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A few years ago, my wife and I were at a school meeting and the teacher, a seasoned elder, was telling the parents about the various challenges our kids were facing. As we concluded she said, “You’ve got great kids. The thing is . . .” She paused and seemed hesitant, and then set her jaw and continued, “Look, I don’t mean to offend anyone, and I hope you’ll take this the right way because it’s important. Your kids lack grit.” As she scanned our faces, I think she wanted to say that many of us adults lacked grit too.
We still have certain hardships today, but because life is undoubtedly easier for most people, it’s quite possible to live a normal lifespan with very little grit. Although this grit deficiency is widespread among modern people, the upside is that we generally have higher emotional intelligence than our ancestors did.
There’s a big difference between managing intense emotions because we’re emotionally intelligent versus being unaffected by emotions because we don’t feel them. Grit often goes along with emotional suppression, which was probably a more common coping mechanism in previous generations, in part because we just didn’t talk about our feelings much. The downside was a narrowed experience of life and lots of dysfunctional relationships.
My point is that what we call “grit” often comes at a high price. But grit and emotional intelligence aren’t mutually exclusive qualities. We can be tough without being shut down emotionally. In fact, the better we understand our emotional landscape, the more resilient we are, the healthier our supportive relationships are, and the less daunting it is to step out of our comfort zone.
The cultivation of both grit and emotional intelligence requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. When you think of a person with grit perhaps you imagine them sleeping on the ground, plodding through snow in order to deliver the mail, getting thrown off a horse and climbing back on, or having to use non-organic soymilk in their latte. (Soymilk is almost synonymous with grit, am I right? 😉)
We’d be best served with a combination of both qualities. Grit without emotional intelligence implies a person who can be tough and tenacious, but won’t get to fully experience the journey and rewards of whatever they invest their grit into pursuing. As for emotional intelligence without grit, a person may fully understand what they’re feeling but be unable to stand up to their emotions when they threaten to take over, nor to stand up and say what needs to be said in order to clear the air, maintain integrity, and honor their boundaries.
One silver lining of this pandemic is that I've seen more emotionally intelligent grit in people than ever. It takes grit to make do with shortages of food and toilet paper, to find ways to get our kids educated when schools are closed, to figure out how to make ends meet when our jobs and businesses disappear, and to change our behaviors to reduce the spread of a contagious disease. The emotional intelligence aspect is not letting our fear be the driver, instead being guided in all our adaptations by homing in on what's most important. For instance: family, community, service, vibrant health, kindness, and ecology. It
means honoring the choice that mere survival isn’t enough.
This brings us to the crux of emotionally intelligent grit, which is that having a higher purpose is essential. Without it, we adapt without heart. To me, a high purpose always implies an intention that goes beyond personal gain. It inspires the willingness to be uncomfortable as we develop and maintain these muscles, and the world is made better by this sacrifice.
Be well, and not too comfortable,
Peter
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In the early years of my practice, I studied with an expert in Chinese pulse diagnosis. He had studied under a Chinese doctor named John H. F. Shen who was something of a legend. Dr. Shen was known to treat 200 people in a day. He was a master of reading pulses and faces, and he had an uncanny ability to diagnose the cause of people’s illness – right down to the year it started. Of the countless impressive stories, my teacher recounted the time Shen was feeling an old man’s pulse and told him his problems stemmed from the guilt he felt about killing someone around 1940. The man admitted that during World War II he was part of the French Resistance and had shot a good friend upon discovering that the friend was a Nazi spy.
While I was learning useful pulse diagnosis techniques, I was eager to hear more about Dr. Shen (who had died a few years earlier). I asked my teacher if he’d ever been treated by him. “Yes,” he replied, “and it changed my life forever.” I was expecting to hear a story like the one above, so it was a little disappointing when my teacher said, “He felt my pulses and told me, ‘I won’t treat you. You need to rest. You are working too much.’ That was it.”
What? That was it? “Well, a year later,” he continued, “I tried again. I asked him to feel my pulses and write me an herbal formula. And he told me the same thing. ‘Go home and rest,’ he said. ‘I can’t do anything for you. You need to take a year off.’”
“To take a year off – it seemed unthinkable. But my health had been declining for a long time, so I decided to do it. I made plans to turn my practice over to someone else, I saved money, and I took a year off to rest. It had a more profound impact on me than anything else I’ve ever done. I think I wouldn’t be alive today if I hadn’t listened to him. From then on I have approached life differently.”
Even though it was nothing like the almost-magic readings Dr. Shen was famous for, this story hit me hard. I had spent years studying texts of Chinese medicine that explain the process a healer must understand – the earliest roots of imbalance, how this imbalance progresses into illness, discerning the patterns involved in the illness, and finally, treating the illness and attempting to restore balance. Like almost all my fellow students and practitioners, I had gradually come to focus almost entirely on the last steps – diagnosing and treating the consequences of longstanding imbalance. Meanwhile the early stages had become almost irrelevant. Who cares how it started 50 years ago when the person in front of you needs help now?
Then I remembered, as these ancient books state: “the superior physician” cares – and focuses on correcting imbalance before it becomes disease. Though it’s often impossible to cure advanced disease, in a way it’s a greater challenge to address oneself to the origins, because few people take seriously the early imbalances that aren’t yet causing much suffering.
These early forms of imbalance, by the way, are pretty simple and exceedingly common. They include the unhealthy expression of emotion (suppressing or resisting the experience of an emotion and/or harboring it for a prolonged time), improper eating (too much, too fast, while stressed, low quality food, etc.), and overwork. It was this last issue – overwork – that Dr. Shen was pointing to.
It’s often difficult for people to make the connection between overwork and degradation of health, especially because we’ve all known of a few remarkable and robust individuals who seem able to work tirelessly, sleep minimally, and live for a century. But they are the outliers.
Most of us can’t do this. There is simply no substitute for rest. You can eat well, do yoga, take vitamins, and drink wheatgrass juice, but none of these will allow you to deprive yourself of rest without paying for it.
The simplest advice I could give on rest is this: every day, use less than your total daily allotment of energy. Each day we have a certain amount of energy to work with. This is replenished through good sleep, high quality food digested well, ample clean water, fresh air, our nourishing connections with the world (love and affection, inspiring and affirming conversation, etc.). When we go to bed without having used it all up, we’re investing in ourselves and prolonging our lives. When we use it all up each day, we’re neither serving ourselves nor particularly harming ourselves (as long as our replenishing factors are in good shape). When we use it all up and keep going, we draw on our reserve energy – a reservoir we should rarely need to tap.
This reservoir can be thought of as our store of “life force.” It is what Ayurvedic medicine calls ojas, what Chinese medicine calls jing (“essence”), and what biomedicine understands largely as a function of the endocrine system (especially the adrenal glands). When we deplete our reserve energy, we speed up the aging process and reduce our resistance to disease. Lack of rest also makes us more prone to weight gain. Physiologically this toll may involve depletion of our adrenal glands (a first responder to stress), low thyroid function (a decline in metabolism), low stomach acid and digestive enzyme production, diminished sex hormone production, low immune function, and chronic inflammation.
Everyone can learn to feel when they are running on “good” energy versus tapping into their reserves. When using our “good” energy (the daily allotment discussed above) we have enough fuel to get through our tasks for the day without the need of stimulants, and we feel grounded and solid. When tapping our reserves, we tend to feel a bit jittery, edgy, ungrounded, foggy, weak, or faint. We may feel like we could fall asleep in an instant if we put our head down. If you habitually rely on stimulants (coffee, tea, sugar, chocolate, media, etc.) to get through the day, chances are, you’re tapping into reserve energy on the daily.
If you’ve been out of whack for a while, first stop exceeding your limits. You may also need a period of dedicated rehabilitation like my teacher. This rehabilitation period should include: plenty of clean, fresh air, time in nature, an optimal amount of pure water, a diet of fresh, healthy foods appropriate for your condition, all the sleep you need, a peaceful and positive atmosphere, a personalized health care plan, and you must never use more than your daily allotment of energy. During this period (and always) it’s beneficial to abstain from engaging your energy on anything that doesn’t serve some higher purpose. For instance, if watching vampire movies activates your stress responses (you can tell if you’re on the edge of your seat or feeling tense), this is an energy sink that yields no positive return.
Winter is naturally the ideal time for rest. Just look at how many plants and animals out there have gone dormant for the season. If your mind protests, “But I need to be productive” remind it that this is productive – it’s just a long game. As difficult as it may be to go to bed early, to leave an exercise class before it’s over, or to decline a night out with friends, listening to and honoring your system is a form of growing up. Notice what happens to your mental clarity, mood, self-trust, and quality of life when you prioritize yourself and get the rest you need.
Be well,
Peter
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About 25 years ago I worked for a company that made high end sports goggles. Though the front of the building was covered with posters of pro swimmers and skiers and often felt like a party, my days were spent in a back office, sorting and filing paperwork. It was disappointing, but I met a nice guy there and our conversations helped break up the monotony.
Then he started missing work. A day here and a day there. Then a few days at a time. Then he was absent more than he showed up. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to pry. Finally, on one of his rare appearances at work he told me he had been having severe migraine headaches. They were so crippling he was considering quitting his job.
This was just before I started grad school in Chinese Medicine and I didn’t have anything useful to say. I just remember feeling bad for him and being surprised that migraines could be that debilitating. I wish I knew then what I know now. I believe most cases are completely treatable with natural medicine. Here are some of the key treatments that can make a huge difference:
-
- Acupuncture. I’d estimate I can control 80% of migraine cases with acupuncture alone. Other acupuncturists may fare better or worse than that. (You might ask if this is an area of focus for an acupuncturist you’re considering.) Migraines can result from several underlying patterns, but there is always a condition of stagnation in the head (and sometimes neck and upper torso) – which acupuncture is excellent at releasing.
- Massage. Get regular deep tissue massages. Have them focus on your head overall (including your face, jaw, and the base of your skull), the sides and back of your neck, your upper back and chest, your hands, feet, lower back, and abdomen. Between massages do self-massage with a lacrosse ball. Lie on your back on a carpeted floor with bent knees, and place the ball under you, against the inside edge of your shoulder blade. Moving the ball inch by inch, find every single tender spot, and relax into the ball for a minute or two before moving onto the next one.
- Hydrate. Divide the number of pounds you weigh in half and drink that many ounces of water each day, evenly over the course of the day. (For instance, if you weigh 200 pounds, drink 100 ounces of water a day.)
- Avoid Caffeine. Even though caffeine is an ingredient in some headache medications (because it constricts the blood vessels in the head, making them smaller) it’s also a known trigger of migraines for some people. Many migraine cases improve when caffeine is cut out altogether.
- Figure Out What Foods You’re Sensitive to and Avoid Them. The most reliable way to figure out your food sensitivities is by doing an elimination diet (there are numerous books and websites that explain the process) and then systematically reintroducing foods, one at a time, to see what your reaction is. It’s a good idea to reintroduce foods at least 2 days apart, since the migraine may be delayed by a day. Figuring out your sensitivities and eliminating those foods is often a total cure for migraines. It’s worth the work.
- Clean Up Your Diet. Cut out processed foods and eat more live, fresh, healthy, chemical-free foods, prepared by you or someone with a good heart.
- Avoid Aspartame (Nutrasweet / Equal). Some migraines are triggered by this artificial sweetener. I recommend avoiding it even if it doesn’t give you headaches.
- Consider Avoiding MSG. Although it’s been demonized for decades, most people have no trouble at all with MSG. That said, some find they have fewer headaches when they avoid it. You might see it listed in the ingredients as monosodium glutamate, hydrolyzed vegetable protein or soy, or yeast extract. Analogs of MSG also occur naturally in many foods, including hard cheeses, tomatoes, soy sauce, and even breast milk.
- Avoid Getting Hypoglycemic. Many migraines are triggered by a drop in blood sugar. This is common a few hours after eating a meal with lots of simple carbs or sugar. In some folks, the blood sugar goes way up and then comes crashing down, in what is known as “reactive hypoglycemia.” Besides potentially triggering migraines, reactive hypoglycemia can be an early precursor to diabetes, so there are multiple reasons to get this under control. Eat protein with every meal, and eliminate juice and sweets.
- Reduce Your Stress Level. Exercise, breathe, meditate, do yoga, have fun, get counseling, take breaks, get acupuncture and massage . . . just do whatever you have to do to reduce the impact of your stress.
- Try Magnesium. Many migraine sufferers have low levels of magnesium. Try taking 600 mg (you can gradually go up to 1000 mg) in divided doses over the course of each day. The easiest form for most people to take is dissolvable powder such as Natural Calm brand and others. (Watch out for bowel loosening. If it gives you loose bowels, reduce the dose, spread it out more evenly over the course of the day, or try the form known as magnesium glycinate, which is easier on the digestion.)
- Try Direct Pressure on Your Head. One study had participants with migraines wrap an elastic band (with Velcro at the ends so that it could be secured tightly) around their head, covering the most tender spots. They would then place soft rubber discs under the head band at the places of greatest discomfort to apply extra pressure to these spots. 80% of the people reported a major improvement.
- Take a Good B Vitamin Complex. Several of the B vitamins have been shown to be useful for migraines. Just take all of them in one capsule, once or twice a day.
- Try a Chinese Herbal Formula. A practitioner who specializes in Chinese herbal medicine can write you a personalized formula (usually consisting of 8-12 herbs) to resolve the specific underlying pattern(s) implicated in your migraines. I’ve had many patients report great relief or total resolution of their migraines with a good, customized herbal formula.
- Take Frequent Breaks When Looking at Screens. Eyestrain and overexposure to bright light, especially in the blue range, is a common trigger of migraines. Sometimes blue-blocking glasses can help.
- Improve Your Posture. The mechanical stress of poor posture can cause tension in the head and neck that contributes to migraines. This is especially common when looking down for hours at a phone, laptop, tablet, or book. Tuck your chin slightly, drop your shoulders and bring them back, relax your chest, and imagine you’re being lifted by a string from the very top of your head (in line with the tops of your ears).
If you get migraines, I hope these tips are helpful. They aren’t the only useful approaches, of course. I had a patient who used to stick Q-tips up her nose – the whole way up – and felt that made a huge difference. Others like essential oils, cold compresses, or decapitation. I encourage you to give my suggestions a try. Then let me know what happens, or share your own favorite remedies in the comments section below.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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A few years ago, my wife and I were at a school meeting and the teacher, a seasoned elder, was telling the parents about the various challenges our kids were facing. As we concluded she said, “You’ve got great kids. The thing is . . .” She paused and seemed hesitant, and then set her jaw and continued, “Look, I don’t mean to offend anyone, and I hope you’ll take this the right way because it’s important. Your kids lack grit.” As she scanned our faces, I think she wanted to say that many of us adults lacked grit too.
We still have certain hardships today, but because life is undoubtedly easier for most people, it’s quite possible to live a normal lifespan with very little grit. Although this grit deficiency is widespread among modern people, the upside is that we generally have higher emotional intelligence than our ancestors did.
There’s a big difference between managing intense emotions because we’re emotionally intelligent versus being unaffected by emotions because we don’t feel them. Grit often goes along with emotional suppression, which was probably a more common coping mechanism in previous generations, in part because we just didn’t talk about our feelings much. The downside was a narrowed experience of life and lots of dysfunctional relationships.
My point is that what we call “grit” often comes at a high price. But grit and emotional intelligence aren’t mutually exclusive qualities. We can be tough without being shut down emotionally. In fact, the better we understand our emotional landscape, the more resilient we are, the healthier our supportive relationships are, and the less daunting it is to step out of our comfort zone.
The cultivation of both grit and emotional intelligence requires a willingness to be uncomfortable. When you think of a person with grit perhaps you imagine them sleeping on the ground, plodding through snow in order to deliver the mail, getting thrown off a horse and climbing back on, or having to use non-organic soymilk in their latte. (Soymilk is almost synonymous with grit, am I right? 😉)
We’d be best served with a combination of both qualities. Grit without emotional intelligence implies a person who can be tough and tenacious, but won’t get to fully experience the journey and rewards of whatever they invest their grit into pursuing. As for emotional intelligence without grit, a person may fully understand what they’re feeling but be unable to stand up to their emotions when they threaten to take over, nor to stand up and say what needs to be said in order to clear the air, maintain integrity, and honor their boundaries.
One silver lining of this pandemic is that I've seen more emotionally intelligent grit in people than ever. It takes grit to make do with shortages of food and toilet paper, to find ways to get our kids educated when schools are closed, to figure out how to make ends meet when our jobs and businesses disappear, and to change our behaviors to reduce the spread of a contagious disease. The emotional intelligence aspect is not letting our fear be the driver, instead being guided in all our adaptations by homing in on what's most important. For instance: family, community, service, vibrant health, kindness, and ecology. It
means honoring the choice that mere survival isn’t enough.
This brings us to the crux of emotionally intelligent grit, which is that having a higher purpose is essential. Without it, we adapt without heart. To me, a high purpose always implies an intention that goes beyond personal gain. It inspires the willingness to be uncomfortable as we develop and maintain these muscles, and the world is made better by this sacrifice.
Be well, and not too comfortable,
Peter
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