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When I first heard the term “take back your power” some decades ago, I thought it pertained mostly to relationships in which one person was overly submissive to the other. Since I didn’t seem to be in that position with anyone, I felt this wasn’t work I needed to do.
But in the years since, I’ve come to feel that power sacrifice is something we do all the time, and nearly everyone would benefit from reclaiming their power on a regular basis. As I see it, there are two main categories to power loss (though, as we’ll see, there’s quite a bit of overlap):
-
- We give power to a specific person (consciously or unconsciously).
- We ignore, deny, or fail to recognize our own power and agency (Merriam-Webster: “agency: the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power”).
Let’s look at some examples of each category.
Category one includes the types of relationships I mentioned at the beginning of the article, such as when one person seeks the other’s approval to the extent of relinquishing their own needs, preferences, self-esteem, possibly even losing their sense of self. We often dub these relationships “codependent” and the power transfer can be very obvious to an outsider.
There are many subtler forms that are trickier to recognize. For instance, it’s fine to have a leader, boss, or mentor whom we accept guidance from; this doesn’t require giving away any of your power. But it’s easy, due to the hierarchical nature of the relationship, for an unconscious power transfer to occur. (That said, it’s also possible to hold onto your own power even while, say, working for a boss who makes big demands on your time and energy.)
Another subtle form of interpersonal power transfer is something like investing your power in someone, often because they bring something positive to your life, such as stability, support, attractiveness, wise counsel, heavy lifting, or good humor. The difference between simply appreciating these qualities versus giving away your power as a secret exchange is that when they don't behave in a way that you like, it feels very upsetting – maybe to an irrational degree.
If you have our workbook, Freedom, it can be very useful for helping you feel into the difference between being in possession of your power versus having put it in someone else’s hands.
Because they have your power, it’s as if they’re breaking a deal they never agreed to. You probably didn’t mean to give away your power, nor do you even realize this has happened. All you “know” is that they should be different, and you feel justified in making their behavior your business. It’s similar to how you might feel if a company you invested in made some bad business moves – except that the company consented to the investment.
It's reasonable to expect your partner to be mature and responsible, and it’s natural to be upset if they break an agreement or cause harm. But if you have your power and they have theirs, they can be who they choose to be and do what they choose to do, and it feels clean. You may disagree and have emotions about it, but you can work through it in a level-headed way that’s founded on reverence for each party’s agency and your mutual choice to be together.
Whenever you find yourself intensely upset by someone’s behavior, I suggest you let it trigger a quick “power check.” Who has your power? Are you allowing the other person’s behavior to dictate whether you’re peaceful, centered, and happy? Perhaps you’ve unintentionally given them some of your power.
Giving away your power doesn’t make you stupid or naïve. It's absolutely natural, especially given our childhood of utter dependence on others. Much of the time we give our power away through a totally benevolent impulse to help or share. But it's worth developing an awareness of the difference between helping someone and giving them what’s yours.
And here we come to an important principle: your power is your power. You can't give it to someone else in a way that's truly good for them or you. If anything, giving others your power is an infringement on them and a weight on the relationship.
Next time we’ll look at ways to take back your power and return others’ power to them. And we’ll also explore that second way we give away our power.
Have you ever had an experience of giving away your power? Did you reclaim it? Has this article made you aware of a situation in which you might be leaking power? Please share with the community in the comments section below.
Be well,
Peter
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There’s a well-known spiritual quote from philosopher and teacher Jiddhu Krishnamurti. The story goes that he was speaking to a group of students (who saw him as an enlightened master), and he whispered, “Do you want to know my secret?” At this, the room fell silent and everyone leaned forward. Then he continued, “I don’t mind what happens.”
What I like about this idea is that it’s simple; it speaks of a state of transcendence of the ego and unshakable peace. But as an expression of absolute spiritual truth, it also lends itself to spiritual bypassing and illusions about spirituality.
The tricky thing about Krishnamurti’s statement is that he was presumably speaking not from his ego but from an expanded state of consciousness, his higher Self. Thus, while not minding what happens was his outlook from this state, it’s not necessarily the path that got him there.
In Krishnamurti’s case, he went through a series of spontaneous, often painful experiences over many years that caused an opening of his consciousness. That’s not something we can replicate at will. So what can we garner from this “secret”?
It’s a good opening to a discussion on how we relate to absolute spiritual truths while existing in a world of relativity. Even among non-dual spiritual traditions (meaning, all the world is considered to be an expression of one great Being, and separation is an illusion), there is often a distinction made between the Source in an absolute sense (which is formless) and the many forms it takes in the relative world.
In the realm of the relative, which is where the majority of human minds dwell, relativity directs nearly every aspect of our lives. For instance, when we say something is good, we’re usually not coming from the experience that the universe is fundamentally Good, and therefore all of its expressions are imbued with that same essence of goodness. What we mean is that things are good relative to some other way they could be. Thus, we’re directed toward things that we perceive as better than our other options and away from things that seem worse. And absolute spiritual truths – like “the universe is fundamentally good” – are simply lofty concepts to most people. We do get glimpses of them though (as I’ve written about in my articles on “gaps” in the dominant egocentric state), and these often fuel a drive for spiritual awakening.
People who have gone through a certain form of spiritual awakening (what’s sometimes referred to as enlightenment, liberation, or moksha) often describe it as an experience of becoming perpetually conscious of the absolute. This doesn’t make the relative disappear, but the awareness of the undying oneness that unifies all apparent differences enables them to play in relativity without the “high stakes” feeling – and the anxiousness and drama that go with it – that most humans experience. This is why it’s referred to as liberation, which can be a very appealing notion to anyone who wants to be happy.
So, apparently from this state, Krishnamurti said, “I don’t mind what happens” because, in an absolute sense, nothing is ever wrong. Nor is there such a thing as tragedy or victory. To win a race just means one part of the Source crossed the finish line before another part of the same Source (or God beat God, if you prefer that name). Likewise, the death of any given expression of the Source is akin to a red blood cell dying and being recycled into a new blood cell; the Whole has lost nothing in the process.
It's important to recognize that an absolute spiritual truth is different from an uplifting life principle or a good piece of advice. If someone told you their “secret” is “Focus on the good” or “Don’t sweat the small stuff” or “Practice gratitude” or “Don’t take anything personally” you could immediately adopt it and start living it. But to a person who hasn’t realized and directly experienced it, an absolute truth isn’t actionable in the same way. And in relative terms, the absolute may make no sense at all.
Imagine that a dog is biting your leg and you think to yourself, “I’m going to be spiritual about this. What did Krishnamurti say? Oh yeah, I don’t mind what happens. I guess I’d better breathe through this. Whew, that’s a lot of blood. Do I just let him keep gnawing? I don’t mind. I don’t mind. I don’t mind. If I call 9-1-1, does that constitute “minding”?” I doubt many people would take an unrealized spiritual truth to this extent, but as you can imagine, it’s possible to get into some trouble this way.
Next week we’ll try to find the usefulness in statements of absolute truth and we’ll talk about what to do if you do mind what happens. Meanwhile, I always love to hear what readers think of these philosophical explorations.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Can We be Misguided by Spiritual Truths?
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A few weeks ago I wrote about the “gaps” in everyday reality when the spiritual dimension peeks through. Sometimes they’re so profound they change us forever. Like opening the curtains to a view of life that’s truer and freer than the story we’ve been perpetuating.
More often they’re like little moments of remembering or brief glimmers of magic. Each one might not be earth-shaking, but when invited to come more often and to stay for longer, they begin to open us in a lasting way. By this I mean we expand into a sense of self that’s bigger than this personality and its circumstances.
Why would someone want this? Some people want it because they’re driven to know the truth. Others want it because it tends to translate to qualities of freedom and peace that are unattainable through “ordinary” means. Usually we think of peace as a condition that results from all circumstances being in relative harmony, and we think of freedom as a condition of certain liberties ensured by our government. But this peace and freedom are present regardless of our circumstances.
There are many ways to facilitate this process. Here are a few:
- Stay in the present moment. These gaps don’t happen in the past or the future, they always happen now, so we must be dwelling in the present in order to experience them. Be a willing participant in whatever is happening right now. Stay here with your whole being, as often as you can muster.
- Expect magic. You’re less likely to notice something you aren’t expecting (and even less likely to notice something you don’t believe it). If you expect magic, you’ll discover magic. What qualifies as magic? Virtually everything, if you’re fully open and present to it, holds awe-inspiring magic. Science and spirit both. When you expect magic, it’s not like magical things start popping up everywhere. The magical things already are everywhere; the difference is your clouded lens clears up and you see it.
- When you experience a “gap” or some magic, trust it. Don’t grasp at it. Don’t rush to write or talk about it. Don’t reach for your phone. If you feel yourself yearning to latch onto something habitual, just notice that squirming feeling inside you that wants the comfort of routine (even though it pales in comparison to this). Breathe and stay with it. Say “yes” to it with your whole being.
- Approach life with humility and innocence. Don’t assume anything. Drop your preconceptions and labels. See, hear, and feel the aspects of life that you’re not usually drawn to. Notice the spaces between the objects you usually focus on. What’s happening in the background? And how about the background behind the background?
- Take our course, Sacred Expansion. It starts on May 3rd and the purpose is to guide participants to discover what’s keeping you blocked or confined and help you expand into who you really are. Laura, a past participant, had this to say about her experience in the course: Sacred expansion truly changed my life. I was finally able to see me and begin the process of releasing the layers of ego identities and belief systems that were limiting my growth. People say I am like a different person now versus then. However, I liken it to my being myself without the encumbrances I was carrying that were not me. Click here for more information.
When we started the Dragontree, our mission was (and still is) to help people find peace. Back then it was mainly through massage, acupuncture, and healthy living. Over the years we’ve increasingly focused on guiding people to peace by helping them expand beyond their “small self.” I hope these suggestions help you do that.
Be well,
Peter
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When I first heard the term “take back your power” some decades ago, I thought it pertained mostly to relationships in which one person was overly submissive to the other. Since I didn’t seem to be in that position with anyone, I felt this wasn’t work I needed to do.
But in the years since, I’ve come to feel that power sacrifice is something we do all the time, and nearly everyone would benefit from reclaiming their power on a regular basis. As I see it, there are two main categories to power loss (though, as we’ll see, there’s quite a bit of overlap):
-
- We give power to a specific person (consciously or unconsciously).
- We ignore, deny, or fail to recognize our own power and agency (Merriam-Webster: “agency: the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power”).
Let’s look at some examples of each category.
Category one includes the types of relationships I mentioned at the beginning of the article, such as when one person seeks the other’s approval to the extent of relinquishing their own needs, preferences, self-esteem, possibly even losing their sense of self. We often dub these relationships “codependent” and the power transfer can be very obvious to an outsider.
There are many subtler forms that are trickier to recognize. For instance, it’s fine to have a leader, boss, or mentor whom we accept guidance from; this doesn’t require giving away any of your power. But it’s easy, due to the hierarchical nature of the relationship, for an unconscious power transfer to occur. (That said, it’s also possible to hold onto your own power even while, say, working for a boss who makes big demands on your time and energy.)
Another subtle form of interpersonal power transfer is something like investing your power in someone, often because they bring something positive to your life, such as stability, support, attractiveness, wise counsel, heavy lifting, or good humor. The difference between simply appreciating these qualities versus giving away your power as a secret exchange is that when they don't behave in a way that you like, it feels very upsetting – maybe to an irrational degree.
If you have our workbook, Freedom, it can be very useful for helping you feel into the difference between being in possession of your power versus having put it in someone else’s hands.
Because they have your power, it’s as if they’re breaking a deal they never agreed to. You probably didn’t mean to give away your power, nor do you even realize this has happened. All you “know” is that they should be different, and you feel justified in making their behavior your business. It’s similar to how you might feel if a company you invested in made some bad business moves – except that the company consented to the investment.
It's reasonable to expect your partner to be mature and responsible, and it’s natural to be upset if they break an agreement or cause harm. But if you have your power and they have theirs, they can be who they choose to be and do what they choose to do, and it feels clean. You may disagree and have emotions about it, but you can work through it in a level-headed way that’s founded on reverence for each party’s agency and your mutual choice to be together.
Whenever you find yourself intensely upset by someone’s behavior, I suggest you let it trigger a quick “power check.” Who has your power? Are you allowing the other person’s behavior to dictate whether you’re peaceful, centered, and happy? Perhaps you’ve unintentionally given them some of your power.
Giving away your power doesn’t make you stupid or naïve. It's absolutely natural, especially given our childhood of utter dependence on others. Much of the time we give our power away through a totally benevolent impulse to help or share. But it's worth developing an awareness of the difference between helping someone and giving them what’s yours.
And here we come to an important principle: your power is your power. You can't give it to someone else in a way that's truly good for them or you. If anything, giving others your power is an infringement on them and a weight on the relationship.
Next time we’ll look at ways to take back your power and return others’ power to them. And we’ll also explore that second way we give away our power.
Have you ever had an experience of giving away your power? Did you reclaim it? Has this article made you aware of a situation in which you might be leaking power? Please share with the community in the comments section below.
Be well,
Peter
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