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A Rose by any other Name would Smell as Sweet

About 20 years ago, I started thinking about whether my name was right for me. Like most people, I neither loved nor hated it, and I felt it was kind… Read More

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While there’s plenty of guidance we can offer someone to help them figure out and actualize what makes them happy, we meet quite a lot of people who essentially already have it. They really are living the dream. The main issue is that they just don’t see it. They often suffer from what my friend Andy Dooley calls “lousy and lazy thinking.” Today I want to talk about the antidote. Whether you’ve already got a great thing going or there’s clearly a gap between where you are now and where you want to be, either way, you’ll benefit from being deliberate with how you use your attention. Attention is like fertilizer. When you put your attention on something it grows. This is why panicky thoughts tend to balloon and pain tends to increase when we focus on it. Unfortunately, bad experiences also tend to cut deeper grooves in our inner terrain, causing stronger memories and a tendency to be retriggered. We can easily get into a negative feedback loop as the thought “something’s wrong” demands our attention and then gets fed by it. Our nervous system is just trying to be helpful; we’re wired this way to ensure our survival. Thus, it’s by design that things that signal danger are able to usurp our attention. But even while the risk of physical danger is lower than ever for most modern humans, we’ve trained ourselves to react similarly to a very broad range of other conditions, like money scarcity and situations that could lead to disapproval by our peers (because we subconsciously associate both money and our tribe’s approval with our survival). But as humans with highly evolved brains capable of reasoning, we don’t need to be run by our animalistic side. We can change our default programs. One of the best antidotes is get a hold of that mind and put your attention on something else. Your two best options are (1) whatever you are currently engaged with (A.K.A. mindfulness) (2) anything that is good, fascinating, funny, joyous, celebratory, beautiful, loving, trustworthy, kind, generous, or peaceful. By putting your attention on what is good and what is here and now, you fertilize those parts of life and override your overactive survival mechanisms. Not only does this help heal you of the tendency to focus on the bad (or possibly-maybe-could-be-bad), if you do it enough it actually starts to change your life. If you’re using the Dreambook, an easy thing to put your attention on is all the goals you achieve. Too often we complete something, barely register it, and move on to the next thing. Just pausing, acknowledging, and celebrating this achievement amplifies the feelings of satisfaction, self-trust, and gratitude. Revel in those feelings. The satisfaction of completion – like finishing a puzzle or making it to the finish line – is a combination of relief and delight. The feeling of self-trust is like an inner stability and fortitude. You said you were going to do this and you do it. You can rely on yourself. You will always be there for you. Finally, gratitude makes you feel expansive and connected. Consider all the internal powers (your body, your ingenuity, your creativity, your persistence, etc.), external powers (the people and resources that helped you get it done), and spiritual powers (the vision, strength, and gifts of your Highest Self) that made this possible. It’s like saying to your system, “I’m pressing the save button. I’m configuring myself for trust, fulfillment, serendipities, and optimism.” While it’s especially important to do this with your big quarterly and one-year or longer-term goals, it’s perfectly wonderful to do it with your monthly, weekly, and daily goals too. In fact, the more you celebrate the more you start to notice reasons to celebrate. Be so well, Peter [post_title] => The Antidote: Celebration [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => the-antidote-celebration [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-09-09 21:45:12 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-09-09 21:45:12 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8811 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 2 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [1] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8641 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_content] => During a particularly hard break-up in my 20s, a friend advised me, “The more present you are during this process, the bigger the present you’ll get out of it.” And though I barely understood what that meant, I gave it a try and an odd thing happened. I saw that I was choosing the big, dramatic grieving process I was going through. And that meant it was optional. In The Art of Presence, Eckhart Tolle says, “Through thought you cannot possibly grasp what presence is.” But he gives some clues to point us in the right direction. He says it’s there, “when you’re not thinking about the last moment, or looking to the next one.” And he uses phrases like “a state of relaxed alertness” and “a spacious stillness,” to describe it. Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.” Our presence is tremendously rare and hugely valuable. Especially in this age of epidemic distraction, it’s increasingly difficult and uncommon to choose a voluntary time-out from technology, data, and our own mental analysis. But unlike the artificial value of a coin that accidentally got stamped with a head on both sides, our presence can do for us what nothing else can. And we can make it more abundant by simply choosing it. Although it may not put food in our belly, most other problems disappear with presence. The need to fix or relive the past disappears. The need to avoid certain unwanted events in the future disappears. Even if we're working on something now that will benefit us in the future, with our presence, we work on it now in order to work on it now. And that’s enough. The allure of distraction, which so often threatens our presence, dissolves when we practice being present. Do you know the word obviate? I like to write using words that almost everyone understands, but there’s only one word I can think of that means “to make unnecessary,” and that word is obviate. Learning to deepen our presence obviates the urge for distraction and mental departure from our current reality. With presence, we perceive all kinds of intelligence and detail that we’re otherwise deaf and blind to. We know when to eat and when to stop eating. We know how to move our body in a way that doesn’t cause pain or injury. Our work becomes more interesting. Our relationships become healthier. We listen better and we feel heard. With two kids, my presence is requested almost incessantly. I hear the word Papa at least 100 times a day. Often, I hear it ten or more times in quick succession. We all yearn for someone’s total presence with us. These are the moments of connection between what is the same in both of us. Presence uncovers what’s real in this moment. And that’s refreshing, exciting, and affirming. When we’re all so busy that we see time as a commodity, it can seem that giving our presence to someone else is like giving away our treasure. But are we actually giving something away? Of course not. When we “give” our presence we gain the present. To withhold our presence means both we and the other person miss out. So, how can you learn to be more present? It takes practice. If you’re new to this, I don’t recommend making a goal like, “I’m going to be more present from now on.” I don’t want to discourage you, I just want you to be realistic about what you’re up against – a lifetime of habits and a sea of tantalizing distractions. Try something a bit less ambitious, such as this: Once a day, as you begin some activity – whether it’s buying groceries, playing Candyland, eating a meal, and listening to a friend’s problems – select this activity as an exercise in presence. In your mind, identify what exactly you’re doing – “I’m vacuuming the floor” – and devote yourself to that. Don’t run away in the middle of the activity. This means don’t pick up your phone, don’t depart in your mind to explore other thoughts and ideas, don’t visit the past, don’t anticipate what’s next, don’t judge. Just dwell in the present. Be saturated by the present. Feel everything. Accept everything. And let each next moment come. Over time, quicker than you might think, you’ll start regaining your attention. You’ll be able to focus on something for more than five seconds. You’ll begin to yearn for this, which will make your practice much easier. And as you start willingly selecting more and more moments to be completely present, you’ll experience an unending offering of presents. Be well, Dr. Peter Borten [post_title] => A Free Pile of Presents Just for You [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => a-free-pile-of-presents-just-for-you [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-04-08 21:50:03 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8641 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [2] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8864 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-11-25 21:46:31 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-11-25 21:46:31 [post_content] => No matter where you are on your journey, the Dragontree candle collection offers an inspiring tool to help light the way. Our new candles are thoughtfully designed and hand-crafted with intention and quality ingredients. We. Love. Candles. As owners of spas and teachers of ritual, we go through a LOT of candles. Think of a big number and multiply it by a zillion – that’s how many candles we burn. A day. There are plenty of things we love about candles, but the central reason we use them is to bring the Fire Element into our space. From the beginning of recorded time, fire has been a powerful symbol and a central part of our lives. Our relationship to it is embedded deep in our collective consciousness. Fire’s light and warmth has long been a source of comfort and safety, and has been used to initiate rituals, to carry prayers, to promote transformation, to celebrate our connection with each other, and to remember and honor the light of awareness that unites us and transcends the mundane. For millennia we tended fires and gazed into flames on a daily basis, which facilitated a gentle meditative state in which we readily let go of our troubles and became realigned. Deprived of that routine, we find ourselves habitually staring at glowing screens instead . . . an inferior replacement that tends to have the opposite effect on us. The moment we light a candle, it shifts our consciousness. It takes us out of the whirlwind and brings us back into the present moment. Every detail of our Dragontree candles was painstakingly considered to ensure they’d be inspiring, supportive, and simply the best candles we’ve ever used. Why they’re so great:

Made with 100% beeswax
Higher melting point so they emit the cleanest, brightest flame
Cleanest burning wax produces no soot or toxic chemicals
Releases negative ions into the air, helps purify and elevate sacred spaces
The dense composition of beeswax burns slower and lasts longer than other candles
Individually hand poured by craftspeople in Cape Cod.
Presented in a luxurious box with gold foil lettering – perfect for gifting
Made with natural essential oils for an aromatherapeutic – but never overpowering or perfumy – experience
Poured in beautiful glass vessels imprinted with an affirmation
Vessels can be reused as an elegant pen holder, vase, or a hundred other uses
Ethically and sustainably created
No dyes, additives, or parabens
3"D x 3.5"H
8 oz.
Up to 50 hours burn time
Made in the USA

Why not paraffin, soy, or palm wax? Paraffin is a byproduct of the petroleum industry, and burning paraffin candles releases toxic compounds into your living space, including known carcinogens. Soy wax comes from soybeans, 96% of which are genetically modified to tolerate application of the pesticide Roundup. We don’t want to contribute to the soy industry and its ecological impacts. Palm wax comes from palm plantations which require massive-scale deforestation, endangering orangutans and other species, and contributing to climate change. Beeswax, in contrast, requires raising millions of healthy bees, which pollinate our crops and are a vital link in the ecosystem. You Are Sacred This elegant and soulful candle comes in a glossy black tumbler that is imprinted with a simple but powerful reminder: You Are Sacred. We know how easy it is for this crazy human ride to make you forget, to make you feel small and powerless. But that’s not who you really are. Remember? You Are Sacred. You are an expression of your Highest Self. You are a conscious creator. You can choose in every moment how to embody this sacredness. Light it daily before meditation, journaling, setting an intention, starting your day, or anytime you need some sacred space to get through a negative experience. The spicy, earthy notes of Cardamon, Vetiver, and Cedarwood mix with the bright, clear scent of Cypress and Pine, and the addition of Amyris highlights the soft woodsy aroma with the slightest hint of sweetness. This custom scent was blended to foster a calm sense of wellbeing and connect you to the sacred spaces found in nature . Our You Are Sacred candle makes a thoughtful gift for loved ones to show them you recognize their scaredness and want to be a part of their challenges, healing, and growth. Be The Light This bright and joyful candle is hand poured into a reflective white glass vessel and speaks to a powerful choice that is always available: “Be The Light” in noble gold lettering. This simple, yet life-changing statement reminds you there is a light within and your job is to let it shine into the world. Just as one candle can be used to light another, your light – pouring through your heart, your smile, your hands, giving purpose to your every task – sparks the light in others. Be The Light means not just shining outward, but also inward. In order to be effective beacons in the world, we must not withhold light from any part of ourselves. Being the light means accepting and integrating all that we are. In a world with plenty of darkness, there is no service greater than being an embodiment of light, uplifting those around you and affirming that lightness is their true nature. The fresh, cleansing fragrance of Sage and Pine blends artfully with soothing notes of Lavender and Vanilla and creates a sensory experience that supports emotional balance, blocks negative energies, and purifies your sacred space. Brighten someone’s day by gifting them this lovely affirmation. It serves as a daily prompt and lets them know that you recognize their light and are warmed and inspired by knowing them. Click here to check out our new candles! [post_title] => We. Love. Candles. 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While there’s plenty of guidance we can offer someone to help them figure out and actualize what makes them happy, we meet quite a lot of people who essentially already have it. They really are living the dream. The main issue is that they just don’t see it. They often suffer from what my friend Andy Dooley calls “lousy and lazy thinking.” Today I want to talk about the antidote. Whether you’ve already got a great thing going or there’s clearly a gap between where you are now and where you want to be, either way, you’ll benefit from being deliberate with how you use your attention. Attention is like fertilizer. When you put your attention on something it grows. This is why panicky thoughts tend to balloon and pain tends to increase when we focus on it. Unfortunately, bad experiences also tend to cut deeper grooves in our inner terrain, causing stronger memories and a tendency to be retriggered. We can easily get into a negative feedback loop as the thought “something’s wrong” demands our attention and then gets fed by it. Our nervous system is just trying to be helpful; we’re wired this way to ensure our survival. Thus, it’s by design that things that signal danger are able to usurp our attention. But even while the risk of physical danger is lower than ever for most modern humans, we’ve trained ourselves to react similarly to a very broad range of other conditions, like money scarcity and situations that could lead to disapproval by our peers (because we subconsciously associate both money and our tribe’s approval with our survival). But as humans with highly evolved brains capable of reasoning, we don’t need to be run by our animalistic side. We can change our default programs. One of the best antidotes is get a hold of that mind and put your attention on something else. Your two best options are (1) whatever you are currently engaged with (A.K.A. mindfulness) (2) anything that is good, fascinating, funny, joyous, celebratory, beautiful, loving, trustworthy, kind, generous, or peaceful. By putting your attention on what is good and what is here and now, you fertilize those parts of life and override your overactive survival mechanisms. Not only does this help heal you of the tendency to focus on the bad (or possibly-maybe-could-be-bad), if you do it enough it actually starts to change your life. If you’re using the Dreambook, an easy thing to put your attention on is all the goals you achieve. Too often we complete something, barely register it, and move on to the next thing. Just pausing, acknowledging, and celebrating this achievement amplifies the feelings of satisfaction, self-trust, and gratitude. Revel in those feelings. The satisfaction of completion – like finishing a puzzle or making it to the finish line – is a combination of relief and delight. The feeling of self-trust is like an inner stability and fortitude. You said you were going to do this and you do it. You can rely on yourself. You will always be there for you. Finally, gratitude makes you feel expansive and connected. Consider all the internal powers (your body, your ingenuity, your creativity, your persistence, etc.), external powers (the people and resources that helped you get it done), and spiritual powers (the vision, strength, and gifts of your Highest Self) that made this possible. It’s like saying to your system, “I’m pressing the save button. I’m configuring myself for trust, fulfillment, serendipities, and optimism.” While it’s especially important to do this with your big quarterly and one-year or longer-term goals, it’s perfectly wonderful to do it with your monthly, weekly, and daily goals too. In fact, the more you celebrate the more you start to notice reasons to celebrate. 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