Lately, many of us have been carrying a lot of anger. Sometimes it’s sparked by the state of the world, by injustice, division, cruelty, or uncertainty. Sometimes it’s much closer to home: conflict in relationships, disappointments, obstacles, stress, exhaustion, unmet expectations, or simply feeling overwhelmed by life itself.
Whatever its source, anger is one of the most human experiences there is. And yet many of us were never taught how to have a healthy relationship with it.
From the perspective of Chinese five element philosophy, anger is associated with the wood element. We all contain this and the other four elements, and healthy wood energy empowers us with the same virtues we see in a young seedling in spring: vision and planning (it always knows where it’s headed and how to get there); flexibility (it bends in the wind without breaking and finds its way around obstacles); determination and vigor (even the occasional spring snowstorm won’t stop it); courage (like the upright posture of every tree, it stands for the life it chooses and embodies).
When we encounter obstacles in life, a healthy response usually means maintaining the vision of where we’re headed and finding a way to grow around what’s in front of us. We adjust the plan and keep flowing. (By “plan” I mean everything from the small-scale plan of how you intend your day to go to the larger arc of your life.)
One of the main reasons Briana and I were inspired to create the Dreambook + Planner was because of all the times we’d seen ourselves and others get thrown off course by life obstacles and take days, weeks, or years to reconnect with what truly mattered. The Dreambook is designed to help people get clear about their vision and stay connected to the bigger picture on a daily basis.
Even though obstacles are inevitable, they still catch us by surprise. And often, anger plays a pivotal role in what happens next.
If we willingly feel and accept anger, it tends to move through us relatively quickly. We may even discover that we can harness and transform it into determined action or creative problem solving.
However, many of us were raised to believe anger was bad: too loud, too dangerous, too disruptive, too hurtful. Or perhaps others’ anger felt unsafe or destructive growing up. As a result, we may suppress it entirely.
But anger is simply a certain flavor of emotional energy. It’s not anger itself that causes harm. It’s what people do with it.
Suppressing anger is a bit like telling spring, “You’re too intense,” and forcing it back into winter. Over time, this can create numbness, depression, disconnection, or powerlessness. And when suppressed anger finally surfaces, it can feel overwhelming and uncontrollable. There is, however, a healthy middle ground.
Among people who experience anger freely, some do so responsibly: recognizing it as their own, not weaponizing it, and using communication, vision, and self-awareness to pursue resolution.
But often anger becomes a tool for domination or power struggles. We may believe we need anger in order to be heard, respected, or effective. If you’ve ever yelled at a customer service representative and gotten your way, perhaps you concluded that anger was instrumental in the outcome. Sometimes anger becomes a way to rail against obstacles rather than pursuing a goal we’re secretly afraid to fail at… or even afraid to succeed at.
Anger can help us access courage, but that can lead to the mistaken belief that we must be angry in order to be courageous, or that our anger entitles us to bully others. Of course, it’s entirely possible to be courageously loving, courageously benevolent, and courageously unattached. In fact, without those qualities, angry courage rarely creates true resolution.
On the other hand, when anger is suppressed, courage is often suppressed right along with it.
When we’re swept up in anger, it can seem as though the external circumstance directly caused it: a comment online, a difficult conversation, a betrayal, an injustice, an obstacle. But usually anger arises in response to thoughts of resistance or conflict:
“This shouldn’t be happening.”
“This is unfair.”
“I don’t like this.”
“That person is wrong.”
These are understandable thoughts. But they are also arguments with reality. While we can’t always control the thoughts that arise, we can choose whether to believe them fully, feed them, or act from them.
To be clear: anger itself is not wrong, and feeling angry does not make you immature or unevolved. And of course, there are times when fighting for change is necessary and important. But if we genuinely want freedom, clarity, healing, or growth, it’s useful to become aware of how anger moves through us and how we relate to it.
If anger seems absent from your emotional landscape, perhaps you have a gift for perspective. But more often, especially if you struggle with numbness or depression, anger is being suppressed. And usually it’s not just anger that gets blocked, but the entire healthy expression of the wood element: vigor, courage, flexibility, determination, vision, and growth.
On the other hand, if you find yourself angry often, it may be worth examining how you use the emotion and what you get from it. There is a tremendous amount of energy in anger, and that energy can become addictive. Conflict can become addictive too. There is a temporary satisfaction in proving someone wrong or winning a power struggle. But there are more important things in life.
Here are some ways to cultivate a healthier relationship with anger:
• Allow yourself to feel it without directing it at someone. There’s a difference between responsibly expressing emotions and spewing them onto others.
• Be willing to experience the sensation of anger in your body. Notice where it lives. Notice its texture and intensity. Stay curious rather than resistant.
• Breathe deeply, especially lengthening the exhale. Let your body soften instead of contract.
• Intentionally open yourself. Anger tends to create a feeling of energetic “closing.” Imagine your heart, jaw, throat, and chest opening instead. Put your feet on the ground and allow energy to move through you.
• Ask for clarity. Speak to your Highest Self, Spirit, God, or whatever language resonates with you. Ask to see the bigger picture more clearly.
• Practice making requests and communicating honestly rather than relying on anger to make your point.
• Journal. Putting thoughts and feelings into words helps move emotional energy and restore perspective.
• Stick to the facts. Notice how often interpretation and storytelling intensify anger.
• Remember your deeper goal. Obstacles are part of the path, but your life is bigger than the obstacle in front of you.
• Forgive. Including yourself. And understand that forgiveness is often something we practice repeatedly, not a single moment of completion.
Be well,
Peter