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Happy Birthday, Briana!

June 22nd is my wife Briana’s birthday. She’s the Dragontree’s founder and fearless leader. On the way to art school at age 18, she was in a car accident and… Read More

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It’s about discovering your core values. It’s easy to skip it. I know you could go through life only rarely, if ever, giving a thought to your core values. Or you could complete this part – choosing some appealing words from our list of suggestions, such as kindness, honesty, openness and love – and then quickly forget what you chose and why. But what if we called them needs instead? What if I said, virtually everything you do is motivated by an attempt to get one or more of these values / needs met, and the same is true for everyone else? How might your communications be different if you could perceive the core values that are driving you and others? A lot changes when we understand the underlying needs that move us, especially when we’re in conflict. For instance, the other day I was on the phone with a company that had really under-delivered on the large sum we paid for their services. I found myself getting angry and raising my voice even though I realized that the agent I was speaking with probably had nothing to do with it. As I tuned in to figure out the underlying need that was pushing me, I realized it was fairness. Just to name it out loud felt better. “This isn’t fair,” I said. “It was reasonable to expect your company would do . . . but you didn’t, and then you still charged us the full amount.” When we hit upon the value at the root of some conflict, we often feel more grounded in the situation – even if the circumstances don’t change. Here are five reasons why: First, if we’re unaware of the core need behind our upset, we’re usually run instead by our feelings and the belief that things aren’t going our way. As soon as we see the need, there’s clarity: “Ah. This is what I value. This is what’s really driving me.” Second, when we discover the underlying need and recognize that it’s a value, it’s easy to expand from “I want this for me” to “I want this for everyone.” This gives us perspective that lifts us out of the small feelings that are often engendered by the involvement of our inner child. With regard to fairness, the inner child of course understands “no fair!” from a self-centered point of view, but the mature inner adult grasps big picture fairness in a way that goes beyond one’s personal wants. Third, it makes us more effective at getting another person to see our point of view when we know the core value that’s inspiring us. Fourth, we can make rational, direct requests to achieve resolution because we know what we’re aiming for. Fifth, when we know the need, we can almost always find more than one way to get it met. I encourage you to consider this perspective when you’re working on the Core Values section of your Dreambook. If you’re having trouble, consider something you feel strongly about and ask yourself, “What would I get out of this?” Keep asking until you get to a refined, one word answer. If you have about a situation like mine that you feel unsettled about, ask yourself, “What could have been done to resolve this or make it better?” And then ask yourself, “Why would that be better? What would I have?” Also look at positive motivations. For example: Why do I like running? It keeps me healthy. What else? I release stress. I feel free. I feel strong. I feel connected to my higher self. These are great ways to home in on underlying values. Besides the list of sample core values in the Dreambook, consider these others: Peace. Security. Choice. Freedom. Creativity. Organization. Loyalty. Cleanliness. Clarity. Ease. Justice. As you go through your day, check in a few times and see if you can discern what needs/values are currently moving you. Let’s try it right now. What motivated you to read this article? What do hope to get out of it? A feeling of peace? A feeling of achievement? Learning or greater self-awareness? Better communication and relationships? Clarity? Whatever you come up with, is that the value itself, or do you need to take it a step deeper to get to the value? I believe that when we do the work to know ourselves deeply, this not only serves us personally, our clarity also benefits the community around us. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Your Core Values: They Affect Everything You Do [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => your-core-values-they-affect-everything-you-do [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-09-29 20:35:47 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-09-29 20:35:47 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8822 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [1] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8892 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-12-09 19:07:09 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-12-09 19:07:09 [post_content] => What makes a town or city appealing to you? The architecture? The landscape? The climate? The people? The cuisine? I love traveling and I’ve given a lot of thought to why some places feel so attractive to me and others don’t. My favorite towns have all these ingredients plus another: they’re full of small businesses. Strolling the winding streets of Madrid, Pearl Street in Boulder, Hawthorne in Portland, Le Plateau in Montreal, and the downtowns of virtually all cool cities and towns, you’ll pass locally owned flower shops, unique restaurants, art galleries, and, of course, spas like The Dragontree. 😉 You could blindfold me and teleport me to downtown Missoula, Northampton, San Francisco, Marblehead, or Port Townsend. I’d know immediately where I was (and I’d ask to stay for a while). Drop me in a sea of Target, Walmart, Starbucks, Best Buy and giant parking lots, and I could be anywhere (but nowhere I’d want to live). Any sense of home or connection is greatly diminished when a region’s commerce is dominated by giant chains. Small businesses make towns special. They give a community character and make the patron feel connected to the proprietor. They’re also important avenues for other small businesses – like artists, hair stylists, bakers – to do their craft and get compensated well for it. So if you want to help preserve the specialness of a place, if you want your downtown to stay cool and vibrant, patronize its small businesses! Let’s all make a deal to do all our holiday shopping at small businesses this year! It’s a gift not just to the recipient but also to the small business owner and employees and the community it resides in. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Think Small This Holiday Season [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => think-small-this-holiday-season [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-12-09 19:07:09 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-12-09 19:07:09 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8892 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 1 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) [2] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8548 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-03-06 06:00:06 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-03-06 06:00:06 [post_content] => One of the main ways that we get stuck or fail to reach our potential is through persistent psychological patterns. Some would say they’re not just psychological, but psycho-spiritual, or even karmic. Perhaps they’re an expression of what are called samskaras in Vedic thought – ruts or imprints that we’re prone to fall into over and over. The tendency to think and act in a certain way can be difficult to break, even if we know it’s not serving us. Often these patterns are founded in stories and beliefs in which we have a one-sided view, and the single-sidedness gives them a stronger charge that tends to make them more enduring. Here are some examples: I am a victim. I mess everything up. I never have enough money. People are selfish. I’m not disciplined enough to live to my potential. Happiness doesn’t last. Life is scary. Part of why these stories won’t die is because of our inability to see more than one perspective. Often we put ourselves in a certain role, with the opposing role played (usually in our mind) by some adversary, which could be a parent, partner, enemy, God, the whole world, some imagined “lucky person,” or even another aspect of ourselves. We can get invested in playing the bad guy, the hero, the spiritual one, the rebel, the starving artist, or the martyr. This may cause us to suppress aspects of ourselves that don’t align with this role, which serves to perpetuate the one-sidedness of our position. The exaggerated dynamic it sets up is like sitting at the outermost point on a seesaw; we’re bound to get carried way up and down by our emotions. Coming from a Chinese Medicine background, I’m inclined to see this condition as an imbalance of yin and yang. It’s a denial of our wholeness and a limitation on our health and power. Recognizing that we contain both sides of each coin is important and useful work, and it’s a primary theme in many healing modalities. It’s part of the integration of our shadow aspect (a term coined by Carl Jung to describe the parts of ourselves we deny, suppress, or are unconscious of). It’s an essential part of The Work developed by Byron Katie for challenging our thoughts. This process consists of asking questions to determine whether a given thought is true and how you’re affected by believing it, after which you “turn it around” to see how opposing viewpoints are equally true. For users of our body-centered releasing workbook, Freedom, we recommend taking a charged issue or scenario and, after working on it with your usual position, see what comes up when you “try on” the opposing position. Releasing the pattern from both sides promotes a more complete resolution. Similarly, Leslie Temple Thurston teaches that when we identify the polarized aspects of our stories and then figure out what their opposites are, we discover that both sides are within us (and our adversaries). This recognition shifts our position from the outermost edge of the seesaw to the center fulcrum – what Temple Thurston calls the neutral witness state – and the story falls apart. To take this deeper, we can examine the interaction of two sets of opposing charges, which creates four perspectives. Temple Thurston calls this working with “squares.” The mind is rarely in the throes of just one duality. Beyond the charge of the two sides of a story, there is an additional dimension of polarization which is the basic push-pull of attraction and repulsion, also experienced as like/dislike, desire/fear, or attachment/rejection. By examining a pattern through all four sides of these interacting charges, we can achieve an even more complete neutralization.

I’ve depicted the basic format in this graphic. Take one duality, which I refer to as yin and yang here, and cross it with the duality of desire/fear to produce four states. Here I refer to the states as desire for yin, desire for yang, fear of yin, and fear of yang. This will all make more sense when we plug in an example to replace yin and yang here:

We all contain the four aspects shown in this square. Typically there are two that are easy to relate to, while the others may be trickier to access. In this example we’re looking at the qualities of the self that we consider acceptable and openly express (our light) and those we keep hidden (our shadow). When crossed with the duality of attraction/aversion, we get four states. The first two are attraction to our light (upper right) and aversion to our shadow (lower left). These are easy enough to recognize since that’s exactly the dynamic that sets up the light/shadow split in the first place. Finding the other two qualities in ourselves may require looking a little deeper. At the upper left is attraction to our shadow. This can happen inadvertently as a result of the pressure buildup caused by suppressing it. Our shadow may seem dangerous and forbidden, and we may unleash it to defuse the inner charge of disapproval and rebellion. We may find ourselves expressing it in ways that are painful to us or others, and our regret about doing so may reinforce the urge to suppress it. It’s important to point out, however, that the parts of ourselves we keep sequestered in the shadows aren’t necessarily socially unacceptable. They may in fact be virtuous qualities that we’re simply uncomfortable with. Attraction to our shadow may also occur in a healthy way as we endeavor to be integrated and self-realized beings, in which case we want to know all that we are and to consciously choose which aspects to express. The last quadrant, aversion to our light, is what Marianne Williamson is speaking to in her famous quote: “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.” Why do we fear our own light? Perhaps we’re afraid of everyone noticing us. Maybe we believe that if we shine, we’ll then do something to let everyone down. If we embrace our light, maybe we believe we’d outshine others. Possibly we don’t believe our light is even real. How can we employ this exercise in a useful way? Start by taking a quality you seem to have an obvious desire for or aversion to. For example: desire to be powerful, desire to be happy, desire to be wealthy, fear of being alone, aversion to being sick, aversion to exercise. This quality and its opposite will form the two ends of the horizontal x-axis. Then the vertical y-axis will have desire, attraction, or wanting at the top and aversion, rejection, fear, or repulsion at the bottom. Fill in the four quadrants so that each of the x-axis qualities gets paired with each of the y-axis dynamics. Then spend some time feeling into each of the four resulting states. Journal about how each state is within you and/or use our book, Freedom, to do a body-centered releasing process on each one. It doesn’t need to take very long, but ideally should be done until you feel a sense of acceptance and a dissipation of the charge associated with the issue. Afterwards, feel into your relationship with the object of this process. What has changed? I hope this method of inquiry is beneficial to you. Feel free to share about your experience with it in the comments section. Be well, Peter [post_title] => Get Through Your Blocks By Seeing All Four Sides of the Coin [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => get-through-your-blocks-by-seeing-all-four-sides-of-the-coin [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2022-02-24 00:02:12 [post_modified_gmt] => 2022-02-24 00:02:12 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => https://thedragontree.com/?p=8548 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 4 [filter] => raw [webinar_id] => 0 ) ) [post_count] => 3 [current_post] => -1 [before_loop] => 1 [in_the_loop] => [post] => WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 8822 [post_author] => 3 [post_date] => 2022-09-29 20:00:12 [post_date_gmt] => 2022-09-29 20:00:12 [post_content] => One of my favorite sections of our Dreambook occupies only two-thirds of a page. It’s about discovering your core values. It’s easy to skip it. I know you could go through life only rarely, if ever, giving a thought to your core values. Or you could complete this part – choosing some appealing words from our list of suggestions, such as kindness, honesty, openness and love – and then quickly forget what you chose and why. But what if we called them needs instead? What if I said, virtually everything you do is motivated by an attempt to get one or more of these values / needs met, and the same is true for everyone else? How might your communications be different if you could perceive the core values that are driving you and others? A lot changes when we understand the underlying needs that move us, especially when we’re in conflict. For instance, the other day I was on the phone with a company that had really under-delivered on the large sum we paid for their services. I found myself getting angry and raising my voice even though I realized that the agent I was speaking with probably had nothing to do with it. As I tuned in to figure out the underlying need that was pushing me, I realized it was fairness. Just to name it out loud felt better. “This isn’t fair,” I said. “It was reasonable to expect your company would do . . . but you didn’t, and then you still charged us the full amount.” When we hit upon the value at the root of some conflict, we often feel more grounded in the situation – even if the circumstances don’t change. Here are five reasons why: First, if we’re unaware of the core need behind our upset, we’re usually run instead by our feelings and the belief that things aren’t going our way. As soon as we see the need, there’s clarity: “Ah. This is what I value. This is what’s really driving me.” Second, when we discover the underlying need and recognize that it’s a value, it’s easy to expand from “I want this for me” to “I want this for everyone.” This gives us perspective that lifts us out of the small feelings that are often engendered by the involvement of our inner child. With regard to fairness, the inner child of course understands “no fair!” from a self-centered point of view, but the mature inner adult grasps big picture fairness in a way that goes beyond one’s personal wants. Third, it makes us more effective at getting another person to see our point of view when we know the core value that’s inspiring us. Fourth, we can make rational, direct requests to achieve resolution because we know what we’re aiming for. Fifth, when we know the need, we can almost always find more than one way to get it met. I encourage you to consider this perspective when you’re working on the Core Values section of your Dreambook. If you’re having trouble, consider something you feel strongly about and ask yourself, “What would I get out of this?” Keep asking until you get to a refined, one word answer. If you have about a situation like mine that you feel unsettled about, ask yourself, “What could have been done to resolve this or make it better?” And then ask yourself, “Why would that be better? What would I have?” Also look at positive motivations. For example: Why do I like running? It keeps me healthy. What else? I release stress. I feel free. I feel strong. I feel connected to my higher self. These are great ways to home in on underlying values. Besides the list of sample core values in the Dreambook, consider these others: Peace. Security. Choice. Freedom. Creativity. Organization. Loyalty. Cleanliness. Clarity. Ease. Justice. As you go through your day, check in a few times and see if you can discern what needs/values are currently moving you. Let’s try it right now. What motivated you to read this article? What do hope to get out of it? A feeling of peace? A feeling of achievement? Learning or greater self-awareness? Better communication and relationships? Clarity? Whatever you come up with, is that the value itself, or do you need to take it a step deeper to get to the value? I believe that when we do the work to know ourselves deeply, this not only serves us personally, our clarity also benefits the community around us. 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