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During a particularly hard break-up in my 20s, a friend advised me, “The more present you are during this process, the bigger the present you’ll get out of it.” And though I barely understood what that meant, I gave it a try and an odd thing happened. I saw that I was choosing the big, dramatic grieving process I was going through. And that meant it was optional.
In The Art of Presence, Eckhart Tolle says, “Through thought you cannot possibly grasp what presence is.” But he gives some clues to point us in the right direction. He says it’s there, “when you’re not thinking about the last moment, or looking to the next one.” And he uses phrases like “a state of relaxed alertness” and “a spacious stillness,” to describe it.
Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.”
Our presence is tremendously rare and hugely valuable. Especially in this age of epidemic distraction, it’s increasingly difficult and uncommon to choose a voluntary time-out from technology, data, and our own mental analysis. But unlike the artificial value of a coin that accidentally got stamped with a head on both sides, our presence can do for us what nothing else can. And we can make it more abundant by simply choosing it.
Although it may not put food in our belly, most other problems disappear with presence. The need to fix or relive the past disappears. The need to avoid certain unwanted events in the future disappears. Even if we're working on something now that will benefit us in the future, with our presence, we work on it now in order to work on it now. And that’s enough.
The allure of distraction, which so often threatens our presence, dissolves when we practice being present. Do you know the word obviate? I like to write using words that almost everyone understands, but there’s only one word I can think of that means “to make unnecessary,” and that word is obviate. Learning to deepen our presence obviates the urge for distraction and mental departure from our current reality.
With presence, we perceive all kinds of intelligence and detail that we’re otherwise deaf and blind to. We know when to eat and when to stop eating. We know how to move our body in a way that doesn’t cause pain or injury. Our work becomes more interesting. Our relationships become healthier. We listen better and we feel heard.
With two kids, my presence is requested almost incessantly. I hear the word Papa at least 100 times a day. Often, I hear it ten or more times in quick succession. We all yearn for someone’s total presence with us. These are the moments of connection between what is the same in both of us. Presence uncovers what’s real in this moment. And that’s refreshing, exciting, and affirming.
When we’re all so busy that we see time as a commodity, it can seem that giving our presence to someone else is like giving away our treasure. But are we actually giving something away?
Of course not. When we “give” our presence we gain the present. To withhold our presence means both we and the other person miss out.
So, how can you learn to be more present? It takes practice. If you’re new to this, I don’t recommend making a goal like, “I’m going to be more present from now on.” I don’t want to discourage you, I just want you to be realistic about what you’re up against – a lifetime of habits and a sea of tantalizing distractions.
Try something a bit less ambitious, such as this: Once a day, as you begin some activity – whether it’s buying groceries, playing Candyland, eating a meal, and listening to a friend’s problems – select this activity as an exercise in presence. In your mind, identify what exactly you’re doing – “I’m vacuuming the floor” – and devote yourself to that. Don’t run away in the middle of the activity. This means don’t pick up your phone, don’t depart in your mind to explore other thoughts and ideas, don’t visit the past, don’t anticipate what’s next, don’t judge. Just dwell in the present. Be saturated by the present. Feel everything. Accept everything. And let each next moment come.
Over time, quicker than you might think, you’ll start regaining your attention. You’ll be able to focus on something for more than five seconds. You’ll begin to yearn for this, which will make your practice much easier. And as you start willingly selecting more and more moments to be completely present, you’ll experience an unending offering of presents.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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Previously I wrote about how community is like medicine. Our circle of fellow humans goes through this amazing journey with us . . . encouraging us, witnessing us, screaming with us on the roller coasters, and holding our hand when we take our last breath. My orientation in that article was toward what community can do for us, but it’s at least as important to look at what we can do for our community.
I was reading about a Native American grief ritual described by Black Elk, and while the ritual itself was interesting, what stuck with me was his assertion that long-held grief isn’t good for a person or the community to which that person belongs. That is, when someone is mired in suffering, this can have a negative impact on their community.
You can probably think of plenty of examples where a glaring state of imbalance, such as rage or terror, could result in behaviors that are detrimental to others. But the effects of less dramatic, often chronic negative states are subtler. What happens – besides their own discomfort – when a person is trapped in depression, anxiety, or grief for years? One repercussion is that they have a diminished capacity to fully show up in their community. We might think, “Well, the community doesn’t really need me to be at my best,” but imagine going to a place where almost everyone was depressed, afraid, or angry. Such places do exist, of course, and you can feel it as a palpable mass degradation of the human spirit.
These days we may feel that we don’t have any real obligation to our community, which is so different from how humans have operated for most of our history. Today community may be seen as an entirely optional part of life. We can live in near isolation while anonymous members of our community manage the utilities that provide us with power, water, and internet, take away our garbage, maintain our roads, even deliver our groceries. It feels like independence, but in truth we’re more dependent than ever on an infrastructure other humans maintain – we just don’t know who those humans are.
We’ve lost our sense of responsibility to our community. It’s due in part to the feeling that our government is huge, remote, and corrupt. But if our response is to disengage, the situation can only get worse. If anything, the sense of disconnection from our elected representatives and neighbors should magnify the need to do what we can to make a positive difference. It’s not just an obligation, it’s also an opportunity. If we can recognize and accept that our quality of presence affects others, this may inspire us to be our best selves. And it’s not just a matter of what we do but also who we are and how we are. Becoming fundamentally well inside helps heal the community. Imagine how healthily a community of fundamentally well people manages challenges.
If you’ve been struggling, I don’t mean to make you feel guilty as well; that won’t help you or your community. Rather than focusing on the negative impact your unwellness might have on your community, consider that getting well is good for you and it’s good for your community. Sometimes it’s easier to do it for others than for yourself.
Years ago, I read A Course in Miracles with friends. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a book on spiritual awakening with a section of scripture and a year-long workbook of daily lessons. It’s not for everyone, but I gained some valuable insights from going through it. One of those insights occurred when I encountered this passage: “Lesson 66: My happiness and my function are one.”
Whereas I had tended to think of my happiness as a personal thing – sometimes even a selfish thing – this spiritual book was telling me that being happy (true, causeless happiness) is one of the greatest things I can do for the world. As I meditated on it, I saw clearly that the happy people I’ve known were like lights in every setting they entered. Without even intending it, they had a therapeutic effect on everyone they encountered. Not only did they tend to uplift those around them, in an unspoken way they communicated that this is a possibility for you, too. Happiness is a perspective, a choice. If I can choose it, you can choose it.
Being happy makes us more peaceful, compassionate, and creative. It gives us the freedom to see a bigger picture, rather than focusing on what’s wrong or bad. Even just one happy person in a room full of scared people can change the whole atmosphere – and the choices that community makes.
So I encourage you to consider this week:
- Who am I and what role do I play in my various communities?
- How have I been affected by the genuinely happy people I’ve known?
- What do I believe stands between me and being one of those happy people?
- What happens when I make a conscious choice of how I’m going to show up in a given setting?
- When I give, what do I receive?
- How do I feel when I put myself in service to others?
- Where could I dedicate myself to more actively resolve any unhealthy patterns of thought, communication, or behavior?
- How will I be different as I heal, and how will I affect my community differently as I release my baggage?
- When will I choose happiness?
Be well,
Peter
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An old tai ji quan (tai chi) teacher of mine used to say, "Yi dao ... qi dao ... li dao," which roughly means the focus of your mind (yi dao) dictates the way your energy moves (qi dao) which dictates the expression of your power. (This utterance came mostly when he noticed that I was looking distracted.) In other words, the ability to effectively direct your power is founded in the ability to effectively focus your mind.
Mental focus, known as yi, is one of the five aspects of consciousness defined in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). Each of the five is considered to be associated with a particular part of the body, and the yi corresponds with the digestive system. In a way digestion is a kind of inner focus. When food enters the body, the digestive tract focuses its attention on it – breaking it down to its elemental parts, extracting what’s useful, and absorbing it. It makes sense that we use the word “digest” to speak about processing and assimilating a new or challenging idea or experience.
Disruption of the digestive system frequently goes hand in hand with poor mental focus. The most common example is Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder in people who have a poor diet and/or erratic food intake and/or food sensitivities and/or gut imbalances.
There are two main patterns of digestive imbalance as it relates to mental function. The first is poor assimilation of the vital nutrients in our food, leading to a state of deficiency and a “malnourished mind.” The second is the development of phlegm, which makes us cloudy-headed and may further impede the assimilation of nutrients. The Chinese medical use of the word "phlegm" here denotes a much broader concept than simple mucus. Phlegm is anything that impedes our flow or accumulates in us but serves no functional purpose, such as plaques, cysts, excess body fat, or any other similarly tenacious “gunk” in our system. It may be tangible or intangible, and it doesn't go away easily.
Phlegm can form as a byproduct of impaired digestion. Sometimes it develops when we’re exposed to foods that irritate the body – similar to how an oyster secretes pearl material when it’s irritated by a grain of sand. Other times it develops because something else disturbs the digestive process (such as trying to digest too much mental material while trying to digest food, or eating while the eating, nervous system is activated by stress), leading to incomplete assimilation of nutrients and excretion of waste.
TCM’s notion of a digestive origin for mental disturbances is shared by Ayurveda, the traditional medical system of India, which goes so far as to say that all health problems originate in the gut. Recently these millennia-old concepts have been corroborated through our emerging understanding of the gut-brain axis – the complex interplay between the gastrointestinal tract, its microbial population, and the central nervous system.
Let’s look at some ways we can improve digestion for better mental health.
- Choose nutrient-dense foods. Support high-quality thinking with high-quality nourishment: fresh vegetables, nuts and seeds, clean proteins (free range omega-3 eggs, organic grass-fed dairy products, sustainably grown oily fish, small amounts of pasture raised meat), whole fruits, and a little whole grain. Limit your intake of fried foods, sweetened foods, and flour.
- Avoid foods you’re sensitive to. One of the most common symptoms of eating a food that’s incompatible with your system is lower energy and less-sharp thinking. Keep a food journal and track of any foods you don’t thrive on. If it’s hard to determine, consider doing an elimination diet or elemental diet (powdered, hypoallergenic meal replacement) to clean out and then systematically reintroduce foods.
- Eat in a slow, relaxed, conscious way. Unlike filling up your gas tank, which you want to be as fast as possible, eating isn’t merely a “fill up” – it’s also a way to tune in, to savor, to be grateful, and to consciously nourish your mind-body. There can be a vast qualitative difference between a rushed meal you barely pay attention to versus one you enjoy to the fullest. Get media out of the eating space. Set your stresses aside. Stay connected to the act of eating.
- Stop eating before you’re full. Stop eating before you’re full. Stop eating before you’re full.
- Try bitters. Bitter digestive-stimulating herbs have the dual effect of toning the digestive tract and clearing toxins and phlegm. Bitters as cocktail mixers are experiencing a surge of popularity, so there are more blends available than ever. I recommend a mixture of pure bitters such as gentian, rhubarb root, myrrh, Peruvian bark, goldenseal, yellow dock, barberry, or Oregon grape root with some aromatic carminative spices (promoting assimilation), such as citrus peel, anise, fennel, caraway, cardamom, or ginger. Take a squirt before and/or after each meal in a little water.
- Move a little after meals. A walk is perfect. This helps promote assimilation.
- If you need extra support, consider a good digestive enzyme blend. These supplement what your pancreas produces (and won’t cause your body to produce less) and help in the breakdown of food for better absorption. There are many good products out there. Two of my favorites are DigestZymes made by Designs for Health and Digest made by Transformation Enzymes. Take some at the beginning of each meal. Sometimes they make a remarkable difference.
Interestingly, the connection between digestion and mental function works both ways. Not only can impaired digestion contribute to diminished cognitive function, mental and emotional disturbances can also contribute to poor digestion. Worry, in particular, is considered taxing to the digestive mechanisms in TCM because it habitually engages the digestive mechanisms as you “chew” on problems. If you can make mealtimes a ritual in which you always take a break from thinking about stressful things, you’ll not only enjoy your food more, you’ll also derive greater benefit from it.
Be well,
Peter
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During a particularly hard break-up in my 20s, a friend advised me, “The more present you are during this process, the bigger the present you’ll get out of it.” And though I barely understood what that meant, I gave it a try and an odd thing happened. I saw that I was choosing the big, dramatic grieving process I was going through. And that meant it was optional.
In The Art of Presence, Eckhart Tolle says, “Through thought you cannot possibly grasp what presence is.” But he gives some clues to point us in the right direction. He says it’s there, “when you’re not thinking about the last moment, or looking to the next one.” And he uses phrases like “a state of relaxed alertness” and “a spacious stillness,” to describe it.
Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.”
Our presence is tremendously rare and hugely valuable. Especially in this age of epidemic distraction, it’s increasingly difficult and uncommon to choose a voluntary time-out from technology, data, and our own mental analysis. But unlike the artificial value of a coin that accidentally got stamped with a head on both sides, our presence can do for us what nothing else can. And we can make it more abundant by simply choosing it.
Although it may not put food in our belly, most other problems disappear with presence. The need to fix or relive the past disappears. The need to avoid certain unwanted events in the future disappears. Even if we're working on something now that will benefit us in the future, with our presence, we work on it now in order to work on it now. And that’s enough.
The allure of distraction, which so often threatens our presence, dissolves when we practice being present. Do you know the word obviate? I like to write using words that almost everyone understands, but there’s only one word I can think of that means “to make unnecessary,” and that word is obviate. Learning to deepen our presence obviates the urge for distraction and mental departure from our current reality.
With presence, we perceive all kinds of intelligence and detail that we’re otherwise deaf and blind to. We know when to eat and when to stop eating. We know how to move our body in a way that doesn’t cause pain or injury. Our work becomes more interesting. Our relationships become healthier. We listen better and we feel heard.
With two kids, my presence is requested almost incessantly. I hear the word Papa at least 100 times a day. Often, I hear it ten or more times in quick succession. We all yearn for someone’s total presence with us. These are the moments of connection between what is the same in both of us. Presence uncovers what’s real in this moment. And that’s refreshing, exciting, and affirming.
When we’re all so busy that we see time as a commodity, it can seem that giving our presence to someone else is like giving away our treasure. But are we actually giving something away?
Of course not. When we “give” our presence we gain the present. To withhold our presence means both we and the other person miss out.
So, how can you learn to be more present? It takes practice. If you’re new to this, I don’t recommend making a goal like, “I’m going to be more present from now on.” I don’t want to discourage you, I just want you to be realistic about what you’re up against – a lifetime of habits and a sea of tantalizing distractions.
Try something a bit less ambitious, such as this: Once a day, as you begin some activity – whether it’s buying groceries, playing Candyland, eating a meal, and listening to a friend’s problems – select this activity as an exercise in presence. In your mind, identify what exactly you’re doing – “I’m vacuuming the floor” – and devote yourself to that. Don’t run away in the middle of the activity. This means don’t pick up your phone, don’t depart in your mind to explore other thoughts and ideas, don’t visit the past, don’t anticipate what’s next, don’t judge. Just dwell in the present. Be saturated by the present. Feel everything. Accept everything. And let each next moment come.
Over time, quicker than you might think, you’ll start regaining your attention. You’ll be able to focus on something for more than five seconds. You’ll begin to yearn for this, which will make your practice much easier. And as you start willingly selecting more and more moments to be completely present, you’ll experience an unending offering of presents.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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