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A few years ago, my wife and I were at a school meeting and the teacher, a seasoned elder, was telling the parents about the various challenges our kids were facing. As we concluded she said, “You’ve got great kids. The thing is . . .” She paused and seemed hesitant, and then set her jaw and continued, “Look, I don’t mean to offend anyone, and I hope you’ll take this the right way because it’s important. Your kids lack grit.” As she scanned our faces, I think she wanted to say that many of us adults lacked grit too.
We still have certain hardships today, but because life is undoubtedly easier for most people, it’s quite possible to live a normal lifespan with very little grit. Although this grit deficiency is widespread among modern people, the upside is that we generally have higher emotional intelligence than our ancestors did.
There’s a big difference between managing intense emotions because we’re emotionally intelligent versus being unaffected by emotions because we don’t feel them. Grit often goes along with emotional suppression, which was probably a more common coping mechanism in previous generations, in part because we just didn’t talk about our feelings much. The downside was a narrowed experience of life and lots of dysfunctional relationships.
My point is that what we call “grit” often comes at a high price. But grit and emotional intelligence aren’t mutually exclusive qualities. We can be tough without being shut down emotionally. In fact, the better we understand our emotional landscape, the more resilient we are, the healthier our supportive relationships are, and the less daunting it is to step out of our comfort zone.
The cultivation of both grit and emotional intelligence requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. When you think of a person with grit perhaps you imagine them sleeping on the ground, plodding through snow in order to deliver the mail, getting thrown off a horse and climbing back on, or having to use non-organic soymilk in their latte. (Soymilk is almost synonymous with grit, am I right? 😉)
We’d be best served with a combination of both qualities. Grit without emotional intelligence implies a person who can be tough and tenacious, but won’t get to fully experience the journey and rewards of whatever they invest their grit into pursuing. As for emotional intelligence without grit, a person may fully understand what they’re feeling but be unable to stand up to their emotions when they threaten to take over, nor to stand up and say what needs to be said in order to clear the air, maintain integrity, and honor their boundaries.
One silver lining of this pandemic is that I've seen more emotionally intelligent grit in people than ever. It takes grit to make do with shortages of food and toilet paper, to find ways to get our kids educated when schools are closed, to figure out how to make ends meet when our jobs and businesses disappear, and to change our behaviors to reduce the spread of a contagious disease. The emotional intelligence aspect is not letting our fear be the driver, instead being guided in all our adaptations by homing in on what's most important. For instance: family, community, service, vibrant health, kindness, and ecology. It
means honoring the choice that mere survival isn’t enough.
This brings us to the crux of emotionally intelligent grit, which is that having a higher purpose is essential. Without it, we adapt without heart. To me, a high purpose always implies an intention that goes beyond personal gain. It inspires the willingness to be uncomfortable as we develop and maintain these muscles, and the world is made better by this sacrifice.
Be well, and not too comfortable,
Peter
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This time last year we were in the midst of the covid crisis, a race crisis, and an intense presidential race. I wrote that a good plan and a strong foundation in your values and purpose would help you feel more stable, clear, and capable of navigating upcoming uncertainty. (And I explained how the Dreambook is an ideal tool for this.)
A year later, circumstances are a bit different, but my message hasn’t changed. Even if covid and climate change were gone, uncertainty is always a constant. So, while it’s impossible to know what the next moment will bring, who you are is a variable you can control.
The Dreambook began from my and Briana’s desire to create a life organization system that helps people prioritize wellness and personal growth. But as we began writing it, we realized that the system needed to begin with orienting users to their true selves. Your plans will be limited if you don’t know what your starting point is, what kind of potential you have, and what your “soul drives” are.
So the book opens with questions designed to illuminate…
- who you are
- where you are in life
- what kind of person you want to be
- what’s most important to you
- what gives you satisfaction
- the gifts, values, and purpose you’re here to share
- what growth might look like
Besides filling out this part of the Dreambook, I encourage you to meditate on who you would be if you had no fear, if there were no judgment (from others or yourself), and if you had unlimited grace, strength, patience, vision, wisdom, kindness, and love at your disposal. Who would you be if you let your Highest Self sit in the driver’s seat?
Clarify this image of yourself. Write about it. Visualize it. When you remember, and especially in challenging moments, ask yourself, “How would Highest Self behave in this situation?” Embody this essence to the best of your ability. You don’t have to be a saint; just remember and trust in what’s possible for you, and steer gently in that direction.
The rest of the Dreambook is about helping you to live as this best version of yourself. Follow the prompts to check in throughout the week and each day. Schedule your life in a way that honors the insights you discovered through the self-awareness processes. Every day is full of opportunities to demonstrate that you ARE your Highest Self.
There’s no way to get around the fact that the next moment is always uncertain, but you can reside in the certainty of who you choose to be. This essential work will yield a palpable experience of self-trust that means a tremendous amount in a topsy-turvy world.
Be well,
Peter
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An old tai ji quan (tai chi) teacher of mine used to say, "Yi dao ... qi dao ... li dao," which roughly means the focus of your mind (yi dao) dictates the way your energy moves (qi dao) which dictates the expression of your power. (This utterance came mostly when he noticed that I was looking distracted.) In other words, the ability to effectively direct your power is founded in the ability to effectively focus your mind.
Mental focus, known as yi, is one of the five aspects of consciousness defined in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). Each of the five is considered to be associated with a particular part of the body, and the yi corresponds with the digestive system. In a way digestion is a kind of inner focus. When food enters the body, the digestive tract focuses its attention on it – breaking it down to its elemental parts, extracting what’s useful, and absorbing it. It makes sense that we use the word “digest” to speak about processing and assimilating a new or challenging idea or experience.
Disruption of the digestive system frequently goes hand in hand with poor mental focus. The most common example is Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder in people who have a poor diet and/or erratic food intake and/or food sensitivities and/or gut imbalances.
There are two main patterns of digestive imbalance as it relates to mental function. The first is poor assimilation of the vital nutrients in our food, leading to a state of deficiency and a “malnourished mind.” The second is the development of phlegm, which makes us cloudy-headed and may further impede the assimilation of nutrients. The Chinese medical use of the word "phlegm" here denotes a much broader concept than simple mucus. Phlegm is anything that impedes our flow or accumulates in us but serves no functional purpose, such as plaques, cysts, excess body fat, or any other similarly tenacious “gunk” in our system. It may be tangible or intangible, and it doesn't go away easily.
Phlegm can form as a byproduct of impaired digestion. Sometimes it develops when we’re exposed to foods that irritate the body – similar to how an oyster secretes pearl material when it’s irritated by a grain of sand. Other times it develops because something else disturbs the digestive process (such as trying to digest too much mental material while trying to digest food, or eating while the eating, nervous system is activated by stress), leading to incomplete assimilation of nutrients and excretion of waste.
TCM’s notion of a digestive origin for mental disturbances is shared by Ayurveda, the traditional medical system of India, which goes so far as to say that all health problems originate in the gut. Recently these millennia-old concepts have been corroborated through our emerging understanding of the gut-brain axis – the complex interplay between the gastrointestinal tract, its microbial population, and the central nervous system.
Let’s look at some ways we can improve digestion for better mental health.
- Choose nutrient-dense foods. Support high-quality thinking with high-quality nourishment: fresh vegetables, nuts and seeds, clean proteins (free range omega-3 eggs, organic grass-fed dairy products, sustainably grown oily fish, small amounts of pasture raised meat), whole fruits, and a little whole grain. Limit your intake of fried foods, sweetened foods, and flour.
- Avoid foods you’re sensitive to. One of the most common symptoms of eating a food that’s incompatible with your system is lower energy and less-sharp thinking. Keep a food journal and track of any foods you don’t thrive on. If it’s hard to determine, consider doing an elimination diet or elemental diet (powdered, hypoallergenic meal replacement) to clean out and then systematically reintroduce foods.
- Eat in a slow, relaxed, conscious way. Unlike filling up your gas tank, which you want to be as fast as possible, eating isn’t merely a “fill up” – it’s also a way to tune in, to savor, to be grateful, and to consciously nourish your mind-body. There can be a vast qualitative difference between a rushed meal you barely pay attention to versus one you enjoy to the fullest. Get media out of the eating space. Set your stresses aside. Stay connected to the act of eating.
- Stop eating before you’re full. Stop eating before you’re full. Stop eating before you’re full.
- Try bitters. Bitter digestive-stimulating herbs have the dual effect of toning the digestive tract and clearing toxins and phlegm. Bitters as cocktail mixers are experiencing a surge of popularity, so there are more blends available than ever. I recommend a mixture of pure bitters such as gentian, rhubarb root, myrrh, Peruvian bark, goldenseal, yellow dock, barberry, or Oregon grape root with some aromatic carminative spices (promoting assimilation), such as citrus peel, anise, fennel, caraway, cardamom, or ginger. Take a squirt before and/or after each meal in a little water.
- Move a little after meals. A walk is perfect. This helps promote assimilation.
- If you need extra support, consider a good digestive enzyme blend. These supplement what your pancreas produces (and won’t cause your body to produce less) and help in the breakdown of food for better absorption. There are many good products out there. Two of my favorites are DigestZymes made by Designs for Health and Digest made by Transformation Enzymes. Take some at the beginning of each meal. Sometimes they make a remarkable difference.
Interestingly, the connection between digestion and mental function works both ways. Not only can impaired digestion contribute to diminished cognitive function, mental and emotional disturbances can also contribute to poor digestion. Worry, in particular, is considered taxing to the digestive mechanisms in TCM because it habitually engages the digestive mechanisms as you “chew” on problems. If you can make mealtimes a ritual in which you always take a break from thinking about stressful things, you’ll not only enjoy your food more, you’ll also derive greater benefit from it.
Be well,
Peter
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A few years ago, my wife and I were at a school meeting and the teacher, a seasoned elder, was telling the parents about the various challenges our kids were facing. As we concluded she said, “You’ve got great kids. The thing is . . .” She paused and seemed hesitant, and then set her jaw and continued, “Look, I don’t mean to offend anyone, and I hope you’ll take this the right way because it’s important. Your kids lack grit.” As she scanned our faces, I think she wanted to say that many of us adults lacked grit too.
We still have certain hardships today, but because life is undoubtedly easier for most people, it’s quite possible to live a normal lifespan with very little grit. Although this grit deficiency is widespread among modern people, the upside is that we generally have higher emotional intelligence than our ancestors did.
There’s a big difference between managing intense emotions because we’re emotionally intelligent versus being unaffected by emotions because we don’t feel them. Grit often goes along with emotional suppression, which was probably a more common coping mechanism in previous generations, in part because we just didn’t talk about our feelings much. The downside was a narrowed experience of life and lots of dysfunctional relationships.
My point is that what we call “grit” often comes at a high price. But grit and emotional intelligence aren’t mutually exclusive qualities. We can be tough without being shut down emotionally. In fact, the better we understand our emotional landscape, the more resilient we are, the healthier our supportive relationships are, and the less daunting it is to step out of our comfort zone.
The cultivation of both grit and emotional intelligence requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. When you think of a person with grit perhaps you imagine them sleeping on the ground, plodding through snow in order to deliver the mail, getting thrown off a horse and climbing back on, or having to use non-organic soymilk in their latte. (Soymilk is almost synonymous with grit, am I right? 😉)
We’d be best served with a combination of both qualities. Grit without emotional intelligence implies a person who can be tough and tenacious, but won’t get to fully experience the journey and rewards of whatever they invest their grit into pursuing. As for emotional intelligence without grit, a person may fully understand what they’re feeling but be unable to stand up to their emotions when they threaten to take over, nor to stand up and say what needs to be said in order to clear the air, maintain integrity, and honor their boundaries.
One silver lining of this pandemic is that I've seen more emotionally intelligent grit in people than ever. It takes grit to make do with shortages of food and toilet paper, to find ways to get our kids educated when schools are closed, to figure out how to make ends meet when our jobs and businesses disappear, and to change our behaviors to reduce the spread of a contagious disease. The emotional intelligence aspect is not letting our fear be the driver, instead being guided in all our adaptations by homing in on what's most important. For instance: family, community, service, vibrant health, kindness, and ecology. It
means honoring the choice that mere survival isn’t enough.
This brings us to the crux of emotionally intelligent grit, which is that having a higher purpose is essential. Without it, we adapt without heart. To me, a high purpose always implies an intention that goes beyond personal gain. It inspires the willingness to be uncomfortable as we develop and maintain these muscles, and the world is made better by this sacrifice.
Be well, and not too comfortable,
Peter
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