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When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Relationship Repair Step One: Attitude Adjustment
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June 22nd is my wife Briana’s birthday. She’s the Dragontree’s founder and fearless leader.
On the way to art school at age 18, she was in a car accident and broke her neck. It changed the course of her life. She never made it to art school, instead spending the following six months in a brace at home in Montana. During her rehabilitation period she received massage and this kindled an interest in the healing arts.
She decided to go to massage school in Portland, and later to California College of Ayurveda to learn the traditional medical system of India. When we met, she was a massage therapist at a little spa in Portland and also a professional belly dancer. Less than a year later, she was opening her own spa. She was just 23 then.
I helped with the planning and painting, but she has always been the engine and visionary. I’ve watched her grow tremendously in the 20 years that we’ve been together. Besides her business acumen, she has an incredible knack for making spaces beautiful. She’s an amazing mother and wife. She is generous and kind and funny. She’s a pretty good guitar player, too.
The funny thing is, for probably the first 15 years we were together she had these moments of insecurity when she would ask me with despair in her voice, “What am I doing with my life?!” It was as if she saw herself as floundering and aimless.
It’s interesting how outsiders sometimes see our gifts more clearly than we do. In this case, my response came so easily. “Well,” I would say, “you have built spas where thousands of people have come to feel better. You’ve created programs and courses to educate, uplift, and support people’s healing. You’ve written books. You’ve provided jobs for probably a thousand people over the years. You’re a mother and wife. You beautify the world. You’re a great friend. You’re always trying to be your best self. You’re good at Boggle – though not as good as me. I think that’s a pretty good start.”
I’m not sure if what I said was helpful in a lasting way. But over time, and especially as she began to do more spiritual and coaching work, there was an ever-growing group of people who said to her, “You changed my life for the better.” And I think it started to sink in. She doesn’t ask me what she’s doing with her life anymore.
From all of us whose lives have been made better by our association with you, Briana Borten, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We love you.
[post_title] => Happy Birthday, Briana!
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Although we weren’t thinking about it while writing it, our life planner, The Dreambook, is very much aligned with ideas of the Human Potential Movement (HPM). The movement focuses on helping people attain their full potential through numerous avenues, including self-awareness, honesty, openness, optimism, self-acceptance, mindfulness, and a willingness to be outside of one’s comfort zone. Wikipedia says a central premise of the HPM is that “people can experience a life of happiness, creativity, and fulfillment,” and that this naturally moves us to uplift our community and assist others to actualize their own potential.
Although it’s often seen as having developed from the 1960s counterculture, the seeds of the HPM were planted much earlier. Close influences were psychologists such as William James, Carl Rogers, and Abraham Maslow. In particular, Maslow’s famous Hierarchy of Needs elucidated how humans are motivated. He claimed that we have tiers of needs, and that foundational tiers – e.g., food, shelter, safety – have to be managed before we can dedicate ourselves to higher tiers such as relationships and achievement. Maslow called the top tier self-actualization, the full realization of our potential.
Well before these modern thinkers, Greek philosophers such as Socrates and Epictetus were teaching about human potential through the cultivation of virtue. Confucius, too, (500-ish years BCE) was a great champion of personal development and spoke of the relationship between one’s individual growth and the benefit to society, similarly to what is echoed above by the HPM. In The Great Learning he wrote:
In ancient times, those who wished to make bright virtue brilliant in the world first ordered their states; those who wished to order their states first aligned their households; those who wished to align their households first refined their persons; those who wished to refine their persons first balanced their minds and hearts; those who wished to balance their minds and hearts first perfected the sincerity of their intentions; those who wished to perfect the sincerity of their intentions first extended their understanding; extending one’s understanding lies in the investigation of things.
And “the investigation of things,” according to twelfth century philosopher Zhu Xi, means, “to exhaustively arrive at the principles of matters, missing no point as one reaches the ultimate.” Some would say it means to perceive the true nature of reality.
I find this view beautifully holistic: that even for worldly aims (“to make bright virtue brilliant in the world”), we start with our basic orientation to reality, then bring this forward to the “sincerity of our intentions,” the balance of our hearts and minds, then to personal refinement, the alignment of our household, and then outward to our community.
Depending on your disposition, these statements can feel inspiring or unreachably lofty. If making bright virtue brilliant in the world feels daunting, let’s look at the ideas of living to one’s potential in simpler terms.
Confucius speaks first about the investigation of things – understanding the world. Doesn’t it make sense that in order to really grasp our potential we must understand the context in which it is expressed?
This isn’t work anyone can do for us, and it requires humility, innocence, and openness. It means, in my opinion, approaching the world as a student would approach a master teacher – willing to be wrong and open to having our mind blown. If we look to cultures who live in close connection with nature (including Confucius’s culture), they’ll almost universally assert that it’s the sacred in us, interacting with the sacred of the world, that is the essence of life – not the masks and stories we’ve superimposed upon it. What is the sacred? That which can’t be depleted, exhausted, or diminished.
What about the sincerity of intention Confucius mentions? We hope to nudge our readers toward sincere intention through the exploratory questions in the Connect section of the Dreambook. Figure out what brings you joy and gratification, regardless of what others might think. What raises your vibration? What makes you feel alive? What opens your heart? What makes you feel you’re aligned with the purpose your Highest Self wants for you?
From here, establish structures to support the actualization of these intentions. Integrate them into your everyday life. Set goals, break them down into tasks, and put the tasks in your calendar. Practice integrity by honoring your agreements with yourself. Be reverent of the powerful words they are constructed from. Make sure your agreements are clear – always know what you’ve agreed to and where you stand on them. Notice what you accomplish and celebrate these achievements. Don’t complain. Be flexible. Maintain a clear inner vision of what you intend to bring into being. And routinely express gratitude.
If this sounds like a lot to remember, that’s what a planner like the Dreambook is for – to keep you on track with the actualization of that incredible potential within you. We’re honored to witness you.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Are You Actually Actualizing?
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When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
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