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Here's a fantastic seasonal favorite from the Best of Dr. Peter Borten articles vault! Enjoy, and please feel free to share YOUR favorite chilled summer treat recipes in the comments below!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, summer. The warm, bright sun, birds chirping, bees buzzing, and the sound of ice cream trucks in the air. We crave cold, sweet things like lemonade, ice cream, popsicles, and gelato. Somehow the specialness of summer convinces us to let ourselves and our kids indulge a bit more in the sugar. But summer treats don’t have to be full of refined sugar in order to be yummy and refreshing. Try these healthier variations on summer staples. You’ll feel in the spirit of the season, but don’t have to worry about putting on extra weight at a time of year when you may feel self-conscious of your body in skimpy summer attire.
In Chinese nutritional theory, sour foods are considered to help generate fluids in the body. When we’re hot and thirsty, the sourness of lemonade often feels even more refreshing than plain water. But the sugar just adds tons of extra calories (Minute Maid has about 12 teaspoons of sugar per 16 ounce glass) and makes you feel full if you drink too much. Your first healthier option is simply lemony water. A squirt of lemon (or lime) juice makes me much more enthusiastic about drinking enough water throughout the day. If you’re accustomed to drinking fruit juice daily, you can easily make the switch to lemony water and lose the extra sugar. If you don’t want to bring a lemon to work with you, try getting one of those lemon-shaped squeeze bottles of juice. If you have access to a juicer or juice bar, another excellent substitute for more sugary juices is cucumber juice. It’s wonderfully cooling in the summer. I like it with a squeeze of lemon and/or some fresh mint.
If you really want the sweetness of lemonade, try some stevia powder. It comes from the leaf of the stevia plant, it has no calories, and it’s much sweeter than sugar. You can also use it to sweeten your iced tea. (Bottled, sweetened iced tea, like lemonade, is full of sugar.) Also, you may wish to try a virgin mojito. Crush ice over fresh mint, add lime juice, stevia powder, and sparkling water. Very refreshing. Stevia powder varies a bit in quality. The lower quality stuff often has a bitter aftertaste. Generally, the 100% pure kind (which is also more expensive) tastes the best. A bottle will last you a very long time, because you only need minuscule amounts. You can find it at Trader Joes and natural food stores. It’s not quite as good as sugar, I’ll admit it, but you can get used to it.
Next are popsicles. The least healthy ones are made with high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and artificial flavors. Slightly better are the fruit juice sweetened kinds, but keep in mind that they’re made with concentrated fruit juice so as to maximize the sugar content. Better still are homemade popsicles made with just plain juice, though they still have a decent amount of sugar. If you want a sugar-free version, I’ve come up with a good recipe that we make at home:
Brew several cups of fruity herbal tea. I like to use Lemon Zinger or Red Zinger (Celestial Seasonings) though there are many other options. Then add some lemon juice and stevia powder until it tastes right and freeze it using popsicle forms (or an ice cube tray with foil or plastic wrap over it and tooth picks poked through). I you really dislike stevia (first, I'd encourage you to try a few different kinds, including both a powdered one and a liquid one), a second healthier option is xylitol crystals, a plant-derived “sugar alcohol.” It tastes more like sugar than stevia, and it’s also somewhat more expensive. However, it’s not calorie-free – xylitol has about 40% fewer calories than sugar. But it doesn’t raise our blood sugar the same way that normal sugar does, so it’s a safe substitute for diabetics. Xylitol has some other interesting properties, such as helping to prevent tooth decay and treating allergies and upper respiratory infections (usually used in nasal spray or gum form for this). While it’s quite safe, consumption of very large quantities can cause gas and/or diarrhea. Another promising sugar alcohol called erythritol has fewer calories than xylitol, the same health benefits, and less potential to disrupt the digestion. You can find erythritol and even combination erythritol+stevia products (including the popular Truvia) at many grocery stores.
One other easy popsicle substitute is simply frozen berries. Blueberries are the most popsicle-like to me, and because they take longer to eat, you won’t eat a whole box at once. We always have some bags of frozen blueberries, raspberries, cherries, strawberries, and blackberries in our freezer. They are my daughter's dessert of choice.
When you really want ice cream, frozen bananas can be a surprisingly close substitute. Break them into small pieces before freezing them. Once frozen, put them in a food processor or a strong blender with a dash of vanilla extract, and puree them. You may need to open the blender a few times and push the banana back down into the blades (I recommend turning it off before doing this) in order to get all the lumps blended. In the end, you should end up with something that has the consistency of sherbet or soft serve ice cream. Kids love it. You can also add other kinds of frozen fruit to change the flavor. Another option is the addition of raw, organic cocoa powder. Usually, the sweetness of the bananas is enough to offset the bitterness of the chocolate, but if not, let the bananas get extra ripe (brown) before you freeze them, or try adding some stevia extract. If it’s not creamy (fatty) enough for you, you can add some coconut milk or pureed cashews and re-chill it for a while to help it thicken.
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When I first heard the term “take back your power” some decades ago, I thought it pertained mostly to relationships in which one person was overly submissive to the other. Since I didn’t seem to be in that position with anyone, I felt this wasn’t work I needed to do.
But in the years since, I’ve come to feel that power sacrifice is something we do all the time, and nearly everyone would benefit from reclaiming their power on a regular basis. As I see it, there are two main categories to power loss (though, as we’ll see, there’s quite a bit of overlap):
-
- We give power to a specific person (consciously or unconsciously).
- We ignore, deny, or fail to recognize our own power and agency (Merriam-Webster: “agency: the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power”).
Let’s look at some examples of each category.
Category one includes the types of relationships I mentioned at the beginning of the article, such as when one person seeks the other’s approval to the extent of relinquishing their own needs, preferences, self-esteem, possibly even losing their sense of self. We often dub these relationships “codependent” and the power transfer can be very obvious to an outsider.
There are many subtler forms that are trickier to recognize. For instance, it’s fine to have a leader, boss, or mentor whom we accept guidance from; this doesn’t require giving away any of your power. But it’s easy, due to the hierarchical nature of the relationship, for an unconscious power transfer to occur. (That said, it’s also possible to hold onto your own power even while, say, working for a boss who makes big demands on your time and energy.)
Another subtle form of interpersonal power transfer is something like investing your power in someone, often because they bring something positive to your life, such as stability, support, attractiveness, wise counsel, heavy lifting, or good humor. The difference between simply appreciating these qualities versus giving away your power as a secret exchange is that when they don't behave in a way that you like, it feels very upsetting – maybe to an irrational degree.
If you have our workbook, Freedom, it can be very useful for helping you feel into the difference between being in possession of your power versus having put it in someone else’s hands.
Because they have your power, it’s as if they’re breaking a deal they never agreed to. You probably didn’t mean to give away your power, nor do you even realize this has happened. All you “know” is that they should be different, and you feel justified in making their behavior your business. It’s similar to how you might feel if a company you invested in made some bad business moves – except that the company consented to the investment.
It's reasonable to expect your partner to be mature and responsible, and it’s natural to be upset if they break an agreement or cause harm. But if you have your power and they have theirs, they can be who they choose to be and do what they choose to do, and it feels clean. You may disagree and have emotions about it, but you can work through it in a level-headed way that’s founded on reverence for each party’s agency and your mutual choice to be together.
Whenever you find yourself intensely upset by someone’s behavior, I suggest you let it trigger a quick “power check.” Who has your power? Are you allowing the other person’s behavior to dictate whether you’re peaceful, centered, and happy? Perhaps you’ve unintentionally given them some of your power.
Giving away your power doesn’t make you stupid or naïve. It's absolutely natural, especially given our childhood of utter dependence on others. Much of the time we give our power away through a totally benevolent impulse to help or share. But it's worth developing an awareness of the difference between helping someone and giving them what’s yours.
And here we come to an important principle: your power is your power. You can't give it to someone else in a way that's truly good for them or you. If anything, giving others your power is an infringement on them and a weight on the relationship.
Next time we’ll look at ways to take back your power and return others’ power to them. And we’ll also explore that second way we give away our power.
Have you ever had an experience of giving away your power? Did you reclaim it? Has this article made you aware of a situation in which you might be leaking power? Please share with the community in the comments section below.
Be well,
Peter
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When I was a teenager, I invested $400 in 20 years of anger and a big, hard, life-changing lesson. I had seen this guy around – a friend of a friend named Justin – carrying the exact model of guitar that I wanted, and there was a rumor that he was looking to sell it. I tracked him down in a parking lot by the beach where high schoolers hung out on summer nights.
He was among a group of kids smoking cigarettes on a Mexican blanket in the back of a van. As I approached them, he nodded at me in recognition, and I asked him about the guitar. He said he had paid $800 for the instrument but was willing to let it go for half of that because he needed money fast. So fast, in fact, that he wanted me to pay him for it on the spot even though he didn’t have the guitar with him. That way, he explained, he would know I was serious about it and he wouldn’t sell it to another guy that he had already promised it to. I went home and returned with my money, which I handed over, and he agreed to meet me at a coffee shop the next morning with the guitar.
Only, as you can probably guess, he didn’t show up.
I found out where he lived and went to his house. He answered the door flanked by a large, red-faced man several years older than us who looked twitchy, and had scabs on his knuckles. I asked for the guitar.
“What guitar?” Justin replied. “Are you talking about my cousin’s guitar?”
“Yeah,” the man asked, “are you talking about my guitar?” and he pointed to the guitar, which lay on a dirty couch behind them.
“Well it’s my guitar actually,” I stated, trying to sound tougher than I felt. “I paid Justin 400 bucks for it yesterday.”
“Why would you make up a story like that?” his cousin challenged, sneering to reveal a mouthful of broken teeth. “He can’t sell my guitar. Can you, Justin?”
“Nope,” said Justin. “I barely know this loser.”
“Did this little boy give you 400 bucks?” Cousin asked.
“Of course not. Cuz then I’d have 400 bucks. But I’m broke, see?” and he pulled out his wallet and opened it to show that it was empty.
“Well then,” said Cousin, turning back to me, “it looks like you just came here to try to cheat us and that’s not very nice.”
“You’re the ones who are cheating me!” I countered, but my instincts were telling me that no good would come out of pushing this.
“Is this little boy threatening us at our own house, Justin?” Cousin asked.
“It kinda sounds like it,” Justin replied. “It kinda sounds like he wants to fight.” The two of them edged toward me.
“I don’t want to fight,” I said, “I just want the guitar that I paid for.”
“If you don’t want trouble,” said Cousin, “then get off our porch and don’t show your face around here again.”
So I left.
At that age, in that time and place, I believed that getting an adult involved – even one with a badge – simply wasn’t an option. Not solving your own problems was looked down upon, and there was no real escape from retribution for squealing in a small town. No, the only way to manage such an issue was to beat someone up. My guy friends said things like, “You need to go back over there and pound the money out of him!” But I was a skinny pacifist and Justin and his cousin were the burly sons of lobstermen. I suggested that maybe a whole gang of us could visit Justin’s house, but my friends sheepishly declined, murmuring things like, “I don’t have any beef with him . . .”
I only encountered Justin once more in person. I ran into him at a restaurant a few months later, where he was sitting at a table with his friends (no Cousin, luckily). I walked over to him and said, “You still owe me 400 bucks.”
“Yeah?” he replied, “Get in line. I owe money to a lot of people.” And at this he shrugged and looked to his friends who all laughed and started yelling out how much he owed them.
I wish I could say that was the end of it, but I had hundreds – no, thousands – of encounters with him in my mind during and after this time. The incident generated many negative conclusions: that I was an idiot, that people are bad and untrustworthy, that I was weak, that Boston is full of thugs, that I wasn’t manly, that I couldn’t count on my friends, and so on. I had daydreams in which I would imagine myself destroying his life, or going back with a gun or a knife and getting my money, or stealing the guitar.
Sometimes I would forget about the whole thing for a month or six months or a year, but whenever I remembered it again I still felt upset.
It was many years before I entertained the idea of forgiveness. I didn’t like him and I didn’t want to give him anything he didn’t deserve, but I was beginning to get a sense of just how much my own resentment had poisoned me. So I tried it. I said to myself, “I forgive Justin for stealing my money,” and I felt a little relieved.
But shortly thereafter, I caught myself replaying the story and feeling angry. I hadn’t let it go. I was frustrated. I forgave him again. And then I caught myself again. And I repeated this cycle a few more times before a deeper understanding began to dawn on me.
First, I decided that it would be worth $400 to really let this go. So I reframed it – I decided I was letting him have the $400 willingly so that I could just be done with this. I hoped that if I could convince myself that I was choosing this, there would be nothing to resent.
Unfortunately, this strategy wasn’t enough to help me get over the whole thing, but there was value in being rational about the various costs and payoffs involved. I was getting nothing but pain for my $400 as long as I held onto my story. And, Briana once reminded me, if I had taken on those guys: “You would have been paying four hundred dollars to get your butt kicked.”
Second, I discovered that forgiveness is almost always a many-layered process and constitutes more work than we tend to expect. In my case, I had some anger about having gotten ripped off, but I was gradually getting to a place where $400 wasn’t that much money. The actual theft wasn’t the biggest thing. More bothersome was the sense that my instincts were wrong, that I was helpless, that I was a wimp, and especially that I should have done something differently.
I looked long and hard at all of this, and it took me on a deeper journey into my psyche that revealed that these thoughts all had deeper roots. There was a certain mistrust for the world that was important to recognize, but more importantly, a mistrust of myself, and lots of self-blame. I systematically unearthed everything I found and forgave it all.
Third, I realized that true forgiveness is not a single act, but a commitment. I’ve written about this idea in several articles and books, but never before told the story that led me to it. Until I had this revelation, I believed that a proper act of forgiveness should last forever and the resentment should never come back. Thus, I had also some self-blame around not having forgiven correctly, since it wasn’t sticking.
Then I learned that the “correct” way to forgive is to make an agreement with myself that I am going to forgive over and over, as many times as it takes. It’s also an agreement to be mindful enough to notice when I’ve picked up my resentment again, to stop indulging in it, and let it go once more.
So, in the end, perhaps $400 was a bargain for the insights I finally got.
What have you invested in (whether with dollars, energy, time, or some other commodity) that has thus far yielded only pain? Is it possible to reframe it such that you offer to willingly give what has already been given – in exchange for growth, insight, and freedom?
Where is forgiveness in order? Besides the most obvious object of forgiveness, what sub-resentments exist? (It’s worth getting a pen and paper for this, since it might be a long list.) Are you willing to make a lifelong commitment to forgive and thus be freed from a story that has kept you enslaved? It’s heroism, truly.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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Here's a fantastic seasonal favorite from the Best of Dr. Peter Borten articles vault! Enjoy, and please feel free to share YOUR favorite chilled summer treat recipes in the comments below!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, summer. The warm, bright sun, birds chirping, bees buzzing, and the sound of ice cream trucks in the air. We crave cold, sweet things like lemonade, ice cream, popsicles, and gelato. Somehow the specialness of summer convinces us to let ourselves and our kids indulge a bit more in the sugar. But summer treats don’t have to be full of refined sugar in order to be yummy and refreshing. Try these healthier variations on summer staples. You’ll feel in the spirit of the season, but don’t have to worry about putting on extra weight at a time of year when you may feel self-conscious of your body in skimpy summer attire.
In Chinese nutritional theory, sour foods are considered to help generate fluids in the body. When we’re hot and thirsty, the sourness of lemonade often feels even more refreshing than plain water. But the sugar just adds tons of extra calories (Minute Maid has about 12 teaspoons of sugar per 16 ounce glass) and makes you feel full if you drink too much. Your first healthier option is simply lemony water. A squirt of lemon (or lime) juice makes me much more enthusiastic about drinking enough water throughout the day. If you’re accustomed to drinking fruit juice daily, you can easily make the switch to lemony water and lose the extra sugar. If you don’t want to bring a lemon to work with you, try getting one of those lemon-shaped squeeze bottles of juice. If you have access to a juicer or juice bar, another excellent substitute for more sugary juices is cucumber juice. It’s wonderfully cooling in the summer. I like it with a squeeze of lemon and/or some fresh mint.
If you really want the sweetness of lemonade, try some stevia powder. It comes from the leaf of the stevia plant, it has no calories, and it’s much sweeter than sugar. You can also use it to sweeten your iced tea. (Bottled, sweetened iced tea, like lemonade, is full of sugar.) Also, you may wish to try a virgin mojito. Crush ice over fresh mint, add lime juice, stevia powder, and sparkling water. Very refreshing. Stevia powder varies a bit in quality. The lower quality stuff often has a bitter aftertaste. Generally, the 100% pure kind (which is also more expensive) tastes the best. A bottle will last you a very long time, because you only need minuscule amounts. You can find it at Trader Joes and natural food stores. It’s not quite as good as sugar, I’ll admit it, but you can get used to it.
Next are popsicles. The least healthy ones are made with high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and artificial flavors. Slightly better are the fruit juice sweetened kinds, but keep in mind that they’re made with concentrated fruit juice so as to maximize the sugar content. Better still are homemade popsicles made with just plain juice, though they still have a decent amount of sugar. If you want a sugar-free version, I’ve come up with a good recipe that we make at home:
Brew several cups of fruity herbal tea. I like to use Lemon Zinger or Red Zinger (Celestial Seasonings) though there are many other options. Then add some lemon juice and stevia powder until it tastes right and freeze it using popsicle forms (or an ice cube tray with foil or plastic wrap over it and tooth picks poked through). I you really dislike stevia (first, I'd encourage you to try a few different kinds, including both a powdered one and a liquid one), a second healthier option is xylitol crystals, a plant-derived “sugar alcohol.” It tastes more like sugar than stevia, and it’s also somewhat more expensive. However, it’s not calorie-free – xylitol has about 40% fewer calories than sugar. But it doesn’t raise our blood sugar the same way that normal sugar does, so it’s a safe substitute for diabetics. Xylitol has some other interesting properties, such as helping to prevent tooth decay and treating allergies and upper respiratory infections (usually used in nasal spray or gum form for this). While it’s quite safe, consumption of very large quantities can cause gas and/or diarrhea. Another promising sugar alcohol called erythritol has fewer calories than xylitol, the same health benefits, and less potential to disrupt the digestion. You can find erythritol and even combination erythritol+stevia products (including the popular Truvia) at many grocery stores.
One other easy popsicle substitute is simply frozen berries. Blueberries are the most popsicle-like to me, and because they take longer to eat, you won’t eat a whole box at once. We always have some bags of frozen blueberries, raspberries, cherries, strawberries, and blackberries in our freezer. They are my daughter's dessert of choice.
When you really want ice cream, frozen bananas can be a surprisingly close substitute. Break them into small pieces before freezing them. Once frozen, put them in a food processor or a strong blender with a dash of vanilla extract, and puree them. You may need to open the blender a few times and push the banana back down into the blades (I recommend turning it off before doing this) in order to get all the lumps blended. In the end, you should end up with something that has the consistency of sherbet or soft serve ice cream. Kids love it. You can also add other kinds of frozen fruit to change the flavor. Another option is the addition of raw, organic cocoa powder. Usually, the sweetness of the bananas is enough to offset the bitterness of the chocolate, but if not, let the bananas get extra ripe (brown) before you freeze them, or try adding some stevia extract. If it’s not creamy (fatty) enough for you, you can add some coconut milk or pureed cashews and re-chill it for a while to help it thicken.
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