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One of my favorite sections of our Dreambook occupies only two-thirds of a page. It’s about discovering your core values. It’s easy to skip it. I know you could go through life only rarely, if ever, giving a thought to your core values. Or you could complete this part – choosing some appealing words from our list of suggestions, such as kindness, honesty, openness and love – and then quickly forget what you chose and why.
But what if we called them needs instead? What if I said, virtually everything you do is motivated by an attempt to get one or more of these values / needs met, and the same is true for everyone else? How might your communications be different if you could perceive the core values that are driving you and others?
A lot changes when we understand the underlying needs that move us, especially when we’re in conflict. For instance, the other day I was on the phone with a company that had really under-delivered on the large sum we paid for their services. I found myself getting angry and raising my voice even though I realized that the agent I was speaking with probably had nothing to do with it.
As I tuned in to figure out the underlying need that was pushing me, I realized it was fairness. Just to name it out loud felt better. “This isn’t fair,” I said. “It was reasonable to expect your company would do . . . but you didn’t, and then you still charged us the full amount.”
When we hit upon the value at the root of some conflict, we often feel more grounded in the situation – even if the circumstances don’t change. Here are five reasons why:
First, if we’re unaware of the core need behind our upset, we’re usually run instead by our feelings and the belief that things aren’t going our way. As soon as we see the need, there’s clarity: “Ah. This is what I value. This is what’s really driving me.”
Second, when we discover the underlying need and recognize that it’s a value, it’s easy to expand from “I want this for me” to “I want this for everyone.” This gives us perspective that lifts us out of the small feelings that are often engendered by the involvement of our inner child. With regard to fairness, the inner child of course understands “no fair!” from a self-centered point of view, but the mature inner adult grasps big picture fairness in a way that goes beyond one’s personal wants.
Third, it makes us more effective at getting another person to see our point of view when we know the core value that’s inspiring us.
Fourth, we can make rational, direct requests to achieve resolution because we know what we’re aiming for.
Fifth, when we know the need, we can almost always find more than one way to get it met.
I encourage you to consider this perspective when you’re working on the Core Values section of your Dreambook. If you’re having trouble, consider something you feel strongly about and ask yourself, “What would I get out of this?” Keep asking until you get to a refined, one word answer.
If you have about a situation like mine that you feel unsettled about, ask yourself, “What could have been done to resolve this or make it better?” And then ask yourself, “Why would that be better? What would I have?”
Also look at positive motivations. For example: Why do I like running? It keeps me healthy. What else? I release stress. I feel free. I feel strong. I feel connected to my higher self. These are great ways to home in on underlying values. Besides the list of sample core values in the Dreambook, consider these others: Peace. Security. Choice. Freedom. Creativity. Organization. Loyalty. Cleanliness. Clarity. Ease. Justice.
As you go through your day, check in a few times and see if you can discern what needs/values are currently moving you. Let’s try it right now. What motivated you to read this article? What do hope to get out of it? A feeling of peace? A feeling of achievement? Learning or greater self-awareness? Better communication and relationships? Clarity? Whatever you come up with, is that the value itself, or do you need to take it a step deeper to get to the value?
I believe that when we do the work to know ourselves deeply, this not only serves us personally, our clarity also benefits the community around us.
Be well,
Peter
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As a weight-obsessed culture, we don’t often want to think of ourselves as big, but there’s an expression you hear once in a while – “That’s big of you” – and it means something good. TheFreeDictionary.com defines it as: “Noble or commendable” (unfortunately it adds, “this phrase is often said sarcastically”).
It’s as if we experience a person as somehow bigger when they embody their virtuousness. In contrast, when someone acts from animalistic drives, out of selfishness, fear, rigidity, or spite, we often see them as small.
These perceptions make sense because when we’re acting from our “big self,” we have access to a broader palette of options. We have the perspective to step back from the charged elements of a situation and choose who we want to be. When we’re in our “small self” we have few options; our emotions and narrow beliefs are in the driver’s seat.
This is why Briana and I so often lean on the words growth and expansion when discussing the work we do and the processes by which people overcome limitations. And it’s why we chose the name Sacred Expansion for our upcoming course.
When our kids were little, they would sometimes talk to us about getting older and what that meant. They’d proudly point out that they were older or bigger than some other kid, as if this signified a higher level of importance. And they would proclaim that when they got to be 20, or 30, or 100 years old, they’d be SO big and SO grown-up. Usually I would just enjoy this fantasy with them, but once in a while I’d explain that we don’t actually get much taller after our teen years . . . and many people don’t really continue to “grow up” after that age either.
The latter point was probably lost on them, but I think it’s important that they understand it as they get closer to being adults: our psychological makeup doesn’t necessarily get upgraded as our body matures. There are plenty of children in the world operating through adult bodies. Knowing this can make it easier to find compassion for each other.
This arrested development is mostly the result of our animalistic wiring (survival, pain avoidance, and pleasure-seeking) combined with restrictive programming from our parents and community. Each generation indoctrinates the next in both the wisdom and limitations of those who came before us. Often our socialization holds us back, instilling so many with a message that amounts to “life is a struggle; just get through it.”
But we can help each other. One inspired person can light up another, and from there the illumination can continue to spread. We all have the ability to liberate ourselves from the programming that holds us back. Often requires improving our self-awareness, honestly examining the ways we’re restricted, and choosing to release the beliefs and baggage that are degrading us. While this isn’t easy, it doesn’t have to be terrifying or tedious.
It can even be a process full of beauty and grace. That’s the idea behind Sacred Expansion. My wife, Briana, leads participants through a process of self-exploration that’s utilizes the imagery of the seasons and the language of the natural world that’s deep within each of us. Though it entails some work, the rewards come pretty quickly. While you recognize that you have a lifetime of growth and expansion ahead of you, you also know that you’ve got this. And it just gets better and better.
I heartily encourage you to join us. We start this Tuesday! And we always provide replays for those who can't make it to the live sessions.
Be well,
Peter
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Previously I wrote about how community is like medicine. Our circle of fellow humans goes through this amazing journey with us . . . encouraging us, witnessing us, screaming with us on the roller coasters, and holding our hand when we take our last breath. My orientation in that article was toward what community can do for us, but it’s at least as important to look at what we can do for our community.
I was reading about a Native American grief ritual described by Black Elk, and while the ritual itself was interesting, what stuck with me was his assertion that long-held grief isn’t good for a person or the community to which that person belongs. That is, when someone is mired in suffering, this can have a negative impact on their community.
You can probably think of plenty of examples where a glaring state of imbalance, such as rage or terror, could result in behaviors that are detrimental to others. But the effects of less dramatic, often chronic negative states are subtler. What happens – besides their own discomfort – when a person is trapped in depression, anxiety, or grief for years? One repercussion is that they have a diminished capacity to fully show up in their community. We might think, “Well, the community doesn’t really need me to be at my best,” but imagine going to a place where almost everyone was depressed, afraid, or angry. Such places do exist, of course, and you can feel it as a palpable mass degradation of the human spirit.
These days we may feel that we don’t have any real obligation to our community, which is so different from how humans have operated for most of our history. Today community may be seen as an entirely optional part of life. We can live in near isolation while anonymous members of our community manage the utilities that provide us with power, water, and internet, take away our garbage, maintain our roads, even deliver our groceries. It feels like independence, but in truth we’re more dependent than ever on an infrastructure other humans maintain – we just don’t know who those humans are.
We’ve lost our sense of responsibility to our community. It’s due in part to the feeling that our government is huge, remote, and corrupt. But if our response is to disengage, the situation can only get worse. If anything, the sense of disconnection from our elected representatives and neighbors should magnify the need to do what we can to make a positive difference. It’s not just an obligation, it’s also an opportunity. If we can recognize and accept that our quality of presence affects others, this may inspire us to be our best selves. And it’s not just a matter of what we do but also who we are and how we are. Becoming fundamentally well inside helps heal the community. Imagine how healthily a community of fundamentally well people manages challenges.
If you’ve been struggling, I don’t mean to make you feel guilty as well; that won’t help you or your community. Rather than focusing on the negative impact your unwellness might have on your community, consider that getting well is good for you and it’s good for your community. Sometimes it’s easier to do it for others than for yourself.
Years ago, I read A Course in Miracles with friends. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a book on spiritual awakening with a section of scripture and a year-long workbook of daily lessons. It’s not for everyone, but I gained some valuable insights from going through it. One of those insights occurred when I encountered this passage: “Lesson 66: My happiness and my function are one.”
Whereas I had tended to think of my happiness as a personal thing – sometimes even a selfish thing – this spiritual book was telling me that being happy (true, causeless happiness) is one of the greatest things I can do for the world. As I meditated on it, I saw clearly that the happy people I’ve known were like lights in every setting they entered. Without even intending it, they had a therapeutic effect on everyone they encountered. Not only did they tend to uplift those around them, in an unspoken way they communicated that this is a possibility for you, too. Happiness is a perspective, a choice. If I can choose it, you can choose it.
Being happy makes us more peaceful, compassionate, and creative. It gives us the freedom to see a bigger picture, rather than focusing on what’s wrong or bad. Even just one happy person in a room full of scared people can change the whole atmosphere – and the choices that community makes.
So I encourage you to consider this week:
- Who am I and what role do I play in my various communities?
- How have I been affected by the genuinely happy people I’ve known?
- What do I believe stands between me and being one of those happy people?
- What happens when I make a conscious choice of how I’m going to show up in a given setting?
- When I give, what do I receive?
- How do I feel when I put myself in service to others?
- Where could I dedicate myself to more actively resolve any unhealthy patterns of thought, communication, or behavior?
- How will I be different as I heal, and how will I affect my community differently as I release my baggage?
- When will I choose happiness?
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => The Best Thing You Can Do For the World is to Be Genuinely Happy
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One of my favorite sections of our Dreambook occupies only two-thirds of a page. It’s about discovering your core values. It’s easy to skip it. I know you could go through life only rarely, if ever, giving a thought to your core values. Or you could complete this part – choosing some appealing words from our list of suggestions, such as kindness, honesty, openness and love – and then quickly forget what you chose and why.
But what if we called them needs instead? What if I said, virtually everything you do is motivated by an attempt to get one or more of these values / needs met, and the same is true for everyone else? How might your communications be different if you could perceive the core values that are driving you and others?
A lot changes when we understand the underlying needs that move us, especially when we’re in conflict. For instance, the other day I was on the phone with a company that had really under-delivered on the large sum we paid for their services. I found myself getting angry and raising my voice even though I realized that the agent I was speaking with probably had nothing to do with it.
As I tuned in to figure out the underlying need that was pushing me, I realized it was fairness. Just to name it out loud felt better. “This isn’t fair,” I said. “It was reasonable to expect your company would do . . . but you didn’t, and then you still charged us the full amount.”
When we hit upon the value at the root of some conflict, we often feel more grounded in the situation – even if the circumstances don’t change. Here are five reasons why:
First, if we’re unaware of the core need behind our upset, we’re usually run instead by our feelings and the belief that things aren’t going our way. As soon as we see the need, there’s clarity: “Ah. This is what I value. This is what’s really driving me.”
Second, when we discover the underlying need and recognize that it’s a value, it’s easy to expand from “I want this for me” to “I want this for everyone.” This gives us perspective that lifts us out of the small feelings that are often engendered by the involvement of our inner child. With regard to fairness, the inner child of course understands “no fair!” from a self-centered point of view, but the mature inner adult grasps big picture fairness in a way that goes beyond one’s personal wants.
Third, it makes us more effective at getting another person to see our point of view when we know the core value that’s inspiring us.
Fourth, we can make rational, direct requests to achieve resolution because we know what we’re aiming for.
Fifth, when we know the need, we can almost always find more than one way to get it met.
I encourage you to consider this perspective when you’re working on the Core Values section of your Dreambook. If you’re having trouble, consider something you feel strongly about and ask yourself, “What would I get out of this?” Keep asking until you get to a refined, one word answer.
If you have about a situation like mine that you feel unsettled about, ask yourself, “What could have been done to resolve this or make it better?” And then ask yourself, “Why would that be better? What would I have?”
Also look at positive motivations. For example: Why do I like running? It keeps me healthy. What else? I release stress. I feel free. I feel strong. I feel connected to my higher self. These are great ways to home in on underlying values. Besides the list of sample core values in the Dreambook, consider these others: Peace. Security. Choice. Freedom. Creativity. Organization. Loyalty. Cleanliness. Clarity. Ease. Justice.
As you go through your day, check in a few times and see if you can discern what needs/values are currently moving you. Let’s try it right now. What motivated you to read this article? What do hope to get out of it? A feeling of peace? A feeling of achievement? Learning or greater self-awareness? Better communication and relationships? Clarity? Whatever you come up with, is that the value itself, or do you need to take it a step deeper to get to the value?
I believe that when we do the work to know ourselves deeply, this not only serves us personally, our clarity also benefits the community around us.
Be well,
Peter
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