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I love meeting new people. Sometimes it is difficult for me to focus on what is actual in front of me though. My mind tends to go a thousand miles a minute and sometimes I miss things. As the Dragontree prepares to expand and pursue our mission of enabling others to become more peace, healthy, balanced human beings, I think being present in your circumstances is one of the most important things I can do.
Today I had the distinct pleasure of being able to assemble our Dragontree Boulder staff for a picnic in the sunny outdoors. It was such a wonderful time of team building and expanding our community. It blesses my heart so much to be able to see so many people that I have come to care about meeting each other for the first time and creating new relationships. It was wonderful to be able to take some time to pause and be present in the moment with my colleagues. As we gear up for The Dragontree’s grand opening, this is something that has been on my mind so much. In order to expand our mission of bringing peace to our community, we much first be present- in our relationships, in our neighborhoods, and where we work. Make eye contact, smile, say hello to someone new. By doing so, you can engage with others and and I hope you’ll join me in spreading the Dragontree’s mission of peace.
Want some more reasons to smile at a stranger? http://7reasons.org/2011/10/11/7-reasons-to-smile-at-a-stranger
Charity G. (Spa Director - The Dragontree Boulder)
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While some cultures have longstanding traditions to celebrate their mothers, ours didn’t begin until about 1911 when all the states adopted Mother’s Day. It was the culmination of a campaign begun in 1905 by Anna Jarvis in honor of her late mother, Anne Reeves Jarvis, who had worked for peace and tended to wounded soldiers from both sides during the Civil War.
In 1914, Woodrow Wilson made Mother’s Day a national holiday, and within a decade companies were capitalizing on it with cards, chocolate, and bouquets. Jarvis didn’t like it. She was so opposed to the commercialization of Mother’s Day that she organized boycotts against it and was once arrested for disturbing the peace when she freaked out about people selling white carnations – her mother’s favorite flower – for the holiday. When she discovered that a restaurant was selling a “Mother’s Day Salad,” she ordered one and dumped it on the floor. Jarvis felt that no mother would prefer a gift over a visit or heartfelt letter. (However, had she known about massages and skin care at The Dragontree, she would have undoubtedly been in support of getting these services for your mom.) ;)
In honor of Jarvis and the original spirit of the holiday I’d like to talk about mothers and what they mean to us. I’m lucky to have a good relationship with my mom, but I know it’s complicated for many people. Mothers almost never have any training in mothering. There aren’t any prerequisites for bearing children. You don’t need to have healed your psychological wounds. You don’t need to understand kids, nutrition, scheduling, or housekeeping. You don’t have to be sober, you don’t need self-esteem, you don’t need to be in a safe relationship, and don’t need communication skills. If your mother had most of these managed, perhaps you’re luckier than you think.
I was talking with a patient last week about her strained relationship with her mother and she said something to the effect of, “I know I should just stop expecting her to be different than she is, because she’s not going to change.” I’ve heard this statement a lot about parents, and I think it’s worth exploring.
It’s so common to want your mom to be different – to be supportive, to listen to you, to accept your choices, to love you unconditionally. Is this unreasonable? Of course not. These are the qualities of the archetypal Mother and they’re what everyone wants.
(Aside: If your mama embodies these qualities, take a moment for gratitude. Also, even if your mother is no longer living, you may still struggle with the history of your relationship, and healing is still possible.)
As for whether the person who gave birth to you is capable of embodying these qualities, that’s another story. She’s a human with her own weaknesses, wounds, and baggage. Maybe she never had these qualities modeled by her own mother. Maybe she’s too wrapped up in her own inner turmoil to be able to extend this kind of presence to her children. If your mother has failed to embody these qualities, you have two main options. Option one is blame and resentment. Option two is to see her and forgive her.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Wait. This is about getting my mother to be a better mother to me and it sounds like you’re directing me to help her.”
True. While we grow up thinking of the parent-child relationship as a mostly one-way street, it’s not. I believe it’s possible that you and your mom were brought together because of the potential for you to help her. And that can occur through your choosing to hold space for whomever she really is.
You’ll have to let go, at least momentarily, of any beliefs about who she should be and how your relationship should be. Open the space in your consciousness to allow for this whole woman. If you feel resistance in your body, welcome the sensation and let it pass through you. Breathe deeply. Keep your heart open. Hold her in your awareness without judgement. Forgive her – for everything. When you feel a sense of peace or resolution, I suggest you journal about it.
What if she was absolutely rotten to you? Well, I’m not suggesting you must be in an active relationship with her, nor that you even have to like her. What I want for you and your mother (and everyone) is freedom. The freedom to be however you are, and the freedom for her to be however she is. This doesn’t mean you can’t communicate requests that she treat you differently, but it does mean that she gets to decide if and how she honors those requests.
You’ll have an easier time allowing greater freedom into this relationship when you broaden your concept of what mothering means and where it comes from. While your mother gave you a body and fed you for many years, she may or may not have consciously guided you through the transition out of needing her, and this is important. If she didn’t help you in this regard, forgive her. She may not have known to do this; she may not have known how; and she may have felt incapable of supporting you to become less dependent on her because it felt like losing you. But that’s what the healthy mothering arc looks like – a transition from direct mothering to indirect mothering, and from dependence on her to independence and the ability to recognize your own needs and find ways to get them met.
I was only slightly kidding about Dragontree massages at the beginning of this article. Receiving compassionate touch is one of the many ways we connect with that mothered feeling of being held, understood, and nurtured. Some other ways include:
- Feeding ourselves well or allowing ourselves to be fed
- Connecting with the earth, feeling the soil and the rhythm of the planet
- Bathing ourselves lovingly (or, again, allowing ourselves to be bathed)
- Being listened to by a good friend and accepting their care
- Singing – to ourselves and others – and being sung to
I have a homework assignment for you. Try one of these (or another way in which you are nourished in this same way) this week and really focus on receiving it. When you know the ways in which you register motherly love and you let yourself receive it, you’ll notice that there’s less pressure on your biological mother to provide this for you. More freedom for you, more freedom for her.
Be well,
Peter
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Happy New Year! I hope that your 2014 is everything you want it to be and that you reach all of the goals that you set for yourself. It’s exhilarating to get a fresh year to create some amazing things, but often around the end of January we start feeling like it’d be easier just to give up, quit trying, and eat a dozen doughnuts.
We all go through this. You have an idea that you are passionate about and it’s so exciting at first. You make lists, talk to your friends about it, and possibly buy the gear (computer, running shoes, organizational tools) to do it. But then the work part comes – and it isn’t always easy.
But this isn’t the side of things that people talk much about this time of year. Right now is all about setting goals and intentions for your New Year. But, what good is setting goals if you don’t achieve them? I want to help you work through the hard part, the time when you stop caring, the time when your faith in your project has waned, the time when it just isn’t easy. Because when you work through the difficult parts, the real treasure is on the other side.
I would love to tell you that if you do what you love, every moment will feel blissfully effortless. If it were true, I would sing it from the mountain tops. But it’s not and that doesn’t mean anything about whether you should continue on the path or not. Just because you stop “feeling like it” in the moment, doesn’t mean you should stop. There are moments when everyone doesn’t feel like it any more, that’s because we’re human. We start to feel self doubt, tired, distracted. You are not alone in this.
Don’t quit on your dreams. – tweet it.
First, ask yourself how you would feel if you didn’t reach this goal. At the end of your life, if you looked back, would you regret not going for it? Or would you really not care? This is a great barometer of whether you should push through. Often it’s just self doubt that is standing in our way, but sometimes we truly don’t want the goal anymore. If it’s the latter – then by all means quit now and move on.
If you would be disappointed to not have at least given it all you got, then try these four steps:
- Take a break. Go do something completely unrelated. Move your body, get out in nature, go out with friends, get a massage. Give your project and yourself a little room to breathe.
- Reconnect to the reason that you wanted to do this in the first place. Did you want to be healthier, travel more, spend more time with your family, serve your community? Whatever the impetus was to creating this goal, put it front and center. Write it out and keep it in a place that you can see it daily.
- Get social accountability. Ask a friend to hold you accountable, or let the world know what you’re up to. It’s way harder to tell other people that we didn’t actually do the work, we quit, we gave up, then it is for us to just know this ourselves.
- Bring more joy. There is always the opportunity to infuse lightness and fun into every moment. Challenge yourself to see exactly how ridiculously awesome you can make it.
You can totally do it! When you’re in the depths of the work, be gentle yet firm with yourself and continue to move forward.
What are your goals and why? Write them in the comments below and then revisit them if you lose your gusto to get them.
It’s 2014, let’s do this!
Love,
Briana Borten and everyone at The Dragontree
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I love meeting new people. Sometimes it is difficult for me to focus on what is actual in front of me though. My mind tends to go a thousand miles a minute and sometimes I miss things. As the Dragontree prepares to expand and pursue our mission of enabling others to become more peace, healthy, balanced human beings, I think being present in your circumstances is one of the most important things I can do.
Today I had the distinct pleasure of being able to assemble our Dragontree Boulder staff for a picnic in the sunny outdoors. It was such a wonderful time of team building and expanding our community. It blesses my heart so much to be able to see so many people that I have come to care about meeting each other for the first time and creating new relationships. It was wonderful to be able to take some time to pause and be present in the moment with my colleagues. As we gear up for The Dragontree’s grand opening, this is something that has been on my mind so much. In order to expand our mission of bringing peace to our community, we much first be present- in our relationships, in our neighborhoods, and where we work. Make eye contact, smile, say hello to someone new. By doing so, you can engage with others and and I hope you’ll join me in spreading the Dragontree’s mission of peace.
Want some more reasons to smile at a stranger? http://7reasons.org/2011/10/11/7-reasons-to-smile-at-a-stranger
Charity G. (Spa Director - The Dragontree Boulder)
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