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When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
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Last week I wrote about the theory of homeopathy. Homeopathy is the practice of prescribing specially prepared homeopathic remedies made from extremely dilute natural substances. In many cases, a remedy is used to treat the symptoms that a larger dose of the same substance would cause. For instance, chopping onions may cause redness, burning and tearing of the eyes, and a runny nose. A homeopathic preparation of onion (Allium cepa) is used to treat these conditions, such as when they occur due to a cold or allergies.
Today I want to clarify some points and explore homeopathy’s conundrum. First, since people sometimes confuse the terms, homeopathic is different than holistic, which refers to any treatment that aims to consider and support the whole individual. Acupuncture and naturopathic medicine are examples of holistic systems, though most acupuncturists don’t practice homeopathy, and homeopathy is usually a relatively small fraction of what most naturopathic physicians do.
Second, most of the scientific community believes homeopathy is pseudoscience and no more effective than a placebo. Indeed, there are numerous studies that invalidate homeopathy. Advocates of homeopathy point out that the unfavorable studies involve giving subjects a homeopathic remedy matched to a particular symptom or medical condition without utilizing the specificity that’s essential in effective homeopathic diagnosis. Homeopaths contend that when a remedy is matched not only to the dominant symptoms, but the whole picture of the individual, the rate of success is much higher.
As I said in the last article, I’ve witnessed many cases in which homeopathy did nothing useful – though at least it was entirely harmless and without side effects – and I have also witnessed cases in which it was remarkably effective. Could it have been a placebo effect? Sure. But if it was “merely” a placebo effect, it was a profound placebo effect: a perfect medicine that was entirely beneficial, painless to administer, palatable, with zero downside. One should be asking, “How can we reproduce this?”
Homeopathy is vastly popular around the world. Its use is especially prevalent in France, Italy, India, Switzerland, Mexico, Germany, England, and the U.S. 29% of the EU population uses homeopathy on a daily basis. About half of Germans have used homeopathic medicines and about 70% say they are satisfied with its effects.1 History shows us that sheer number of adherents doesn’t make something correct or morally right, but we’re smarter than ever and have more options.
So, what’s going on here? Why do so many people use it if it’s a sham? Well, there are two possibilities. 1) The thousands of practitioners and roughly 200 million people who use homeopathy on a regular basis are fooling themselves. They think homeopathy is useful but it’s just a placebo and/or wishful thinking. Or 2) There is actual benefit to homeopathy which can’t be substantiated by current science and is not accurately reflected by the research.
Trust me, as a scientist, it’s hard to understand its validity, but I also know what I’ve seen. Are there other systems of medicine with higher rates of success? Probably. To be frank, it is not my go-to modality except for a small number of conditions for which I consistently get good results with homeopathic remedies. However, I’m a mediocre homeopath and I have more training and skill in other forms of medicine.
But when it works, it works. And I have seen cases where several medicines were tried but only the homeopathic one succeeded, including numerous instances in which the patient was highly skeptical of homeopathy. If it were a placebo effect, why would the other medicines not have produced a benefit equal to that of homeopathy? Why would a skeptical patient have a placebo effect when the basis for a placebo response is an expectation of benefit? Should science have the ability to invalidate someone’s subjective experience of benefit?
I don’t have the answers to these questions. I know some incredibly intelligent doctors who practice homeopathy, and I have seen it and them derided by the medical mainstream. Skeptics’ concern, they say, is that people might not get effective medical help because they’re using homeopathics instead. I agree that if someone isn’t getting a benefit from a chosen medical modality, it might be useful to consider other options. I also believe it’s everyone’s right to manage their health in whatever way they wish – even if it hastens their demise. For perspective, it’s important to note that, according to a recent Johns Hopkins study, 250,000 Americans die each year due to medical errors, making mainstream medicine the third leading cause of death after heart disease and cancer. I have seen people killed by mainstream medical treatments. A modality’s safety is no small thing.
While there are plenty of people who are averse to biomedicine, we tend to treat the mainstream with a greater degree of respect than is extended to alternative fields. For instance, when we hear that a particular drug or procedure doesn’t work, most people conclude that this particular intervention wasn’t effective. We don’t say, “Well, biomedicine doesn’t work.” In contrast, when an alternative medicine fails to benefit a certain condition, a common conclusion is that the entire modality is worthless. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen an author cite a single failed acupuncture study as proof that acupuncture is bunk. It’s an unfortunate reflection of the tendency for the mainstream to squash its rivals, even when they don’t truly threaten it.
It's important, therefore, that we all keep our eyes wide open and practice critical thinking (and not just when it comes to medicine). Be your own advocate, trust your intuition, listen to your body, and don’t assume that just because someone has a degree they know what’s right for you.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
- https://www.hri-research.org/resources/essentialevidence/use-of-homeopathy-across-the-world/ ; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regulation_and_prevalence_of_homeopathy ; https://homeopathyeurope.org/
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No matter where you are on your journey, the Dragontree candle collection offers an inspiring tool to help light the way. Our new candles are thoughtfully designed and hand-crafted with intention and quality ingredients.
We. Love. Candles. As owners of spas and teachers of ritual, we go through a LOT of candles. Think of a big number and multiply it by a zillion – that’s how many candles we burn. A day.
There are plenty of things we love about candles, but the central reason we use them is to bring the Fire Element into our space.
From the beginning of recorded time, fire has been a powerful symbol and a central part of our lives. Our relationship to it is embedded deep in our collective consciousness.
Fire’s light and warmth has long been a source of comfort and safety, and has been used to initiate rituals, to carry prayers, to promote transformation, to celebrate our connection with each other, and to remember and honor the light of awareness that unites us and transcends the mundane.
For millennia we tended fires and gazed into flames on a daily basis, which facilitated a gentle meditative state in which we readily let go of our troubles and became realigned. Deprived of that routine, we find ourselves habitually staring at glowing screens instead . . . an inferior replacement that tends to have the opposite effect on us.
The moment we light a candle, it shifts our consciousness. It takes us out of the whirlwind and brings us back into the present moment.
Every detail of our Dragontree candles was painstakingly considered to ensure they’d be inspiring, supportive, and simply the best candles we’ve ever used.
Why they’re so great:
- Made with 100% beeswax
- Higher melting point so they emit the cleanest, brightest flame
- Cleanest burning wax produces no soot or toxic chemicals
- Releases negative ions into the air, helps purify and elevate sacred spaces
- The dense composition of beeswax burns slower and lasts longer than other candles
- Individually hand poured by craftspeople in Cape Cod.
- Presented in a luxurious box with gold foil lettering – perfect for gifting
- Made with natural essential oils for an aromatherapeutic – but never overpowering or perfumy – experience
- Poured in beautiful glass vessels imprinted with an affirmation
- Vessels can be reused as an elegant pen holder, vase, or a hundred other uses
- Ethically and sustainably created
- No dyes, additives, or parabens
- 3"D x 3.5"H
- 8 oz.
- Up to 50 hours burn time
- Made in the USA
Why not paraffin, soy, or palm wax?
Paraffin is a byproduct of the petroleum industry, and burning paraffin candles releases toxic compounds into your living space, including known carcinogens. Soy wax comes from soybeans, 96% of which are genetically modified to tolerate application of the pesticide Roundup. We don’t want to contribute to the soy industry and its ecological impacts. Palm wax comes from palm plantations which require massive-scale deforestation, endangering orangutans and other species, and contributing to climate change. Beeswax, in contrast, requires raising millions of healthy bees, which pollinate our crops and are a vital link in the ecosystem.
You Are Sacred
This elegant and soulful candle comes in a glossy black tumbler that is imprinted with a simple but powerful reminder: You Are Sacred. We know how easy it is for this crazy human ride to make you forget, to make you feel small and powerless. But that’s not who you really are. Remember? You Are Sacred. You are an expression of your Highest Self. You are a conscious creator. You can choose in every moment how to embody this sacredness. Light it daily before meditation, journaling, setting an intention, starting your day, or anytime you need some sacred space to get through a negative experience.
The spicy, earthy notes of Cardamon, Vetiver, and Cedarwood mix with the bright, clear scent of Cypress and Pine, and the addition of Amyris highlights the soft woodsy aroma with the slightest hint of sweetness. This custom scent was blended to foster a calm sense of wellbeing and connect you to the sacred spaces found in nature .
Our You Are Sacred candle makes a thoughtful gift for loved ones to show them you recognize their scaredness and want to be a part of their challenges, healing, and growth.
Be The Light
This bright and joyful candle is hand poured into a reflective white glass vessel and speaks to a powerful choice that is always available: “Be The Light” in noble gold lettering. This simple, yet life-changing statement reminds you there is a light within and your job is to let it shine into the world. Just as one candle can be used to light another, your light – pouring through your heart, your smile, your hands, giving purpose to your every task – sparks the light in others.
Be The Light means not just shining outward, but also inward. In order to be effective beacons in the world, we must not withhold light from any part of ourselves. Being the light means accepting and integrating all that we are. In a world with plenty of darkness, there is no service greater than being an embodiment of light, uplifting those around you and affirming that lightness is their true nature.
The fresh, cleansing fragrance of Sage and Pine blends artfully with soothing notes of Lavender and Vanilla and creates a sensory experience that supports emotional balance, blocks negative energies, and purifies your sacred space.
Brighten someone’s day by gifting them this lovely affirmation. It serves as a daily prompt and lets them know that you recognize their light and are warmed and inspired by knowing them.
Click here to check out our new candles!
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When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
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