the sensation and let it pass through you. Breathe deeply. Keep your heart open. Hold her in your awareness without judgement. Forgive her – for everything. When you feel a sense of peace or resolution, I suggest you journal about it.
What if she was absolutely rotten to you? Well, I’m not suggesting you must be in an active relationship with her, nor that you even have to like her. What I want for you and your mother (and everyone) is freedom. The freedom to be however you are, and the freedom for her to be however she is. This doesn’t mean you can’t communicate requests that she treat you differently, but it does mean that she gets to decide if and how she honors those requests.
You’ll have an easier time allowing greater freedom into this relationship when you broaden your concept of what mothering means and where it comes from. While your mother gave you a body and fed you for many years, she may or may not have consciously guided you through the transition out of needing her, and this is important. If she didn’t help you in this regard, forgive her. She may not have known to do this; she may not have known how; and she may have felt incapable of supporting you to become less dependent on her because it felt like losing you. But that’s what the healthy mothering arc looks like – a transition from direct mothering to indirect mothering, and from dependence on her to independence and the ability to recognize your own needs and find ways to get them met.
I was only slightly kidding about Dragontree massages at the beginning of this article. Receiving compassionate touch is one of the many ways we connect with that mothered feeling of being held, understood, and nurtured. Some other ways include:
- Feeding ourselves well or allowing ourselves to be fed
- Connecting with the earth, feeling the soil and the rhythm of the planet
- Bathing ourselves lovingly (or, again, allowing ourselves to be bathed)
- Being listened to by a good friend and accepting their care
- Singing – to ourselves and others – and being sung to
I have a homework assignment for you. Try one of these (or another way in which you are nourished in this same way) this week and really focus on receiving it. When you know the ways in which you register motherly love and you let yourself receive it, you’ll notice that there’s less pressure on your biological mother to provide this for you. More freedom for you, more freedom for her.
Be well,
Peter
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(
[0] => query_vars_hash
[1] => query_vars_changed
)
[compat_methods:WP_Query:private] => Array
(
[0] => init_query_flags
[1] => parse_tax_query
)
)
Cart