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self help

Be Better Than A Warrior

In my early 20s I had a boss who would ask me every morning, “How goes the battle?” I had never heard that expression before, but recognized that he meant,… Read More

Level Up with the Dreambook

You are amazing. Let’s take it to the next level. I am always delighted to get unsolicited positive feedback about our books and courses. I save it all in an… Read More

Get By With a Little Help From Your Friends

Last week I wrote about the many reasons we don’t ask for help, including what I think of the “Lone Ranger complex,” where we believe there’s great merit in doing… Read More

That’s Very Big of You

As a weight-obsessed culture, we don’t often want to think of ourselves as big, but there’s an expression you hear once in a while – “That’s big of you” –… Read More

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We spend most of our lives thinking . . . judging, worrying, processing, planning, pondering, analyzing, and rehashing. Most thinking isn’t bad, per se, but it’s an unconscious, incessant habit. We rarely recognize that there’s a difference between consciousness and thinking. Our minds are constantly trying to grab our attention and monopolize our awareness, and usually we give it away freely. What’s the problem? Well, although we have some necessary functional thoughts – e.g., “I’m almost out of gas and need to refill the tank” or “I need medical attention for this severed limb” – most of our thinking is less intentional, and it tends to distance us from the here-and-now. When thinking becomes our default state, it’s no longer a choice. It’s like defaulting to being on your phone whenever possible. The mind is constantly saying, “I have something important / tragic / interesting / worrisome / outrageous / unfair / juicy, etc. Give me your awareness!” Over decades of doing so, we forget who/what we really are; we most strongly identify with a collection of thoughts, beliefs, and memories. Further, in letting our thoughts define us, we impose tremendous limitations on ourselves. In my opinion there are two fundamental points of meditation: (1) to take a break from the habit of thinking and doing (2) to experience awareness itself and remember what we are beyond our thoughts. This is the opposite of what most of us do all day. Can we have awareness without thinking? Of course. As a short exercise, rest your gaze on something in the room or out the window. See it and experience it without talking about it to yourself (or talking to yourself about something unrelated). As soon as you feel your mind about to break through with a thought, pick up your attention and put it on something else. Do this for a minute or so, then come back here. How was it? What did you notice? Could you feel the squirminess of your mind itching to get back in the spotlight? It’s almost like the feeling of being deprived of a drug. Why should it be so uncomfortable just to experience reality without thinking? That alone should tell us something is out of order. While there are innumerable meditation techniques, I think it’s always worth coming back to the basics. We’re taking this time to experience awareness without thinking. We’re not trying to manipulate ourselves into a spiritual state or make something mystical happen. We’re just giving the mind a rest and basking in the space that opens. Even the psyche can eventually experience it as a great relief. This form of meditation is a bit like putting a child to bed. You’re sitting next to their bed and they sit up and say, “I forgot my water bottle on the playground!” You lovingly rest your hand on their chest and say, “It’s ok. You can rest now.” A few seconds later they sit up again. “Guess what happened at lunch?” You lovingly rest your hand on their chest and say, “You can tell me later. For now, you can just rest.” A few seconds later they sit up again. “What if Mason tries to take my money again?” You lovingly rest your hand on their chest and say, “Later we’ll make a plan. But right now, you can rest.” This is what you’ll do every time your mind brings up a thought. Gently and firmly say, “No, thanks,” or “You can rest now,” or “Take a break,” or “There’s nothing to attend to” or, more simply choose not to give it your attention. Even when the thought is something like, “I haven’t had a thought in like two minutes!” Every thought stream starts with you latching onto it. Unlatch. Over time, you may notice that giving your attention to a thought takes you out of a state of peaceful stillness. Or it’s like profoundly shrinking your focal point from a vast openness to a tiny idea. With practice and repeated recognition, you’ll start to loosen the habit of thought-dominated-awareness. Your perspective will broaden – even when you’re not meditating. Thoughts will arise and instead of instantly running away with you, you’ll witness them in a context of inner space where there’s more choice about how to respond. Please give it a try, even if it’s just for one minute. And feel free to share your experience in the comments section below. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Meditation: Keep it Simple [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => meditation-keep-it-simple [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-12-01 19:51:13 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-12-01 19:51:13 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8867 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [1] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 9047 [post_author] => 5 [post_date] => 2023-06-10 14:06:05 [post_date_gmt] => 2023-06-10 14:06:05 [post_content] => I once had an acquaintance who loved to tell people what to do. I never asked her what to do, but I got told what to do more times than I can remember. She could use any opening as a way to fix your life. “What you need to do . . .” she’d start, and then she’d go on to prescribe a break-up, a diet, a new career, or a parenting method. I know she meant well, but the implication behind this unsolicited advice was, “You can’t manage your own life.” A mutual friend once commented, “She would make a good life coach.” I couldn’t help saying, “I disagree.” While I’m sure there are people out there who would love to pay someone to tell them exactly what to do, in my opinion that’s not what good coaching looks like. Life coaches do a lot of things. They help clients identify their goals; work together to develop a plan for achieving them; track their progress; assist them to uncover and release patterns that aren’t working; hold space for them to get to know themselves better; witness them in their strengths and weaknesses; hold them to their agreements; reflect on their communication style and explore ways to improve it; encourage a growth mindset; help them discover their gifts, values, and purpose; and more. As I see it, a coach’s role is to help a person be the best version of themselves. Like teaching someone to fish versus simply giving them a fish, the highest goal for the client is personal evolution – not reliance on the coach’s advice. The life coach who understands this is inevitably on the same path themselves. I’ve witnessed it through the years that we’ve been offering the Dragontree Life Coach training program. In the process of becoming a good coach, you learn so much that you want to apply to yourself. You’re naturally drawn to “walk your talk,” to embody the principles you use to guide others. You experience that when there’s coherence between how you live and how you coach, your coaching is more effective. And, over and over, you hear yourself say something to a client and a voice inside says, “I need to hear this too.” The great coaches I’ve known find it tremendously gratifying to know they’re making a positive difference in their clients’ lives. And even while they can say, “I’m pretty good at this,” they have the humility that comes from having seen that the most brilliant transformations often resulted not from the times they told a client “I know what you need” but from the “I honestly don’t know” moments. They never stop learning and growing. If you’d like to find a coach to help you be the best version of yourself, click here to browse our directory of Dragontree Life Coaching graduates. Be well, Dr. Peter Borten [post_title] => What it Means to be a Coach [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => what-it-means-to-be-a-coach [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2023-06-07 14:14:18 [post_modified_gmt] => 2023-06-07 14:14:18 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=9047 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [2] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8847 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-10-28 21:03:11 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-10-28 21:03:11 [post_content] => One of the most basic ways to grow the spiritual dimension of your life is to consciously invite Spirit into whatever you’re doing. It’s like there’s a friend who’s been hanging out in the background while you eat and work and exercise, and you’re saying, “Oh, I forgot you were there. Would you like to join me?” Doing so doesn’t require any particular spiritual or religious orientation. Even if you’re an atheist, you can probably still conceive of a Highest Self – an aspect of you that, in a way, is more You than any of the various personalities, thought patterns, or styles you’ve had throughout your life. It’s a stable, enduring, virtuous witness to everything you’ve been and done. Our ability to sense this presence, whatever we choose to call it, waxes and wanes. Same with the degree to which we let it guide us. As these factors increase (more awareness and willingness to be guided), we experience a corresponding increase in trust, an expanded perspective, and less overwhelm. The feeling of being small and helpless in a big scary world diminishes. If you haven’t done this much (or at all) it can feel at first like you’re hanging out with an imaginary friend. Is this real? Are they still in the room? It’s especially common if this is a dimension you’ve barely tuned in to. You’re used to giving most of your attention to relatively tangible and superficial planes of existence – media and culture, your possessions, your body, your thoughts and emotions. Over time the sense of opening to something bigger and subtler becomes more palpable. Simply remembering and intending to invite this Consciousness into more of your experiences makes a difference. To get started, you could just try quieting your mind for a moment and saying hello. Hello, Source. Hello, Highest Self. Hello, Divine Light. Then be still and see if you notice anything. I believe we are that Source experiencing itself as a human being. There is no true separation, only the veil of the mind (which can be quite obscure). Your Highest Self wants to be perceived and known and consciously channeled. Here are some other possible invitations: Come on this hike with me. Help me notice what I usually miss. Show me what I need to see for my healing and evolution. Let me stay present and accepting through this event. Let’s experience the act of eating delicious food together. Let me see this through the eyes of my Highest Self / Spirit / God / Unconditional Love / Awareness. But it’s not just the pleasant things that are worth inviting Spirit into. . . I let you into my fear so that you may share it, illuminate it, transform it. Come into my pain; please be with me in this suffering. I invite you into my grief, as this, too, is part of the human experience. Enter this crazy situation with me, Highest Self, and give me perspective. Join me, Divine Light, in my depression, and hold me. These painful states inevitably change when we open them to the spiritual dimension. It’s the simplest thing to do, yet sometimes the hardest to remember. This message is for me as much as it is for you. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Invite Spirit to Join You [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => invite-spirit-to-join-you [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-10-28 21:03:11 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-10-28 21:03:11 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8847 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 3 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) ) [post_count] => 3 [current_post] => -1 [before_loop] => 1 [in_the_loop] => [post] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8867 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-11-30 23:10:21 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-11-30 23:10:21 [post_content] => Of all the things one could do to be healthier and happier, I consider meditation to rank among the top practices on the list. We spend most of our lives thinking . . . judging, worrying, processing, planning, pondering, analyzing, and rehashing. Most thinking isn’t bad, per se, but it’s an unconscious, incessant habit. We rarely recognize that there’s a difference between consciousness and thinking. Our minds are constantly trying to grab our attention and monopolize our awareness, and usually we give it away freely. What’s the problem? Well, although we have some necessary functional thoughts – e.g., “I’m almost out of gas and need to refill the tank” or “I need medical attention for this severed limb” – most of our thinking is less intentional, and it tends to distance us from the here-and-now. When thinking becomes our default state, it’s no longer a choice. It’s like defaulting to being on your phone whenever possible. The mind is constantly saying, “I have something important / tragic / interesting / worrisome / outrageous / unfair / juicy, etc. Give me your awareness!” Over decades of doing so, we forget who/what we really are; we most strongly identify with a collection of thoughts, beliefs, and memories. Further, in letting our thoughts define us, we impose tremendous limitations on ourselves. In my opinion there are two fundamental points of meditation: (1) to take a break from the habit of thinking and doing (2) to experience awareness itself and remember what we are beyond our thoughts. This is the opposite of what most of us do all day. Can we have awareness without thinking? Of course. As a short exercise, rest your gaze on something in the room or out the window. See it and experience it without talking about it to yourself (or talking to yourself about something unrelated). As soon as you feel your mind about to break through with a thought, pick up your attention and put it on something else. Do this for a minute or so, then come back here. How was it? What did you notice? Could you feel the squirminess of your mind itching to get back in the spotlight? It’s almost like the feeling of being deprived of a drug. Why should it be so uncomfortable just to experience reality without thinking? That alone should tell us something is out of order. While there are innumerable meditation techniques, I think it’s always worth coming back to the basics. We’re taking this time to experience awareness without thinking. We’re not trying to manipulate ourselves into a spiritual state or make something mystical happen. We’re just giving the mind a rest and basking in the space that opens. Even the psyche can eventually experience it as a great relief. This form of meditation is a bit like putting a child to bed. You’re sitting next to their bed and they sit up and say, “I forgot my water bottle on the playground!” You lovingly rest your hand on their chest and say, “It’s ok. You can rest now.” A few seconds later they sit up again. “Guess what happened at lunch?” You lovingly rest your hand on their chest and say, “You can tell me later. For now, you can just rest.” A few seconds later they sit up again. “What if Mason tries to take my money again?” You lovingly rest your hand on their chest and say, “Later we’ll make a plan. But right now, you can rest.” This is what you’ll do every time your mind brings up a thought. Gently and firmly say, “No, thanks,” or “You can rest now,” or “Take a break,” or “There’s nothing to attend to” or, more simply choose not to give it your attention. Even when the thought is something like, “I haven’t had a thought in like two minutes!” Every thought stream starts with you latching onto it. Unlatch. Over time, you may notice that giving your attention to a thought takes you out of a state of peaceful stillness. Or it’s like profoundly shrinking your focal point from a vast openness to a tiny idea. With practice and repeated recognition, you’ll start to loosen the habit of thought-dominated-awareness. Your perspective will broaden – even when you’re not meditating. Thoughts will arise and instead of instantly running away with you, you’ll witness them in a context of inner space where there’s more choice about how to respond. Please give it a try, even if it’s just for one minute. And feel free to share your experience in the comments section below. 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