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Two weeks ago I wrote about ways to ensure success with your resolutions. This week I want to look at ways to think differently about resolutions.
The previous article was focused mainly on resolutions that involve doing something new or different – achieving goals with work or money, exercising regularly, creating art, etc. Now I want to explore resolutions that focus on who you want to be.
First, to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing abundance and personal excellence. It’s probably worthwhile to avoid getting attached to the money and possessions you acquire or becoming overly identified with your achievements, but these pursuits, especially if they serve a higher cause, provide satisfaction and support happiness. And of course, what you do also demonstrates and reinforces who you are.
But external forms of achievement can’t satisfy us forever. Eventually we must respond to the prompting of our souls – to stretch and expand, to be an ever-greater expression of our divine potential.
In some ways, as we get older it’s simply not possible to do better than before – to play a better game of tennis, to have more sales, or to get more done in a day – but we can always be better.
By “being better” I don’t mean to trigger any stories of “not good enough” or to feed the ego’s attachment to some meaningless measure of superiority. By betterment, I mean more fully embodying our virtues. I mean consciously choosing what kind of person we want to be and being that person.
Here are some examples of being a better version of ourselves:
- Being present to the here-and-now for as much of our waking life as possible.
- Listening and holding space for others.
- Accepting each moment gracefully.
- Being more forgiving.
- Letting go more readily.
- Embodying peace.
- Treating ourselves and others with benevolence.
- Speaking the truth – when kind and necessary, with purpose, and when it improves upon the silence.
- Being generous and helpful.
- Being an enhancement to our environment.
- Living in a way that is harmonious with nature.
- Being a clearer channel for Love.
Obviously, there’s some doing involved in that list, but the being has to come first.
Who do you choose to be? I always enjoy hearing from you.
Love,
Peter
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There was a lot of interest in the article I wrote last month called “How to Bounce Forward from Adversity” in which I discussed positive psychology. Whereas traditional psychology has focused primarily on helping unwell individuals to get to a state of normal functioning, positive psychology explores how we can go beyond “normal” to optimize wellbeing and life satisfaction.
Today I’m going to share some of the most effective ways to do this. The core elements come from Martin Seligman, sometimes considered the founder positive psychology. Seligman is known for the PERMA model of wellbeing, which stands for: Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Achievement. We’ll look at these and some valuable additions from other psychologists.
Positive Emotions: This is as much a measure of optimal wellbeing as it is a means. Seligman emphasizes that seeking positive emotions alone isn’t especially effective, but that fully experiencing positive emotions is vital.
If positive emotions aren’t a prominent part of your psychological landscape, it’s worth looking and feeling into why. I believe positive emotions are part of our native state as humans, an expression of fundamental wellbeing, regardless of circumstances such as socioeconomic status. When they’re not naturally present, this tends to signal that there’s something in the way – such as limiting beliefs about one’s ability or deserving of happiness. We can change this.
Engagement: Having a sense of engagement, in which we may lose track of time and become completely absorbed in something we enjoy and excel at, is an important piece of wellbeing. It’s hard to have a developed sense of wellbeing if you are not truly engaged in anything you do
Psychologists Fred Bryant and Joseph Veroff build on these first two methods through their model of positive experience called Savoring. Here’s how to savor fully and get the most out of your positive experiences:
- Sharing: find other people to share the experience and tell them how much you value it. According to Black Dog Institute, this is the strongest predictor of the level of someone’ pleasure.
- Memory building: do things to crystalize and save the moment, such as intentionally take mental photographs, keeping a souvenir of the event, and reminiscing about it later with others.
- Self-congratulation: this is a hard one for many of us because it entails telling yourself what a good person you are and remembering everything you’ve done to get yourself to this point in your life.
- Sharpening perception: this is practice to encourage the imprinting of the experience in your consciousness. Pay close attention and try focusing on certain elements and blocking out others, like closing your eyes while listening to music.
- Absorption: allow yourself to become totally immersed, not thinking, just experiencing fully
Relationships: Study after study has shown that healthy relationships are the single most significant predictor of happiness and longevity. We are social creatures and our connections with others help us flourish. They give us opportunities to share, to help, to be heard, to be witnessed, to touch, to laugh, to be co-inspired. I have a homework assignment for you. Today I want you to call or visit someone you haven’t been in contact with for a while. Both of you will benefit from this.
Meaning: There are plenty of ways to experience positive emotions and good connections without meaning, but for most of us, especially as we get older, this factor starts to matter more. Sometimes we can even have a “meaningless crisis” where we suddenly feel that nothing in our life has real significance. If we’ve spent the last decade getting stoned and playing video games, maybe such a realization is pointing to a need for some changes. But for most people, it’s a matter of attitude adjustment more than a life overhaul.
For instance, doing the core values, gifts, and life purpose work in our Dreambook can help you get aligned with your meaning, which you then bring into whatever you do. An early mentor of mine, Matt Garrigan, used to say, “Life is meaningless. You add the meaning.” While that might sound kind of fatalistic, he meant it to be liberating. It underscores the power to choose our perspective.
Dr. Amy Wrzesniewski of Yale University writes about the distinctions between relating to your work as a job (you see your work as a means of income, a necessity), a career (you take a certain pride in what you do and hope to advance and succeed at it), or a calling (your work is a central, meaningful part of life and who you are, a forum for self-expression and gratification). These three orientations represent degrees of meaning, and a spectrum of overall life satisfaction. Being dedicated to something bigger than oneself brings to a special kind of fulfillment. Incidentally, Wrzesniewski emphasizes that the job itself is irrelevant to one’s orientation toward it. You could approach trash collection as a calling.
Achievement: In a world that sometimes hyper-focuses on achievement as the sole measure of a person’s worth, it’s easy to get the wrong idea about it and find ourselves unable to relax and play. But we need to strike a balance because accomplishing things, even small things, is essential to authentic wellbeing.
When we set out to do something and follow it through to completion we build confidence and self-trust, and it reinforces the feeling that we have some control over the trajectory of our work and overall life, which is another factor that yields greater wellbeing.
Play: Being able to play – doing something for no outcome other than play itself – is one I’d add to this list. Here’s an excerpt on play from our book, The Well Life:
George Bernard Shaw said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” We know it’s hard to schedule time just for enjoyment, but play is important stuff. Playing and laughing are good for our cardiovascular health. They foster bonding with our family and friends. They’re relaxing. They promote development of social skills. They’re uplifting. They teach us cooperation. They help us learn to manage our emotions. They improve brain function, learning, and cognition. They relieve stress. They enhance healing. They stimulate creativity and problem solving. They keep us feeling youthful. Unfortunately, we tend to save playtime for after everything else is done. But it shouldn’t be seen as just a reward. Play is therapeutic.
Finally, one more that numerous others have added to PERMA is Vitality. Physical vitality and psychological wellness are interdependent. That’s not to say you can’t have one without the other, but many physical health factors such as high energy, good digestion, restful sleep, and adequate strength often translate to a better ability to do the other things on the list, as well as supporting a clear and open mind.
I encourage you to go through this list and choose one factor to dedicate yourself this coming week – ideally one that could use some attention. Set an intention to work on it each day, and write it down. At the end of each day, take a few minutes to reflect on (and, better yet, journal about) how this affected you.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Use Positive Psychology to Get Happier and More Fulfilled
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As 2022 approaches, perhaps your mind has been on certain lifestyle changes you plan to make or some goals you intend to achieve over the next year. It’s important to be able to see where you want to go or who you want to be, and to project yourself toward that evolution. Yet, it’s common to make a resolution, experience some initial excitement, and eventually revert to old habits. So let’s explore some common hurdles and strategies for success.
First, there’s the challenge of structure. Without a plan, most resolutions are doomed to fail. If you use our Dreambook, we lay out the steps clearly there. For those who don’t have it, I’ll share some key principles.
Before launching the plan, a goal should be dissected into all of the simplest, actionable tasks involved. These will go into your calendar with a specific date and time (and an end time). When it’s time to do one of these tasks, there should be no need to figure out what it entails. Then treat it like you would a meeting with a respected client or a medical appointment that has a no-show fee – i.e., non-negotiable.
Even if your resolution is a lifestyle change that’s the goal in itself – such as eating healthier, meditating daily, or exercising – it’s still useful to have a plan so that you know exactly how you’ll make it a reality. For instance, resolving “I’m going to meditate every day in 2022” is great. But as soon as the first busy day of the year comes, if you haven’t already determined when, where, and how that meditation will occur, before you know it you’ll realize you missed a day (or a month). Get the details worked out beforehand.
Second, it’s easy to make a resolution without putting much intention – i.e., personal power – behind it, and the result is usually disappointing. It’s beneficial, if you really want the resolution to take, to create some sort of ritual around launching it. (This, too, we cover in greater detail in the Dreambook.) I know it just seems like an extra step, but you won’t regret it.
Here are some ideas. First, write down the resolution as clearly as possible, in strong, positive language. Do something special (candles, music, dance, unique clothing, deep breathing, being in nature, etc.) to get yourself into a non-ordinary state. Focus your energy. Read the words you’ve chosen – out loud – so you can hear yourself stating what you are going to do. Visualize the resolution happening in your life, feeling how it will feel. You could even imagine looking back a year from now and feeling proud of yourself for having followed through and delighted by the results of your commitment. Consider all the ways in which this resolution will support your highest good and the highest good of others in your life. Choose to honor the power of your word.
Third, add ritual to the tasks or practices themselves. The more special you make it, the more likely you are to feel satisfied by it, which helps to heighten the benefit and reinforce its permanency. Make it easy to do it by having all the necessary resources at the ready. Make it something you look forward to by adding elements of sweetness to it (we go deeply into this concept in our audiobook The Well Life). Turning it into a ritual adds depth to it, so it’s not just a mechanical task but a meaningful anchor point.
Fourth, keep choosing the right attitude. Your aspirations deserve an appropriate measure of reverence. As much as we may try, it’s not really possible to fool ourselves when it comes to the spirit of our participation.
You’ve already chosen what you’re going to do. You can either follow through on your choice or not. If you don’t, you’ll notice you didn’t honor an agreement with yourself and this may hurt your self-trust. If you do follow through, you can do it enthusiastically – like you love yourself, like you want this, like your life is a gift – or you can do it grudgingly, like attending a party when you wish you were home watching Netflix. This, too, you’ll notice. It’s an unspoken communication from you to you. Remember to re-read your original intention on a regular basis – with feeling. It’s significant.
I hope these suggestions help you make positive changes that improve your life and the lives around you.
Love,
Peter
[post_title] => How to Make Your Resolutions More Effective
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Two weeks ago I wrote about ways to ensure success with your resolutions. This week I want to look at ways to think differently about resolutions.
The previous article was focused mainly on resolutions that involve doing something new or different – achieving goals with work or money, exercising regularly, creating art, etc. Now I want to explore resolutions that focus on who you want to be.
First, to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing abundance and personal excellence. It’s probably worthwhile to avoid getting attached to the money and possessions you acquire or becoming overly identified with your achievements, but these pursuits, especially if they serve a higher cause, provide satisfaction and support happiness. And of course, what you do also demonstrates and reinforces who you are.
But external forms of achievement can’t satisfy us forever. Eventually we must respond to the prompting of our souls – to stretch and expand, to be an ever-greater expression of our divine potential.
In some ways, as we get older it’s simply not possible to do better than before – to play a better game of tennis, to have more sales, or to get more done in a day – but we can always be better.
By “being better” I don’t mean to trigger any stories of “not good enough” or to feed the ego’s attachment to some meaningless measure of superiority. By betterment, I mean more fully embodying our virtues. I mean consciously choosing what kind of person we want to be and being that person.
Here are some examples of being a better version of ourselves:
- Being present to the here-and-now for as much of our waking life as possible.
- Listening and holding space for others.
- Accepting each moment gracefully.
- Being more forgiving.
- Letting go more readily.
- Embodying peace.
- Treating ourselves and others with benevolence.
- Speaking the truth – when kind and necessary, with purpose, and when it improves upon the silence.
- Being generous and helpful.
- Being an enhancement to our environment.
- Living in a way that is harmonious with nature.
- Being a clearer channel for Love.
Obviously, there’s some doing involved in that list, but the being has to come first.
Who do you choose to be? I always enjoy hearing from you.
Love,
Peter
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