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[post_content] => I love cookies of all kinds. At times my wife or kids have made a batch of cookies and – after they each tried one – I quietly finished off all the rest. So I know a thing or two about restraint and lack thereof. Last week I wrote about smoking and a process for making quitting easier. Today let’s look at how we can adapt this process for a healthier relationship with food.
Often we eat in a way that’s out of sync with what’s best for the body (and mind). The most prevalent example is overeating – i.e., eating beyond the point at which we’re no longer hungry. We do this for many reasons: because the food is tasty, because we were taught to empty our plate, because we don’t want to waste food or insult the cook, because of biological mechanisms designed to protect us against famine, or because we’re simply eating on “autopilot.”
Another example is low quality foods. High sugar foods, for example, can suppress the immune system, cause excessive weight gain, promote inflammation, and lead to insulin resistance (type 2 diabetes). Deep fried foods have similar impacts – promoting inflammation and contributing to cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, obesity, and cancer. I won’t list all the examples here, but if it’s highly processed, contains artificial colors and flavors, white flour, chemical preservatives, or was purchased at a gas station, it probably falls into this category.
Other foods may be essentially benign but not good for a given individual because of a personal sensitivity. Since starting to treat people in the late 90s, I’ve seen a huge increase in patients’ awareness of the foods they’re sensitive to. On the whole this is a great thing, though it’s not always easy for people to avoid these foods – even knowing they’ll feel bad later.
For what it’s worth, I try not to entirely forbid any foods, because of the repercussions of setting up a system of deprivation and rebellion. Besides, we can only maintain discipline for so long. Our willpower wanes when we’re tired, hungry, or stressed. And we all occasionally find ourselves in dining situations where there simply aren’t healthy options.
I believe there’s a time and place for almost any food – including cheesecake and French fries – as long as we practice moderation and mindfulness. When these foods constitute a significant portion of our diet, and/or we’re experiencing negative impacts from consuming them, and/or we can’t control ourselves, this should tell us that something needs to change.
For the bulk of our history as a species, food scarcity was one of our main challenges. Now, in much of the world, this has been replaced by the challenge of restraint.
Healthy restraint with food can be as challenging as dealing with a smoking addiction or alcoholism. At least a smoker or alcoholic has the option of entirely removing cigarettes and alcohol from their life. But we’re obligated to keep eating. The closest equivalent we can exercise is to remove from our cupboards the foods that we have the most difficulty with.
Furthermore, almost everyone has beliefs and baggage wrapped up around food and body image, which complicates our relationship with eating. My purpose today isn’t to completely unpack this whole topic, but to just address one aspect of the pattern – restraint around eating in a way that we know isn’t good for us.
Here are seven steps you can take to feel clearer and stronger about what you feed your body:
1: Setting the stage and loving yourself. Make it easy for yourself to succeed and harder for yourself to overeat, to eat unconsciously, or to eat foods that aren’t good for you. These choices are about avoiding or cleaning up the environments that promote poor eating habits; setting some basic ground rules for yourself – except we’re not going to call them rules, but basic standards; honoring the process of nourishing yourself; and remembering that you are worth treating yourself well.
Eat only in a proper dining setting – not at your desk, not in front of a TV, not while driving, not between meals, not while in a meeting – you’re better than that. Get the junky stuff out of your house. Don’t go to fast food restaurants. Tell your coworkers you’re not eating that stuff anymore, so please don’t even offer you a cupcake – you’re better than that too! Bring your own lunch. Eat a healthy meal before the party. Don’t hang out by the food table.
2: Use empowering language. Instead of telling yourself, “I can’t eat that donut” or “I shouldn’t eat those French fries,” use verbiage that conveys power and choice. Some examples: “I don’t eat garbagey foods. I don’t put that crap in my beautiful body. I choose to be a healthy eater. I choose to love myself so much that I only eat really high quality food. I don’t overeat. I choose to stop eating before I’m full. I feel great when I feed myself well.”
3: Slow down and breathe. Slowing down the eating process makes it easier to perceive when you’ve had enough, and also to feel if your body doesn’t like what or how you’re eating. Before you eat something you know isn’t great for you, take at least one deep breath. You’re creating space so that the behavior isn’t automatic and unconscious.
4: Tune in to the underlying feeling. If you’re wanting to eat something unhealthy, or to continue eating even though you know you’re not hungry anymore, tune in to the feeling that’s urging you to do this. Just take a moment to visit it. If it helps, tell yourself, “You can still have the treat afterwards. We just going to do this first.” Often this feeling is below your radar and you respond to it unconsciously by eating and eating. Let’s make it conscious. Drop into your body and feel what’s happening. What does it feel like? An anxious, unsettled feeling? An empty, yearning feeling? Numbness? Whatever you feel, see if you can simply be with it for a moment, without any resistance. Let yourself feel it fully. Take a breath into it. Allow it to pass through you and depart. What happens? Even if you still eat the food in question, this is nonetheless a useful process.
5: Ask your body. If you’re on the verge of eating in an unhealthy way, just take a second to ask inwardly, “How do you feel about my eating this?” Then feel and listen for the response. Maybe you won’t perceive anything, but maybe you’ll feel a very clear, “No thanks” or “I’m good” or “Sure!” or “Please don’t.” I know you haven’t always loved the way your body has looked and felt and performed for you, but consider being friends with it and honoring its feelings about what’s best for it.
6: Give all your attention to the act of eating. It would be excellent if we could all give our full attention to the act of eating throughout every meal. Eating mindlessly doesn’t just make us prone to doing something that’s not good for us, it also means we’re missing out on fully enjoying the food and missing out on the beautiful, sacred, self-loving act of feeding ourselves and connecting to the fruitful earth that provided it.
It’s especially useful to give your full attention to the act when you’re knowingly eating in a way that’s not ideal for you. Let’s say you decide to have some chocolate mousse. You know it’s not a health food, but it’s going to be incredibly delicious, and sometimes that’s a worthwhile tradeoff, because savoring deliciousness has some value too. This only makes sense, of course, if you’re going to be fully present for the deliciousness experience. Enjoy the hell out of it. Don’t speak. Don’t listen to anything but your own chewing and moaning. Don’t go fast.
7: Let go of the guilt. I know it’s easier said than done, but let’s not add insult to injury. Guilt is the worst thing you can sprinkle over your meal. I believe that feelings of guilt, shame, and self-hate have a tangible impact on what happens to that food after you’ve eaten it. You’re not going to digest it as well, be nourished as thoroughly, or clear out the waste as efficiently if you’re in emotional upset about it. If you’re feeling heavy afterwards, take at least a moment to forgive yourself.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because it’s SO freakin’ scrumptious.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re stressed and eating is soothing.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because your ancestors didn’t have enough to eat and wired you to eat as much as you could when you had the chance.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re upset with yourself or displeased with your body.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because it makes you feel more in control.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way to get back at people who have mistreated you or objectified your body.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re upset with the world for telling you to look like an ideal that’s only possible for a small portion of the population.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you feel deprived or lonely or sad or ungrounded or empty or anxious.
All of this is understandable. AND, you know that there are healthier ways to feel better than by taking it out on your body. Ask your body to forgive you for not always treating it well. Thank your body for being the vehicle that has made this incredible life possible. Take ownership of your body. Forgive your body. Love your body.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Seven Steps for Managing the Habit of Unhealthy Eating
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[post_content] => Have you had an experience of awakening to something that feels more real than ordinary reality? I remember the first time I heard Zen-inspired spiritual teacher Adyashanti refer to these moments as “gaps” in everyday awareness, when we stop focusing on our own mind and experience the world as it really is.
I’d had some of these expansive periods but felt a great letdown when I returned to ordinary reality. This is sometimes referred to as the “I get it! I lost it” phenomenon. It was relieving to hear Adyashanti describe these moments simply as windows through the dominant narrative. He explains that when we’re adamant about finding the truth, the gaps tend to get longer and more frequent. He also observes that what we find there isn’t usually what we expect it will be.
When the gaps run into each other and become our abiding reality, this is often referred to as spiritual awakening or enlightenment. It’s natural to imagine that something that sounds so grand and mystical must be a state unlike anything we’ve ever felt – maybe even a condition of perpetual ecstasy.
This makes it highly appealing to the ego, which often tries to take over the mission. It can easily turn spirituality into a competition and a source of identity and approval (“I’m woke AF!). And it may desperately hope that it’s finally found the thing that’s going to make us happy.
Happiness is a noble pursuit, but it’s not necessarily the same path that the question of “What am I really?” takes us on. Likewise, while I believe the “What am I?” path does eventually lead us to happiness – true, causeless happiness, in fact – there’s likely to be some unhappiness along the way, which is generated by the ego’s unwillingness to get out of the driver’s seat.
Spiritual awakening shrinks the ego to irrelevance, and this idea is about as scary as actually dying. The ego – the mental construct of personality, feelings, memories, and intellect that we’ve cultivated and reinforced since childhood – dominates our inner and outer experience of life, and in this way confuses us into believing that it is who we are. It’s been this way for so long that we may have forgotten what the unfiltered, egoless experiences (i.e., gaps) feel like. The ego isn’t malicious; it’s just trying to survive. But to the extent that we believe our ego is who we are, we’ll find it impossible to circumvent – because how could we get away from ourselves?
As of this writing, my ego is alive and well, and my gaps are fewer and farther between than I would prefer, but I’ve spent enough time cultivating gaps that I hope I can share something worthwhile. In my experience, though I have had moments of true ecstasy (while completely sober!), the most striking surprise is the incredible familiarity and closeness of the transcendent experience. I think this is what Adyashanti and other teachers are getting at when they say, “It’s not what the mind thinks it’s going to be.”
While we may imagine that spiritual awakening is like acquiring new powers, I believe it’s more of a remembering. It’s like having your head in one of those old-school arcade machines, gripping the joystick, munching pellets, running away from the ghosts, believing “this is what life is,” and then pulling back and taking in the true surroundings. The surroundings were always here, and so was the consciousness that the game wasn’t reality, but you were so immersed in it you forgot.
In one of these gap experiences I actually found myself saying out loud, “Ohhh! It’s THIS! It’s THIS!” The best I can explain it is that I suddenly noticed something that had always been in the background – always, always, always there for the entirety of my life, but so constant as to be disregarded. It wouldn’t call it mystical, but it was incredibly relieving.
Upon tuning in to it and recognizing it as part of myself, that “background” immediately expanded, rendering all of “Peter’s life stuff” relatively small and insignificant. In that state I remembered that I had previously been afraid that letting go of my “small self” would mean that I’d stop caring about my loved ones. But in this expanded awareness, I saw that this was just a fear my ego came up with, and if anything I was able to love people more completely than ever.
I wish I could say I stayed there forever, but my conditioning crept back in. I was able to see myself, little by little, choosing smaller points of view, picking up my phone for no good reason, and shrinking my field of awareness. But these experiences change us even if they’re not sustained forever. They give us a glimpse that’s not easily forgotten.
So, how do we remember? A good starting point is to ask yourself, What has been with me ALWAYS? Or, Who is that consciousness that has been watching my life, that has been there all along, never departing, even while my body grew and my life circumstances changed?
As Meister Eckhart wrote, “The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God's eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love.” What happens when you try to see the one who’s doing the seeing? What happens when, as Adyashanti says, you “turn Awareness upon itself”?
Here’s to more and longer gaps. And feel free to share about your gap experiences in the comments section.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Opening Up the Gaps in Ordinary Reality
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[post_content] => What do you know about hormesis? It’s the phenomenon that (kind of) explains the expression “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” Technically, hormesis refers to biological processes in which a certain amount of exposure to a stress or toxin stimulates a favorable response, even when other amounts are deadly. For instance, while a high dose of radiation is often fatal, small doses have in some cases been shown to stimulate a positive adaptation leading to lower than average rates of cancer. A hormetic response to certain adverse influences sometimes leads to an evolution.
Last week I wrote about suffering and our complicated relationship with it. Perhaps we could see it as a hormetic relationship. In low to moderate doses, suffering is purely degrading. We tolerate it but it erodes our presence, our performance, and our patience. In extreme doses it kills us. But sometimes there’s a sweet spot in between where it’s bad enough that it can’t be tolerated in the usual way, something cracks open, and a breakthrough occurs.
One of the key ingredients in a favorable response to suffering is consciousness. I could never say it as well as Eckhart Tolle, so here’s a quote (slightly abridged) from his book, A New Earth:
Humanity is destined to go beyond suffering, but not in the way the ego thinks. One of the ego’s many erroneous assumptions is “I should not have to suffer.” That thought itself lies at the root of suffering. Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego. As long as you resist suffering, it is a slow process. When you accept suffering, however, there is an acceleration of that process which is brought about by the fact that you suffer consciously. In the midst of conscious suffering, there is already the transmutation. The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it.
Suffering isn’t intrinsically useful or noble. When we suffer “unconsciously” – resisting it and turning away from it – it just becomes part of the tragic degradation of life that Buddhism speaks to when it says the nature of the world is to suffer (dukkha). Bringing consciousness, acceptance, and curiosity to it makes it something entirely different.
In her book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie shares an exchange she had with a client who is incessantly angry at big corporations that pollute the planet. On examining the client’s psychology, we see that she is conducting a campaign of violence against these corporations and their faceless leaders in her mind. Katie asks the client if this suffering is necessary in order to feel that she’s doing something about the situation. Through some digging they get down to a troublesome belief at the heart of it: If I don’t suffer, I won’t care.
This is a big one for many of us. Is it true? If we didn’t suffer would we be complacent? Is it suffering that makes us care to be productive or helpful?
This is a question that can only be answered for oneself.
I believe we have a natural, transpersonal inclination toward serving, loving, and awakening. It doesn’t need to be prompted by suffering. But as we see, it’s common for humans to stifle or undermine this inclination. And so, suffering, it turns out, may sometimes be what gets us to recognize it and prioritize it.
When you meet suffering consciously, you may find that it dissolves. You may find that it’s been perpetuated by untrue beliefs, like “I should suffer for my sins,” or “I don’t deserve to be happy.” You may find that the suffering is generated by a part of you that’s just trying to get you to feel. You may find that it’s trying to draw your attention to something, to show you there’s a better, freer way to operate. You may find that the suffering is coming from the last part of you that’s afraid to embody your power, and that with trust it disappears. You may find that the suffering is the feeling that arises from being afraid of suffering. You may find that the suffering is actually an invitation to pass through a gate to a new way of being.
The only way to know is to visit with it. There's nothing in any book, no teaching from any guru that lets you bypass the need to directly encounter what's stirring in YOU.
I always love to hear what you think of these “deep” ideas, and hope that we can make such depth part of our everyday conversations and experiences.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => The Gift Inside Our Pain
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[post_content] => I love cookies of all kinds. At times my wife or kids have made a batch of cookies and – after they each tried one – I quietly finished off all the rest. So I know a thing or two about restraint and lack thereof. Last week I wrote about smoking and a process for making quitting easier. Today let’s look at how we can adapt this process for a healthier relationship with food.
Often we eat in a way that’s out of sync with what’s best for the body (and mind). The most prevalent example is overeating – i.e., eating beyond the point at which we’re no longer hungry. We do this for many reasons: because the food is tasty, because we were taught to empty our plate, because we don’t want to waste food or insult the cook, because of biological mechanisms designed to protect us against famine, or because we’re simply eating on “autopilot.”
Another example is low quality foods. High sugar foods, for example, can suppress the immune system, cause excessive weight gain, promote inflammation, and lead to insulin resistance (type 2 diabetes). Deep fried foods have similar impacts – promoting inflammation and contributing to cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, obesity, and cancer. I won’t list all the examples here, but if it’s highly processed, contains artificial colors and flavors, white flour, chemical preservatives, or was purchased at a gas station, it probably falls into this category.
Other foods may be essentially benign but not good for a given individual because of a personal sensitivity. Since starting to treat people in the late 90s, I’ve seen a huge increase in patients’ awareness of the foods they’re sensitive to. On the whole this is a great thing, though it’s not always easy for people to avoid these foods – even knowing they’ll feel bad later.
For what it’s worth, I try not to entirely forbid any foods, because of the repercussions of setting up a system of deprivation and rebellion. Besides, we can only maintain discipline for so long. Our willpower wanes when we’re tired, hungry, or stressed. And we all occasionally find ourselves in dining situations where there simply aren’t healthy options.
I believe there’s a time and place for almost any food – including cheesecake and French fries – as long as we practice moderation and mindfulness. When these foods constitute a significant portion of our diet, and/or we’re experiencing negative impacts from consuming them, and/or we can’t control ourselves, this should tell us that something needs to change.
For the bulk of our history as a species, food scarcity was one of our main challenges. Now, in much of the world, this has been replaced by the challenge of restraint.
Healthy restraint with food can be as challenging as dealing with a smoking addiction or alcoholism. At least a smoker or alcoholic has the option of entirely removing cigarettes and alcohol from their life. But we’re obligated to keep eating. The closest equivalent we can exercise is to remove from our cupboards the foods that we have the most difficulty with.
Furthermore, almost everyone has beliefs and baggage wrapped up around food and body image, which complicates our relationship with eating. My purpose today isn’t to completely unpack this whole topic, but to just address one aspect of the pattern – restraint around eating in a way that we know isn’t good for us.
Here are seven steps you can take to feel clearer and stronger about what you feed your body:
1: Setting the stage and loving yourself. Make it easy for yourself to succeed and harder for yourself to overeat, to eat unconsciously, or to eat foods that aren’t good for you. These choices are about avoiding or cleaning up the environments that promote poor eating habits; setting some basic ground rules for yourself – except we’re not going to call them rules, but basic standards; honoring the process of nourishing yourself; and remembering that you are worth treating yourself well.
Eat only in a proper dining setting – not at your desk, not in front of a TV, not while driving, not between meals, not while in a meeting – you’re better than that. Get the junky stuff out of your house. Don’t go to fast food restaurants. Tell your coworkers you’re not eating that stuff anymore, so please don’t even offer you a cupcake – you’re better than that too! Bring your own lunch. Eat a healthy meal before the party. Don’t hang out by the food table.
2: Use empowering language. Instead of telling yourself, “I can’t eat that donut” or “I shouldn’t eat those French fries,” use verbiage that conveys power and choice. Some examples: “I don’t eat garbagey foods. I don’t put that crap in my beautiful body. I choose to be a healthy eater. I choose to love myself so much that I only eat really high quality food. I don’t overeat. I choose to stop eating before I’m full. I feel great when I feed myself well.”
3: Slow down and breathe. Slowing down the eating process makes it easier to perceive when you’ve had enough, and also to feel if your body doesn’t like what or how you’re eating. Before you eat something you know isn’t great for you, take at least one deep breath. You’re creating space so that the behavior isn’t automatic and unconscious.
4: Tune in to the underlying feeling. If you’re wanting to eat something unhealthy, or to continue eating even though you know you’re not hungry anymore, tune in to the feeling that’s urging you to do this. Just take a moment to visit it. If it helps, tell yourself, “You can still have the treat afterwards. We just going to do this first.” Often this feeling is below your radar and you respond to it unconsciously by eating and eating. Let’s make it conscious. Drop into your body and feel what’s happening. What does it feel like? An anxious, unsettled feeling? An empty, yearning feeling? Numbness? Whatever you feel, see if you can simply be with it for a moment, without any resistance. Let yourself feel it fully. Take a breath into it. Allow it to pass through you and depart. What happens? Even if you still eat the food in question, this is nonetheless a useful process.
5: Ask your body. If you’re on the verge of eating in an unhealthy way, just take a second to ask inwardly, “How do you feel about my eating this?” Then feel and listen for the response. Maybe you won’t perceive anything, but maybe you’ll feel a very clear, “No thanks” or “I’m good” or “Sure!” or “Please don’t.” I know you haven’t always loved the way your body has looked and felt and performed for you, but consider being friends with it and honoring its feelings about what’s best for it.
6: Give all your attention to the act of eating. It would be excellent if we could all give our full attention to the act of eating throughout every meal. Eating mindlessly doesn’t just make us prone to doing something that’s not good for us, it also means we’re missing out on fully enjoying the food and missing out on the beautiful, sacred, self-loving act of feeding ourselves and connecting to the fruitful earth that provided it.
It’s especially useful to give your full attention to the act when you’re knowingly eating in a way that’s not ideal for you. Let’s say you decide to have some chocolate mousse. You know it’s not a health food, but it’s going to be incredibly delicious, and sometimes that’s a worthwhile tradeoff, because savoring deliciousness has some value too. This only makes sense, of course, if you’re going to be fully present for the deliciousness experience. Enjoy the hell out of it. Don’t speak. Don’t listen to anything but your own chewing and moaning. Don’t go fast.
7: Let go of the guilt. I know it’s easier said than done, but let’s not add insult to injury. Guilt is the worst thing you can sprinkle over your meal. I believe that feelings of guilt, shame, and self-hate have a tangible impact on what happens to that food after you’ve eaten it. You’re not going to digest it as well, be nourished as thoroughly, or clear out the waste as efficiently if you’re in emotional upset about it. If you’re feeling heavy afterwards, take at least a moment to forgive yourself.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because it’s SO freakin’ scrumptious.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re stressed and eating is soothing.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because your ancestors didn’t have enough to eat and wired you to eat as much as you could when you had the chance.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re upset with yourself or displeased with your body.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because it makes you feel more in control.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way to get back at people who have mistreated you or objectified your body.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re upset with the world for telling you to look like an ideal that’s only possible for a small portion of the population.
It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you feel deprived or lonely or sad or ungrounded or empty or anxious.
All of this is understandable. AND, you know that there are healthier ways to feel better than by taking it out on your body. Ask your body to forgive you for not always treating it well. Thank your body for being the vehicle that has made this incredible life possible. Take ownership of your body. Forgive your body. Love your body.
Be well,
Peter
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