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In past articles I suggested that while it’s common to think that the essence of commitment is staying together no matter what, this is a pretty superficial interpretation. More meaningful is a commitment to a certain quality of relationship. What’s the value in saying “forever” if you’re not going to make it a wonderful forever?
If you’re in a committed relationship and are interested in improving it, it’s valuable to write about and discuss with your partner the qualities you’re committed to. If you’re not in a relationship but would like be in an ecstatic one, it’s useful to define these qualities beforehand. Below are some ideas to get you started.
Note that when I say “both people” in these examples, of course you can request that your partner agrees, but it’s important to begin with yourself. You and your partner are different people. If you’re fully participating and your partner isn’t on board with everything you’ve requested, let them explain what exactly they are willing to commit to. Then you can decide whether that works for you.
Be patient with them if you’ve never discussed ideas like these before. They may have some learning and catching up to do. Be tactful to help them understand that your interest in leveling-up the relationship doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong.
Kindness – A basic starting point for a mutually beneficial relationship is that both people treat each other (and themselves) with kind words and actions. This includes being flexible, forgiving, and striving to understand. To start, take a single day to be acutely mindful of the kindness – or lack thereof – in your words, thoughts, and behaviors (with regard to your partner). This may help you to recognize the potential breadth of kindness.
Honesty – Honesty means more than not telling lies or keeping secrets. High level honesty in a relationship designed for growth and synergy entails a great deal of self-awareness. You must know what’s actually going on within you in order to be honest with your words and actions. Otherwise there’s dissonance. Dissonance doesn’t feel good. It may cause you to subconsciously blame the other person or resent the relationship, and your partner will likely perceive it as a lack of closeness.
Engagement – It’s natural to have times when we’re wrapped up in our work, family responsibilities, or personal pursuits, with little left to invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand this, though not indefinitely. In order to get the most out of a relationship, both people must routinely (and enthusiastically) invest time, energy, and presence in it. If you’re finding yourself averse to doing so, return to Honesty and figure out what’s actually going on.
Mutuality – It may sound obvious that both people should aim to see and include the other as an equal, conscious being, but it’s exceedingly common to relate to a partner (or anyone else we know) through the internal mental representation we’ve created of them based on past interactions and judgments. In this way, we may treat each other more like objects than vessels of consciousness, light, and love. We may unconsciously regard them as an obstacle, or a thing that serves to give us something or make us happy. (Refer to last week’s article for some direction on authentic relating.)
Maturity – Living in an adult-size body doesn’t have much to do with maturity. Relationships can be great facilitators of growing up (which, by the way, doesn’t mean being serious, rigid, or boring). A commitment to maturity in a relationship might mean that both parties endeavor to show up as responsible adults; doing our best not to let our inner child run us (and being honest about when it is); not blaming the other for our own stuff; not playing parent to our partner; being transparent, brave, and communicative.
Integrity – In a relationship of integrity, we aim to keep our agreements with ourselves and our partner. We are consistent. We are trustworthy. We strive to maintain harmony between who we are and who we say we want to be. Finally, we do these things not out of a feeling of obligation but with a spirit of rising to the occasion.
I hope this article has given you some ideas of the sorts of qualities you wish to commit to in current or future relationships. I can barely imagine the great ways the world would change if we all made such conscious commitments.
Be well,
Peter
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There’s a well-known spiritual quote from philosopher and teacher Jiddhu Krishnamurti. The story goes that he was speaking to a group of students (who saw him as an enlightened master), and he whispered, “Do you want to know my secret?” At this, the room fell silent and everyone leaned forward. Then he continued, “I don’t mind what happens.”
What I like about this idea is that it’s simple; it speaks of a state of transcendence of the ego and unshakable peace. But as an expression of absolute spiritual truth, it also lends itself to spiritual bypassing and illusions about spirituality.
The tricky thing about Krishnamurti’s statement is that he was presumably speaking not from his ego but from an expanded state of consciousness, his higher Self. Thus, while not minding what happens was his outlook from this state, it’s not necessarily the path that got him there.
In Krishnamurti’s case, he went through a series of spontaneous, often painful experiences over many years that caused an opening of his consciousness. That’s not something we can replicate at will. So what can we garner from this “secret”?
It’s a good opening to a discussion on how we relate to absolute spiritual truths while existing in a world of relativity. Even among non-dual spiritual traditions (meaning, all the world is considered to be an expression of one great Being, and separation is an illusion), there is often a distinction made between the Source in an absolute sense (which is formless) and the many forms it takes in the relative world.
In the realm of the relative, which is where the majority of human minds dwell, relativity directs nearly every aspect of our lives. For instance, when we say something is good, we’re usually not coming from the experience that the universe is fundamentally Good, and therefore all of its expressions are imbued with that same essence of goodness. What we mean is that things are good relative to some other way they could be. Thus, we’re directed toward things that we perceive as better than our other options and away from things that seem worse. And absolute spiritual truths – like “the universe is fundamentally good” – are simply lofty concepts to most people. We do get glimpses of them though (as I’ve written about in my articles on “gaps” in the dominant egocentric state), and these often fuel a drive for spiritual awakening.
People who have gone through a certain form of spiritual awakening (what’s sometimes referred to as enlightenment, liberation, or moksha) often describe it as an experience of becoming perpetually conscious of the absolute. This doesn’t make the relative disappear, but the awareness of the undying oneness that unifies all apparent differences enables them to play in relativity without the “high stakes” feeling – and the anxiousness and drama that go with it – that most humans experience. This is why it’s referred to as liberation, which can be a very appealing notion to anyone who wants to be happy.
So, apparently from this state, Krishnamurti said, “I don’t mind what happens” because, in an absolute sense, nothing is ever wrong. Nor is there such a thing as tragedy or victory. To win a race just means one part of the Source crossed the finish line before another part of the same Source (or God beat God, if you prefer that name). Likewise, the death of any given expression of the Source is akin to a red blood cell dying and being recycled into a new blood cell; the Whole has lost nothing in the process.
It's important to recognize that an absolute spiritual truth is different from an uplifting life principle or a good piece of advice. If someone told you their “secret” is “Focus on the good” or “Don’t sweat the small stuff” or “Practice gratitude” or “Don’t take anything personally” you could immediately adopt it and start living it. But to a person who hasn’t realized and directly experienced it, an absolute truth isn’t actionable in the same way. And in relative terms, the absolute may make no sense at all.
Imagine that a dog is biting your leg and you think to yourself, “I’m going to be spiritual about this. What did Krishnamurti say? Oh yeah, I don’t mind what happens. I guess I’d better breathe through this. Whew, that’s a lot of blood. Do I just let him keep gnawing? I don’t mind. I don’t mind. I don’t mind. If I call 9-1-1, does that constitute “minding”?” I doubt many people would take an unrealized spiritual truth to this extent, but as you can imagine, it’s possible to get into some trouble this way.
Next week we’ll try to find the usefulness in statements of absolute truth and we’ll talk about what to do if you do mind what happens. Meanwhile, I always love to hear what readers think of these philosophical explorations.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Can We be Misguided by Spiritual Truths?
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A few weeks ago I wrote about the “gaps” in everyday reality when the spiritual dimension peeks through. Sometimes they’re so profound they change us forever. Like opening the curtains to a view of life that’s truer and freer than the story we’ve been perpetuating.
More often they’re like little moments of remembering or brief glimmers of magic. Each one might not be earth-shaking, but when invited to come more often and to stay for longer, they begin to open us in a lasting way. By this I mean we expand into a sense of self that’s bigger than this personality and its circumstances.
Why would someone want this? Some people want it because they’re driven to know the truth. Others want it because it tends to translate to qualities of freedom and peace that are unattainable through “ordinary” means. Usually we think of peace as a condition that results from all circumstances being in relative harmony, and we think of freedom as a condition of certain liberties ensured by our government. But this peace and freedom are present regardless of our circumstances.
There are many ways to facilitate this process. Here are a few:
- Stay in the present moment. These gaps don’t happen in the past or the future, they always happen now, so we must be dwelling in the present in order to experience them. Be a willing participant in whatever is happening right now. Stay here with your whole being, as often as you can muster.
- Expect magic. You’re less likely to notice something you aren’t expecting (and even less likely to notice something you don’t believe it). If you expect magic, you’ll discover magic. What qualifies as magic? Virtually everything, if you’re fully open and present to it, holds awe-inspiring magic. Science and spirit both. When you expect magic, it’s not like magical things start popping up everywhere. The magical things already are everywhere; the difference is your clouded lens clears up and you see it.
- When you experience a “gap” or some magic, trust it. Don’t grasp at it. Don’t rush to write or talk about it. Don’t reach for your phone. If you feel yourself yearning to latch onto something habitual, just notice that squirming feeling inside you that wants the comfort of routine (even though it pales in comparison to this). Breathe and stay with it. Say “yes” to it with your whole being.
- Approach life with humility and innocence. Don’t assume anything. Drop your preconceptions and labels. See, hear, and feel the aspects of life that you’re not usually drawn to. Notice the spaces between the objects you usually focus on. What’s happening in the background? And how about the background behind the background?
- Take our course, Sacred Expansion. It starts on May 3rd and the purpose is to guide participants to discover what’s keeping you blocked or confined and help you expand into who you really are. Laura, a past participant, had this to say about her experience in the course: Sacred expansion truly changed my life. I was finally able to see me and begin the process of releasing the layers of ego identities and belief systems that were limiting my growth. People say I am like a different person now versus then. However, I liken it to my being myself without the encumbrances I was carrying that were not me. Click here for more information.
When we started the Dragontree, our mission was (and still is) to help people find peace. Back then it was mainly through massage, acupuncture, and healthy living. Over the years we’ve increasingly focused on guiding people to peace by helping them expand beyond their “small self.” I hope these suggestions help you do that.
Be well,
Peter
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In past articles I suggested that while it’s common to think that the essence of commitment is staying together no matter what, this is a pretty superficial interpretation. More meaningful is a commitment to a certain quality of relationship. What’s the value in saying “forever” if you’re not going to make it a wonderful forever?
If you’re in a committed relationship and are interested in improving it, it’s valuable to write about and discuss with your partner the qualities you’re committed to. If you’re not in a relationship but would like be in an ecstatic one, it’s useful to define these qualities beforehand. Below are some ideas to get you started.
Note that when I say “both people” in these examples, of course you can request that your partner agrees, but it’s important to begin with yourself. You and your partner are different people. If you’re fully participating and your partner isn’t on board with everything you’ve requested, let them explain what exactly they are willing to commit to. Then you can decide whether that works for you.
Be patient with them if you’ve never discussed ideas like these before. They may have some learning and catching up to do. Be tactful to help them understand that your interest in leveling-up the relationship doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong.
Kindness – A basic starting point for a mutually beneficial relationship is that both people treat each other (and themselves) with kind words and actions. This includes being flexible, forgiving, and striving to understand. To start, take a single day to be acutely mindful of the kindness – or lack thereof – in your words, thoughts, and behaviors (with regard to your partner). This may help you to recognize the potential breadth of kindness.
Honesty – Honesty means more than not telling lies or keeping secrets. High level honesty in a relationship designed for growth and synergy entails a great deal of self-awareness. You must know what’s actually going on within you in order to be honest with your words and actions. Otherwise there’s dissonance. Dissonance doesn’t feel good. It may cause you to subconsciously blame the other person or resent the relationship, and your partner will likely perceive it as a lack of closeness.
Engagement – It’s natural to have times when we’re wrapped up in our work, family responsibilities, or personal pursuits, with little left to invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand this, though not indefinitely. In order to get the most out of a relationship, both people must routinely (and enthusiastically) invest time, energy, and presence in it. If you’re finding yourself averse to doing so, return to Honesty and figure out what’s actually going on.
Mutuality – It may sound obvious that both people should aim to see and include the other as an equal, conscious being, but it’s exceedingly common to relate to a partner (or anyone else we know) through the internal mental representation we’ve created of them based on past interactions and judgments. In this way, we may treat each other more like objects than vessels of consciousness, light, and love. We may unconsciously regard them as an obstacle, or a thing that serves to give us something or make us happy. (Refer to last week’s article for some direction on authentic relating.)
Maturity – Living in an adult-size body doesn’t have much to do with maturity. Relationships can be great facilitators of growing up (which, by the way, doesn’t mean being serious, rigid, or boring). A commitment to maturity in a relationship might mean that both parties endeavor to show up as responsible adults; doing our best not to let our inner child run us (and being honest about when it is); not blaming the other for our own stuff; not playing parent to our partner; being transparent, brave, and communicative.
Integrity – In a relationship of integrity, we aim to keep our agreements with ourselves and our partner. We are consistent. We are trustworthy. We strive to maintain harmony between who we are and who we say we want to be. Finally, we do these things not out of a feeling of obligation but with a spirit of rising to the occasion.
I hope this article has given you some ideas of the sorts of qualities you wish to commit to in current or future relationships. I can barely imagine the great ways the world would change if we all made such conscious commitments.
Be well,
Peter
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