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The first of January has sometimes felt to me like an arbitrary date to divide our lives by, since most of our projects and phases don’t conform to the calendar year. But I’ve decided it’s as good a time as any to make resolutions, and perhaps there’s some group momentum we generate when we all align ourselves around virtuous intentions together.
Maybe you’re familiar with the concept of “drafting” or “slipstreaming,” whereby someone in a vehicle can ride in the wake of moving air or water created by a vehicle in front of them. It reduces resistance and helps pull them along, making for an easier ride. Cyclists and racecar drivers do it all the time – drafting the bike or car in front of them by staying right behind them. The only one who doesn’t benefit much from it is the vehicle in the front. In the case of our New Year’s resolutions, we’ll all be drafting a guy named Barry who lives in Hoboken and is really jazzed about his new diet.
So, let’s take the opportunity to consider what we want 2017 to be about. My friend Andy Drish chooses a theme for each year at its outset, and he says the year has a way of conforming to the vision he establishes. When he looks back, it’s impressive to see just how many things seemed to fall into place along the lines of the year’s theme.
Some of his past themes included The Year of Exponential Growth, The Year of Being a Man Who Fearlessly and Courageously Gives His Gifts to the World, and The Year of Self Love. I think this is a brilliant idea, and I recommend you choose a theme for 2017 right now, and write it down. For me, this is The Year of Deep, Unshakable Happiness.
If you feel especially inspired, you can even choose a theme for each month, such as The Month of Serving My Species, The Month of Learning to Ask for What I Want, and The Month of Letting Go of the Struggle. If you’re the kind of person who thrives on structure, this can really help keep you on track while supporting you to focus on several different areas of growth. Each month could be a sub-theme that supports the year’s overarching theme. If coming up with twelve more themes sounds too complicated, just stick to your one theme of the year.
Once you have settled on a theme (or a yearlong theme plus twelve monthly themes), get a piece of paper and jot down some things you could do to support the actualization of this theme. It’s not so important that these actions directly produce the condition stated in your theme. Just think of them as the supportive part of the contract you’re creating with yourself and the universe.
To use my own theme as an example, even though there’s no formula for being happy, there are certainly a handful of things that can help. My intention for the year is to tap into that happy-for-no-reason state of mind that isn’t dependent upon particular life circumstances. To support the actualization of this state, I’ve agreed to do a bunch of things that I know are good for me, such as meditating, eating well, exercising, spending more time with friends, going on more dates with my wife, journaling, and abstaining from complaining or criticizing.
I set parameters around each of these actions (once a day, once a week, once a month, etc.), and I know that as I keep these agreements, I reinforce my trust in myself. Virtually everything I say I’m going to do gets done, because I know my subconscious is watching, and because, well, keeping your word matters – even (perhaps especially) if it’s just with yourself. Another thing that happens when I’m conscientious about noticing the agreements I make and being sure to keep them is that my mind becomes easier to manage. I don’t have the mental burden of broken or forgotten agreements weighing on me.
The result of this consistency is that a kind of momentum develops – my own slipstream. And when I’m in this groove, I notice that magic happens.
Try it. It doesn’t require talent, excessively effort, or charisma. Just choose a theme, make some supportive agreements – nothing that exceeds what you know you can follow through on – choose parameters (frequency, time period), and then honestly keep these agreements.
This year, I know more people who are consciously engaging in a process like this than I’ve ever known before. I’m excited to see what we accomplish. If you feel so moved, please share the theme of your year in the comments section below.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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Last week I wrote about forgiveness as the ultimate psychological cleanse. The emphasis of the article was on forgiving other people, because most of us have plenty of work to do in this area, and it’s pretty easy to identify the resentment we have toward others, whether it’s our parents, ex-lovers, and bosses, or more distant relations, like Dick Cheney and Monsanto. But I believe the massive submerged part of the resentment iceberg is all about ourselves.
In my opinion, whether we’re aware of it or not, we blame ourselves for everything about our life that isn’t the way we think it should be. Like I said, this portion of the iceberg is usually hidden, so I expect many people will disagree with me on this. I didn’t believe it until just a few years ago. Before then, I would have told you, I’m not someone who blames myself when things go wrong.
But through my meditation practice, I gradually discovered a wellspring of self-blame, shame, and guilt within myself. It’s not that these feelings just arose in me; I unearthed them. They’ve been there since childhood. And my sense is that they’re not just my feelings . . . they belong to all of us. The focus of this self-blame is so broad that I believe it’s simply an inevitable product of the way we socialize each other.
Probably, it stems from an early time in our lives when the people around us began to teach us about the world. There were so many words, labels, and behaviors to learn, and the goal of every lesson was to be right. When we named the color, or peed in the right place, or ate all our food, we did it right and got the reward of praise, love, and approval. And when we drew on the wall, or hit someone, or had the wrong answer, we didn’t get this reward. Maybe we even got disapproval or anger.
And since most of this positive and negative feedback came from our parents – the people responsible for our very survival – we naturally made being right one of our highest priorities. We became experts at being – or at least, appearing – right. Two important secondary behaviors developed from this training. First, we taught our subconscious to habitually identify wrong things – in us and in others – because it’s at least as important to know what’s wrong, and to avoid being wrong, as it is to be right. Second, we learned to internally preside over the judgment of our own behavior. By policing ourselves, scolding ourselves, and withholding approval from ourselves, we could get better at presenting only rightnessto the world.
As we moved into the school phase of life, this training became more rigorous. Our teachers and peers joined in on the process of critiquing us, and we began to see that certain things about us could be wrong that we never thought about controlling before – like the size of our body, or the color of our skin, or the way our hair looked. And if we were brought up in a sin-based religion, we were likely taught that, despite being “created in God’s image,” we had messed up really bad. All of this served to strengthen our internal critic.
But our self-criticism has been such a constant thing that many of us barely even notice it. Even in psychologically healthy folks, I’d guess that there are dozens of thoughts each day that go something like: “I’m not working fast enough,” “I should be thinner,” “There’s something wrong with me,” “I shouldn’t have said that,” “I should have done that differently,” “I should be better at . . .,” “I should be more accomplished at this age than I am,” “I’m a mediocre parent,” “Why am I so bad at making money?,” “I’m not doing anything impressive,” “I’m not very pretty,” “I screwed up my life,” and more. Self-blame thoughts like these make us less happy, and they cause us to withhold approval from ourselves, even if they don’t seem so bad. Even if we think, “But it’s true.”
Forgiveness – continual forgiveness, where we just let ourselves and the world BE however we are – is the means to liberation. There’s a line I love from A Course in Miracles: “God does not forgive because he has never condemned.” All the condemnation comes from within our own minds, and forgiveness is the ultimate cleanse.
I believe that a big part of our personal evolution is about letting more and more love into our lives. We can all have as much love as we want, but we restrict it from certain areas of our lives because we don't accept them or we think they should be different. So, there are these dark nooks and crannies in our consciousness where we haven't let the love in. The more of those we have, the less light, free, joyful, and spontaneous we feel. They're like sandbags weighing down our hot air balloon. And when we forgive, it's like cutting the strings.
When we start forgiving habitually, not only do we begin to experience a lightness and freedom that for many of us has been absent for decades, but we also begin to recognize just how powerful we are. Even if we’ve been exploring personal development or spirituality for a while, we’ve probably had an outlook that amounts to looking for and appreciating the goodness in each situation. Perhaps we’ve even come to realize that there’s a certain lightness to be found in every circumstance. But when we start living forgiveness, and we shed mountains of blame, a new understanding may emerge: we don’t need to find the goodness in every situation; we bring the goodness to every situation. You are the light of the world, as soon as you choose it.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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At a party some years ago I noticed a guy across the room with a big personality. Like a strong double-ended magnet, he appeared to either attract or repel everyone around him. Eventually someone introduced us. He was a successful and intimidating businessman, and for some reason he seemed to like me.
At one point he leaned in with a sly grin as if he were about to confide something in me. Then he said, “You know what I love to do at parties? I meet someone, find out what they believe in, and then I explain why they’re wrong about all of it. I systematically tear apart their whole worldview. They walk away like they just lost their compass!” He laughed like he genuinely relished those moments.
Although I was disgusted by this admission I also found it fascinating. Of course, it’s not unusual to witness power struggles for dominance – especially between men, between dogs, between couples, and between parents and children.
But most power struggles begin with a disagreement, and – on the surface, anyway – that seems to be the cause of the struggle. What was less common in this case was that this fellow was consciously setting out to dominate others he didn’t yet know and was looking forward to the satisfaction he’d feel when he “won.”
Though a psychologist might say the guy’s social behavior was pathological, in a way it was just a more obvious and one-sided expression of something many of us engage in on a routine basis.
When absorbed in a power struggle we may believe that we’re just righting a wrong, correcting a mistake, or doing the right thing. But if we were to stop and ask ourselves honestly where we’re coming from, the truth is often that we just want to win and/or that we can’t bear losing.
In the book The Courage to Be Disliked, authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga argue that rarely are our arguments about the topic we believe; mostly they’re driven by the desire to prove our power and make the other person submit. They advise that when we recognize we’re in a power struggle it’s best to step down without reacting.
“Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles – none of these things is defeat,” they write. “The pursuit of superiority is not something that is carried out through competition with other people.” The term superiority here simply means personal excellence, not superiority in comparison to someone else.
Kishimi and Koga (summarizing the work of psychologist Alfred Adler) explain that power struggles hinge on the belief that one’s stance on an issue makes them right. “The moment one is convinced that ‘I am right’ in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle. At that point, the focus of the discussion shifts from the rightness of the assertions to the state of the interpersonal relationship.” Then it’s no longer a conversation. It’s a contest.
Though he doesn’t use the term “power struggle” Author Vadim Zeland makes a similar point in Reality Transurfing. He describes the energy behind these struggles as “pendulums.” Like the giant swinging pendulum of an enormous clock, they’re fueled both by collective adherence or opposition to an issue. When you’re presented with a pendulum, whether you jump aboard in agreement or fight it tooth and nail, you’ve jumped aboard it and are being taken for a ride.
He advises stepping back (mentally) and disengaging, imagining you’re like a ghost – so the swinging pendulum doesn’t trigger you or affect you in any way. It just swings right through you.
I encourage you this week to notice the power struggles and pendulums in your life. What happens when you engage with them? What happens when you attempt not to engage? Are you able to? Is there a part of you that desires the conflict? Does it feel disappointed if you step back? If you engage in a power struggle and “win” how does this feel? If you notice a power struggle between others, can you witness the energetic conflict beneath the words? Do you feel called to bring light to it? What happens if you do?
Be well,
Peter
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The first of January has sometimes felt to me like an arbitrary date to divide our lives by, since most of our projects and phases don’t conform to the calendar year. But I’ve decided it’s as good a time as any to make resolutions, and perhaps there’s some group momentum we generate when we all align ourselves around virtuous intentions together.
Maybe you’re familiar with the concept of “drafting” or “slipstreaming,” whereby someone in a vehicle can ride in the wake of moving air or water created by a vehicle in front of them. It reduces resistance and helps pull them along, making for an easier ride. Cyclists and racecar drivers do it all the time – drafting the bike or car in front of them by staying right behind them. The only one who doesn’t benefit much from it is the vehicle in the front. In the case of our New Year’s resolutions, we’ll all be drafting a guy named Barry who lives in Hoboken and is really jazzed about his new diet.
So, let’s take the opportunity to consider what we want 2017 to be about. My friend Andy Drish chooses a theme for each year at its outset, and he says the year has a way of conforming to the vision he establishes. When he looks back, it’s impressive to see just how many things seemed to fall into place along the lines of the year’s theme.
Some of his past themes included The Year of Exponential Growth, The Year of Being a Man Who Fearlessly and Courageously Gives His Gifts to the World, and The Year of Self Love. I think this is a brilliant idea, and I recommend you choose a theme for 2017 right now, and write it down. For me, this is The Year of Deep, Unshakable Happiness.
If you feel especially inspired, you can even choose a theme for each month, such as The Month of Serving My Species, The Month of Learning to Ask for What I Want, and The Month of Letting Go of the Struggle. If you’re the kind of person who thrives on structure, this can really help keep you on track while supporting you to focus on several different areas of growth. Each month could be a sub-theme that supports the year’s overarching theme. If coming up with twelve more themes sounds too complicated, just stick to your one theme of the year.
Once you have settled on a theme (or a yearlong theme plus twelve monthly themes), get a piece of paper and jot down some things you could do to support the actualization of this theme. It’s not so important that these actions directly produce the condition stated in your theme. Just think of them as the supportive part of the contract you’re creating with yourself and the universe.
To use my own theme as an example, even though there’s no formula for being happy, there are certainly a handful of things that can help. My intention for the year is to tap into that happy-for-no-reason state of mind that isn’t dependent upon particular life circumstances. To support the actualization of this state, I’ve agreed to do a bunch of things that I know are good for me, such as meditating, eating well, exercising, spending more time with friends, going on more dates with my wife, journaling, and abstaining from complaining or criticizing.
I set parameters around each of these actions (once a day, once a week, once a month, etc.), and I know that as I keep these agreements, I reinforce my trust in myself. Virtually everything I say I’m going to do gets done, because I know my subconscious is watching, and because, well, keeping your word matters – even (perhaps especially) if it’s just with yourself. Another thing that happens when I’m conscientious about noticing the agreements I make and being sure to keep them is that my mind becomes easier to manage. I don’t have the mental burden of broken or forgotten agreements weighing on me.
The result of this consistency is that a kind of momentum develops – my own slipstream. And when I’m in this groove, I notice that magic happens.
Try it. It doesn’t require talent, excessively effort, or charisma. Just choose a theme, make some supportive agreements – nothing that exceeds what you know you can follow through on – choose parameters (frequency, time period), and then honestly keep these agreements.
This year, I know more people who are consciously engaging in a process like this than I’ve ever known before. I’m excited to see what we accomplish. If you feel so moved, please share the theme of your year in the comments section below.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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