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As a young adult living in Western Massachusetts, I had a handful of friends who attended Hampshire College. Hampshire is well known for being highly unconventional. There are no majors, no departments, and no grades. So much of the program is up to the student, including a final yearlong project. I could see why it was appealing, especially to people who didn’t seem to fit into typical academic institutions.
When I first heard these friends talk of the wonderfully freeform nature of their college experience, I was envious. In later years, as they found it increasingly challenging to keep themselves on course, I remember saying, “That kind of program wouldn’t work for me.” I realized, with no shame at all, that I needed way (way) more hand-holding. Only one of my Hampshire friends graduated. I guess they needed more hand-holding too.
There are a number of reasons we avoid getting help or taking direction:
- We’re too proud to admit we need help.
- We’re afraid of opening up, being vulnerable, or appearing weak.
- We think nobody is capable of helping us.
- We don’t want to be controlled or guided in a way we don’t like.
- We don’t want to be told what to do.
- We don’t want to be a burden.
- We don’t want to share the credit.
- We feel it’s less of an accomplishment if we get help.
- We believe we need to do things all by ourselves.
This last one is a common inherited belief, though nearly every impressive historical figure had a team of supporters. Yes, there’s a grain of truth to it: each of us is responsible for ourselves, our choices and actions. Each of us is responsible for how we show up in the world. Nobody can do the internal work for us. But it’s perfectly okay to get tons of help along the way. It doesn’t diminish the outcome. In fact, we connect and improve through the process when we let others in. This is true even when it comes to healing and spirituality. It’s time to let go of the “Lone Ranger complex.”
Guidance and mutual support are an important part of why our program, Sacred Expansion, has been so successful. We created Sacred Expansion as a prerequisite for our life coaching trainees, as we feel it’s important to “clean house” before guiding others. It was designed to help people get to know themselves more deeply, release old unhealthy patterns, and open to a state of greater intuition and trust – all within a group of others on the same journey.
It turned out to be so monumental for our early participants that we decided to make Sacred Expansion available as a stand-alone course. Enrollment is happening NOW! You’ll be lovingly led by my wife, Briana, through an exploration of yourself through the metaphors of the seasons. And you’ll come out of it with greater clarity and self-awareness, less baggage, a deeper connection to Spirit, and the tools to continue the process on your own. I encourage you to do it!
Also, I recommend you look back at that list of reasons we avoid getting help and see if there are any that ring a bell for you. If so, consider the following questions. Is this belief true? (E.g., Is it true that nobody could help me? Is it true that if I asked for help, it would compromise me in some critical way? Is it true that it’s less of an accomplishment if I get help?) And then meditate on what life might be like if you felt completely at ease and unembarrassed about asking for help and graciously receiving it?
Be well,
Peter
P.S. Early Bird pricing for Sacred Expansion is currently in progress. Sign up today and save $200! On August 17th, the price goes up, so if you want to join us, don't miss this opportunity!
Click here to enroll today!
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Last week I shared a quote from spiritual teacher Jiddu Krishnamurti: “Do you want to know my secret? I don’t mind what happens.” Then we looked at the differences between an absolute spiritual truth and the relative perspective of most humans. When we encounter an absolute view that we haven’t personally realized and experienced, sometimes it doesn’t make sense or it even has the opposite effect of what was intended.
If we imagine “I don’t mind what happens” to mean “nothing bothers me,” this contradicts most people’s daily experience. But it fits right in with a common perception when we’re evolved or enlightened we’ll be imperturbable. So, without having realized the absolute truth, we might apply it to our relative experience in a way that amounts to denying our humanity.
Buddhist psychologist and author, John Welwood, who coined the term “spiritual bypass,” explained that we have a tendency to use absolute truths of spirituality to dismiss “relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits.” He believed we need to recognize “two different tracks of human development— which we might call growing up and waking up, healing and awakening, or becoming a genuine human person and going beyond the person altogether.”1 Thus, it’s possible to resolve all our psychological problems without achieving a spiritual awakening, and it’s possible to wake up spiritually and still have a highly dysfunctional personality.
So, what is the place of such statements of absolute spiritual truth? In my opinion it’s still useful to expose ourselves to them. We shouldn’t confuse the destination with the path, and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be able to embody them at will. But they can still serve as a messenger to the soul. When we encounter a statement like, “I don’t mind what happens,” perhaps it’s like a key that unlocks something within us. Maybe it stirs a place in us that remembers this, beneath the slumbering mind, and begins to initiate an unraveling of what has caused us to forget. Perhaps it inspires us to understand what this means, to experience it directly for ourselves. Perhaps it makes us ask, “What would my life be like if this were true for me?”
Meanwhile, what can you do when you find ourselves minding what happens? You’re in good company. Virtually everyone in the world has times when they mind what’s happening. People in pain, people who are afraid, people who are lonely or grieving, people who can’t fall asleep, people witnessing violence or injustice . . . most of them mind what’s happening. So here are some options.
Option one is to suffer. Highly unpleasant but very popular.
Option two is to change something external. Sometimes this is possible and useful, other times it isn’t. If you mind that you’re getting bitten by mosquitos, you could put on bug spray. If, on the other hand, you mind that your government is corrupt, you may not be in a position to significantly improve it, especially if you have a busy life and don’t plant to change careers.
This is where the famous Serenity Prayer by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr is useful – “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” If you can recognize what cannot be changed by you, it may be easier to let go of the belief that they are your business. If you’re not currently engaged with it, don’t mind it. That is, don’t give your mind to it.
Option three is to change something internal. There are several sub-options here. The first is to deny that you mind what you mind. The main way we do this is through willful ignorance. We often employ willful ignorance as a coping mechanism simply because we can’t take care of all the things that concern us in the world.
For instance, I have a 60-year-old truck that I take out occasionally to get bales of hay for our alpacas, and the exhaust stinks. I know I’m putting carbon emissions into the atmosphere, and I haven’t yet found a way to fix it. So I have to put it out of my mind (i.e., willfully become ignorant of how I am contributing to climate change) in order to lessen the amount of guilt I feel about it. It’s a mediocre way of dealing with minding what happens.
Another way to deny that you mind what’s happening is through spiritual bypass. That is, you employ a spiritual ideal you haven’t actually achieved as a way of falsely transcending your issues. Welwood explained it as using “spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
I think we can agree that denial isn’t the best answer. As a band-aid, it never truly resolves the unsettled feeling that erodes your peace and infringes on your presence.
Another way of changing something internal is to consciously, sincerely explore your relationship with what you mind. Don’t say “I don’t mind” when you do mind. Be honest with yourself. And don’t say, “I shouldn’t mind” when you do mind. Consider this alternative: I do mind, but I am determined not to argue with or depart from reality.
Here we come to what I believe Krishnamurti actually meant by “I don’t mind what happens.” I don’t believe he meant that nothing could bother him. I think he meant that, regardless of what happens, he doesn’t see reality as wrong or feel it should be different. If someone were to come at him with a knife, perhaps he would have found himself knocking the knife out of their hand. This wouldn’t mean that he “minds what happens,” only that he chose to act. Whether he acted or remained entirely passive to an attack, either one would affect the course of events, so neither constitutes “minding” more than the other.
But let’s bring this back to an application for someone who hasn’t yet realized the absolute truth of not minding what happens. First, there is a difference between minding what is currently occurring here and now versus minding something that is neither. The latter is what I mean by “departing from reality.” If it’s not currently happening, see if you can bring yourself back into the present experience.
There is also a difference between minding something but accepting it versus minding something and insisting that it shouldn’t be happening. “Shouldn’t be happening” is an exercise in futility. It’s an argument against reality. Removing your resistance from the equation (to something that cannot be changed by resisting it!) reduces your suffering; and it doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you’re giving up.
Jesuit priest and author Anthony de Mello defined enlightenment as absolute cooperation with the inevitable. This is the opposite of resistance and a necessary first step before diving deeper into your relationship with what you mind.
Diving in is acceptance in action. Generally, you must set aside time and space for this. It entails meeting the inner discord with sincerity, being willing to see, hear, feel, and understand it in its entirety. It also entails a willingness to recognize how the conflict degrades you and limits your freedom. Try to maintain an attitude of openness and innocence throughout the process. This work can unravel long-held beliefs and patterns of constraint. It can enable you to move forward with constructive action, if that’s what you choose. And it can facilitate an expansion from your relativistic thinking about the issue to a more transpersonal perspective. This may not always get you to a place where you can honestly say, “I don’t mind what’s happening,” but it will bring greater clarity and peace to your experience of it.
Be well,
Peter
1Fossella, T., 2011. Human Nature, Buddha Nature: An Interview with John Welwood. [online] Tricycle: The Buddhist Review. Available at: <https://tricycle.org/magazine/human-nature-buddha-nature/> [Accessed 27 April 2022]. Welwood cautioned, “When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it.”
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Imagine if you had the opportunity to create the perfect planet. What would you come up with? Let’s brainstorm together!
To start, you’d probably want plenty of water. We all know that water is a fundamental prerequisite for life. So let’s make crystal clear water in springs and lakes and rivers for drinking and bathing and cleaning and growing plants. Then you’d probably like to have vast seas to hold more water as a source of precipitation to moisten the land. And these seas would also keep the planet cool and generate air movement. They could house infinitely fascinating creatures and would be full of mystery and beauty.
Then you’d want stable land to live on and maybe you’d cover the land with soil – a miraculous substance that would feed the creatures that live upon it and is relatively easy to dig in. It would be smart and beautiful to cover most of the soil with an incredible carpet of vegetation. There would be grasses and other low-growing plants to hold the soil together and blanket it with a lovely softness and a variety of shapes and colors. And why not also make it capable of rippling in breezes and adorning the land with flowers?
You would probably also want taller vegetation – elegant, noble trees. They would offer shade and shelter, create their own ecosystems, and support innumerable creatures. With their spreading, upright growth, they would seem to parallel the human journey, rooted in the earth and rising toward the heavens. All this plant matter would turn sunlight into biological life and provide the planet’s inhabitants with oxygen, food, lumber, clothing, paper, pigments, and nearly everything else we need.
Of course, you’d want to share the planet with a great variety of animals, each of which would be lovely in its own way. They would be fascinating and inspiring and sometimes cuddly. They would be our companions, teachers, resources, and part of a perfect, balanced web of ecology.
You would probably want to make the atmosphere just the right temperature and gas composition for all these lifeforms. It would be super smooth to breathe it. And maybe you’d choose to fill the soil with treasures – metals and minerals to fortify our bodies, and the raw materials for tools, glass, machines, jewelry, and microchips.
If it were up to you, you would make it absolutely gorgeous, right? Maybe you’d choose glorious blue skies that would make you feel free and expansive, and they’d change color in the morning and evening. You’d perhaps fill the skies with an ever-changing display of clouds that would look like swishes and dollops of paint made by a giant paint brush. And they’d provide shelter from the hot sun and would deliver water to the creatures and the land.
For interest, you’d make the land rise up in places to create chains of mountains, some of them covered with snow, and there would be lush valleys and canyons between. You would throw out the occasional rainbow as a sweet surprise. Maybe you’d create some kind of natural laser light show for people to watch at night, called aurora borealis.
Could you imagine if such a place existed?! You would look around at all of it and say, "This is perfect! It’s the greatest imaginable treasure!” And you’d feel lucky and grateful. You’d feel inspired and awestruck. You’d feel in love with the magic and majesty of it all. You’d feel honored to get to live in such a place, and reverent of the power and grace and grandeur evident in such a place. You’d feel taken care of. You’d feel home.
Let’s all remember this and treat the planet like the miracle it is.
Be well,
Peter
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As a young adult living in Western Massachusetts, I had a handful of friends who attended Hampshire College. Hampshire is well known for being highly unconventional. There are no majors, no departments, and no grades. So much of the program is up to the student, including a final yearlong project. I could see why it was appealing, especially to people who didn’t seem to fit into typical academic institutions.
When I first heard these friends talk of the wonderfully freeform nature of their college experience, I was envious. In later years, as they found it increasingly challenging to keep themselves on course, I remember saying, “That kind of program wouldn’t work for me.” I realized, with no shame at all, that I needed way (way) more hand-holding. Only one of my Hampshire friends graduated. I guess they needed more hand-holding too.
There are a number of reasons we avoid getting help or taking direction:
- We’re too proud to admit we need help.
- We’re afraid of opening up, being vulnerable, or appearing weak.
- We think nobody is capable of helping us.
- We don’t want to be controlled or guided in a way we don’t like.
- We don’t want to be told what to do.
- We don’t want to be a burden.
- We don’t want to share the credit.
- We feel it’s less of an accomplishment if we get help.
- We believe we need to do things all by ourselves.
This last one is a common inherited belief, though nearly every impressive historical figure had a team of supporters. Yes, there’s a grain of truth to it: each of us is responsible for ourselves, our choices and actions. Each of us is responsible for how we show up in the world. Nobody can do the internal work for us. But it’s perfectly okay to get tons of help along the way. It doesn’t diminish the outcome. In fact, we connect and improve through the process when we let others in. This is true even when it comes to healing and spirituality. It’s time to let go of the “Lone Ranger complex.”
Guidance and mutual support are an important part of why our program, Sacred Expansion, has been so successful. We created Sacred Expansion as a prerequisite for our life coaching trainees, as we feel it’s important to “clean house” before guiding others. It was designed to help people get to know themselves more deeply, release old unhealthy patterns, and open to a state of greater intuition and trust – all within a group of others on the same journey.
It turned out to be so monumental for our early participants that we decided to make Sacred Expansion available as a stand-alone course. Enrollment is happening NOW! You’ll be lovingly led by my wife, Briana, through an exploration of yourself through the metaphors of the seasons. And you’ll come out of it with greater clarity and self-awareness, less baggage, a deeper connection to Spirit, and the tools to continue the process on your own. I encourage you to do it!
Also, I recommend you look back at that list of reasons we avoid getting help and see if there are any that ring a bell for you. If so, consider the following questions. Is this belief true? (E.g., Is it true that nobody could help me? Is it true that if I asked for help, it would compromise me in some critical way? Is it true that it’s less of an accomplishment if I get help?) And then meditate on what life might be like if you felt completely at ease and unembarrassed about asking for help and graciously receiving it?
Be well,
Peter
P.S. Early Bird pricing for Sacred Expansion is currently in progress. Sign up today and save $200! On August 17th, the price goes up, so if you want to join us, don't miss this opportunity!
Click here to enroll today!
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