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[post_content] => Anniversaries have been coming up a lot recently. Besides The Dragontree’s anniversary this month and my upcoming wedding anniversary, numerous friends are experiencing the anniversaries of both happy and sad occasions – quitting booze, a parent passing away, moving to their dream location, having children, beginning a new job, and more. It’s fascinating that as the time of year of a significant past event approaches, the emotions of that event come back to us, even without our consciously bringing it to mind. Sometimes an event that lasted ten minutes affects us for a whole month, every year.
The important happenings usually occur without any intention of the groove they’ll cut in our calendar and the resonance they’ll spread into future years. But what would happen if we deliberately created anniversary-worthy events for the specific purpose of instilling our future with the positive echoes of these events?
I encourage you to participate in this experiment with me.
- Choose a date. Mark it on your calendar.
- Plan something special for that day. It could be some sort of ritual, the beginning of a new chapter in your life, a commitment to yourself or someone else, or simply the most fun day ever.
- Spend several days in advance actively looking forward to it.
- On the chosen day, repeatedly anchor the event in the seasonal cues around you by paying attention to things like the look of landscape, the angle of the sun in the sky, and the feel of the air.
- Make the whole day about the planned event. Repeatedly state your gladness about this special day and what it represents.
- Activate your mental “save button” by looking for positive moments and intending that they be stored in your consciousness. Imagine you’re crystalizing this positivity within yourself as you express your gratitude.
- Before going to bed, write about your day. Tell yourself happily, “I’ll never forget this day.”
- Next year – and every year – remember this day.
As I wrote this, I realized the whole thing might feel contrived. It’s the spontaneous powerful events that really matter, right? Well, that’s what we tell ourselves. We tend to believe that life’s magical moments can’t be called up at will. But who’s in charge of our experience, anyway? Why wait and hope for good things?
Why not practice creating our own magic and see what happens? I believe that the more we consciously forge positive experiences and intentionally anchor ourselves in them, the more authentic they will come to feel, and over time we will shift our everyday consciousness in a sweet and lasting way.
Meet you next year for the commemoration of what you’re about to do,
Dr. Peter Borten
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I once took a required course in a subtle form of bodywork called Jin Shin Do. Rather than pressing, kneading, or stroking, the practitioner simply rests her fingers on specific combinations of acupuncture points and intends for healing to occur. During the first few classes, I thought, “I have all these other healing tools. Why would I waste my time on this? Who can even tell if anything is happening?!”
Yet, I was pleasantly surprised. This class gave me an appreciation for the power of subtlety in medicine. I now believe that subtle healing techniques often succeed where others fail, because there’s less potential for the recipient’s mind or body to object to the intervention, less potential to exacerbate an existing condition, plus an opportunity to “slip under the radar” and initiate a deeper healing.
Frequently, the professor broke us into pairs – a giver and a receiver – to try experiments. And there was one experiment that I’ll never forget.
While the givers’ hands rested on the receivers, she would circulate through the room whispering a variety of words into the givers’ ears. Some of the phrases I remember were, “I love you,” “You are safe,” “You are healed,” and “Everything is good.” The givers were instructed to hold each set of words in their consciousness without changing anything about what they were doing with their hands. Sometimes they were directed to think about what they were going to have for dinner or to ponder a current problem in their life. After a few minutes, both the giver and the receiver would report about what they experienced.
Nearly all the receivers, without knowing what the givers were focused on, reported feeling better when the givers were focused on a positive intention rather their own “stuff.” They weren’t always able to articulate what exactly felt better about it, but some felt more “held” by the giver, or more energy, or an alignment of their skeleton, or a reduction in pain.
There were minimal differences in the effect of the various positive intentions – except one. Everyone in the room reported that the best, most “connected” experience occurred when the giver held the phrase “I am here for you” in their mind. In fact, when the giver thought, “I am here for you,” there were sighs around the room from the receivers. Their breathing deepened and they relaxed more.
I’ve thought about this a lot in the years since. It reminds me of an anxious phase I went through as a tween. When I was 12 I had some panic attacks, and afterwards I always wanted one of my parents to be near me. That need for physical proximity eventually passed – I actually preferred to be alone much of the time – but as I got clearer about it, I realized that I what I really wanted was to know that someone would be available to give me their full presence if I ever needed it. (Kind of like the ease that comes from having a Xanax in your pocket, even if you never take it.)
This realization eventually led to the understanding that attention is an exceedingly valuable thing. We all know that “time is money” because there’s a finite amount of it in the workday. But attention (or presence) is even more precious. How often do you feel that you have someone’s complete, undivided attention?
Back in my angsty tweens and teens – before the Internet, and when it used to cost a lot to make a long-distance phone call – if there wasn’t someone nearby, it might be difficult or expensive to find a human connection. Today, it’s much easier and cheaper. We can Skype or Facetime with someone on the other side of the planet for free! We’ve made great gains in bridging distance with technology.
And yet, it seems even more uncommon to find someone who can give you their presence in a sustained way. Based on my conversations with patients, people feel busier and more distracted than a few decades ago. We have shorter attention spans and less ability to focus. (I believe the phenomenon I’ve dubbed the Human Data Stream – that massive flow of information in the form of texts, calls, videos, social media, emails, etc., and the devices that transmit it – is largely to blame.) You could be sitting across the table from someone, engaged in a conversation, and still feel that they’re not really “here for you.”
HERE. FOR. YOU.
Think about what it means to really be present for someone you care about. As in, I offer you my total presence. And consider how good it would feel if you could allow yourself to fully trust and relax in the presence of a loved one who’s holding the space for you. What a gift! I encourage all of us to practice offering our presence to others – setting aside our personal agendas and giving our full attention to the one in front of us.
Now, there’s a little more to the story. So, I realized that I didn’t need someone always holding my hand, but I wanted to know I had a support system in my family and community. I gathered folks who would be here for me if I needed it (and I for them). And I will always prioritize family and community for the rest of my life.
However, I came to understand that even that level of support was still external in a way. I don’t mean to diminish its value, but I recognized that there was a deeper or closer trust available, a closer presence, that wouldn’t require calling a friend.
I saw that I rarely offered myself my own total presence, choosing instead, almost incessantly, to give my attention to my mind’s constant stream of thoughts. I saw that I rarely told myself, I AM HERE FOR YOU! (By “I” in this phrase, I mean my Authentic Self, my Divine Self, my Absolute Self, or what many people simply call a Oneness with God.) It’s at once tragic and glorious to recognize this self-deprivation.
Sometimes I have difficulty remembering it or accessing it, but I know it’s always there. That is, I am always here. And, because you and I are one, I am always here for you, and you are always here for me. Let’s remember together, and dispel the illusions of separation that cloud our vision.
Be well my friend,
Peter
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I was jogging on the mesa behind our house and my thoughts went to the upcoming holidays and my cycles of introversion and extroversion. For me, social gatherings inevitably spur a yearning to be alone or look at my phone or eat. As I gazed at the peaks and valleys of the mountain range in front of me, I realized that this pattern is an expression of the cycling of yin and yang that’s present everywhere in the universe. I’d like to share my thoughts with you in the hope that it will make for a more balanced holiday season.
In social behavior, this cycle moved from an outward orientation (yang) to an inward orientation (yin) and back. Texting, talking, dancing with others, partying, and co-working are all relatively outward activities. Reading the news, playing a video game (alone), taking a bath, eating, and meditating are all relatively inward activities. After some outward activity, most people feel a desire to go inward. After some inward activity, most people feel a desire to go outward.
We see this cycle from inward to outward to inward to outward, or from expansion to contraction to expansion to contraction, throughout the human body (breathing and the beating of the heart), human behavior, and the natural world. This undulating pattern is seen in the waves of our oceans, in waves of sound and light, in the movement of sexual intercourse, in waking and sleeping, and so much more.
When our inward-outward social patterns are relatively balanced, it works. But if there’s a compulsion to go inward and stay there, to always be gazing at a screen, to be in our bubble, or to eat on autopilot, it’s worth looking at. The same is true for someone who is always socially-engaged and feels uncomfortable going inward or being alone. People can become stagnant in one phase or the other. So I propose we use the holidays as an opportunity for a social experiment and personal growth. I believe both inward and outward activities can be either shallow or deep, and going deep gets us out of stagnation by fulfilling us and moving the cycle along.
Here’s a graphical representation of the inward-outward cycle. I labeled something like 70% of the range of both inward and outward activities as “shallow.” This doesn’t mean they’re frivolous, just that they aren’t soul-nourishing in a way that moves the cycle forward. If we make small talk with our coworkers, then play Candy Crush, then send some emails, then eat lunch while browsing a magazine, and so on throughout the day, this curve would look much flatter – we’re moving from shallow external activity to shallow internal activity and never approaching the “peaks.”
It’s hard to be black-and-white in defining what’s shallow and what’s deep, and what’s outward versus what’s inward – but it’s something we can feel. I called eating an inward activity, but of course there could simultaneously be an outward element of social interaction. Coworking could be very outward or somewhat inward, depending on whether it’s very collaborative and verbal or just a bunch of people introverting near each other. Reading about celebrities is what I’d call a “shallow inward” activity. Talking about celebrities is what I’d call a “shallow outward” activity. Meditation is usually a “deep inward” activity. And having sex – or more specifically, connected love-making – is usually a “deep outward” activity.
Thus, in both inward and outward activities, there’s an opportunity to go to a certain depth where the orientation becomes both internal and external. So, while meditation is an inward activity, when you really go deep with it, there can be an expansiveness, a transcendence of your small self, a sense of connection with everything – and therefore an outward orientation. Similarly, while traveling is mostly an outward activity, when we witness the vastness of nature or the beauty of other cultures or the oneness we all share, the profundity of such an expansive moment can turn us inward. We come into our hearts and are silenced and grateful.
I created a more descriptive diagram of what’s going on. This sphere with a hole through the center, kind of a donut shape, is known as a torus. When dealing with energy, it’s called a toroidal field. Humans have toroidal fields of energy that move in both directions. That is, the energy can move up from the center, then outward, down, and up through the bottom. And it can also move down through the center, then outward, up, and down through the top. What I mean to depict here is that when we go deep, we go through whatever state we’re in and move toward the opposing state. When we go outward and deep, this fulfills our urge to extrovert and takes us inward. When we go inward and deep, this fulfills our urge to introvert and takes us outward. Yin becomes Yang and Yang becomes Yin.
What does this all mean in practical terms? There’s nothing wrong with being introverted or extroverted, and nothing wrong with shallower activities, but if you find yourself getting stuck in either phase, or having difficulty with either phase, try going deeper. As a general guide, bringing your full presence to whatever you’re doing will take you deeper.
In an outward-oriented setting, like a Thanksgiving social gathering, how can you get more real? Can you ask what challenges your friends are facing and be totally present for them? Can you connect more deeply than a conversation about turkey or the weather? Can you share what’s alive for you right now? Can you finally be who you really are around your family? When you’re with people can you be 100% with them? If you find yourself in a game of touch football, can you lose yourself in the spirit of play?
How can you make your introverted periods really count? If you sneak off to the bathroom to play on your phone, can you put it down for a minute and really go inward? Can you feel and acknowledge and accept what’s coming up for you? Can you invite the feelings and take the time and presence to see where they lead you? Can you hear your inner child, meet it with your mature inner adult, and give it what it needs to be at ease – so you can return to the party in a lighthearted way? Can you remember to prioritize meditation and other forms of deliberate stillness throughout the busyness of the holidays?
What happens to your phases of introversion and extroversion when you intentionally go deep in both directions? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments section below.
With love,
Peter
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[post_content] => Anniversaries have been coming up a lot recently. Besides The Dragontree’s anniversary this month and my upcoming wedding anniversary, numerous friends are experiencing the anniversaries of both happy and sad occasions – quitting booze, a parent passing away, moving to their dream location, having children, beginning a new job, and more. It’s fascinating that as the time of year of a significant past event approaches, the emotions of that event come back to us, even without our consciously bringing it to mind. Sometimes an event that lasted ten minutes affects us for a whole month, every year.
The important happenings usually occur without any intention of the groove they’ll cut in our calendar and the resonance they’ll spread into future years. But what would happen if we deliberately created anniversary-worthy events for the specific purpose of instilling our future with the positive echoes of these events?
I encourage you to participate in this experiment with me.
- Choose a date. Mark it on your calendar.
- Plan something special for that day. It could be some sort of ritual, the beginning of a new chapter in your life, a commitment to yourself or someone else, or simply the most fun day ever.
- Spend several days in advance actively looking forward to it.
- On the chosen day, repeatedly anchor the event in the seasonal cues around you by paying attention to things like the look of landscape, the angle of the sun in the sky, and the feel of the air.
- Make the whole day about the planned event. Repeatedly state your gladness about this special day and what it represents.
- Activate your mental “save button” by looking for positive moments and intending that they be stored in your consciousness. Imagine you’re crystalizing this positivity within yourself as you express your gratitude.
- Before going to bed, write about your day. Tell yourself happily, “I’ll never forget this day.”
- Next year – and every year – remember this day.
As I wrote this, I realized the whole thing might feel contrived. It’s the spontaneous powerful events that really matter, right? Well, that’s what we tell ourselves. We tend to believe that life’s magical moments can’t be called up at will. But who’s in charge of our experience, anyway? Why wait and hope for good things?
Why not practice creating our own magic and see what happens? I believe that the more we consciously forge positive experiences and intentionally anchor ourselves in them, the more authentic they will come to feel, and over time we will shift our everyday consciousness in a sweet and lasting way.
Meet you next year for the commemoration of what you’re about to do,
Dr. Peter Borten
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