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I once had an acquaintance who loved to tell people what to do. I never asked her what to do, but I got told what to do more times than I can remember. She could use any opening as a way to fix your life. “What you need to do . . .” she’d start, and then she’d go on to prescribe a break-up, a diet, a new career, or a parenting method. I know she meant well, but the implication behind this unsolicited advice was, “You can’t manage your own life.”
A mutual friend once commented, “She would make a good life coach.”
I couldn’t help saying, “I disagree.”
While I’m sure there are people out there who would love to pay someone to tell them exactly what to do, in my opinion that’s not what good coaching looks like.
Life coaches do a lot of things. They help clients identify their goals; work together to develop a plan for achieving them; track their progress; assist them to uncover and release patterns that aren’t working; hold space for them to get to know themselves better; witness them in their strengths and weaknesses; hold them to their agreements; reflect on their communication style and explore ways to improve it; encourage a growth mindset; help them discover their gifts, values, and purpose; and more.
As I see it, a coach’s role is to help a person be the best version of themselves. Like teaching someone to fish versus simply giving them a fish, the highest goal for the client is personal evolution – not reliance on the coach’s advice.
The life coach who understands this is inevitably on the same path themselves. I’ve witnessed it through the years that we’ve been offering the Dragontree Life Coach training program. In the process of becoming a good coach, you learn so much that you want to apply to yourself. You’re naturally drawn to “walk your talk,” to embody the principles you use to guide others. You experience that when there’s coherence between how you live and how you coach, your coaching is more effective. And, over and over, you hear yourself say something to a client and a voice inside says, “I need to hear this too.”
The great coaches I’ve known find it tremendously gratifying to know they’re making a positive difference in their clients’ lives. And even while they can say, “I’m pretty good at this,” they have the humility that comes from having seen that the most brilliant transformations often resulted not from the times they told a client “I know what you need” but from the “I honestly don’t know” moments. They never stop learning and growing.
If you’d like to find a coach to help you be the best version of yourself, click here to browse our directory of Dragontree Life Coaching graduates.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => What it Means to be a Coach
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Unbeknownst to most Americans, the world is full of animists. According to Professor Stephen Asma of Columbia College Chicago, “Pretty much everywhere except Western Europe, the Middle East, and North America” is dominated by animistic cultures. Animism is the belief that everything has a soul or spiritual essence; not just living things, but also mountains, fire, the sky, the sea, and sometimes even words and human-made objects.
In practice, though, it’s more than just a belief. It’s a sensibility, a way of experiencing and interacting with the world. Animists relate to their surroundings with a certain intentionality, as if constantly among old friends.
To people in the developed world, such beliefs might seem primitive and superstitious. After all, who needs a world full of spirits when we have science? Science has given us explanations and inventions that have alleviated many hardships and dispelled so much fear.
But it hasn’t made us invincible or immune to fear. We’re still afraid of death, suffering, being alone, poverty, public humiliation, paper cuts, and so on. There’s little solace in science from these bugaboos.
Its other major shortcoming is that science has sucked the spirituality out of life. By reducing everything to cells and atoms, electromagnetic waves and neurotransmitters, it puts the whole phenomenal world beneath us. This promotes a certain feeling of ownership over the world – rather than a sense of belonging to it. If we put all our eggs into the science basket, life can seem random, lacking meaning and soul.
Science and Spirit aren’t mutually exclusive. But ever since early anthropologists looked down their noses at animistic cultures – seeing them as too dumb to know the difference between living and nonliving things, and giving their leaders justification to colonize and oppress them – the developed world has favored science as the ultimate authority. As we seek to right such wrongs, perhaps it’s worth considering not just what indigenous cultures lost, but what the oppressors also lost.
To an animist, the scientist is missing out on an entire plane of reality that’s beneath the surface and accessible only through an expansion of consciousness. To a scientist, the subjective reality of the animist’s consciousness is unmeasurable, untestable, unprovable, and therefore unscientific and even unreal.
What would be possible if we stopped using science to dominate or invalidate what we don’t understand? Can we concede – scientists included – that not everything is a scientific matter? This applies foremost to consciousness itself, which is entirely beyond the grasp of science, and arguably the only thing we know for certain to be real. We also know that humans yearn for a connection that’s beyond the ability of science to explain or provide.
You don’t need to be anti-science to be open to a spiritual reality. I say this as a scientist and animist.
If you’re open to it, I have a simple assignment for you to try this week. Consider this: how might your life be different if you treated your surroundings as if you were in relationship with them? Make it a lighthearted game.
What happens when you express gratitude to your bed, sheets, and pillow upon waking? What happens when you allow yourself to be in awe of the shimmering water that flows, as if by magic, from your showerhead? How does it feel to thank it for invigorating and purifying you? Does it feel any different to bless your food before eating it and thank it for giving itself to nourish you?
What is it like to thank your home for keeping you safe and comfortable? When you step outside, what happens when you experience the earth as the ever-present stability beneath your feet, supporting you and nurturing everything that grows upon it? What do you notice when you give names to the familiar trees or rocks in your neighborhood? How does it feel different to think of the sky as a beautiful, conscious dome over you versus your usual way? What changes when you think of all the animals you encounter as non-human people, each with an equally valid reason to be here as the human people you see?
And what happens when you listen and feel as if all these aspects of the world have something to communicate back to you?
When I say, “What happens?” I’m not (necessarily) asking, “Does your pillow respond, ‘Thanks for finally saying something! It was a pleasure to cradle your head all night!’?” More importantly, I’m asking, how does it make you feel to relate to the world in this way in comparison to your usual way? And if the answer is, “good” or “better” or “playful,” then keep going with it.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => What if You Were Always Surrounded by Friends?
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An old tai ji quan (tai chi) teacher of mine used to say, "Yi dao ... qi dao ... li dao," which roughly means the focus of your mind (yi dao) dictates the way your energy moves (qi dao) which dictates the expression of your power. (This utterance came mostly when he noticed that I was looking distracted.) In other words, the ability to effectively direct your power is founded in the ability to effectively focus your mind.
Mental focus, known as yi, is one of the five aspects of consciousness defined in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). Each of the five is considered to be associated with a particular part of the body, and the yi corresponds with the digestive system. In a way digestion is a kind of inner focus. When food enters the body, the digestive tract focuses its attention on it – breaking it down to its elemental parts, extracting what’s useful, and absorbing it. It makes sense that we use the word “digest” to speak about processing and assimilating a new or challenging idea or experience.
Disruption of the digestive system frequently goes hand in hand with poor mental focus. The most common example is Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder in people who have a poor diet and/or erratic food intake and/or food sensitivities and/or gut imbalances.
There are two main patterns of digestive imbalance as it relates to mental function. The first is poor assimilation of the vital nutrients in our food, leading to a state of deficiency and a “malnourished mind.” The second is the development of phlegm, which makes us cloudy-headed and may further impede the assimilation of nutrients. The Chinese medical use of the word "phlegm" here denotes a much broader concept than simple mucus. Phlegm is anything that impedes our flow or accumulates in us but serves no functional purpose, such as plaques, cysts, excess body fat, or any other similarly tenacious “gunk” in our system. It may be tangible or intangible, and it doesn't go away easily.
Phlegm can form as a byproduct of impaired digestion. Sometimes it develops when we’re exposed to foods that irritate the body – similar to how an oyster secretes pearl material when it’s irritated by a grain of sand. Other times it develops because something else disturbs the digestive process (such as trying to digest too much mental material while trying to digest food, or eating while the eating, nervous system is activated by stress), leading to incomplete assimilation of nutrients and excretion of waste.
TCM’s notion of a digestive origin for mental disturbances is shared by Ayurveda, the traditional medical system of India, which goes so far as to say that all health problems originate in the gut. Recently these millennia-old concepts have been corroborated through our emerging understanding of the gut-brain axis – the complex interplay between the gastrointestinal tract, its microbial population, and the central nervous system.
Let’s look at some ways we can improve digestion for better mental health.
- Choose nutrient-dense foods. Support high-quality thinking with high-quality nourishment: fresh vegetables, nuts and seeds, clean proteins (free range omega-3 eggs, organic grass-fed dairy products, sustainably grown oily fish, small amounts of pasture raised meat), whole fruits, and a little whole grain. Limit your intake of fried foods, sweetened foods, and flour.
- Avoid foods you’re sensitive to. One of the most common symptoms of eating a food that’s incompatible with your system is lower energy and less-sharp thinking. Keep a food journal and track of any foods you don’t thrive on. If it’s hard to determine, consider doing an elimination diet or elemental diet (powdered, hypoallergenic meal replacement) to clean out and then systematically reintroduce foods.
- Eat in a slow, relaxed, conscious way. Unlike filling up your gas tank, which you want to be as fast as possible, eating isn’t merely a “fill up” – it’s also a way to tune in, to savor, to be grateful, and to consciously nourish your mind-body. There can be a vast qualitative difference between a rushed meal you barely pay attention to versus one you enjoy to the fullest. Get media out of the eating space. Set your stresses aside. Stay connected to the act of eating.
- Stop eating before you’re full. Stop eating before you’re full. Stop eating before you’re full.
- Try bitters. Bitter digestive-stimulating herbs have the dual effect of toning the digestive tract and clearing toxins and phlegm. Bitters as cocktail mixers are experiencing a surge of popularity, so there are more blends available than ever. I recommend a mixture of pure bitters such as gentian, rhubarb root, myrrh, Peruvian bark, goldenseal, yellow dock, barberry, or Oregon grape root with some aromatic carminative spices (promoting assimilation), such as citrus peel, anise, fennel, caraway, cardamom, or ginger. Take a squirt before and/or after each meal in a little water.
- Move a little after meals. A walk is perfect. This helps promote assimilation.
- If you need extra support, consider a good digestive enzyme blend. These supplement what your pancreas produces (and won’t cause your body to produce less) and help in the breakdown of food for better absorption. There are many good products out there. Two of my favorites are DigestZymes made by Designs for Health and Digest made by Transformation Enzymes. Take some at the beginning of each meal. Sometimes they make a remarkable difference.
Interestingly, the connection between digestion and mental function works both ways. Not only can impaired digestion contribute to diminished cognitive function, mental and emotional disturbances can also contribute to poor digestion. Worry, in particular, is considered taxing to the digestive mechanisms in TCM because it habitually engages the digestive mechanisms as you “chew” on problems. If you can make mealtimes a ritual in which you always take a break from thinking about stressful things, you’ll not only enjoy your food more, you’ll also derive greater benefit from it.
Be well,
Peter
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I once had an acquaintance who loved to tell people what to do. I never asked her what to do, but I got told what to do more times than I can remember. She could use any opening as a way to fix your life. “What you need to do . . .” she’d start, and then she’d go on to prescribe a break-up, a diet, a new career, or a parenting method. I know she meant well, but the implication behind this unsolicited advice was, “You can’t manage your own life.”
A mutual friend once commented, “She would make a good life coach.”
I couldn’t help saying, “I disagree.”
While I’m sure there are people out there who would love to pay someone to tell them exactly what to do, in my opinion that’s not what good coaching looks like.
Life coaches do a lot of things. They help clients identify their goals; work together to develop a plan for achieving them; track their progress; assist them to uncover and release patterns that aren’t working; hold space for them to get to know themselves better; witness them in their strengths and weaknesses; hold them to their agreements; reflect on their communication style and explore ways to improve it; encourage a growth mindset; help them discover their gifts, values, and purpose; and more.
As I see it, a coach’s role is to help a person be the best version of themselves. Like teaching someone to fish versus simply giving them a fish, the highest goal for the client is personal evolution – not reliance on the coach’s advice.
The life coach who understands this is inevitably on the same path themselves. I’ve witnessed it through the years that we’ve been offering the Dragontree Life Coach training program. In the process of becoming a good coach, you learn so much that you want to apply to yourself. You’re naturally drawn to “walk your talk,” to embody the principles you use to guide others. You experience that when there’s coherence between how you live and how you coach, your coaching is more effective. And, over and over, you hear yourself say something to a client and a voice inside says, “I need to hear this too.”
The great coaches I’ve known find it tremendously gratifying to know they’re making a positive difference in their clients’ lives. And even while they can say, “I’m pretty good at this,” they have the humility that comes from having seen that the most brilliant transformations often resulted not from the times they told a client “I know what you need” but from the “I honestly don’t know” moments. They never stop learning and growing.
If you’d like to find a coach to help you be the best version of yourself, click here to browse our directory of Dragontree Life Coaching graduates.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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