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Previously I wrote about spring and the role of the wood element in our lives (from the perspective of Chinese five element philosophy). We all contain this and the other four elements, and healthy wood empowers us with the virtues we see in a young seedling in spring: vision and planning (it always knows where it’s headed and how to get there); flexibility (this helps it bend in the wind without breaking and find its way around obstacles); determination and vigor (even the occasional spring snow storm won’t stop it); courage (like the upright posture of every tree, it stands up for the life it chooses and embodies).
When we encounter an obstacle to anything in life, a healthy response usually means maintaining the vision of where we’re headed and finding a way to grow around it. We make an adjustment to the plan and keep flowing. (By “plan” I mean everything from the small scale plan of how you intend your everyday life to go to the grand plan of the overall arc of your life.)
One of the main reasons Briana and I were inspired to create our Dreambook + Planner was because of all the times we’d seen ourselves and others get thrown off course by life obstacles and take days, weeks, or years to find our way back. The Dreambook is designed to help users get crystal clear about their plan(s) and then stay connected to the big picture on a daily basis.
Even though we should expect obstacles they usually catch us by surprise, and we often feel disappointed or even angry. In these instances, anger frequently plays a pivotal role in what happens next.
If we willingly feel and accept the anger, it passes through us pretty quickly and we can get back to our plan. We might even find that we’re able to harness and transform the anger into determined action, or to use it to inspire a creative solution.
However, many of us were raised to feel that anger is bad – that our own anger was too much, too hurtful, or too loud, and/or that others’ anger was scary, unsafe, or destructive to the family. Consequently, we may resist and suppress it.
But anger is just a certain “flavor” or frequency of emotional energy. It’s not anger itself but what people do with it that makes us afraid of it.
Suppressing this energy is like saying to spring, “You’re too intense!” and pushing it back into winter. This can result in numbness, depression, or powerlessness. And when we stop suppressing it, we may alternate to being totally dominated by it. There is a healthy middle ground.
Among those who freely experience anger, some do it responsibly: recognizing it as their own, not weaponizing it, and fully utilizing their powers of vision and communication to aim for resolution.
But often it’s a tool we wield to dominate a situation and an impetus to engage in power struggles. We might use it when we believe someone won’t give us what we want unless we show our anger. If you’ve ever yelled at a customer service representative and then got your way, perhaps you concluded that your anger was instrumental in the outcome. Frequently anger becomes an excuse to rail against our obstacles rather than pursuing a goal we’re afraid to fail at . . . or to achieve.
Sometimes anger can help us to access courage, but the association can lead to the false belief that we need to be angry in order to be courageous – or that our anger entitles us to be a bully. Of course, it’s totally possible to be courageously loving, courageously benevolent, and courageously unattached. In fact, without these virtuous qualities, courageous anger won’t often achieve real resolution. On the flip side, when anger is suppressed, we often unintentionally block our access to courage as well.
When we’re carried away by anger, we may believe it arose automatically in response to a certain situation – like reading a snarky comment on social media. But is this true? Did the circumstance directly cause anger in us?
Almost always the anger is a response to a thought of resistance, injustice, or conflict, such as: “This wasn’t supposed to happen,” or “I don’t like this,” or “This is unfair,” or “That person thinks I’m wrong and that they’re right.” While these are understandable positions, they are also, after all, arguments against reality. We can’t often control whether or not our thoughts are accurate or rational, but we can choose whether to believe them and act on them.
To be clear, anger itself isn’t wrong, and feeling angry isn’t immature or unevolved. And of course, there are times when fighting for change is the best thing to do. But if we endeavor to be free, to know ourselves, and to grow, it’s useful to become aware of how and when anger arises in us, what it feels like, and what we’re doing with it.
If anger is conspicuously absent from your emotional palette, maybe you have a gift of perspective. But more commonly – especially if you struggle with depression or numbness – the anger is being suppressed. If so, you’ll usually find that it’s not just the emotion that’s suppressed, but the whole energy of the wood element – vigor, flexibility, tenacity, vision, courage, determined growth, etc. In order to have a life of balance, happiness, and freedom, it’s important to let these energies – anger included – move through you. It doesn’t have to express itself as rage, nor does it need to take you over.
If you tend to get angry a lot, it may be worth looking at how you use the emotion and what you get out of it. There’s a lot of energy in anger and that can be addictive. If your anger keeps you in a state of conflict and gives ammo to your power struggles, that can be addictive too. There’s something satisfying about winning a power struggle, convincing someone that they’re wrong and you’re right. But there are more important things in life!
Here are some ways to let in (and out) a healthy experience of anger:
- First, pent up anger can be released without directing it at someone. We often hear that we should express our feelings, but there’s a difference between expressing them responsibly versus spewing them at others. If necessary, make relevant communications in order to get clear, but throughout the conversation, remember your purpose (whatever it is, I’d suggest it should include “to let go and move on”).
- Be willing to feel it. It’s safe to let yourself experience how anger feels in your body. Notice where you feel it the most and what it feels like. Be curious. Don’t resist. Surrender to the feeling. Invite it to be felt fully.
- Breathe through it. Get into your body. Let your breaths be long and deep, and lengthen your exhale especially, intending to let go.
- Intentionally open yourself. Anger tends to have a “closing” effect on us energetically (and even physically). Instead, imagine your heart opening, your throat opening, your jaw opening, your neck and head opening. Put your feet flat on the ground and imagine that life energy is allowed to move through you unobstructedly. You can also repeat the mantra “Open,” emphasizing a long O sound.
- Ask for the restoration of your vision. Speak to your Highest Self or Spirit (or whatever term you prefer) and request clarity. Be clear that you would rather see the truth, see the big picture of your journey, than to be right about what you believe.
- Practice using language to make requests and convey how you feel rather than resorting to using anger to make your point. For more information, check out Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.
- Journal. As you put the thoughts and feelings into words and get those words out onto paper, you’re processing, learning yourself, getting back into the flow, and making yourself open to a resolution.
- Stick to the facts. When telling the stories that make you angry (whether to yourself or others), try stating only the facts of what happened without any interpretation added on. Does this change the way you see it?
- Choose the result you want. Obstacles are part of the path. They help us grow. But you probably didn’t choose to invest your time and energy into fighting obstacles (which isn’t to say you never need to fight). You were headed somewhere, remember? Often we caught up in feeling we can’t get there without vanquishing the obstacle in front of us, but there’s almost always a way around it. Sometimes it requires thinking bigger about your goal – are you sure it has to look like the specific outcome you had in mind? What quality of life or experience did you believe you’d have when you achieved that outcome? Isn’t that still possible?
- Forgive. Ideally, this means forgiving all involved parties, and virtually always that includes yourself. Don’t expect it to be a single act. Commit to forgiving and re-forgiving every time you find yourself in resentment again.
Be well,
Peter
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When I lived in Portland I’d chuckle at announcements for an annual cycling event called The Worst Day of the Year Ride, which is held sometime around February. There’s a ride with the same name in Ann Arbor, Michigan. We’re coming up on that time of year, folks. Humorous equations have even been created to predict the worst day, such as this one, where W=weather, d=debt, D=monthly salary, T=time since Christmas, Q=time since failing our new year's resolutions, M=low motivational levels, and Na=the feeling of a need to take action.
Sorry to all those who have February birthdays and everyone who loves winter (for the record, I love all the seasons, I just don’t love long periods without sun). It’s a challenging time for many, as it’s often cold and dreary, the holidays are over, the lights have been taken down, you may have lost your resolution motivation, and of course, there’s COVID.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article called Meeting With the Spirit of Winter, which I encourage you to check out if winter is a struggle for you. This week I want to talk about some of the physical things you can do to have an easier winter.
- Reach out to friends and family.
I know it’s hard when you’re feeling melancholy or sluggish, but it’s good medicine. Get on a video chat or take a walk together. If you struggle to get it planned and then weeks or months pass before the next one, try setting it up as a weekly thing, or always schedule the next one before you say goodbye.
- Take advantage of the light.
Get outside, even if the weather sucks. On a clear day, the brightness (measured in lux) is about 10,000 lux outside. On an overcast day it’s closer to 1,000 lux. Typical home and office levels are about 250-500 lux. Grocery stores are often around 750 lux. So a cloudy day is still brighter than most indoor environments. And simply being outside and connecting with nature is also therapeutic.
Most people with low winter mood and energy notice a boost from exposure to bright light – whether by getting outside, working next to a window, or supplementing with a full spectrum light. It used to be that you could only approximate daylight with a fluorescent bulb and full spectrum light systems were somewhat expensive. Nowadays there are cheap, super-bright full spectrum LED lights available. It’s best to use these when the sun would normally be brightest, to help normalize your circadian rhythm.
- Get enough vitamin D.
Most of us produce insufficient vitamin D in the winter, even if it’s sunny. Supplementing may help boost your immune system. I typically recommend people take about 35 units per pound of body weight per day. If you’ve been tested and have low vitamin D, you might need higher doses for a while to get yourself to an optimal level. Numerous studies have shown a correlation between low vitamin D levels and more severe cases of COVID-19. If you take high dose vitamin D over time, it’s worthwhile to supplement with a little vitamin K also.
- If you live in a damp home, get it managed.
A study in the American Journal of Public Health showed a link between depression and living in a damp, moldy home. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, environmental dampness is considered to have a stagnating and congealing effect on the flow of energy through the body. This is also why many sufferers of chronic pain conditions, such as arthritis or fibromyalgia, complain that they feel stiffer and tighter in rainy weather.
When I lived in Portland, I saw patients with mold exposure all the time. I thought when we moved to Colorado I wouldn’t see it in this dry climate, but it’s prevalent here, too. Besides depression and achy joints, mold can cause a host of other health problems. If you suspect there may be mold in your living space, it’s worth testing for it and getting it remediated if it’s present. A dehumidifier may help in moist spaces.
- Keep moving.
Exercise is essential at all times of year, but especially in the winter when the combination of cold temperatures, dry air, shorter days, less nature exposure, and more resilient viruses all work against us. While I feel it’s important to tune in to the energy of the season – which is, after all, about dormancy – 20 to 30 minutes of some kind of movement each day is still a good idea.
I hope these tips and those in Meeting with the Spirit of Winter help you enjoy this season more. And remember, the days are already getting longer (by about 2½ minutes each day)!
Be well,
Peter
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When Briana and I were creating the Dragontree Life Coach training program, we had lots and lots of meetings to discuss the curriculum. During one of those meetings I suddenly remembered something that happened in a classroom about 20 years earlier . . .
I was in graduate school for Asian medicine and I was taking a course in a subtle form of healing called Jin Shin Do. It involves touching acupuncture points on a patient’s body with minimal pressure. The idea isn’t to give a massage or manipulate the tissue, but to simply make contact, forming circuits between the points and supporting them to perform their therapeutic functions.
At the same time, I was studying massage, herbal medicine, and acupuncture – modalities where both practitioner and patient could agree that something more “obvious” was being done. In comparison I had some doubts about whether Jin Shin Do would accomplish anything, but I was pleasantly surprised. As the weeks passed and my classmates and I treated each other, we all noticed improvements in our physical and psychological health. And because the intervention was so gentle, there weren’t any side effects.
I was especially amazed at how recipients’ experiences were affected when the practitioners were secretly instructed to hold a certain mental focus during the treatment. For instance, sometimes the instructor would have the practitioners think about what they were going to make for dinner, or about their finances, or to keep the word “love” in mind while touching the recipient.
One focus resulted in the best experiences for the recipients. When the practitioners were told (without the recipients’ knowledge) to hold in mind the phrase “I am here for you,” the recipients reported feeling the deepest relaxation, profound peace, and a sense of trust in the process. (Unsurprisingly, when the practitioners spent the session thinking about dinner or money, the recipients reported that it didn’t feel like the treatment did anything).
Though it was a fleeting experience, it taught me a lot about what humans want and how we can best support each other. When it came to developing the coaching curriculum, this memory shaped our approach. While it may sound great to be able to solve people’s problems for them, often it’s even more supportive to be a steadfast presence for them – to “hold space” so they can safely feel and explore what’s happening for them . . . and discover the solution themselves.
This recognition sometimes comes as a big relief to coaches (or anyone in the healing arts) because it means you don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, I think it’s safe to say you’ll never have them. You can let yourself off the hook.
If you care for people and like to help, if you feel joy from seeing someone grow and develop their superpowers, you can do this. If you’re able to say, “I am here for you,” you’re able to support healing and evolution. And if you’d like some instruction in doing this work – some heart-centered, compassionate, holistic, nature-based, and thoroughly beautiful instruction – please check out our Dragontree Life Coaching Program.
Be well,
Peter
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Previously I wrote about spring and the role of the wood element in our lives (from the perspective of Chinese five element philosophy). We all contain this and the other four elements, and healthy wood empowers us with the virtues we see in a young seedling in spring: vision and planning (it always knows where it’s headed and how to get there); flexibility (this helps it bend in the wind without breaking and find its way around obstacles); determination and vigor (even the occasional spring snow storm won’t stop it); courage (like the upright posture of every tree, it stands up for the life it chooses and embodies).
When we encounter an obstacle to anything in life, a healthy response usually means maintaining the vision of where we’re headed and finding a way to grow around it. We make an adjustment to the plan and keep flowing. (By “plan” I mean everything from the small scale plan of how you intend your everyday life to go to the grand plan of the overall arc of your life.)
One of the main reasons Briana and I were inspired to create our Dreambook + Planner was because of all the times we’d seen ourselves and others get thrown off course by life obstacles and take days, weeks, or years to find our way back. The Dreambook is designed to help users get crystal clear about their plan(s) and then stay connected to the big picture on a daily basis.
Even though we should expect obstacles they usually catch us by surprise, and we often feel disappointed or even angry. In these instances, anger frequently plays a pivotal role in what happens next.
If we willingly feel and accept the anger, it passes through us pretty quickly and we can get back to our plan. We might even find that we’re able to harness and transform the anger into determined action, or to use it to inspire a creative solution.
However, many of us were raised to feel that anger is bad – that our own anger was too much, too hurtful, or too loud, and/or that others’ anger was scary, unsafe, or destructive to the family. Consequently, we may resist and suppress it.
But anger is just a certain “flavor” or frequency of emotional energy. It’s not anger itself but what people do with it that makes us afraid of it.
Suppressing this energy is like saying to spring, “You’re too intense!” and pushing it back into winter. This can result in numbness, depression, or powerlessness. And when we stop suppressing it, we may alternate to being totally dominated by it. There is a healthy middle ground.
Among those who freely experience anger, some do it responsibly: recognizing it as their own, not weaponizing it, and fully utilizing their powers of vision and communication to aim for resolution.
But often it’s a tool we wield to dominate a situation and an impetus to engage in power struggles. We might use it when we believe someone won’t give us what we want unless we show our anger. If you’ve ever yelled at a customer service representative and then got your way, perhaps you concluded that your anger was instrumental in the outcome. Frequently anger becomes an excuse to rail against our obstacles rather than pursuing a goal we’re afraid to fail at . . . or to achieve.
Sometimes anger can help us to access courage, but the association can lead to the false belief that we need to be angry in order to be courageous – or that our anger entitles us to be a bully. Of course, it’s totally possible to be courageously loving, courageously benevolent, and courageously unattached. In fact, without these virtuous qualities, courageous anger won’t often achieve real resolution. On the flip side, when anger is suppressed, we often unintentionally block our access to courage as well.
When we’re carried away by anger, we may believe it arose automatically in response to a certain situation – like reading a snarky comment on social media. But is this true? Did the circumstance directly cause anger in us?
Almost always the anger is a response to a thought of resistance, injustice, or conflict, such as: “This wasn’t supposed to happen,” or “I don’t like this,” or “This is unfair,” or “That person thinks I’m wrong and that they’re right.” While these are understandable positions, they are also, after all, arguments against reality. We can’t often control whether or not our thoughts are accurate or rational, but we can choose whether to believe them and act on them.
To be clear, anger itself isn’t wrong, and feeling angry isn’t immature or unevolved. And of course, there are times when fighting for change is the best thing to do. But if we endeavor to be free, to know ourselves, and to grow, it’s useful to become aware of how and when anger arises in us, what it feels like, and what we’re doing with it.
If anger is conspicuously absent from your emotional palette, maybe you have a gift of perspective. But more commonly – especially if you struggle with depression or numbness – the anger is being suppressed. If so, you’ll usually find that it’s not just the emotion that’s suppressed, but the whole energy of the wood element – vigor, flexibility, tenacity, vision, courage, determined growth, etc. In order to have a life of balance, happiness, and freedom, it’s important to let these energies – anger included – move through you. It doesn’t have to express itself as rage, nor does it need to take you over.
If you tend to get angry a lot, it may be worth looking at how you use the emotion and what you get out of it. There’s a lot of energy in anger and that can be addictive. If your anger keeps you in a state of conflict and gives ammo to your power struggles, that can be addictive too. There’s something satisfying about winning a power struggle, convincing someone that they’re wrong and you’re right. But there are more important things in life!
Here are some ways to let in (and out) a healthy experience of anger:
- First, pent up anger can be released without directing it at someone. We often hear that we should express our feelings, but there’s a difference between expressing them responsibly versus spewing them at others. If necessary, make relevant communications in order to get clear, but throughout the conversation, remember your purpose (whatever it is, I’d suggest it should include “to let go and move on”).
- Be willing to feel it. It’s safe to let yourself experience how anger feels in your body. Notice where you feel it the most and what it feels like. Be curious. Don’t resist. Surrender to the feeling. Invite it to be felt fully.
- Breathe through it. Get into your body. Let your breaths be long and deep, and lengthen your exhale especially, intending to let go.
- Intentionally open yourself. Anger tends to have a “closing” effect on us energetically (and even physically). Instead, imagine your heart opening, your throat opening, your jaw opening, your neck and head opening. Put your feet flat on the ground and imagine that life energy is allowed to move through you unobstructedly. You can also repeat the mantra “Open,” emphasizing a long O sound.
- Ask for the restoration of your vision. Speak to your Highest Self or Spirit (or whatever term you prefer) and request clarity. Be clear that you would rather see the truth, see the big picture of your journey, than to be right about what you believe.
- Practice using language to make requests and convey how you feel rather than resorting to using anger to make your point. For more information, check out Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.
- Journal. As you put the thoughts and feelings into words and get those words out onto paper, you’re processing, learning yourself, getting back into the flow, and making yourself open to a resolution.
- Stick to the facts. When telling the stories that make you angry (whether to yourself or others), try stating only the facts of what happened without any interpretation added on. Does this change the way you see it?
- Choose the result you want. Obstacles are part of the path. They help us grow. But you probably didn’t choose to invest your time and energy into fighting obstacles (which isn’t to say you never need to fight). You were headed somewhere, remember? Often we caught up in feeling we can’t get there without vanquishing the obstacle in front of us, but there’s almost always a way around it. Sometimes it requires thinking bigger about your goal – are you sure it has to look like the specific outcome you had in mind? What quality of life or experience did you believe you’d have when you achieved that outcome? Isn’t that still possible?
- Forgive. Ideally, this means forgiving all involved parties, and virtually always that includes yourself. Don’t expect it to be a single act. Commit to forgiving and re-forgiving every time you find yourself in resentment again.
Be well,
Peter
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