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Last week I discussed our tendency to get attached to a single point of view, and how this often keeps us stuck. When we recognize the validity of other perspectives – and allow that both sides are within us (and also in our adversaries, be they real or imaginary) – this helps to neutralize the issue. For a deeper and more thorough exploration, we can look at the two sides of an issue intersected with the push and pull of desire and fear (or attraction and repulsion). It’s a process Leslie Temple Thurston simply calls “squares.”
Here are some examples. If you find them challenging, I encourage you to work through them. If not, I hope they help you understand how the exercise works and lead you to the patterns that are relevant to you.
In this first example, we’re looking at the intersection of desire and fear with that of being in control versus out of control. Wanting control is a primary human motivator. A great many of our upsets can be traced to an underlying fear of being out of control. But pursuing control may amplify the belief that we’re not in control. This can be a tricky catch-22 to work with. So if you have a strong desire to be in control (upper right quadrant), you’d do well to address yourself to the fear of being out of control (lower left). These are easy for most people to access.
Can you think of a situation that arouses the fear of being out of control? Holding that in mind, what happens in your body? Can you feel some physical unease? What happens if you don’t resist that feeling? What happens if you even invite it to be felt with your whole being, willingly allowing it spread over you? And what happens when you imagine opening yourself, like opening a closed fist that contains a butterfly, and let it peacefully depart? If this process diminished the intensity of the feeling, but not completely, try doing it several times in succession. For more on this form of body-centered releasing, check out our book, Freedom.
Less obvious – but not uncommon – is the fear of being in control (lower right quadrant). If you’re in control, does that mean whatever happens is your fault? Maybe being in control feels like too much responsibility. If control issues are significant for you, I encourage you to do the process described in the last paragraph with the idea of situation in which you are in control. What comes up?
Last, there’s the desire to be out of control (lower left quadrant). Though this may seem totally foreign to someone who’s rigidly clenching around every aspect of life, there’s always a hidden part that yearns for the relief of being out of control. Anyone who’s ever been to a college party at the end of finals has witnessed plenty of desire to be out of control.
Try visiting with all four quadrants and journaling about how each state exists in you. You might also have fun with the following variation – desire and fear of independence versus dependence.
This is a major dynamic in kids and adolescents, and it’s not helped by the fact that parents often give mixed messages. On the one hand, we may be telling our kids to stay attached to the family, don’t try to get your needs met by your inept peers, and keep coming to us for support and advice. On the other, we’re telling them to grow up, do more things for themselves, get themselves ready for school, figure out their homework, and navigate new situations with minimal guidance. When we see them shifting their attachment from the family to their peers, we often mistake this for independence, when they’ve actually become dependent on peers for approval and direction.
It's probably easy for them to access the desire to be independent, even if it’s scary, because our society puts so much value on it. If we can help them recognize the other three quadrants, it may help to neutralize some of the inner and outer forces, and allow them to be accepting of where they are and comfortable with striking a balance.
Of course these dynamics don’t necessarily end when adolescence does. We may find ourselves struggling with the dimensions of dependence and independence in our adult relationships, and when handicapped, ill, or elderly. Exploration and peacemaking with these states may support a peaceful resolution.
Be well,
Peter
P.S. If you find this exploration interesting, perhaps you’d enjoy guiding others through processes like these. Check out the Dragontree Coaching Program. In the advanced Illuminator training, we go even deeper into these processes.
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Check out this interview I did on The Raw and Wild Hearts Podcast! We talk about how to strengthen your immune system, keep infections mild, and manage the psychological, emotional, and spiritual implications and opportunities presented by the Coronavirus pandemic.
I did this interview with an an aim to share my knowledge about how all of us can increase our personal levels of sanity and physical health in the throes of this pandemic.
Please share this with anyone you know who might benefit, and feel free to add your questions and comments below ... I'd absolutely love to hear from you.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => Empower Your Health during Coronavirus ... and Always. (audio cast)
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No matter where you are on your journey, the Dragontree candle collection offers an inspiring tool to help light the way. Our new candles are thoughtfully designed and hand-crafted with intention and quality ingredients.
We. Love. Candles. As owners of spas and teachers of ritual, we go through a LOT of candles. Think of a big number and multiply it by a zillion – that’s how many candles we burn. A day.
There are plenty of things we love about candles, but the central reason we use them is to bring the Fire Element into our space.
From the beginning of recorded time, fire has been a powerful symbol and a central part of our lives. Our relationship to it is embedded deep in our collective consciousness.
Fire’s light and warmth has long been a source of comfort and safety, and has been used to initiate rituals, to carry prayers, to promote transformation, to celebrate our connection with each other, and to remember and honor the light of awareness that unites us and transcends the mundane.
For millennia we tended fires and gazed into flames on a daily basis, which facilitated a gentle meditative state in which we readily let go of our troubles and became realigned. Deprived of that routine, we find ourselves habitually staring at glowing screens instead . . . an inferior replacement that tends to have the opposite effect on us.
The moment we light a candle, it shifts our consciousness. It takes us out of the whirlwind and brings us back into the present moment.
Every detail of our Dragontree candles was painstakingly considered to ensure they’d be inspiring, supportive, and simply the best candles we’ve ever used.
Why they’re so great:
- Made with 100% beeswax
- Higher melting point so they emit the cleanest, brightest flame
- Cleanest burning wax produces no soot or toxic chemicals
- Releases negative ions into the air, helps purify and elevate sacred spaces
- The dense composition of beeswax burns slower and lasts longer than other candles
- Individually hand poured by craftspeople in Cape Cod.
- Presented in a luxurious box with gold foil lettering – perfect for gifting
- Made with natural essential oils for an aromatherapeutic – but never overpowering or perfumy – experience
- Poured in beautiful glass vessels imprinted with an affirmation
- Vessels can be reused as an elegant pen holder, vase, or a hundred other uses
- Ethically and sustainably created
- No dyes, additives, or parabens
- 3"D x 3.5"H
- 8 oz.
- Up to 50 hours burn time
- Made in the USA
Why not paraffin, soy, or palm wax?
Paraffin is a byproduct of the petroleum industry, and burning paraffin candles releases toxic compounds into your living space, including known carcinogens. Soy wax comes from soybeans, 96% of which are genetically modified to tolerate application of the pesticide Roundup. We don’t want to contribute to the soy industry and its ecological impacts. Palm wax comes from palm plantations which require massive-scale deforestation, endangering orangutans and other species, and contributing to climate change. Beeswax, in contrast, requires raising millions of healthy bees, which pollinate our crops and are a vital link in the ecosystem.
You Are Sacred
This elegant and soulful candle comes in a glossy black tumbler that is imprinted with a simple but powerful reminder: You Are Sacred. We know how easy it is for this crazy human ride to make you forget, to make you feel small and powerless. But that’s not who you really are. Remember? You Are Sacred. You are an expression of your Highest Self. You are a conscious creator. You can choose in every moment how to embody this sacredness. Light it daily before meditation, journaling, setting an intention, starting your day, or anytime you need some sacred space to get through a negative experience.
The spicy, earthy notes of Cardamon, Vetiver, and Cedarwood mix with the bright, clear scent of Cypress and Pine, and the addition of Amyris highlights the soft woodsy aroma with the slightest hint of sweetness. This custom scent was blended to foster a calm sense of wellbeing and connect you to the sacred spaces found in nature .
Our You Are Sacred candle makes a thoughtful gift for loved ones to show them you recognize their scaredness and want to be a part of their challenges, healing, and growth.
Be The Light
This bright and joyful candle is hand poured into a reflective white glass vessel and speaks to a powerful choice that is always available: “Be The Light” in noble gold lettering. This simple, yet life-changing statement reminds you there is a light within and your job is to let it shine into the world. Just as one candle can be used to light another, your light – pouring through your heart, your smile, your hands, giving purpose to your every task – sparks the light in others.
Be The Light means not just shining outward, but also inward. In order to be effective beacons in the world, we must not withhold light from any part of ourselves. Being the light means accepting and integrating all that we are. In a world with plenty of darkness, there is no service greater than being an embodiment of light, uplifting those around you and affirming that lightness is their true nature.
The fresh, cleansing fragrance of Sage and Pine blends artfully with soothing notes of Lavender and Vanilla and creates a sensory experience that supports emotional balance, blocks negative energies, and purifies your sacred space.
Brighten someone’s day by gifting them this lovely affirmation. It serves as a daily prompt and lets them know that you recognize their light and are warmed and inspired by knowing them.
Click here to check out our new candles!
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Last week I discussed our tendency to get attached to a single point of view, and how this often keeps us stuck. When we recognize the validity of other perspectives – and allow that both sides are within us (and also in our adversaries, be they real or imaginary) – this helps to neutralize the issue. For a deeper and more thorough exploration, we can look at the two sides of an issue intersected with the push and pull of desire and fear (or attraction and repulsion). It’s a process Leslie Temple Thurston simply calls “squares.”
Here are some examples. If you find them challenging, I encourage you to work through them. If not, I hope they help you understand how the exercise works and lead you to the patterns that are relevant to you.
In this first example, we’re looking at the intersection of desire and fear with that of being in control versus out of control. Wanting control is a primary human motivator. A great many of our upsets can be traced to an underlying fear of being out of control. But pursuing control may amplify the belief that we’re not in control. This can be a tricky catch-22 to work with. So if you have a strong desire to be in control (upper right quadrant), you’d do well to address yourself to the fear of being out of control (lower left). These are easy for most people to access.
Can you think of a situation that arouses the fear of being out of control? Holding that in mind, what happens in your body? Can you feel some physical unease? What happens if you don’t resist that feeling? What happens if you even invite it to be felt with your whole being, willingly allowing it spread over you? And what happens when you imagine opening yourself, like opening a closed fist that contains a butterfly, and let it peacefully depart? If this process diminished the intensity of the feeling, but not completely, try doing it several times in succession. For more on this form of body-centered releasing, check out our book, Freedom.
Less obvious – but not uncommon – is the fear of being in control (lower right quadrant). If you’re in control, does that mean whatever happens is your fault? Maybe being in control feels like too much responsibility. If control issues are significant for you, I encourage you to do the process described in the last paragraph with the idea of situation in which you are in control. What comes up?
Last, there’s the desire to be out of control (lower left quadrant). Though this may seem totally foreign to someone who’s rigidly clenching around every aspect of life, there’s always a hidden part that yearns for the relief of being out of control. Anyone who’s ever been to a college party at the end of finals has witnessed plenty of desire to be out of control.
Try visiting with all four quadrants and journaling about how each state exists in you. You might also have fun with the following variation – desire and fear of independence versus dependence.
This is a major dynamic in kids and adolescents, and it’s not helped by the fact that parents often give mixed messages. On the one hand, we may be telling our kids to stay attached to the family, don’t try to get your needs met by your inept peers, and keep coming to us for support and advice. On the other, we’re telling them to grow up, do more things for themselves, get themselves ready for school, figure out their homework, and navigate new situations with minimal guidance. When we see them shifting their attachment from the family to their peers, we often mistake this for independence, when they’ve actually become dependent on peers for approval and direction.
It's probably easy for them to access the desire to be independent, even if it’s scary, because our society puts so much value on it. If we can help them recognize the other three quadrants, it may help to neutralize some of the inner and outer forces, and allow them to be accepting of where they are and comfortable with striking a balance.
Of course these dynamics don’t necessarily end when adolescence does. We may find ourselves struggling with the dimensions of dependence and independence in our adult relationships, and when handicapped, ill, or elderly. Exploration and peacemaking with these states may support a peaceful resolution.
Be well,
Peter
P.S. If you find this exploration interesting, perhaps you’d enjoy guiding others through processes like these. Check out the Dragontree Coaching Program. In the advanced Illuminator training, we go even deeper into these processes.
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