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June 22nd is my wife Briana’s birthday. She’s the Dragontree’s founder and fearless leader.
On the way to art school at age 18, she was in a car accident and broke her neck. It changed the course of her life. She never made it to art school, instead spending the following six months in a brace at home in Montana. During her rehabilitation period she received massage and this kindled an interest in the healing arts.
She decided to go to massage school in Portland, and later to California College of Ayurveda to learn the traditional medical system of India. When we met, she was a massage therapist at a little spa in Portland and also a professional belly dancer. Less than a year later, she was opening her own spa. She was just 23 then.
I helped with the planning and painting, but she has always been the engine and visionary. I’ve watched her grow tremendously in the 20 years that we’ve been together. Besides her business acumen, she has an incredible knack for making spaces beautiful. She’s an amazing mother and wife. She is generous and kind and funny. She’s a pretty good guitar player, too.
The funny thing is, for probably the first 15 years we were together she had these moments of insecurity when she would ask me with despair in her voice, “What am I doing with my life?!” It was as if she saw herself as floundering and aimless.
It’s interesting how outsiders sometimes see our gifts more clearly than we do. In this case, my response came so easily. “Well,” I would say, “you have built spas where thousands of people have come to feel better. You’ve created programs and courses to educate, uplift, and support people’s healing. You’ve written books. You’ve provided jobs for probably a thousand people over the years. You’re a mother and wife. You beautify the world. You’re a great friend. You’re always trying to be your best self. You’re good at Boggle – though not as good as me. I think that’s a pretty good start.”
I’m not sure if what I said was helpful in a lasting way. But over time, and especially as she began to do more spiritual and coaching work, there was an ever-growing group of people who said to her, “You changed my life for the better.” And I think it started to sink in. She doesn’t ask me what she’s doing with her life anymore.
From all of us whose lives have been made better by our association with you, Briana Borten, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We love you.
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Last week I wrote about the many reasons we don’t ask for help, including what I think of the “Lone Ranger complex,” where we believe there’s great merit in doing everything by ourselves. Sure, there’s a sense of accomplishment, but we still get that feeling even when we accomplish something with the help of others.
I brought this up because enrollment is currently open for our Sacred Expansion course, which is a group-oriented approach to personal growth. Even though the internal exploration is ultimately up to each of us, we can benefit from being guided through a tried-and-true framework, discussing the experience with people on the same path, and holding hands along the way.
Why is it good to do such things with other people? I’m glad you asked. Here are a few reasons.
- We see that other people have the same stuff we do. We’re not alone in our weirdness or our struggles. It’s relieving to know that there’s little that you’ve thought, felt, or gone through that someone else out there doesn’t share.
- Further, we get to see that most people aren’t alienated by our challenges. While we may tend to fear that the world would disapprove and abandon us if it knew XYZ about us (that we’re insecure, we pick our nose, we aren’t that spiritual, we’re always sucking in our belly, we yell at our kids, we use the code for bulk conventional rice when we actually have a bag of organic rice, we snort bath salts, etc.), the truth is our friends and family are unlikely to be ruffled by any of it. More relief.
- We get the opportunity to be seen in our light and reminded of our strengths. While we may be hyper-focused on our problems and faults, others can help remind us that we’re so much more.
- We get “borrowed benefits” (to use a term coined by EFT-creator Gary Craig) from witnessing and helping others work through their problems. In the process, our own knots may begin to loosen and/or we may get insights that can be applied to our life.
- We get to be of service to others. Giving is receiving. It is as much a gift to us as it is to them.
- We learn from others’ reflections of us. The accuracy of self-reflection waxes and wanes, since we’re always seeing ourselves through a certain lens. Sometimes having someone tell us, kindly and truthfully, what they see in us can illuminate our blind spots. It can be difficult to receive this feedback, but may be instrumental in our development.
- We get to experience true connection. When operating from our default habits, we often relate to each other through many layers of mental static. What may look like a conversation between two humans could actually be … me acting out a personality I’ve constructed based on what I think is most impressive and approval-worthy, relating not to the real you, but to the mental representation I’ve made of you, based on my stereotypes, stories, and past experience of you (acting through your own filtered self). Miraculously, my true Self and your true Self can find a way to connect through all this fog. It’s therapeutic to do so. And it serves to dismantle all the crap that gets in the way.
- It helps cure us of one of the most damaging and widely held beliefs in the world: we’re all separate. The denial of our connectedness, especially combined with the belief that there isn’t enough, is a recipe for suffering. It makes us feel alone, vulnerable, judged, and in competition – rather than collaboration – with the rest of our species. But the more we let others into our life, the less we’re controlled by this belief. This is especially true when we share with others about the very issues that make us feel alone, vulnerable, judged, and in competition.
So, I heartily encourage you to find ways to grow in the company of likeminded others! Sacred Expansion is a good place to start. We created it as a preliminary course for our life coaches-in-training, but it soon became clear that it’s such an important and valuable program that we decided to make it available on its own. It’s about getting to know yourself and your place in the natural world, clearing patterns that hold you back, and reconnecting with your peaceful, trustworthy, essential Self.
Love,
Peter
[post_title] => Get By With a Little Help From Your Friends
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If you were birthed by Earth, then every pebble and plant is your sibling.
Last week I wrote about animism, the belief that all things possess a spirit. Animistic cultures are incredibly widespread – chances are, if you didn’t grow up in one, you’re descended from one. But these sensibilities have been largely supplanted by science. Science and spirituality are often at odds, and the science-oriented developed world generally disbelieves in spirituality – especially in a form so different from our monotheistic religions. This might not be a problem if a reductive, nonspiritual orientation met all our needs, but I believe we’ve lost something along the way.
Scientists and animists alike can agree that a rock isn’t biologically alive in quite the same way that, say, a bird is. But the scientist wouldn’t be scientific if they assumed that this means we can’t be in relationship with both. A person who believes a rock doesn’t possess a spirit has no understanding of what life would be like if they did.
The animistic perspective transforms a thing we use into someone we relate to. Our surroundings turn from scenery into family members. Just as it’s relatively easy to perceive the personality of a pet and recognize it as a member of the family, an animist would extend such personhood to all aspects of their world.
Could you be open to experiencing the personality of your favorite tree or stream or mountain? Have you ever felt inexplicably drawn to a certain place in your yard, your home, or the park? It’s where you feel naturally most comfortable, maybe also safer, more focused, even more powerful. What is it that your inner compass is tuning in to?
Beyond the ways in which such an orientation might enrich your subjective experience of your surroundings, there are potentially global repercussions to remembering and being reverent of the spirit of the world – even if we don’t fully embrace the animistic view.
Dr. John Reid of the Ngai Tahu Research Centre in New Zealand explains that when we mistreat the world through disregard for the spirit within, it becomes a vicious circle. Lacking a conscious relationship with nature, we take from pristine resources with no restraint, then we dump our waste back into them. This diminishes what the Maori call its mauri (lifeforce), and the reduction in its vitality makes it less supportive to humans. This willfully ignorant behavior and the hardship that results from it diminishes the mana (dignity / power / authority) of the humans involved.1 The weakened mana of the humans causes them to act in increasingly desperate and irreverent ways, and the cycle continues.
It's possible to transform this situation into a virtuous cycle, but it requires coming into right relationship with our planet. This means humbling ourselves and perhaps taking a cue from animistic cultures. If that sounds good to you, I encourage you to take another week to relate to your surroundings differently than usual.
What happens when you ask before taking? What happens when you give thanks to everything you encounter? What happens when you open yourself to the existence of a spiritual world? What happens when you feel into the dynamic between your body and the elements around you? What happens when you bring greater awareness to the act of consuming something? What happens if you do the same when throwing something away? What happens when you listen?
I believe that bringing consciousness to these relationships yields great benefits. Perhaps we stand to make our planet habitable by humans for longer, but for certain we enrich our mana as we re-weave ourselves into the living tapestry of this exceptional, gorgeous planet.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
1. Informative Maori dictionary here: https://maoridictionary.co.nz/
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June 22nd is my wife Briana’s birthday. She’s the Dragontree’s founder and fearless leader.
On the way to art school at age 18, she was in a car accident and broke her neck. It changed the course of her life. She never made it to art school, instead spending the following six months in a brace at home in Montana. During her rehabilitation period she received massage and this kindled an interest in the healing arts.
She decided to go to massage school in Portland, and later to California College of Ayurveda to learn the traditional medical system of India. When we met, she was a massage therapist at a little spa in Portland and also a professional belly dancer. Less than a year later, she was opening her own spa. She was just 23 then.
I helped with the planning and painting, but she has always been the engine and visionary. I’ve watched her grow tremendously in the 20 years that we’ve been together. Besides her business acumen, she has an incredible knack for making spaces beautiful. She’s an amazing mother and wife. She is generous and kind and funny. She’s a pretty good guitar player, too.
The funny thing is, for probably the first 15 years we were together she had these moments of insecurity when she would ask me with despair in her voice, “What am I doing with my life?!” It was as if she saw herself as floundering and aimless.
It’s interesting how outsiders sometimes see our gifts more clearly than we do. In this case, my response came so easily. “Well,” I would say, “you have built spas where thousands of people have come to feel better. You’ve created programs and courses to educate, uplift, and support people’s healing. You’ve written books. You’ve provided jobs for probably a thousand people over the years. You’re a mother and wife. You beautify the world. You’re a great friend. You’re always trying to be your best self. You’re good at Boggle – though not as good as me. I think that’s a pretty good start.”
I’m not sure if what I said was helpful in a lasting way. But over time, and especially as she began to do more spiritual and coaching work, there was an ever-growing group of people who said to her, “You changed my life for the better.” And I think it started to sink in. She doesn’t ask me what she’s doing with her life anymore.
From all of us whose lives have been made better by our association with you, Briana Borten, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We love you.
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