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In working with the community that has developed around our Dreambook, Briana and I have encountered people looking for many different forms of life-optimization. While there’s plenty of guidance we can offer someone to help them figure out and actualize what makes them happy, we meet quite a lot of people who essentially already have it. They really are living the dream. The main issue is that they just don’t see it.
They often suffer from what my friend Andy Dooley calls “lousy and lazy thinking.” Today I want to talk about the antidote. Whether you’ve already got a great thing going or there’s clearly a gap between where you are now and where you want to be, either way, you’ll benefit from being deliberate with how you use your attention.
Attention is like fertilizer. When you put your attention on something it grows.
This is why panicky thoughts tend to balloon and pain tends to increase when we focus on it. Unfortunately, bad experiences also tend to cut deeper grooves in our inner terrain, causing stronger memories and a tendency to be retriggered. We can easily get into a negative feedback loop as the thought “something’s wrong” demands our attention and then gets fed by it.
Our nervous system is just trying to be helpful; we’re wired this way to ensure our survival. Thus, it’s by design that things that signal danger are able to usurp our attention. But even while the risk of physical danger is lower than ever for most modern humans, we’ve trained ourselves to react similarly to a very broad range of other conditions, like money scarcity and situations that could lead to disapproval by our peers (because we subconsciously associate both money and our tribe’s approval with our survival).
But as humans with highly evolved brains capable of reasoning, we don’t need to be run by our animalistic side. We can change our default programs. One of the best antidotes is get a hold of that mind and put your attention on something else. Your two best options are (1) whatever you are currently engaged with (A.K.A. mindfulness) (2) anything that is good, fascinating, funny, joyous, celebratory, beautiful, loving, trustworthy, kind, generous, or peaceful.
By putting your attention on what is good and what is here and now, you fertilize those parts of life and override your overactive survival mechanisms. Not only does this help heal you of the tendency to focus on the bad (or possibly-maybe-could-be-bad), if you do it enough it actually starts to change your life.
If you’re using the Dreambook, an easy thing to put your attention on is all the goals you achieve. Too often we complete something, barely register it, and move on to the next thing. Just pausing, acknowledging, and celebrating this achievement amplifies the feelings of satisfaction, self-trust, and gratitude.
Revel in those feelings. The satisfaction of completion – like finishing a puzzle or making it to the finish line – is a combination of relief and delight. The feeling of self-trust is like an inner stability and fortitude. You said you were going to do this and you do it. You can rely on yourself. You will always be there for you. Finally, gratitude makes you feel expansive and connected. Consider all the internal powers (your body, your ingenuity, your creativity, your persistence, etc.), external powers (the people and resources that helped you get it done), and spiritual powers (the vision, strength, and gifts of your Highest Self) that made this possible. It’s like saying to your system, “I’m pressing the save button. I’m configuring myself for trust, fulfillment, serendipities, and optimism.”
While it’s especially important to do this with your big quarterly and one-year or longer-term goals, it’s perfectly wonderful to do it with your monthly, weekly, and daily goals too. In fact, the more you celebrate the more you start to notice reasons to celebrate.
Be so well,
Peter
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In past articles I suggested that while it’s common to think that the essence of commitment is staying together no matter what, this is a pretty superficial interpretation. More meaningful is a commitment to a certain quality of relationship. What’s the value in saying “forever” if you’re not going to make it a wonderful forever?
If you’re in a committed relationship and are interested in improving it, it’s valuable to write about and discuss with your partner the qualities you’re committed to. If you’re not in a relationship but would like be in an ecstatic one, it’s useful to define these qualities beforehand. Below are some ideas to get you started.
Note that when I say “both people” in these examples, of course you can request that your partner agrees, but it’s important to begin with yourself. You and your partner are different people. If you’re fully participating and your partner isn’t on board with everything you’ve requested, let them explain what exactly they are willing to commit to. Then you can decide whether that works for you.
Be patient with them if you’ve never discussed ideas like these before. They may have some learning and catching up to do. Be tactful to help them understand that your interest in leveling-up the relationship doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong.
Kindness – A basic starting point for a mutually beneficial relationship is that both people treat each other (and themselves) with kind words and actions. This includes being flexible, forgiving, and striving to understand. To start, take a single day to be acutely mindful of the kindness – or lack thereof – in your words, thoughts, and behaviors (with regard to your partner). This may help you to recognize the potential breadth of kindness.
Honesty – Honesty means more than not telling lies or keeping secrets. High level honesty in a relationship designed for growth and synergy entails a great deal of self-awareness. You must know what’s actually going on within you in order to be honest with your words and actions. Otherwise there’s dissonance. Dissonance doesn’t feel good. It may cause you to subconsciously blame the other person or resent the relationship, and your partner will likely perceive it as a lack of closeness.
Engagement – It’s natural to have times when we’re wrapped up in our work, family responsibilities, or personal pursuits, with little left to invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand this, though not indefinitely. In order to get the most out of a relationship, both people must routinely (and enthusiastically) invest time, energy, and presence in it. If you’re finding yourself averse to doing so, return to Honesty and figure out what’s actually going on.
Mutuality – It may sound obvious that both people should aim to see and include the other as an equal, conscious being, but it’s exceedingly common to relate to a partner (or anyone else we know) through the internal mental representation we’ve created of them based on past interactions and judgments. In this way, we may treat each other more like objects than vessels of consciousness, light, and love. We may unconsciously regard them as an obstacle, or a thing that serves to give us something or make us happy. (Refer to last week’s article for some direction on authentic relating.)
Maturity – Living in an adult-size body doesn’t have much to do with maturity. Relationships can be great facilitators of growing up (which, by the way, doesn’t mean being serious, rigid, or boring). A commitment to maturity in a relationship might mean that both parties endeavor to show up as responsible adults; doing our best not to let our inner child run us (and being honest about when it is); not blaming the other for our own stuff; not playing parent to our partner; being transparent, brave, and communicative.
Integrity – In a relationship of integrity, we aim to keep our agreements with ourselves and our partner. We are consistent. We are trustworthy. We strive to maintain harmony between who we are and who we say we want to be. Finally, we do these things not out of a feeling of obligation but with a spirit of rising to the occasion.
I hope this article has given you some ideas of the sorts of qualities you wish to commit to in current or future relationships. I can barely imagine the great ways the world would change if we all made such conscious commitments.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Relationship Repair Part Three: Choose Qualities to Commit To
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One of the earliest inspirations that prompted me to go into medicine was a book called The Science of Homeopathy by George Vithoulkas. Of all the many modalities of mainstream and alternative medicine, few are as widely used – or criticized – as homeopathy.
Most other medical systems are heteropathic or allopathic in their approach. Hetero means other or different, allo means opposite, and pathy means suffering or disease. So, both terms mean producing a condition that is incompatible with or antagonistic to the disease process. Today many people use the term “allopathic” in a negative sense to describe mainstream medicine, but if you take an anti-inflammatory herb such as turmeric for inflammation, or an antibacterial such as garlic for an infection, this is allopathic medicine.
Homeopathy is based on the idea that if a particular substance produces a certain reaction (e.g., ipecacuanha causes nausea and vomiting), minuscule quantities of that substance can treat that condition (e.g., homeopathic ipecacuanha alleviates nausea and vomiting). Homeo means like, so homeopathy means “like the disease” and it’s based on the principle that “like treats like.” Some other examples are the use of homeopathic coffee (Coffea cruda) to treat insomnia and agitation, homeopathic onion (Allium cepa) for red and watery eyes and nose, and homeopathic bee venom (Apis) for stings, swellings, and inflammation.
For what it’s worth, not all remedies work this way. In many cases, homeopathic preparations do the same thing the original substance does. The remedy Chamomilla, for instance, is homeopathic chamomile, and like the herb, it is used for digestive and emotional upset. Sometimes homeopathic versions are safer, gentler, more potent, or have a broader range of application. In the case of Chamomilla, it’s also used for teething, ear pain, and menstrual discomfort.
Homeopathic remedies are created through numerous successive dilutions of herbs, minerals, animal parts and occasionally other substances. When the original substance is diluted in ten parts of a solvent (water or alcohol), this is called an X dilution (X being the Roman numeral for ten). When the substance is diluted in one hundred parts of a solvent, this is a C dilution (C being the Roman numeral for hundred). Each time a dilution is made it is shaken in a specific way to transfer the substance to the solvent, and each successive dilution, though chemically weaker, is considered energetically more potent. I made this chart to explain the process:
Many homeopathic remedies are made from highly toxic substances, like arsenic or deadly nightshade. In these cases, the original substance is so highly diluted that the amount of toxin in a resulting pill or tincture is infinitesimal. Often, it’s unlikely that there is even a single molecule of the original substance in the resulting medicine. This is precisely why opponents of homeopathy argue that it’s worthless and call it pseudoscience.
As a scientist, I completely understand this stance, but in my opinion, what occurs in the preparation of a homeopathic remedy is something we don’t yet have the science to explain. I believe the substance leaves some kind of energetic imprint on the solvent it is diluted in. We know from Masaru Emoto’s research on water that various substances and even human intention are capable of leaving a lasting mark on water molecules that’s evidenced in the different forms of ice crystals it forms when frozen. I believe a similar process occurs through diluting and shaking a substance in water, even when the substance is eventually removed.
I must admit, my own experience with homeopathy has been hit-or-miss. I’ve taken numerous remedies that did nothing perceptible. As to whether I chose the wrong remedy or it wasn’t medicinally effective, I’ll never know. But I have also had cases in which homeopathics were remarkably effective.
This has been especially true with babies and animals, and these are cases we could assume are relatively free from the influence of the placebo effect since the recipients are presumably unaware that they’re getting medicine. In particular, I have repeatedly had the experience of giving homeopathic teething tablets to babies that were inconsolable, and within minutes they were peaceful and sleepy. As a parent, I don’t care what the mechanism is as long as it’s safe and it works.
The safety factor is significant, particularly for children, pregnant women, and elderly or frail people. Not only are homeopathics virtually free of side effects, they also tend to have zero “load” on the system. That is, they don’t make you feel like you’re on a drug. Sometimes this may come at the expense of strength (e.g., homeopathic Chamomilla doesn’t approach the potency of Xanax), but there are cases when the top priority is a clean experience. I find this to be especially true in anxiety, when making someone feel drugged can occasionally intensify the anxiety.
Have you tried homeopathy? What did you think? Share with us in the comments section. I would love to hear about your experience.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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In working with the community that has developed around our Dreambook, Briana and I have encountered people looking for many different forms of life-optimization. While there’s plenty of guidance we can offer someone to help them figure out and actualize what makes them happy, we meet quite a lot of people who essentially already have it. They really are living the dream. The main issue is that they just don’t see it.
They often suffer from what my friend Andy Dooley calls “lousy and lazy thinking.” Today I want to talk about the antidote. Whether you’ve already got a great thing going or there’s clearly a gap between where you are now and where you want to be, either way, you’ll benefit from being deliberate with how you use your attention.
Attention is like fertilizer. When you put your attention on something it grows.
This is why panicky thoughts tend to balloon and pain tends to increase when we focus on it. Unfortunately, bad experiences also tend to cut deeper grooves in our inner terrain, causing stronger memories and a tendency to be retriggered. We can easily get into a negative feedback loop as the thought “something’s wrong” demands our attention and then gets fed by it.
Our nervous system is just trying to be helpful; we’re wired this way to ensure our survival. Thus, it’s by design that things that signal danger are able to usurp our attention. But even while the risk of physical danger is lower than ever for most modern humans, we’ve trained ourselves to react similarly to a very broad range of other conditions, like money scarcity and situations that could lead to disapproval by our peers (because we subconsciously associate both money and our tribe’s approval with our survival).
But as humans with highly evolved brains capable of reasoning, we don’t need to be run by our animalistic side. We can change our default programs. One of the best antidotes is get a hold of that mind and put your attention on something else. Your two best options are (1) whatever you are currently engaged with (A.K.A. mindfulness) (2) anything that is good, fascinating, funny, joyous, celebratory, beautiful, loving, trustworthy, kind, generous, or peaceful.
By putting your attention on what is good and what is here and now, you fertilize those parts of life and override your overactive survival mechanisms. Not only does this help heal you of the tendency to focus on the bad (or possibly-maybe-could-be-bad), if you do it enough it actually starts to change your life.
If you’re using the Dreambook, an easy thing to put your attention on is all the goals you achieve. Too often we complete something, barely register it, and move on to the next thing. Just pausing, acknowledging, and celebrating this achievement amplifies the feelings of satisfaction, self-trust, and gratitude.
Revel in those feelings. The satisfaction of completion – like finishing a puzzle or making it to the finish line – is a combination of relief and delight. The feeling of self-trust is like an inner stability and fortitude. You said you were going to do this and you do it. You can rely on yourself. You will always be there for you. Finally, gratitude makes you feel expansive and connected. Consider all the internal powers (your body, your ingenuity, your creativity, your persistence, etc.), external powers (the people and resources that helped you get it done), and spiritual powers (the vision, strength, and gifts of your Highest Self) that made this possible. It’s like saying to your system, “I’m pressing the save button. I’m configuring myself for trust, fulfillment, serendipities, and optimism.”
While it’s especially important to do this with your big quarterly and one-year or longer-term goals, it’s perfectly wonderful to do it with your monthly, weekly, and daily goals too. In fact, the more you celebrate the more you start to notice reasons to celebrate.
Be so well,
Peter
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