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Last week I discussed our tendency to get attached to a single point of view, and how this often keeps us stuck. When we recognize the validity of other perspectives – and allow that both sides are within us (and also in our adversaries, be they real or imaginary) – this helps to neutralize the issue. For a deeper and more thorough exploration, we can look at the two sides of an issue intersected with the push and pull of desire and fear (or attraction and repulsion). It’s a process Leslie Temple Thurston simply calls “squares.”
Here are some examples. If you find them challenging, I encourage you to work through them. If not, I hope they help you understand how the exercise works and lead you to the patterns that are relevant to you.
In this first example, we’re looking at the intersection of desire and fear with that of being in control versus out of control. Wanting control is a primary human motivator. A great many of our upsets can be traced to an underlying fear of being out of control. But pursuing control may amplify the belief that we’re not in control. This can be a tricky catch-22 to work with. So if you have a strong desire to be in control (upper right quadrant), you’d do well to address yourself to the fear of being out of control (lower left). These are easy for most people to access.
Can you think of a situation that arouses the fear of being out of control? Holding that in mind, what happens in your body? Can you feel some physical unease? What happens if you don’t resist that feeling? What happens if you even invite it to be felt with your whole being, willingly allowing it spread over you? And what happens when you imagine opening yourself, like opening a closed fist that contains a butterfly, and let it peacefully depart? If this process diminished the intensity of the feeling, but not completely, try doing it several times in succession. For more on this form of body-centered releasing, check out our book, Freedom.
Less obvious – but not uncommon – is the fear of being in control (lower right quadrant). If you’re in control, does that mean whatever happens is your fault? Maybe being in control feels like too much responsibility. If control issues are significant for you, I encourage you to do the process described in the last paragraph with the idea of situation in which you are in control. What comes up?
Last, there’s the desire to be out of control (lower left quadrant). Though this may seem totally foreign to someone who’s rigidly clenching around every aspect of life, there’s always a hidden part that yearns for the relief of being out of control. Anyone who’s ever been to a college party at the end of finals has witnessed plenty of desire to be out of control.
Try visiting with all four quadrants and journaling about how each state exists in you. You might also have fun with the following variation – desire and fear of independence versus dependence.
This is a major dynamic in kids and adolescents, and it’s not helped by the fact that parents often give mixed messages. On the one hand, we may be telling our kids to stay attached to the family, don’t try to get your needs met by your inept peers, and keep coming to us for support and advice. On the other, we’re telling them to grow up, do more things for themselves, get themselves ready for school, figure out their homework, and navigate new situations with minimal guidance. When we see them shifting their attachment from the family to their peers, we often mistake this for independence, when they’ve actually become dependent on peers for approval and direction.
It's probably easy for them to access the desire to be independent, even if it’s scary, because our society puts so much value on it. If we can help them recognize the other three quadrants, it may help to neutralize some of the inner and outer forces, and allow them to be accepting of where they are and comfortable with striking a balance.
Of course these dynamics don’t necessarily end when adolescence does. We may find ourselves struggling with the dimensions of dependence and independence in our adult relationships, and when handicapped, ill, or elderly. Exploration and peacemaking with these states may support a peaceful resolution.
Be well,
Peter
P.S. If you find this exploration interesting, perhaps you’d enjoy guiding others through processes like these. Check out the Dragontree Coaching Program. In the advanced Illuminator training, we go even deeper into these processes.
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Last week I shared a quote from spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti: “Do you want to know my secret? I don’t mind what happens.” Then we looked at the differences between an absolute spiritual truth and the relative perspective of most humans. When we encounter an absolute view that we haven’t personally realized and experienced, sometimes it doesn’t make sense or it even has the opposite effect of what was intended.
If we imagine “I don’t mind what happens” to mean “nothing bothers me,” this contradicts most people’s daily experience. But it fits right in with a common perception when we’re evolved or enlightened we’ll be imperturbable. So, without having realized the absolute truth, we might apply it to our relative experience in a way that amounts to denying our humanity.
Buddhist psychologist and author, John Welwood, who coined the term “spiritual bypass,” explained that we have a tendency to use absolute truths of spirituality to dismiss “relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits.” He believed we need to recognize “two different tracks of human development— which we might call growing up and waking up, healing and awakening, or becoming a genuine human person and going beyond the person altogether.”1 Thus, it’s possible to resolve all our psychological problems without achieving a spiritual awakening, and it’s possible to wake up spiritually and still have a highly dysfunctional personality.
So, what is the place of such statements of absolute spiritual truth? In my opinion it’s still useful to expose ourselves to them. We shouldn’t confuse the destination with the path, and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be able to embody them at will. But they can still serve as a messenger to the soul. When we encounter a statement like, “I don’t mind what happens,” perhaps it’s like a key that unlocks something within us. Maybe it stirs a place in us that remembers this, beneath the slumbering mind, and begins to initiate an unraveling of what has caused us to forget. Perhaps it inspires us to understand what this means, to experience it directly for ourselves. Perhaps it makes us ask, “What would my life be like if this were true for me?”
Meanwhile, what can you do when you find ourselves minding what happens? You’re in good company. Virtually everyone in the world has times when they mind what’s happening. People in pain, people who are afraid, people who are lonely or grieving, people who can’t fall asleep, people witnessing violence or injustice . . . most of them mind what’s happening. So here are some options.
Option one is to suffer. Highly unpleasant but very popular.
Option two is to change something external. Sometimes this is possible and useful, other times it isn’t. If you mind that you’re getting bitten by mosquitos, you could put on bug spray. If, on the other hand, you mind that your government is corrupt, you may not be in a position to significantly improve it, especially if you have a busy life and don’t plant to change careers.
This is where the famous Serenity Prayer by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr is useful – “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” If you can recognize what cannot be changed by you, it may be easier to let go of the belief that they are your business. If you’re not currently engaged with it, don’t mind it. That is, don’t give your mind to it.
Option three is to change something internal. There are several sub-options here. The first is to deny that you mind what you mind. The main way we do this is through willful ignorance. We often employ willful ignorance as a coping mechanism simply because we can’t take care of all the things that concern us in the world.
For instance, I have a 60-year-old truck that I take out occasionally to get bales of hay for our alpacas, and the exhaust stinks. I know I’m putting carbon emissions into the atmosphere, and I haven’t yet found a way to fix it. So I have to put it out of my mind (i.e., willfully become ignorant of how I am contributing to climate change) in order to lessen the amount of guilt I feel about it. It’s a mediocre way of dealing with minding what happens.
Another way to deny that you mind what’s happening is through spiritual bypass. That is, you employ a spiritual ideal you haven’t actually achieved as a way of falsely transcending your issues. Welwood explained it as using “spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
I think we can agree that denial isn’t the best answer. As a band-aid, it never truly resolves the unsettled feeling that erodes your peace and infringes on your presence.
Another way of changing something internal is to consciously, sincerely explore your relationship with what you mind. Don’t say “I don’t mind” when you do mind. Be honest with yourself. And don’t say, “I shouldn’t mind” when you do mind. Consider this alternative: I do mind, but I am determined not to argue with or depart from reality.
Here we come to what I believe Krishnamurti actually meant by “I don’t mind what happens.” I don’t believe he meant that nothing could bother him. I think he meant that, regardless of what happens, he doesn’t see reality as wrong or feel it should be different. If someone were to come at him with a knife, perhaps he would have found himself knocking the knife out of their hand. This wouldn’t mean that he “minds what happens,” only that he chose to act. Whether he acted or remained entirely passive to an attack, either one would affect the course of events, so neither constitutes “minding” more than the other.
But let’s bring this back to an application for someone who hasn’t yet realized the absolute truth of not minding what happens. First, there is a difference between minding what is currently occurring here and now versus minding something that is neither. The latter is what I mean by “departing from reality.” If it’s not currently happening, see if you can bring yourself back into the present experience.
There is also a difference between minding something but accepting it versus minding something and insisting that it shouldn’t be happening. “Shouldn’t be happening” is an exercise in futility. It’s an argument against reality. Removing your resistance from the equation (to something that cannot be changed by resisting it!) reduces your suffering; and it doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you’re giving up.
Jesuit priest and author Anthony de Mello defined enlightenment as absolute cooperation with the inevitable. This is the opposite of resistance and a necessary first step before diving deeper into your relationship with what you mind.
Diving in is acceptance in action. Generally, you must set aside time and space for this. It entails meeting the inner discord with sincerity, being willing to see, hear, feel, and understand it in its entirety. It also entails a willingness to recognize how the conflict degrades you and limits your freedom. Try to maintain an attitude of openness and innocence throughout the process. This work can unravel long-held beliefs and patterns of constraint. It can enable you to move forward with constructive action, if that’s what you choose. And it can facilitate an expansion from your relativistic thinking about the issue to a more transpersonal perspective. This may not always get you to a place where you can honestly say, “I don’t mind what’s happening,” but it will bring greater clarity and peace to your experience of it.
Be well,
Peter
1Fossella, T., 2011. Human Nature, Buddha Nature: An Interview with John Welwood. [online] Tricycle: The Buddhist Review. Available at: <https://tricycle.org/magazine/human-nature-buddha-nature/> [Accessed 27 April 2022]. Welwood cautioned, “When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it.”
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In past articles I suggested that while it’s common to think that the essence of commitment is staying together no matter what, this is a pretty superficial interpretation. More meaningful is a commitment to a certain quality of relationship. What’s the value in saying “forever” if you’re not going to make it a wonderful forever?
If you’re in a committed relationship and are interested in improving it, it’s valuable to write about and discuss with your partner the qualities you’re committed to. If you’re not in a relationship but would like be in an ecstatic one, it’s useful to define these qualities beforehand. Below are some ideas to get you started.
Note that when I say “both people” in these examples, of course you can request that your partner agrees, but it’s important to begin with yourself. You and your partner are different people. If you’re fully participating and your partner isn’t on board with everything you’ve requested, let them explain what exactly they are willing to commit to. Then you can decide whether that works for you.
Be patient with them if you’ve never discussed ideas like these before. They may have some learning and catching up to do. Be tactful to help them understand that your interest in leveling-up the relationship doesn’t mean they’ve done something wrong.
Kindness – A basic starting point for a mutually beneficial relationship is that both people treat each other (and themselves) with kind words and actions. This includes being flexible, forgiving, and striving to understand. To start, take a single day to be acutely mindful of the kindness – or lack thereof – in your words, thoughts, and behaviors (with regard to your partner). This may help you to recognize the potential breadth of kindness.
Honesty – Honesty means more than not telling lies or keeping secrets. High level honesty in a relationship designed for growth and synergy entails a great deal of self-awareness. You must know what’s actually going on within you in order to be honest with your words and actions. Otherwise there’s dissonance. Dissonance doesn’t feel good. It may cause you to subconsciously blame the other person or resent the relationship, and your partner will likely perceive it as a lack of closeness.
Engagement – It’s natural to have times when we’re wrapped up in our work, family responsibilities, or personal pursuits, with little left to invest in the relationship. A healthy relationship can withstand this, though not indefinitely. In order to get the most out of a relationship, both people must routinely (and enthusiastically) invest time, energy, and presence in it. If you’re finding yourself averse to doing so, return to Honesty and figure out what’s actually going on.
Mutuality – It may sound obvious that both people should aim to see and include the other as an equal, conscious being, but it’s exceedingly common to relate to a partner (or anyone else we know) through the internal mental representation we’ve created of them based on past interactions and judgments. In this way, we may treat each other more like objects than vessels of consciousness, light, and love. We may unconsciously regard them as an obstacle, or a thing that serves to give us something or make us happy. (Refer to last week’s article for some direction on authentic relating.)
Maturity – Living in an adult-size body doesn’t have much to do with maturity. Relationships can be great facilitators of growing up (which, by the way, doesn’t mean being serious, rigid, or boring). A commitment to maturity in a relationship might mean that both parties endeavor to show up as responsible adults; doing our best not to let our inner child run us (and being honest about when it is); not blaming the other for our own stuff; not playing parent to our partner; being transparent, brave, and communicative.
Integrity – In a relationship of integrity, we aim to keep our agreements with ourselves and our partner. We are consistent. We are trustworthy. We strive to maintain harmony between who we are and who we say we want to be. Finally, we do these things not out of a feeling of obligation but with a spirit of rising to the occasion.
I hope this article has given you some ideas of the sorts of qualities you wish to commit to in current or future relationships. I can barely imagine the great ways the world would change if we all made such conscious commitments.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Relationship Repair Part Three: Choose Qualities to Commit To
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Last week I discussed our tendency to get attached to a single point of view, and how this often keeps us stuck. When we recognize the validity of other perspectives – and allow that both sides are within us (and also in our adversaries, be they real or imaginary) – this helps to neutralize the issue. For a deeper and more thorough exploration, we can look at the two sides of an issue intersected with the push and pull of desire and fear (or attraction and repulsion). It’s a process Leslie Temple Thurston simply calls “squares.”
Here are some examples. If you find them challenging, I encourage you to work through them. If not, I hope they help you understand how the exercise works and lead you to the patterns that are relevant to you.
In this first example, we’re looking at the intersection of desire and fear with that of being in control versus out of control. Wanting control is a primary human motivator. A great many of our upsets can be traced to an underlying fear of being out of control. But pursuing control may amplify the belief that we’re not in control. This can be a tricky catch-22 to work with. So if you have a strong desire to be in control (upper right quadrant), you’d do well to address yourself to the fear of being out of control (lower left). These are easy for most people to access.
Can you think of a situation that arouses the fear of being out of control? Holding that in mind, what happens in your body? Can you feel some physical unease? What happens if you don’t resist that feeling? What happens if you even invite it to be felt with your whole being, willingly allowing it spread over you? And what happens when you imagine opening yourself, like opening a closed fist that contains a butterfly, and let it peacefully depart? If this process diminished the intensity of the feeling, but not completely, try doing it several times in succession. For more on this form of body-centered releasing, check out our book, Freedom.
Less obvious – but not uncommon – is the fear of being in control (lower right quadrant). If you’re in control, does that mean whatever happens is your fault? Maybe being in control feels like too much responsibility. If control issues are significant for you, I encourage you to do the process described in the last paragraph with the idea of situation in which you are in control. What comes up?
Last, there’s the desire to be out of control (lower left quadrant). Though this may seem totally foreign to someone who’s rigidly clenching around every aspect of life, there’s always a hidden part that yearns for the relief of being out of control. Anyone who’s ever been to a college party at the end of finals has witnessed plenty of desire to be out of control.
Try visiting with all four quadrants and journaling about how each state exists in you. You might also have fun with the following variation – desire and fear of independence versus dependence.
This is a major dynamic in kids and adolescents, and it’s not helped by the fact that parents often give mixed messages. On the one hand, we may be telling our kids to stay attached to the family, don’t try to get your needs met by your inept peers, and keep coming to us for support and advice. On the other, we’re telling them to grow up, do more things for themselves, get themselves ready for school, figure out their homework, and navigate new situations with minimal guidance. When we see them shifting their attachment from the family to their peers, we often mistake this for independence, when they’ve actually become dependent on peers for approval and direction.
It's probably easy for them to access the desire to be independent, even if it’s scary, because our society puts so much value on it. If we can help them recognize the other three quadrants, it may help to neutralize some of the inner and outer forces, and allow them to be accepting of where they are and comfortable with striking a balance.
Of course these dynamics don’t necessarily end when adolescence does. We may find ourselves struggling with the dimensions of dependence and independence in our adult relationships, and when handicapped, ill, or elderly. Exploration and peacemaking with these states may support a peaceful resolution.
Be well,
Peter
P.S. If you find this exploration interesting, perhaps you’d enjoy guiding others through processes like these. Check out the Dragontree Coaching Program. In the advanced Illuminator training, we go even deeper into these processes.
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