While giving a massage the other day, I was thinking about how essential it is to have our bodies touched. I was able to directly loosen and untangle restrictions in my client’s connective tissue. Interwoven in those tangles are mental and emotional patterns that can also be released. Meanwhile, there’s an experience of calm, safety, and being cared for that’s deeply beneficial to the nervous system – it’s the opposite of stress.

Usually.

Sadly, many people are not altogether at ease with touch. Nearly everyone goes through three difficult transitions that involve a withdrawal of loving touch. Within the womb, we’re perpetually embraced by our mother’s body. We’re always held and never alone. All our needs are met; it’s a state of perfection. The birth process is the first withdrawal of touch, and though we don’t consciously remember it, it’s the initial trauma of our lives.

Luckily, most of us continue to receive lots of physical affection after birth. We’re kept close against our parents’ bodies, we nurse from our mother, and family members and friends want to pick us up, touch our soft skin, and feel our baby hair. We are properly adored.

But within a year or two, the second process of withdrawal begins. Our parents need to get better sleep and have work to do; this requires putting us down more and moving us into our own bed. We’re left alone for increasingly longer periods, but we don’t have the language or competence to understand why contact is diminishing. We’re left to make primitive guesses at it ... is love being taken away? is something wrong with us? is touch no longer good, or is it just for babies? Deep beliefs start forming.

I don’t want to imply that we’re all victims, but even in the absence of obvious traumatic events, nearly everyone experiences ongoing “microtraumas” in early childhood due to our incapacity to comprehend and healthily navigate everyday challenges. These often translate to maladaptive beliefs and behaviors throughout life.  

 Around the time we enter school, our parents are likely to start warning us of inappropriate touch and “bad people” who may act friendly but actually wish to harm us. We learn that humans can be predatory, and touch can be invasive. We’re also increasingly in the company of other children who are as new to this as we are. There’s a push-pull dynamic, whereby we’re encouraged to join and submit to the will of the tribe while simultaneously experiencing hostility from other tribe members.

In our teenage years, a third transition usually occurs that changes our relationship with innocent affection as touch takes on new meaning. More than ever, it’s premeditated and it’s a communication. As we learn about sex, nearly every touch initiates a question in our mind: What does this mean? This coincides with growing peer pressure to always know what everything means. We’re reluctant to ask and scared to misinterpret, so we may endure or inflict unpleasant or unwanted touch.

Meanwhile, we’re bombarded with a tremendous array of mixed signals. Adults, especially relative, coaches, and religious leaders, are supposed to be safe and trustworthy but sometimes they aren’t. Media is hypersexualized, yet simultaneously hypervigilant for sexual behavior it can condemn as scandalous.

If you had excellent guidance through your developmental years, you may have arrived at adulthood completely unrestrained about giving and receiving platonic physical affection; with very clear boundaries between platonic and sexual touch; and with the confidence to communicate whenever is necessary to ensure that both parties are happy with all exchanges of touch.

But, if you’re like the 90-something percent of the world that turned out somewhat less healthy and clear about touch, it’s time to let yourself off the hook. Recognize that you’ve been through the unfortunate process just described and give yourself credit for being even semi-functional in this arena.

If you have had difficulty with giving and receiving healthy touch, I encourage you to begin the process of healing from the past. We tend to think of women as being most in need of it, due to their higher likelihood of having been on the receiving end of bumbling and possibly abusive sexual contact. But men also have a high rate of emotional blockage, so any guy who can’t share a hug with another man without inserting a handshake between your two bodies could benefit from this work.

Obviously, if you’ve experienced severe physical or sexual abuse, this is a process worth navigating with a professional. But for all those with the garden variety of weird touch experiences, for those who overthink every touch, for those who believe touch equals flirtation or sex, for those who find it hard to receive an unclothed massage . . . remember, there is abundant opportunity for safe touch and it is fundamentally healing.

Though your mind may be scathed by your programming and experiences, your soul yearns for it. It may feel contrived or uncomfortable at first, but over time, you will relax into it. You’ll be less conscious of every touch as it becomes more natural. And you’ll return to your native state of comfort and enjoyment with touch.

If you’re up for it, I encourage you to try a homework assignment this week. Touch a few people platonically. Put a hand on their arm for a moment, and if you desire, send a loving mental message, such as “I’m listening to you,” “I’m here for you,” “I care about you,” “You’re doing great,” or “I love you.”

Notice what comes up in yourself when you do this. How did it feel? Natural? Weird? How did they seem to respond? If they’re a good friend, maybe even tell them what you just did and talk about it!

Love,

Peter

P.S. This is (more or less) and excerpt from our book The Well Life. It grew from our recognition that traditional metrics of a healthy body and mind don’t necessarily translate to whole life wellness. What about your career, your relationships, your creative expression, your finances, your spirituality, and your community? That’s what this book is for!

^ link to Audible listing of the Well Life:

https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Well-Life-Audiobook/B07SBJLGZT