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DIY: Get what you REALLY want for Christmas

When a physical gift is given, we see that the person who gives it technically loses something and the recipient gains it. So it’s natural that from witnessing the dynamic… Read More

Once More with Feeling

If you’ve ever done something reactionary, without thinking it through, there was a certain element that spurred you to act even though you might not have been aware of it…. Read More

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Not only will a mindfulness practice help you through many of the challenges of the season – like travel, family dynamics, and spending – it will take you into a richer, “realer” experience that’s satisfying, peaceful, and healing. What is mindfulness? My favorite definitions of mindfulness come from Thich Nhat Hanh. He describes it as “keeping one’s consciousness alive to the present reality.” Essentially, this means being “all in” with whatever you’re engaged in, rather than going somewhere else in your mind. TNH also describes mindfulness as “taking hold of your own consciousness.” It’s a powerful choice, especially during difficult situations. In practicing being alive to the present reality, there are some attitudes that help, explained thoroughly in Buddhist scriptures. Contemporary mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn, who developed Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, emphasizes the following seven (which I’ll explain in my own words below): non-judging, patience, beginner’s mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance, and letting go. Non-judging is a great place to start. Judging is something we do continuously, even when we’re not aware of it. We judge some things as good, others as bad, some as desirable, others as undesirable, and using judgment to categorize everything we come in contact with. The problem is that habitual judgment deprives us of the opportunity to engage with what’s present in a totally authentic, truthful way. Furthermore, judgment keeps us in polarized states, in continuous micro-conflicts. Mindfulness and patience go hand-in-hand. A major trigger for departing from a mindful state is our desire to make something more interesting, intense, or productive happen right now. Staying with whatever’s at hand – say, filing your nails – can initially feel painfully bland. But it’s rewarding to feel your impatience. How does it feel in your body? How does it produce greater interest, intensity, or productivity by inducing you to leave the present reality? If you notice that you aren’t very patient, remember non-judgment. Practitioners of mindfulness often speak of discovering a new depth in everyday activities, an unexpected richness – even in filing nails. This is facilitated in part by observing a beginner’s mind – experiencing reality as it actually is, rather than through the many lenses that produce preset expectations. I prefer the term innocence for this state – meeting each new moment with total innocence and wonder. It’s difficult for spiritual expansion (i.e., freedom) to occur without a willingness to relinquish what we think we know. Trust helps keep us in the moment. When we pin our consciousness to the present, inevitably some squirming will start happening. The mind says, “I need to go somewhere else! I need to be entertained! I need to get stuff done! I need to get out of this discomfort! I’m claustrophobic!” When we trust that we’re in the right place (and, frankly, anything else is a lie) we root into the here-and-now. Trusting is an act of holding space for ourselves. And then, something does change – the claustrophobic feeling opens into a new spaciousness. I mentioned that one of the hurdles to maintaining mindfulness is the mind’s desire to be productive – more productive, that is, than whatever we’re currently doing. The attitude of non-striving is meant to address this tendency. Non-striving means do this for the sake of doing it rather than for the outcome you hope it will achieve. This is especially important when practicing mindfulness in difficult family dynamics. If you’re hoping it’s going to fix something, you’re not going to be able to be truly mindful with whatever happens. Non-striving doesn’t mean we don’t do anything useful, we don’t do our best, or we don’t intend to improve ourselves. We simply trust that when we bring the full aliveness of our consciousness to whatever we’ve chosen for the present moment, this is enough. Acceptance is the key to relinquishing striving. Jiddu Krishnamurti once disclosed the “secret” of his enlightenment to a group of eager students: “I don’t mind what happens.” Said another way, it’s total acceptance of the inevitable. In contrast, most of us spend considerable energy in resistance to what once happened, what’s currently happening, and what might happen. Mindfulness entails being with reality – which is always whatever is here and now – without judging, departing, resisting, or manipulating it. For most people, one of the biggest shifts involved in such a practice is feeling all the time. Rather than giving our consciousness away to a mind that is always one step removed from reality, this means fully welcoming the total experience of now, right as it happens. Finally, letting go is essential to staying in the present and being free. Every thought can be let go. Every grievance can be let go. Every form of resistance can be let go. Every identity can be let go. And layer by layer by layer, we become freer to simply be with whatever comes up. In any moment, you can ask, “What can I let go of right now?” and there’s always something, if only the current moment itself. When we’re attached to anything – an old story, a desire for things to never change, the belief that we’re right – it limits our freedom and distorts the way we see the world. Since there are seven practices and seven days in the week, I recommend you devote one day of each week to each practice. Write down the schedule for yourself on a piece of paper (or put it in your Dreambook). Don’t expect to remember all seven all the time – especially during a stressful moment in the holidays. Just trust that the one that’s most relevant to the nature of your challenge will come to mind. Be well (and tell me what happens), Peter [post_title] => A Freer Way to Experience the Holidays [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => a-month-of-mindful-holidays [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2021-12-03 21:54:56 [post_modified_gmt] => 2021-12-03 21:54:56 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8424 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [1] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 7912 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2020-06-24 22:38:34 [post_date_gmt] => 2020-06-24 22:38:34 [post_content] => One of the greatest sources of pain I’ve witnessed during the pandemic is the perception of restricted freedom. There have been some measurable restrictions on our freedoms, like the freedom to gather in large groups, the freedom to enter stores without a mask on, or the freedom to have an open business. There have been some virtual restrictions too, like the freedom to do everyday activities – touching your face, hugging people, shopping, etc. – without the worry of contracting a serious disease. We have control over some aspects of the hardships of pandemic life but not others; I’d like to address what we can control. In my opinion, the majority of this pain comes from illusions of constraint. And one of the main ways we perpetuate such illusions is through judgment. There are micro-judgments and macro-judgments. They’re not really different, but the macro judgments tend to be bigger, more conscious stances you’ve taken on people, events, issues, etc. If someone were to ask what you think about Donald Trump or Star Trek or cilantro, your judgments would probably be evident. Micro-judgments are harder to see and generally harder to change since they’re part of the fundamental nature of the mind, they’re happening constantly, and they’re often subconscious. The mind labels and judges as good or bad nearly everything we experience. “This habit of categorizing and judging our experience locks us into automatic reactions that we are not even aware of and that often have no objective basis at all,” writes Jon Kabat-Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living. “These judgments tend to dominate our minds, making it difficult for us ever to find any peace within ourselves or to develop any discernment as to what may actually be going on, inwardly or outwardly.” We’re rarely aware of how much we judge and how this impacts us. For each thing we judge as bad there tends to be some form of closing, aversion, or resistance. We might experience this as a subtle (or not so subtle) bodily feeling of tension. The judgmental thought might give rise to other contractive thoughts such as: No. I don’t like it. I’m not that way. That’s not fair. Life / the world shouldn’t be this way. This is wrong / bad. I can’t tolerate this. To the extent that these judgments fill our consciousness (and go unchallenged) we experience that much less freedom. Even the things we judge as good can spur a similar kind of constraint as subconscious thoughts arise like: I want it always to be like this. I don’t want this to end. Why can’t it always be this way? What’s wrong with me that I’m not enjoying this as much as I think I should? Thus, even encounters with things we like can have a contractive effect on us when judgment takes hold and we give ourselves over to it. When it comes to our experience of freedom, imagined restrictions might as well be metal shackles. The good news is that our judgments can be challenged, transcended, or compassionately witnessed without letting them influence us. The bad news is that this takes work and most of us are in the lazy habit of letting our mind run the show. My mentor Matt Garrigan used to say, “You are not your mind. You have a mind.” Like so many spiritual truths, it’s basically worthless as an intellectual concept to chew on. It only works when you start living it, and then it’s life changing. You might begin with an openness to the possibility that what your mind has to say is neither true nor important. But most minds will argue strongly against not being the center of your attention, so it’s often best to lead with awareness itself rather than thoughts about thoughts. You just sit, breathe naturally, and watch your thoughts – many of them judgments – come and go. If you don’t attach to them, don’t engage with them, don’t try to stop them, don’t judge them, and don’t resist them, you eventually begin to experience that you are not your mind. And this is freedom. It’s often called cultivating the witness state. I like to call it practicing innocence. The basis for making judgments is the assumption that we know. If we’re going to judge every facet of life, we must believe we’re qualified to do so, and this feeds our sense of self-importance and inflates the ego, making it all the more judgy. Innocence is relinquishing our position as judge, admitting we may not have the qualifications, and being open to a reality that we haven’t predefined for ourselves. Innocence doesn’t imply naivety, and non-judgment isn’t a lack of discernment. In fact, it’s only when we drop all our prejudices that we’re able to see the truth. If anything, it’s naïve to always think we already know. It’s arrogant to believe we can hear the truth if we only listen to our own inner commentary. And it’s foolhardy to put more stock in our mind – a device we created – than in pure experience. When we’re scared or stressed it’s more difficult to practice innocence, and we can get even more judgy than usual. Right now there’s a lot of judgment about whether people are wearing masks or not, about social distancing, about how everyone is dealing with racism, about the great uncertainty of the future. I invite all of us to notice these judgments, to take a deep breath, and to let them go for now. Can you feel the slight increase in "breathing room" that happens? Imagine how much freer you’d be if you released judgments all the time and the habit of automatically believing them began to disappear. What’s your experience with judgment and innocence? What happens when you let your inner judge direct you? What happens when you just notice these judgments and your reactions to them? Who are you when you expand into that Awareness that witnesses and contains the mind? Share with our community in the comments section below. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Suspending Judgment [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => suspending-judgement [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2020-06-29 18:20:59 [post_modified_gmt] => 2020-06-29 18:20:59 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://thedragontree.com/?p=7912 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 14 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [2] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8470 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-01-30 21:17:23 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-01-30 21:17:23 [post_content] => In high school and college, I spent hours every day playing my guitars and writing songs. Music was the main outlet I had for the angst and depression I felt in my late teens and early twenties. In grad school, I began to emerge from those dark days, and as I increasingly found myself in the company of people who were really psychologically healthy, I noticed my music changing. One day I was jamming with a good friend. He would play me one of his tunes and I’d improvise on that for a while, and then I’d show him one of mine and we’d play that for a bit. At some point, I started playing one of the old songs from my troubled period. The best I can remember is that the words had something to do with losing hope. He liked the tune, so I showed him the chords and taught him the words so we could sing it together. Only, as I started playing and singing it, he didn’t join in. He stopped me after a moment and said, “Sorry, man… I’m not singing that.” I really didn’t understand it. “Why not?” I asked. “Because it’s all about losing hope and how life sucks. I don’t want to say that.” “Oh,” I was a bit bewildered. “Okay, let’s try something else.” And we moved on. I was a little bit offended. I didn’t always relate to the subject matter of his songs, but I didn’t mind singing them. It wasn’t like you had to believe what you were saying – it was just a song. And what about all the popular songs that we sing along to because they’re catchy? Lots of them are about topics we might not care for, but they’re still good songs. Well, I let it go and didn’t think about it again for a long time. But years later, I had become more acutely tuned in to my thoughts and words, and I had experienced in a more definite way the way my words affected my experience. One day, I remembered that event and thought, “Wow. Good for him.” You Are What You “Eat” Have you ever used an affirmation? The idea is that by repeating key words, we can reprogram our mind, shift our emotions, heal our body, and even change the circumstances of our life. When done right, they really can work. I wouldn’t place all my eggs in the affirmations basket when I want something in my life to be different, but they have their place. What’s arguably more valuable than the actual practice of repeating an affirmation is what they demonstrate: the thoughts we choose can have a huge impact on our life. Apart from whatever objective ways they might affect our lives, the subjective impact of our thoughts is that they color our experience – our internal environment and outlook – in a way that makes the objective circumstances almost irrelevant. For instance, if you think life sucks, it doesn’t matter whether you have delicious food, warm clothes, people who love you, a winning lottery ticket, and blue skies – life still sucks. And if you think life is an utter gift, you could be in rags and have no limbs, and yet see beauty and grace in everything. It’s difficult for most people to remember to repeat an affirmation all day long, or to choose to focus on a positive idea as often as possible. But it’s quite easy for us to sing a song in our head all day long … say, Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” or Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt” (later covered by Johnny Cash). It’s easy to listen to ranting on talk radio. It’s easy to read a daily newspaper that’s filled with more negativity than positivity. And it’s easy to barely register that we are making choices that degrade our lives. If we want our life to go a certain way – happy, healthy, long, etc. – we need to pay attention not only to what good things we’re doing to ensure this, but also to what destructive things we’re doing to sabotage it. We all know “you are what you eat” – that what you feed your body affects the quality of your health. In the same way, the thoughts we cultivate, the way we speak, the media we consume, the people and social institutions we associate with are all part of what we’re feeding our consciousness. So, it should be no surprise that they affect the quality of our experience. When my friend refused to sing the depressing song I had written, it’s because he was tuned into – and respectful of – the effect our words (especially repeated ones) have on our consciousness. We can easily learn to perceive the qualitative differences between certain words, thoughts, songs, movies, and organizations. When we bring our awareness to their influence on us, it becomes clear that the majority of news articles, movies, radio shows, and television programs are relatively degrading to our consciousness (and, therefore, to our entire being). According to a study by the UCLA Center for Communications Policy, sixty-one percent of television programs contain some violence! A common rationale we use for reading, listening to and repeating tragic stories is the necessity of staying informed. In actuality, there is very little utility in keeping up with misfortune and deadly events. This habit speaks more of our collective addiction to conflict and drama. If our consumption of negative media and ideas is not purposeful, it is destructive. It is like eating a rich dessert (but considerably less satisfying): if we choose to consume it, we should stop the moment we have had enough. If we are five sentences into descriptions of dismembered bodies and we have pretty much gotten the picture, it’s time to put the article down. Usually the headlines are more than enough. When we consume media with a violent or hopeless tone, its impact on us is determined partly by our perspective and our psychological health. Sometimes we resonate strongly and persistently with the pain we witness, and other times we are able to remain detached and let it pass through us without being excessively influenced by it. Until we develop our sensitivity, however, we usually can’t perceive how it hurts us. If we are interested in whole health, we need whole honesty with ourselves about our reasons for consuming unhealthy media and surrounding ourselves with people and organizations that propagate negativity. As with diet, I’m not suggesting that we must always make the best possible choice; I’m only advising that we be as conscious and truthful with ourselves as we can be. More important that banishing any destructive influences from our lives is staying aware and honest about the nature of our relationship with these influences. In all cases, we’re better off fully experiencing the effect of a given influence rather than being unconscious of it. I recommend, in the presence of questionable media and conversation, you feel what happens in your body – as willingly and completely as possible. If you find yourself getting tense or tight, or feeling not at ease, listen to your body. Then let these feelings go, and consider altering your consumption. Luckily, there is a world of beautiful, uplifting, positive, healthful stuff out there. Surround yourself with positive people, listen to music that makes you feel good, check out some beautiful art, read some lovely poetry. And notice how it changes your life. Much love, Dr. Peter Borten [post_title] => Programming Ourselves for Misery or Happiness [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => programming-ourselves-for-misery-or-happiness [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-01-30 21:17:23 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-01-30 21:17:23 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8470 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 5 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) ) [post_count] => 3 [current_post] => -1 [in_the_loop] => [post] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8424 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2021-12-03 21:46:36 [post_date_gmt] => 2021-12-03 21:46:36 [post_content] => One of the best ways to keep the holidays from turning into a holidaze is by practicing mindfulness during this season. Not only will a mindfulness practice help you through many of the challenges of the season – like travel, family dynamics, and spending – it will take you into a richer, “realer” experience that’s satisfying, peaceful, and healing. What is mindfulness? My favorite definitions of mindfulness come from Thich Nhat Hanh. He describes it as “keeping one’s consciousness alive to the present reality.” Essentially, this means being “all in” with whatever you’re engaged in, rather than going somewhere else in your mind. TNH also describes mindfulness as “taking hold of your own consciousness.” It’s a powerful choice, especially during difficult situations. In practicing being alive to the present reality, there are some attitudes that help, explained thoroughly in Buddhist scriptures. Contemporary mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn, who developed Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, emphasizes the following seven (which I’ll explain in my own words below): non-judging, patience, beginner’s mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance, and letting go. Non-judging is a great place to start. Judging is something we do continuously, even when we’re not aware of it. We judge some things as good, others as bad, some as desirable, others as undesirable, and using judgment to categorize everything we come in contact with. The problem is that habitual judgment deprives us of the opportunity to engage with what’s present in a totally authentic, truthful way. Furthermore, judgment keeps us in polarized states, in continuous micro-conflicts. Mindfulness and patience go hand-in-hand. A major trigger for departing from a mindful state is our desire to make something more interesting, intense, or productive happen right now. Staying with whatever’s at hand – say, filing your nails – can initially feel painfully bland. But it’s rewarding to feel your impatience. How does it feel in your body? How does it produce greater interest, intensity, or productivity by inducing you to leave the present reality? If you notice that you aren’t very patient, remember non-judgment. Practitioners of mindfulness often speak of discovering a new depth in everyday activities, an unexpected richness – even in filing nails. This is facilitated in part by observing a beginner’s mind – experiencing reality as it actually is, rather than through the many lenses that produce preset expectations. I prefer the term innocence for this state – meeting each new moment with total innocence and wonder. It’s difficult for spiritual expansion (i.e., freedom) to occur without a willingness to relinquish what we think we know. Trust helps keep us in the moment. When we pin our consciousness to the present, inevitably some squirming will start happening. The mind says, “I need to go somewhere else! I need to be entertained! I need to get stuff done! I need to get out of this discomfort! I’m claustrophobic!” When we trust that we’re in the right place (and, frankly, anything else is a lie) we root into the here-and-now. Trusting is an act of holding space for ourselves. And then, something does change – the claustrophobic feeling opens into a new spaciousness. I mentioned that one of the hurdles to maintaining mindfulness is the mind’s desire to be productive – more productive, that is, than whatever we’re currently doing. The attitude of non-striving is meant to address this tendency. Non-striving means do this for the sake of doing it rather than for the outcome you hope it will achieve. This is especially important when practicing mindfulness in difficult family dynamics. If you’re hoping it’s going to fix something, you’re not going to be able to be truly mindful with whatever happens. Non-striving doesn’t mean we don’t do anything useful, we don’t do our best, or we don’t intend to improve ourselves. We simply trust that when we bring the full aliveness of our consciousness to whatever we’ve chosen for the present moment, this is enough. Acceptance is the key to relinquishing striving. Jiddu Krishnamurti once disclosed the “secret” of his enlightenment to a group of eager students: “I don’t mind what happens.” Said another way, it’s total acceptance of the inevitable. In contrast, most of us spend considerable energy in resistance to what once happened, what’s currently happening, and what might happen. Mindfulness entails being with reality – which is always whatever is here and now – without judging, departing, resisting, or manipulating it. For most people, one of the biggest shifts involved in such a practice is feeling all the time. Rather than giving our consciousness away to a mind that is always one step removed from reality, this means fully welcoming the total experience of now, right as it happens. Finally, letting go is essential to staying in the present and being free. Every thought can be let go. Every grievance can be let go. Every form of resistance can be let go. Every identity can be let go. And layer by layer by layer, we become freer to simply be with whatever comes up. In any moment, you can ask, “What can I let go of right now?” and there’s always something, if only the current moment itself. When we’re attached to anything – an old story, a desire for things to never change, the belief that we’re right – it limits our freedom and distorts the way we see the world. Since there are seven practices and seven days in the week, I recommend you devote one day of each week to each practice. Write down the schedule for yourself on a piece of paper (or put it in your Dreambook). Don’t expect to remember all seven all the time – especially during a stressful moment in the holidays. Just trust that the one that’s most relevant to the nature of your challenge will come to mind. Be well (and tell me what happens), Peter [post_title] => A Freer Way to Experience the Holidays [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => a-month-of-mindful-holidays [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2021-12-03 21:54:56 [post_modified_gmt] => 2021-12-03 21:54:56 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8424 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [comment_count] => 0 [current_comment] => -1 [found_posts] => 143 [max_num_pages] => 3 [max_num_comment_pages] => 0 [is_single] => [is_preview] => [is_page] => [is_archive] => 1 [is_date] => [is_year] => [is_month] => [is_day] => [is_time] => [is_author] => [is_category] => 1 [is_tag] => [is_tax] => [is_search] => [is_feed] => [is_comment_feed] => [is_trackback] => [is_home] => [is_privacy_policy] => [is_404] => [is_embed] => [is_paged] => [is_admin] => [is_attachment] => [is_singular] => [is_robots] => [is_favicon] => [is_posts_page] => [is_post_type_archive] => [query_vars_hash:WP_Query:private] => abc0a708f21a4a25cf3ac0d6f0870b02 [query_vars_changed:WP_Query:private] => [thumbnails_cached] => [stopwords:WP_Query:private] => [compat_fields:WP_Query:private] => Array ( [0] => query_vars_hash [1] => query_vars_changed ) [compat_methods:WP_Query:private] => Array ( [0] => init_query_flags [1] => parse_tax_query ) )

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A Freer Way to Experience the Holidays

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