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As a weight-obsessed culture, we don’t often want to think of ourselves as big, but there’s an expression you hear once in a while – “That’s big of you” – and it means something good. TheFreeDictionary.com defines it as: “Noble or commendable” (unfortunately it adds, “this phrase is often said sarcastically”).
It’s as if we experience a person as somehow bigger when they embody their virtuousness. In contrast, when someone acts from animalistic drives, out of selfishness, fear, rigidity, or spite, we often see them as small.
These perceptions make sense because when we’re acting from our “big self,” we have access to a broader palette of options. We have the perspective to step back from the charged elements of a situation and choose who we want to be. When we’re in our “small self” we have few options; our emotions and narrow beliefs are in the driver’s seat.
This is why Briana and I so often lean on the words growth and expansion when discussing the work we do and the processes by which people overcome limitations. And it’s why we chose the name Sacred Expansion for our upcoming course.
When our kids were little, they would sometimes talk to us about getting older and what that meant. They’d proudly point out that they were older or bigger than some other kid, as if this signified a higher level of importance. And they would proclaim that when they got to be 20, or 30, or 100 years old, they’d be SO big and SO grown-up. Usually I would just enjoy this fantasy with them, but once in a while I’d explain that we don’t actually get much taller after our teen years . . . and many people don’t really continue to “grow up” after that age either.
The latter point was probably lost on them, but I think it’s important that they understand it as they get closer to being adults: our psychological makeup doesn’t necessarily get upgraded as our body matures. There are plenty of children in the world operating through adult bodies. Knowing this can make it easier to find compassion for each other.
This arrested development is mostly the result of our animalistic wiring (survival, pain avoidance, and pleasure-seeking) combined with restrictive programming from our parents and community. Each generation indoctrinates the next in both the wisdom and limitations of those who came before us. Often our socialization holds us back, instilling so many with a message that amounts to “life is a struggle; just get through it.”
But we can help each other. One inspired person can light up another, and from there the illumination can continue to spread. We all have the ability to liberate ourselves from the programming that holds us back. Often requires improving our self-awareness, honestly examining the ways we’re restricted, and choosing to release the beliefs and baggage that are degrading us. While this isn’t easy, it doesn’t have to be terrifying or tedious.
It can even be a process full of beauty and grace. That’s the idea behind Sacred Expansion. My wife, Briana, leads participants through a process of self-exploration that’s utilizes the imagery of the seasons and the language of the natural world that’s deep within each of us. Though it entails some work, the rewards come pretty quickly. While you recognize that you have a lifetime of growth and expansion ahead of you, you also know that you’ve got this. And it just gets better and better.
I heartily encourage you to join us. We start this Tuesday! And we always provide replays for those who can't make it to the live sessions.
Be well,
Peter
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Last week I shared a quote from spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti: “Do you want to know my secret? I don’t mind what happens.” Then we looked at the differences between an absolute spiritual truth and the relative perspective of most humans. When we encounter an absolute view that we haven’t personally realized and experienced, sometimes it doesn’t make sense or it even has the opposite effect of what was intended.
If we imagine “I don’t mind what happens” to mean “nothing bothers me,” this contradicts most people’s daily experience. But it fits right in with a common perception when we’re evolved or enlightened we’ll be imperturbable. So, without having realized the absolute truth, we might apply it to our relative experience in a way that amounts to denying our humanity.
Buddhist psychologist and author, John Welwood, who coined the term “spiritual bypass,” explained that we have a tendency to use absolute truths of spirituality to dismiss “relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits.” He believed we need to recognize “two different tracks of human development— which we might call growing up and waking up, healing and awakening, or becoming a genuine human person and going beyond the person altogether.”1 Thus, it’s possible to resolve all our psychological problems without achieving a spiritual awakening, and it’s possible to wake up spiritually and still have a highly dysfunctional personality.
So, what is the place of such statements of absolute spiritual truth? In my opinion it’s still useful to expose ourselves to them. We shouldn’t confuse the destination with the path, and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be able to embody them at will. But they can still serve as a messenger to the soul. When we encounter a statement like, “I don’t mind what happens,” perhaps it’s like a key that unlocks something within us. Maybe it stirs a place in us that remembers this, beneath the slumbering mind, and begins to initiate an unraveling of what has caused us to forget. Perhaps it inspires us to understand what this means, to experience it directly for ourselves. Perhaps it makes us ask, “What would my life be like if this were true for me?”
Meanwhile, what can you do when you find ourselves minding what happens? You’re in good company. Virtually everyone in the world has times when they mind what’s happening. People in pain, people who are afraid, people who are lonely or grieving, people who can’t fall asleep, people witnessing violence or injustice . . . most of them mind what’s happening. So here are some options.
Option one is to suffer. Highly unpleasant but very popular.
Option two is to change something external. Sometimes this is possible and useful, other times it isn’t. If you mind that you’re getting bitten by mosquitos, you could put on bug spray. If, on the other hand, you mind that your government is corrupt, you may not be in a position to significantly improve it, especially if you have a busy life and don’t plant to change careers.
This is where the famous Serenity Prayer by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr is useful – “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” If you can recognize what cannot be changed by you, it may be easier to let go of the belief that they are your business. If you’re not currently engaged with it, don’t mind it. That is, don’t give your mind to it.
Option three is to change something internal. There are several sub-options here. The first is to deny that you mind what you mind. The main way we do this is through willful ignorance. We often employ willful ignorance as a coping mechanism simply because we can’t take care of all the things that concern us in the world.
For instance, I have a 60-year-old truck that I take out occasionally to get bales of hay for our alpacas, and the exhaust stinks. I know I’m putting carbon emissions into the atmosphere, and I haven’t yet found a way to fix it. So I have to put it out of my mind (i.e., willfully become ignorant of how I am contributing to climate change) in order to lessen the amount of guilt I feel about it. It’s a mediocre way of dealing with minding what happens.
Another way to deny that you mind what’s happening is through spiritual bypass. That is, you employ a spiritual ideal you haven’t actually achieved as a way of falsely transcending your issues. Welwood explained it as using “spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
I think we can agree that denial isn’t the best answer. As a band-aid, it never truly resolves the unsettled feeling that erodes your peace and infringes on your presence.
Another way of changing something internal is to consciously, sincerely explore your relationship with what you mind. Don’t say “I don’t mind” when you do mind. Be honest with yourself. And don’t say, “I shouldn’t mind” when you do mind. Consider this alternative: I do mind, but I am determined not to argue with or depart from reality.
Here we come to what I believe Krishnamurti actually meant by “I don’t mind what happens.” I don’t believe he meant that nothing could bother him. I think he meant that, regardless of what happens, he doesn’t see reality as wrong or feel it should be different. If someone were to come at him with a knife, perhaps he would have found himself knocking the knife out of their hand. This wouldn’t mean that he “minds what happens,” only that he chose to act. Whether he acted or remained entirely passive to an attack, either one would affect the course of events, so neither constitutes “minding” more than the other.
But let’s bring this back to an application for someone who hasn’t yet realized the absolute truth of not minding what happens. First, there is a difference between minding what is currently occurring here and now versus minding something that is neither. The latter is what I mean by “departing from reality.” If it’s not currently happening, see if you can bring yourself back into the present experience.
There is also a difference between minding something but accepting it versus minding something and insisting that it shouldn’t be happening. “Shouldn’t be happening” is an exercise in futility. It’s an argument against reality. Removing your resistance from the equation (to something that cannot be changed by resisting it!) reduces your suffering; and it doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you’re giving up.
Jesuit priest and author Anthony de Mello defined enlightenment as absolute cooperation with the inevitable. This is the opposite of resistance and a necessary first step before diving deeper into your relationship with what you mind.
Diving in is acceptance in action. Generally, you must set aside time and space for this. It entails meeting the inner discord with sincerity, being willing to see, hear, feel, and understand it in its entirety. It also entails a willingness to recognize how the conflict degrades you and limits your freedom. Try to maintain an attitude of openness and innocence throughout the process. This work can unravel long-held beliefs and patterns of constraint. It can enable you to move forward with constructive action, if that’s what you choose. And it can facilitate an expansion from your relativistic thinking about the issue to a more transpersonal perspective. This may not always get you to a place where you can honestly say, “I don’t mind what’s happening,” but it will bring greater clarity and peace to your experience of it.
Be well,
Peter
1Fossella, T., 2011. Human Nature, Buddha Nature: An Interview with John Welwood. [online] Tricycle: The Buddhist Review. Available at: <https://tricycle.org/magazine/human-nature-buddha-nature/> [Accessed 27 April 2022]. Welwood cautioned, “When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it.”
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Last week I wrote about the many reasons we don’t ask for help, including what I think of the “Lone Ranger complex,” where we believe there’s great merit in doing everything by ourselves. Sure, there’s a sense of accomplishment, but we still get that feeling even when we accomplish something with the help of others.
I brought this up because enrollment is currently open for our Sacred Expansion course, which is a group-oriented approach to personal growth. Even though the internal exploration is ultimately up to each of us, we can benefit from being guided through a tried-and-true framework, discussing the experience with people on the same path, and holding hands along the way.
Why is it good to do such things with other people? I’m glad you asked. Here are a few reasons.
- We see that other people have the same stuff we do. We’re not alone in our weirdness or our struggles. It’s relieving to know that there’s little that you’ve thought, felt, or gone through that someone else out there doesn’t share.
- Further, we get to see that most people aren’t alienated by our challenges. While we may tend to fear that the world would disapprove and abandon us if it knew XYZ about us (that we’re insecure, we pick our nose, we aren’t that spiritual, we’re always sucking in our belly, we yell at our kids, we use the code for bulk conventional rice when we actually have a bag of organic rice, we snort bath salts, etc.), the truth is our friends and family are unlikely to be ruffled by any of it. More relief.
- We get the opportunity to be seen in our light and reminded of our strengths. While we may be hyper-focused on our problems and faults, others can help remind us that we’re so much more.
- We get “borrowed benefits” (to use a term coined by EFT-creator Gary Craig) from witnessing and helping others work through their problems. In the process, our own knots may begin to loosen and/or we may get insights that can be applied to our life.
- We get to be of service to others. Giving is receiving. It is as much a gift to us as it is to them.
- We learn from others’ reflections of us. The accuracy of self-reflection waxes and wanes, since we’re always seeing ourselves through a certain lens. Sometimes having someone tell us, kindly and truthfully, what they see in us can illuminate our blind spots. It can be difficult to receive this feedback, but may be instrumental in our development.
- We get to experience true connection. When operating from our default habits, we often relate to each other through many layers of mental static. What may look like a conversation between two humans could actually be … me acting out a personality I’ve constructed based on what I think is most impressive and approval-worthy, relating not to the real you, but to the mental representation I’ve made of you, based on my stereotypes, stories, and past experience of you (acting through your own filtered self). Miraculously, my true Self and your true Self can find a way to connect through all this fog. It’s therapeutic to do so. And it serves to dismantle all the crap that gets in the way.
- It helps cure us of one of the most damaging and widely held beliefs in the world: we’re all separate. The denial of our connectedness, especially combined with the belief that there isn’t enough, is a recipe for suffering. It makes us feel alone, vulnerable, judged, and in competition – rather than collaboration – with the rest of our species. But the more we let others into our life, the less we’re controlled by this belief. This is especially true when we share with others about the very issues that make us feel alone, vulnerable, judged, and in competition.
So, I heartily encourage you to find ways to grow in the company of likeminded others! Sacred Expansion is a good place to start. We created it as a preliminary course for our life coaches-in-training, but it soon became clear that it’s such an important and valuable program that we decided to make it available on its own. It’s about getting to know yourself and your place in the natural world, clearing patterns that hold you back, and reconnecting with your peaceful, trustworthy, essential Self.
Love,
Peter
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As a weight-obsessed culture, we don’t often want to think of ourselves as big, but there’s an expression you hear once in a while – “That’s big of you” – and it means something good. TheFreeDictionary.com defines it as: “Noble or commendable” (unfortunately it adds, “this phrase is often said sarcastically”).
It’s as if we experience a person as somehow bigger when they embody their virtuousness. In contrast, when someone acts from animalistic drives, out of selfishness, fear, rigidity, or spite, we often see them as small.
These perceptions make sense because when we’re acting from our “big self,” we have access to a broader palette of options. We have the perspective to step back from the charged elements of a situation and choose who we want to be. When we’re in our “small self” we have few options; our emotions and narrow beliefs are in the driver’s seat.
This is why Briana and I so often lean on the words growth and expansion when discussing the work we do and the processes by which people overcome limitations. And it’s why we chose the name Sacred Expansion for our upcoming course.
When our kids were little, they would sometimes talk to us about getting older and what that meant. They’d proudly point out that they were older or bigger than some other kid, as if this signified a higher level of importance. And they would proclaim that when they got to be 20, or 30, or 100 years old, they’d be SO big and SO grown-up. Usually I would just enjoy this fantasy with them, but once in a while I’d explain that we don’t actually get much taller after our teen years . . . and many people don’t really continue to “grow up” after that age either.
The latter point was probably lost on them, but I think it’s important that they understand it as they get closer to being adults: our psychological makeup doesn’t necessarily get upgraded as our body matures. There are plenty of children in the world operating through adult bodies. Knowing this can make it easier to find compassion for each other.
This arrested development is mostly the result of our animalistic wiring (survival, pain avoidance, and pleasure-seeking) combined with restrictive programming from our parents and community. Each generation indoctrinates the next in both the wisdom and limitations of those who came before us. Often our socialization holds us back, instilling so many with a message that amounts to “life is a struggle; just get through it.”
But we can help each other. One inspired person can light up another, and from there the illumination can continue to spread. We all have the ability to liberate ourselves from the programming that holds us back. Often requires improving our self-awareness, honestly examining the ways we’re restricted, and choosing to release the beliefs and baggage that are degrading us. While this isn’t easy, it doesn’t have to be terrifying or tedious.
It can even be a process full of beauty and grace. That’s the idea behind Sacred Expansion. My wife, Briana, leads participants through a process of self-exploration that’s utilizes the imagery of the seasons and the language of the natural world that’s deep within each of us. Though it entails some work, the rewards come pretty quickly. While you recognize that you have a lifetime of growth and expansion ahead of you, you also know that you’ve got this. And it just gets better and better.
I heartily encourage you to join us. We start this Tuesday! And we always provide replays for those who can't make it to the live sessions.
Be well,
Peter
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