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resilience

How to Be Resilient

Almost every year I witness the same tragedy in Boulder. The daffodils emerge, the trees put forth tender leaves and delicate flowers, and my heart swells with the natural resurrection… Read More

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It’s fresh and innocent and undefined. Except for the things you already have scheduled for 2023. And everything you have already set into motion that is likely to continue to play out in the coming year and beyond. But besides that, it’s an empty canvas! Last week I recommended keeping your resolutions simple – just choosing a single thing. This week I want to encourage you to put that into a context you define for this year by choosing a theme for 2023. If you have our Dreambook, there’s a section on Theme of the Year and you can write it in there. If you don’t have the Dreambook, or even if you do but wish to make this a bit more special, I encourage you to write your theme on a nice piece of paper with a good pen and frame it or keep it in a place where you’ll see it every day. Here are some questions to help guide you to your theme as you visualize a wonderful, productive, peaceful, playful, successful coming year. Who do you want to BE this year? What aspect of your potential do you want to cultivate this year? What will you bring to your community? How will you be a positive influence on your environment? What will you be a channel for? How will you speak intentionally? How will you grow this year? How will the world respond to your love and light? Take plenty of time with this and consider writing your answers down to see what comes through. Out of all these inspirations, which feels like it’s coming from your Highest Self? Which feels the most compelling? Which would benefit both you and your community? What is the emerging theme? Here are some examples: The Year of Loving Myself Completely. The Year of Living my Purpose. The Year of Learning to Trust. The Year of Shining my Light Upon the World. The Year of Owning My Power. The Year of Healing my Body. The Year of Playfulness. The Year of Lightheartedness. The Year of Remembering We’re All Connected. The Year of Forgiveness. The Year of Great Healing. The Year of Simplicity. The Year of Living Through My Heart. After you refine your theme and write it down, try to read it ever morning, and if you’ve got a minute, feel into how life will be as you embody this theme, tell yourself, “I’m already on my way. Today I choose to stay conscious of this theme and to find ways to live it.” Wishing you your best year yet, Peter [post_title] => The Theme of 2023 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => the-theme-of-2023 [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-12-29 21:19:21 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-12-29 21:19:21 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8906 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [1] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8519 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-02-18 22:20:44 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-02-18 22:20:44 [post_content] => I love cookies of all kinds. At times my wife or kids have made a batch of cookies and – after they each tried one – I quietly finished off all the rest. So I know a thing or two about restraint and lack thereof. Last week I wrote about smoking and a process for making quitting easier. Today let’s look at how we can adapt this process for a healthier relationship with food. Often we eat in a way that’s out of sync with what’s best for the body (and mind). The most prevalent example is overeating – i.e., eating beyond the point at which we’re no longer hungry. We do this for many reasons: because the food is tasty, because we were taught to empty our plate, because we don’t want to waste food or insult the cook, because of biological mechanisms designed to protect us against famine, or because we’re simply eating on “autopilot.” Another example is low quality foods. High sugar foods, for example, can suppress the immune system, cause excessive weight gain, promote inflammation, and lead to insulin resistance (type 2 diabetes). Deep fried foods have similar impacts – promoting inflammation and contributing to cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, obesity, and cancer. I won’t list all the examples here, but if it’s highly processed, contains artificial colors and flavors, white flour, chemical preservatives, or was purchased at a gas station, it probably falls into this category. Other foods may be essentially benign but not good for a given individual because of a personal sensitivity. Since starting to treat people in the late 90s, I’ve seen a huge increase in patients’ awareness of the foods they’re sensitive to. On the whole this is a great thing, though it’s not always easy for people to avoid these foods – even knowing they’ll feel bad later. For what it’s worth, I try not to entirely forbid any foods, because of the repercussions of setting up a system of deprivation and rebellion. Besides, we can only maintain discipline for so long. Our willpower wanes when we’re tired, hungry, or stressed. And we all occasionally find ourselves in dining situations where there simply aren’t healthy options. I believe there’s a time and place for almost any food – including cheesecake and French fries – as long as we practice moderation and mindfulness. When these foods constitute a significant portion of our diet, and/or we’re experiencing negative impacts from consuming them, and/or we can’t control ourselves, this should tell us that something needs to change. For the bulk of our history as a species, food scarcity was one of our main challenges. Now, in much of the world, this has been replaced by the challenge of restraint. Healthy restraint with food can be as challenging as dealing with a smoking addiction or alcoholism. At least a smoker or alcoholic has the option of entirely removing cigarettes and alcohol from their life. But we’re obligated to keep eating. The closest equivalent we can exercise is to remove from our cupboards the foods that we have the most difficulty with. Furthermore, almost everyone has beliefs and baggage wrapped up around food and body image, which complicates our relationship with eating. My purpose today isn’t to completely unpack this whole topic, but to just address one aspect of the pattern – restraint around eating in a way that we know isn’t good for us. Here are seven steps you can take to feel clearer and stronger about what you feed your body: 1: Setting the stage and loving yourself. Make it easy for yourself to succeed and harder for yourself to overeat, to eat unconsciously, or to eat foods that aren’t good for you. These choices are about avoiding or cleaning up the environments that promote poor eating habits; setting some basic ground rules for yourself – except we’re not going to call them rules, but basic standards; honoring the process of nourishing yourself; and remembering that you are worth treating yourself well. Eat only in a proper dining setting – not at your desk, not in front of a TV, not while driving, not between meals, not while in a meeting – you’re better than that. Get the junky stuff out of your house. Don’t go to fast food restaurants. Tell your coworkers you’re not eating that stuff anymore, so please don’t even offer you a cupcake – you’re better than that too! Bring your own lunch. Eat a healthy meal before the party. Don’t hang out by the food table. 2: Use empowering language. Instead of telling yourself, “I can’t eat that donut” or “I shouldn’t eat those French fries,” use verbiage that conveys power and choice. Some examples: “I don’t eat garbagey foods. I don’t put that crap in my beautiful body. I choose to be a healthy eater. I choose to love myself so much that I only eat really high quality food. I don’t overeat. I choose to stop eating before I’m full. I feel great when I feed myself well.” 3: Slow down and breathe. Slowing down the eating process makes it easier to perceive when you’ve had enough, and also to feel if your body doesn’t like what or how you’re eating. Before you eat something you know isn’t great for you, take at least one deep breath. You’re creating space so that the behavior isn’t automatic and unconscious. 4: Tune in to the underlying feeling. If you’re wanting to eat something unhealthy, or to continue eating even though you know you’re not hungry anymore, tune in to the feeling that’s urging you to do this. Just take a moment to visit it. If it helps, tell yourself, “You can still have the treat afterwards. We just going to do this first.” Often this feeling is below your radar and you respond to it unconsciously by eating and eating. Let’s make it conscious. Drop into your body and feel what’s happening. What does it feel like? An anxious, unsettled feeling? An empty, yearning feeling? Numbness? Whatever you feel, see if you can simply be with it for a moment, without any resistance. Let yourself feel it fully. Take a breath into it. Allow it to pass through you and depart. What happens? Even if you still eat the food in question, this is nonetheless a useful process. 5: Ask your body. If you’re on the verge of eating in an unhealthy way, just take a second to ask inwardly, “How do you feel about my eating this?” Then feel and listen for the response. Maybe you won’t perceive anything, but maybe you’ll feel a very clear, “No thanks” or “I’m good” or “Sure!” or “Please don’t.” I know you haven’t always loved the way your body has looked and felt and performed for you, but consider being friends with it and honoring its feelings about what’s best for it. 6: Give all your attention to the act of eating. It would be excellent if we could all give our full attention to the act of eating throughout every meal. Eating mindlessly doesn’t just make us prone to doing something that’s not good for us, it also means we’re missing out on fully enjoying the food and missing out on the beautiful, sacred, self-loving act of feeding ourselves and connecting to the fruitful earth that provided it. It’s especially useful to give your full attention to the act when you’re knowingly eating in a way that’s not ideal for you. Let’s say you decide to have some chocolate mousse. You know it’s not a health food, but it’s going to be incredibly delicious, and sometimes that’s a worthwhile tradeoff, because savoring deliciousness has some value too. This only makes sense, of course, if you’re going to be fully present for the deliciousness experience. Enjoy the hell out of it. Don’t speak. Don’t listen to anything but your own chewing and moaning. Don’t go fast. 7: Let go of the guilt. I know it’s easier said than done, but let’s not add insult to injury. Guilt is the worst thing you can sprinkle over your meal. I believe that feelings of guilt, shame, and self-hate have a tangible impact on what happens to that food after you’ve eaten it. You’re not going to digest it as well, be nourished as thoroughly, or clear out the waste as efficiently if you’re in emotional upset about it. If you’re feeling heavy afterwards, take at least a moment to forgive yourself. It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because it’s SO freakin’ scrumptious. It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re stressed and eating is soothing. It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because your ancestors didn’t have enough to eat and wired you to eat as much as you could when you had the chance. It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re upset with yourself or displeased with your body. It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because it makes you feel more in control. It’s understandable that you would eat this way to get back at people who have mistreated you or objectified your body. It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you’re upset with the world for telling you to look like an ideal that’s only possible for a small portion of the population. It’s understandable that you would eat this way, because you feel deprived or lonely or sad or ungrounded or empty or anxious. All of this is understandable. AND, you know that there are healthier ways to feel better than by taking it out on your body. Ask your body to forgive you for not always treating it well. Thank your body for being the vehicle that has made this incredible life possible. Take ownership of your body. Forgive your body. Love your body. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Seven Steps for Managing the Habit of Unhealthy Eating [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => seven-steps-for-managing-the-habit-of-unhealthy-eating [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-02-18 22:25:01 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-02-18 22:25:01 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8519 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 6 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [2] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8421 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2021-11-27 00:28:59 [post_date_gmt] => 2021-11-27 00:28:59 [post_content] => There was a lot of interest in the article I wrote last month called “How to Bounce Forward from Adversity” in which I discussed positive psychology. Whereas traditional psychology has focused primarily on helping unwell individuals to get to a state of normal functioning, positive psychology explores how we can go beyond “normal” to optimize wellbeing and life satisfaction. Today I’m going to share some of the most effective ways to do this. The core elements come from Martin Seligman, sometimes considered the founder positive psychology. Seligman is known for the PERMA model of wellbeing, which stands for: Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Achievement. We’ll look at these and some valuable additions from other psychologists. Positive Emotions: This is as much a measure of optimal wellbeing as it is a means. Seligman emphasizes that seeking positive emotions alone isn’t especially effective, but that fully experiencing positive emotions is vital. If positive emotions aren’t a prominent part of your psychological landscape, it’s worth looking and feeling into why. I believe positive emotions are part of our native state as humans, an expression of fundamental wellbeing, regardless of circumstances such as socioeconomic status. When they’re not naturally present, this tends to signal that there’s something in the way – such as limiting beliefs about one’s ability or deserving of happiness. We can change this. Engagement: Having a sense of engagement, in which we may lose track of time and become completely absorbed in something we enjoy and excel at, is an important piece of wellbeing. It’s hard to have a developed sense of wellbeing if you are not truly engaged in anything you do Psychologists Fred Bryant and Joseph Veroff build on these first two methods through their model of positive experience called Savoring. Here’s how to savor fully and get the most out of your positive experiences:

Sharing: find other people to share the experience and tell them how much you value it. According to Black Dog Institute, this is the strongest predictor of the level of someone’ pleasure.
Memory building: do things to crystalize and save the moment, such as intentionally take mental photographs, keeping a souvenir of the event, and reminiscing about it later with others.
Self-congratulation: this is a hard one for many of us because it entails telling yourself what a good person you are and remembering everything you’ve done to get yourself to this point in your life.
Sharpening perception: this is practice to encourage the imprinting of the experience in your consciousness. Pay close attention and try focusing on certain elements and blocking out others, like closing your eyes while listening to music.
Absorption: allow yourself to become totally immersed, not thinking, just experiencing fully

Relationships: Study after study has shown that healthy relationships are the single most significant predictor of happiness and longevity. We are social creatures and our connections with others help us flourish. They give us opportunities to share, to help, to be heard, to be witnessed, to touch, to laugh, to be co-inspired. I have a homework assignment for you. Today I want you to call or visit someone you haven’t been in contact with for a while. Both of you will benefit from this. Meaning: There are plenty of ways to experience positive emotions and good connections without meaning, but for most of us, especially as we get older, this factor starts to matter more. Sometimes we can even have a “meaningless crisis” where we suddenly feel that nothing in our life has real significance. If we’ve spent the last decade getting stoned and playing video games, maybe such a realization is pointing to a need for some changes. But for most people, it’s a matter of attitude adjustment more than a life overhaul. For instance, doing the core values, gifts, and life purpose work in our Dreambook can help you get aligned with your meaning, which you then bring into whatever you do. An early mentor of mine, Matt Garrigan, used to say, “Life is meaningless. You add the meaning.” While that might sound kind of fatalistic, he meant it to be liberating. It underscores the power to choose our perspective. Dr. Amy Wrzesniewski of Yale University writes about the distinctions between relating to your work as a job (you see your work as a means of income, a necessity), a career (you take a certain pride in what you do and hope to advance and succeed at it), or a calling (your work is a central, meaningful part of life and who you are, a forum for self-expression and gratification). These three orientations represent degrees of meaning, and a spectrum of overall life satisfaction. Being dedicated to something bigger than oneself brings to a special kind of fulfillment. Incidentally, Wrzesniewski emphasizes that the job itself is irrelevant to one’s orientation toward it. You could approach trash collection as a calling. Achievement: In a world that sometimes hyper-focuses on achievement as the sole measure of a person’s worth, it’s easy to get the wrong idea about it and find ourselves unable to relax and play. But we need to strike a balance because accomplishing things, even small things, is essential to authentic wellbeing. When we set out to do something and follow it through to completion we build confidence and self-trust, and it reinforces the feeling that we have some control over the trajectory of our work and overall life, which is another factor that yields greater wellbeing. Play: Being able to play – doing something for no outcome other than play itself – is one I’d add to this list. Here’s an excerpt on play from our book, The Well Life: George Bernard Shaw said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” We know it’s hard to schedule time just for enjoyment, but play is important stuff. Playing and laughing are good for our cardiovascular health. They foster bonding with our family and friends. They’re relaxing. They promote development of social skills. They’re uplifting. They teach us cooperation. They help us learn to manage our emotions. They improve brain function, learning, and cognition. They relieve stress. They enhance healing. They stimulate creativity and problem solving. They keep us feeling youthful. Unfortunately, we tend to save playtime for after everything else is done. But it shouldn’t be seen as just a reward. Play is therapeutic. Finally, one more that numerous others have added to PERMA is Vitality. Physical vitality and psychological wellness are interdependent. That’s not to say you can’t have one without the other, but many physical health factors such as high energy, good digestion, restful sleep, and adequate strength often translate to a better ability to do the other things on the list, as well as supporting a clear and open mind. I encourage you to go through this list and choose one factor to dedicate yourself this coming week – ideally one that could use some attention. Set an intention to work on it each day, and write it down. At the end of each day, take a few minutes to reflect on (and, better yet, journal about) how this affected you. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Use Positive Psychology to Get Happier and More Fulfilled [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => 8421 [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2021-11-27 01:10:48 [post_modified_gmt] => 2021-11-27 01:10:48 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8421 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) ) [post_count] => 3 [current_post] => -1 [before_loop] => 1 [in_the_loop] => [post] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8906 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-12-29 21:18:13 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-12-29 21:18:13 [post_content] => Ah, the New Year. It’s fresh and innocent and undefined. Except for the things you already have scheduled for 2023. And everything you have already set into motion that is likely to continue to play out in the coming year and beyond. But besides that, it’s an empty canvas! Last week I recommended keeping your resolutions simple – just choosing a single thing. This week I want to encourage you to put that into a context you define for this year by choosing a theme for 2023. If you have our Dreambook, there’s a section on Theme of the Year and you can write it in there. If you don’t have the Dreambook, or even if you do but wish to make this a bit more special, I encourage you to write your theme on a nice piece of paper with a good pen and frame it or keep it in a place where you’ll see it every day. Here are some questions to help guide you to your theme as you visualize a wonderful, productive, peaceful, playful, successful coming year. Who do you want to BE this year? What aspect of your potential do you want to cultivate this year? What will you bring to your community? How will you be a positive influence on your environment? What will you be a channel for? How will you speak intentionally? How will you grow this year? How will the world respond to your love and light? Take plenty of time with this and consider writing your answers down to see what comes through. Out of all these inspirations, which feels like it’s coming from your Highest Self? Which feels the most compelling? Which would benefit both you and your community? What is the emerging theme? Here are some examples: The Year of Loving Myself Completely. The Year of Living my Purpose. The Year of Learning to Trust. The Year of Shining my Light Upon the World. The Year of Owning My Power. The Year of Healing my Body. The Year of Playfulness. The Year of Lightheartedness. The Year of Remembering We’re All Connected. The Year of Forgiveness. The Year of Great Healing. The Year of Simplicity. The Year of Living Through My Heart. After you refine your theme and write it down, try to read it ever morning, and if you’ve got a minute, feel into how life will be as you embody this theme, tell yourself, “I’m already on my way. Today I choose to stay conscious of this theme and to find ways to live it.” Wishing you your best year yet, Peter [post_title] => The Theme of 2023 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => the-theme-of-2023 [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-12-29 21:19:21 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-12-29 21:19:21 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8906 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [comment_count] => 0 [current_comment] => -1 [found_posts] => 148 [max_num_pages] => 3 [max_num_comment_pages] => 0 [is_single] => [is_preview] => [is_page] => [is_archive] => 1 [is_date] => [is_year] => [is_month] => [is_day] => [is_time] => [is_author] => [is_category] => 1 [is_tag] => [is_tax] => [is_search] => [is_feed] => [is_comment_feed] => [is_trackback] => [is_home] => [is_privacy_policy] => [is_404] => [is_embed] => [is_paged] => [is_admin] => [is_attachment] => [is_singular] => [is_robots] => [is_favicon] => [is_posts_page] => [is_post_type_archive] => [query_vars_hash:WP_Query:private] => 603f613cc1ccfa5ce0900da0f1cc7a92 [query_vars_changed:WP_Query:private] => [thumbnails_cached] => [allow_query_attachment_by_filename:protected] => [stopwords:WP_Query:private] => [compat_fields:WP_Query:private] => Array ( [0] => query_vars_hash [1] => query_vars_changed ) [compat_methods:WP_Query:private] => Array ( [0] => init_query_flags [1] => parse_tax_query ) )

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The Theme of 2023

Seven Steps for Managing the Habit of Unhealthy Eating

Use Positive Psychology to Get Happier and More Fulfilled

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