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I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about the prevalence of life coaches and other professionals who aim to guide others toward reaching their goals or finding psycho-spiritual wellness. He was feeling concerned that there has been a certain commodification of personal growth. While I agreed that this is one facet of how we’ve treated personal growth, I believe that on the whole the notion that we can change who we are has been good for us.
The fundamental issue is that humans suffer. We feel overwhelmed, lost, fearful, confused, alone, angry, sad, etc. This suffering has been compounded by a trend toward disconnection from our foundations. Overall, humans have less of an everyday connection to nature, spirituality, and other humans than in the past. So, there has always been a need for help, and this need has become more acute recently.
Meanwhile, there has also been a trend in the last several decades toward more open discussion on the human psyche, spirit, and potential. We’re freer than ever to speak about our thoughts and feelings, and we explore perspectives from other cultures. We’re more willing than previous generations to see things in a new way, update our customs, change careers, and become someone different than we’ve been. Thus, more than ever we have people who feel a calling to assist others in these ways. Do they deserve to be compensated for their help? I say yes.
The ubiquity of such helpers is a good thing. There are a lot of people needing help. Further, the prevalence of such guides has made everyone up their game. No longer is an exotic outfit or accent qualification enough to be a guru. Consumers are more savvy. And a wonderful byproduct of the expansion of the personal growth field is that it’s not limited to a particular socioeconomic class. There is an incredible abundance of free and cheap resources out there – articles, podcasts, books, videos, and support groups.
If you are able to work one-on-one with a coach you resonate with, there are lots of good reasons to do it:
Accountability: Often we don’t hold ourselves accountable for what we say we’re going to do and who we say we want to be. Having someone else to track us and remind us to stay on course is often all it takes for us to follow through.
Wisdom: A great coach has learned some things, and many can tap into a repository of wisdom that goes well beyond their personal experience.
Holding Space: A good coach knows how to hold a container in which their clients can safely experience whatever they’re struggling with, explore and unravel their challenges, and find their way to healing, growth, and evolution.
Seeing Your Patterns of Dysfunction: One of the most useful functions a coach can serve is pointing out what you can’t see, like the way you keep sabotaging good jobs, or how to don’t maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. We can’t fix what we don’t see.
Seeing Your Light: Often we have no problem seeing what’s “wrong” with us; the real hurdle is seeing what’s right. A good coach is there to point out your gifts, your value, your potential, and all the ways you’re managing with grace.
Hand Holding: While this is a role many a good friend has performed, it’s another thing coaches can do for us. Sometimes we know where we want to go, we know what we need to do, but we just feel intimidated. Having someone hold our hand through it may feel like a silly thing to ask for, but if it gets us to do what we’re here to do, it’s an invaluable service.
Wishing you the guide who will coax out your greatness,
Peter
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When building with wood, I spent years trying to figure everything out by myself before it finally occurred to me that a book might be helpful. I found one with lots of pretty pictures and I turned to the section on saws. I was curious to see what kind of advice a book might offer beyond pushing and pulling the saw back and forth. There I came across an unexpected piece of advice: Think the saw down the line.
Sure, the book discussed examining the teeth of the saw, holding it at the right angle, keeping your elbow in close to your side, and other practical stuff. But here was this oddly magical recommendation in a book on wood. The writer went on to explain that generations of woodworkers have done this, and that he was passing it on because it just plain works. The idea is, rather than focusing on manipulating the saw, you focus on the line and use your intention to will the saw to follow it.
It might have sounded crazier if I hadn’t heard of a similar approach to golf. While not exactly known as a sport dominated by new agey thinkers, many golfers do step into woo-woo territory if they think it will help their game. The most common of such practices is visualizing the event as one would like it to go – for instance, a smooth swing, hitting the ball just right, the ball soaring through the air, landing on the green, and rolling into the hole.
Athletes now utilize this technique in virtually every sport, from gymnastics to skeeball. There are even studies showing that “practicing” musical instruments through intention alone (imagining oneself playing piano, for example) leads to measurable improvements in skill. And yet, I would guess that the deliberate application of intention as a success strategy (outside of sports) isn’t a practice that has made it into most people’s daily lives.
If it works on balls and saws, why not use it to make a million dollars or to find a fulfilling relationship? Here are some recommendations for translating this practice to life-creation:
- Clarify. The arc of a ball from golf club to hole is simple to visualize. The arc from, say, a new business idea to a flourishing company is less simple. This makes it harder to visualize and therefore more difficult to grease the rails with intention. You can improve your chances by developing a very clear intention statement using positive language, such as “My business will be earning $100k per month by April 2024.” You can also consider the greater arc as a dot-to-dot with numerous smaller achievements along the way, and create a “sub-intention” for each. Visualizing these shorter distances may be more manageable.
- Potentiate. You can check your intention statement for potency by saying it out loud (to yourself or a friend). How does it feel? Is there a word that needs tweaking? Is it too vague? Or does it fill you with a charge of inspiration? Keep modifying until it feels really good.
- Scribe. Write down your intention statement to make it more real. Use a nice pen and a nice piece of paper. Take your time to get it right.
- Activate. Especially for big goals, you can add potency by enacting your intention in a special way. Consider this process as a starting point: Get into a calm clear mind space, light a candle, state that this ritual is to activate and amplify this intention, and ask for the guidance and support of the universe. As you focus on your intention statement, try to get as much of your whole self on board with it. Imagine that you are making this intention not just with your voice and your mind, but with your heart, with your gut, with every cell and every atom of your being. Imagine all parts of you are aligned in proclaiming this. Let go of any resistance. Thank the universe for hearing and responding. One of my favorite additions to this process is to use a piece of our Intention Paper, writing the intention on it and burning it to transform it from matter to energy and send it out into the world.
- Sustain. In the case of throwing a dart toward a bullseye, you’re ideally holding an intention from the moment you start thinking about it until the dart hits something. That’s not a very long time. Making a million dollars will probably take a bit longer. It’s not always possible to continually hold an intention from conception to fruition, but do whatever you can to keep yourself conscious of what you’re creating. At the least, re-read your intention statement daily. Even better, visualize its actualization for five minutes a day. Even better, feel how you’re going to feel when you’re at the destination.
- Act. When you intend a golf ball to go into a hole, it’s helped along tremendously by your hitting the ball in the direction of the hole. With intention alone, it still might get there eventually, but it’s probably not a common occurrence – especially for someone who isn’t especially practiced in the art of conscious intentioning. The same goes for using intention toward life goals. Don’t put all your eggs in the intention basket, but do maximize the potential of this avenue while also taking physical steps to put yourself out there where opportunities happen.
- Notice and Receive. A vital part of effective intentioning is noticing the good things that come to you and receiving them wholeheartedly. This single step can make more difference in your life than all the others.
Whereas we often use only step six (taking physical action), practicing the other six can greatly enhance our ability to shape life as we desire. Beyond whatever tangible gains this approach might produce, I feel there are wonderful intangible benefits as well. Ultimately it builds self-trust, promotes gratitude, helps us recognize of the potent role our perception plays in our quality of life, and reminds us that choice is always available.
Be well,
Peter
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The other day a friend took out a cigarette and started smoking it in front of me. It was a bit of a surprise, and it made me reflect on how much less I encounter smoking than ever before in my life. Rates of smoking among adults in the U.S. have fallen from 42% in 1965 to 13.7% in 2018. Smoking in kids has fallen from 27.5% in 1991 to 8.8% in 2017. Both trends reflect a decline of about 68%. At the same time, smokers have greatly reduced the number of cigarettes they consume in a day.
This is great news, and I’d like to help the remaining smokers give it up. I used to run a successful program to help people quit, and I’d like to share the approaches that worked well for the participants. Clients would get acupuncture and herbs to help with the cravings; we would do some digging and releasing to clear the underlying psychological patterns associated with smoking; and finally I would tell them this:
“You are not forbidden to smoke. Don’t feed the inner conflict by saying to yourself, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this.’ If there’s a shouldn’t within you, then there’s also “but I am doing it,” and from that, it follows that you’re bad, you’re wrong, you’re breaking the rules, you’re a failure, you deserve to be punished, etc. It perpetuates a whole mess of negative thoughts, guilt, and shame which are arguably as bad for you as the smoking itself.”
If they felt like having a cigarette, I would tell them to do six things.
Number one: Use empowering language. Instead of telling yourself, “I can’t have this cigarette,” which feels like you’re being constrained by an outside force, use verbiage that implies your choice and power in the matter, such as: “I don’t smoke anymore. I just don’t put that stuff in my body. I’m not a smoker anymore. I choose to only breathe clean air now.” And rather than telling other people, “I’m trying to quit,” which gives you an out, tell them, “I quit!” Or, if that feels too big, “I’m in the process of quitting.”
Number two: Take a minute to slow and deepen your breathing. Much of the appeal of smoking is that smokers routinely take time to step outside and do some deep breathing. Aside from the smoke inhalation part, this is a great stress management practice, so we don’t want to take that away.
Draw your inhale the whole way down to your lower belly, imagining you’re filling up the bowl of your pelvis with it. Then make your exhale very long, getting all the air out. Do this several times. (If it’s helpful at first, you can hold your fingers to your lips as if drawing through a cigarette.) If the desire for a cigarette remains, continue on.
Number three: Connect to the want-a-cigarette feeling. How do you know it’s time to smoke? Most of the time you’re barely aware of the feeling; you just respond to it unconsciously and have a smoke. This step is about making conscious the connection between the craving feeling and the act of smoking.
Drop into your body and tune in to what’s coming up. Don’t try to define it; just feel what it feels like. What exactly is the feeling? Where is it concentrated? What can it tell you about yourself?
You may tend to regard it as a yearning, but what’s beneath the yearning? The yearning is a response to something deeper. There’s some form of discomfort there and smoking is the thing you do to get the feeling to go away. But there are other ways to release it. The feeling is just a feeling; it’s not going to harm you, and it doesn’t mean you have to smoke.
There are many approaches to dealing with the feeling. A good place to start is by simply allowing the feeling to be here without resisting it. Can you feel the feeling fully? Can you invite it to be experienced by your whole self? Can you breathe into it? And can you open yourself and allow it to leave?
Just follow the prompts above and see what happens. Don’t judge yourself if the feeling doesn’t go away. If the desire for a cigarette remains, continue on.
Number four: Uncouple the act of smoking from any other activity. We don’t want smoking to be linked to anything else, especially things you do all the time. So, if you tend to have a cigarette while on the phone, a cigarette after sex, a cigarette after eating, or a cigarette while driving, choose another time to smoke. You’re going to keep eating, having sex, and driving, so we want to clear the association with smoking. Before smoking, do everything reasonable to remove yourself from other activities and positive environments.
Number five: Talk to your body. If you still want to smoke, take out a cigarette, become aware of our lungs, your heart, and your whole body. Then ask inwardly, “Do you want this?” or “How do you feel about this?” Then listen and feel for a response. If the desire for a cigarette remains, continue on.
Number six: Give all your attention to the act of smoking. Be alone, tune out everything else, and smoke that cigarette. Be completely present to the act. At whatever point the urge to smoke has dissipated, stop and stub it out. When you’re immersed in it, this point tends to come well before the end of the cigarette. And even if you do smoke the whole thing, it will tend to satisfy you for much longer than if you smoked it mindlessly. While my hope for people is that they’ll quit entirely, cutting down from ten to three is a great and worthwhile accomplishment.
If you’re a smoker I’d love to hear about your experience with these simple steps. And if you know someone else who could benefit from this article, please pass it along.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about the prevalence of life coaches and other professionals who aim to guide others toward reaching their goals or finding psycho-spiritual wellness. He was feeling concerned that there has been a certain commodification of personal growth. While I agreed that this is one facet of how we’ve treated personal growth, I believe that on the whole the notion that we can change who we are has been good for us.
The fundamental issue is that humans suffer. We feel overwhelmed, lost, fearful, confused, alone, angry, sad, etc. This suffering has been compounded by a trend toward disconnection from our foundations. Overall, humans have less of an everyday connection to nature, spirituality, and other humans than in the past. So, there has always been a need for help, and this need has become more acute recently.
Meanwhile, there has also been a trend in the last several decades toward more open discussion on the human psyche, spirit, and potential. We’re freer than ever to speak about our thoughts and feelings, and we explore perspectives from other cultures. We’re more willing than previous generations to see things in a new way, update our customs, change careers, and become someone different than we’ve been. Thus, more than ever we have people who feel a calling to assist others in these ways. Do they deserve to be compensated for their help? I say yes.
The ubiquity of such helpers is a good thing. There are a lot of people needing help. Further, the prevalence of such guides has made everyone up their game. No longer is an exotic outfit or accent qualification enough to be a guru. Consumers are more savvy. And a wonderful byproduct of the expansion of the personal growth field is that it’s not limited to a particular socioeconomic class. There is an incredible abundance of free and cheap resources out there – articles, podcasts, books, videos, and support groups.
If you are able to work one-on-one with a coach you resonate with, there are lots of good reasons to do it:
Accountability: Often we don’t hold ourselves accountable for what we say we’re going to do and who we say we want to be. Having someone else to track us and remind us to stay on course is often all it takes for us to follow through.
Wisdom: A great coach has learned some things, and many can tap into a repository of wisdom that goes well beyond their personal experience.
Holding Space: A good coach knows how to hold a container in which their clients can safely experience whatever they’re struggling with, explore and unravel their challenges, and find their way to healing, growth, and evolution.
Seeing Your Patterns of Dysfunction: One of the most useful functions a coach can serve is pointing out what you can’t see, like the way you keep sabotaging good jobs, or how to don’t maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. We can’t fix what we don’t see.
Seeing Your Light: Often we have no problem seeing what’s “wrong” with us; the real hurdle is seeing what’s right. A good coach is there to point out your gifts, your value, your potential, and all the ways you’re managing with grace.
Hand Holding: While this is a role many a good friend has performed, it’s another thing coaches can do for us. Sometimes we know where we want to go, we know what we need to do, but we just feel intimidated. Having someone hold our hand through it may feel like a silly thing to ask for, but if it gets us to do what we’re here to do, it’s an invaluable service.
Wishing you the guide who will coax out your greatness,
Peter
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