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How do we pick up the pieces after a natural disaster like the one we just experienced?
Living in Boulder, we’ve all grown accustom to hearing about cleanses, and now we’ve communally experienced one.
I have many friends, myself included, who have either lost their possessions or their homes, and chances are you’ve either been affected or know someone affected by this flood. So it’s understandable if it seems like a daunting task finding the silver lining in all this, especially when we have yet to see that ever promising rainbow show up in the sky. However, this tragedy can be a blessing in disguise. Despite the physical losses and the challenges that will inevitably come with rebuilding our lives and homes, many of us have been given a rare opportunity at a fresh start.
Living in Boulder has been such a blessing. Without question, this place embodies ecologic progressiveness, mindfulness, and has a true sense of community. Before living here I was never exposed to axioms, like that of non-attachment. It sounds like such a great life principle in theory, but I never dreamed of having to be forced to appreciate it...because let’s face it, I love Anthropologie.
Yet, coming to terms with this life lesson can and will forever change your life, as it has mine in such a short period of time. That’s not discrediting the fact that along the way we won’t have ebbing and flowing moments of loss (no pun intended), but once you free your mind, your physical space, and mental life of material things, the world around you starts to fill with possibility: the possibility of spending more time fully experiencing the beauty that surrounds us, the possibility of spending more quality time with the people we care about most (and maybe even people we don’t care so much about, but will grow to), the possibility of being less selfish and more community-centered, and the possibility of living a life free of desires that aren’t related to our emotional, physical, or spiritual growth.
It’s probably safe to assume that collectively, at some point we have all been guilty of spending too much energy and focus on material things, being possessive in relationships, or allowing ourselves to dwell on negative thoughts and worries. But, if this disaster is going to teach us just one thing, it’s that we need to let go. Because, in that moment of letting go, we become more free.
“Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.” -The Dalai Lama
Please let me be completely honest here, until the other day I was certainly preoccupied with presenting both myself and my space in a way that I previously thought was therapeutic and zen-like, but in reality was still spending way too many waking hours thinking about objects. Not to mention that until the flood came rushing down the canyon I didn’t even know my neighbors.
So, yes, while this is not the way we were planning on learning how to let the superfluous objects in our lives go, this has truly been a gift, and it can be for all of us if we’re willing to breath through and let go of the grief so that we can collectively look up and see the rainbow...or double rainbow if we’re lucky.
In the spirit of being selfless, let’s all join together to help rebuild lives and communities outside of our immediate scope of vision in whatever way we can. Donating is one simple way, and you can use the link below to do so, but there are many ways to help out, so I encourage everyone to be as active and creative as possible, and you might just be surprised to see what happens.
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/love-for-lyons-rebuilding-a-devastated-colorado-mountain-town
-Lauren G. (Assistant Spa Director - The Dragontree Boulder)
[post_title] => Breaking Up (with your stuff) Is Hard To Do
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Last week I wrote about forgiveness as the ultimate psychological cleanse. The emphasis of the article was on forgiving other people, because most of us have plenty of work to do in this area, and it’s pretty easy to identify the resentment we have toward others, whether it’s our parents, ex-lovers, and bosses, or more distant relations, like Dick Cheney and Monsanto. But I believe the massive submerged part of the resentment iceberg is all about ourselves.
In my opinion, whether we’re aware of it or not, we blame ourselves for everything about our life that isn’t the way we think it should be. Like I said, this portion of the iceberg is usually hidden, so I expect many people will disagree with me on this. I didn’t believe it until just a few years ago. Before then, I would have told you, I’m not someone who blames myself when things go wrong.
But through my meditation practice, I gradually discovered a wellspring of self-blame, shame, and guilt within myself. It’s not that these feelings just arose in me; I unearthed them. They’ve been there since childhood. And my sense is that they’re not just my feelings . . . they belong to all of us. The focus of this self-blame is so broad that I believe it’s simply an inevitable product of the way we socialize each other.
Probably, it stems from an early time in our lives when the people around us began to teach us about the world. There were so many words, labels, and behaviors to learn, and the goal of every lesson was to be right. When we named the color, or peed in the right place, or ate all our food, we did it right and got the reward of praise, love, and approval. And when we drew on the wall, or hit someone, or had the wrong answer, we didn’t get this reward. Maybe we even got disapproval or anger.
And since most of this positive and negative feedback came from our parents – the people responsible for our very survival – we naturally made being right one of our highest priorities. We became experts at being – or at least, appearing – right. Two important secondary behaviors developed from this training. First, we taught our subconscious to habitually identify wrong things – in us and in others – because it’s at least as important to know what’s wrong, and to avoid being wrong, as it is to be right. Second, we learned to internally preside over the judgment of our own behavior. By policing ourselves, scolding ourselves, and withholding approval from ourselves, we could get better at presenting only rightnessto the world.
As we moved into the school phase of life, this training became more rigorous. Our teachers and peers joined in on the process of critiquing us, and we began to see that certain things about us could be wrong that we never thought about controlling before – like the size of our body, or the color of our skin, or the way our hair looked. And if we were brought up in a sin-based religion, we were likely taught that, despite being “created in God’s image,” we had messed up really bad. All of this served to strengthen our internal critic.
But our self-criticism has been such a constant thing that many of us barely even notice it. Even in psychologically healthy folks, I’d guess that there are dozens of thoughts each day that go something like: “I’m not working fast enough,” “I should be thinner,” “There’s something wrong with me,” “I shouldn’t have said that,” “I should have done that differently,” “I should be better at . . .,” “I should be more accomplished at this age than I am,” “I’m a mediocre parent,” “Why am I so bad at making money?,” “I’m not doing anything impressive,” “I’m not very pretty,” “I screwed up my life,” and more. Self-blame thoughts like these make us less happy, and they cause us to withhold approval from ourselves, even if they don’t seem so bad. Even if we think, “But it’s true.”
Forgiveness – continual forgiveness, where we just let ourselves and the world BE however we are – is the means to liberation. There’s a line I love from A Course in Miracles: “God does not forgive because he has never condemned.” All the condemnation comes from within our own minds, and forgiveness is the ultimate cleanse.
I believe that a big part of our personal evolution is about letting more and more love into our lives. We can all have as much love as we want, but we restrict it from certain areas of our lives because we don't accept them or we think they should be different. So, there are these dark nooks and crannies in our consciousness where we haven't let the love in. The more of those we have, the less light, free, joyful, and spontaneous we feel. They're like sandbags weighing down our hot air balloon. And when we forgive, it's like cutting the strings.
When we start forgiving habitually, not only do we begin to experience a lightness and freedom that for many of us has been absent for decades, but we also begin to recognize just how powerful we are. Even if we’ve been exploring personal development or spirituality for a while, we’ve probably had an outlook that amounts to looking for and appreciating the goodness in each situation. Perhaps we’ve even come to realize that there’s a certain lightness to be found in every circumstance. But when we start living forgiveness, and we shed mountains of blame, a new understanding may emerge: we don’t need to find the goodness in every situation; we bring the goodness to every situation. You are the light of the world, as soon as you choose it.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => You Are the Light of the World
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Even though your grandma told you not to assume because it “makes an ass out of you and me,” assuming is part of life. In fact, if you avoided making assumptions, your life would come to a standstill.
Upon waking up in the morning you’d have to test the stability of the floor by dropping a large dumbbell on it, because you wouldn’t want to assume that it was still structurally sound. Something could have happened to it in the night. Nor would you want to assume that the air is safe to breathe, or that you’re a real human and not actually a robot, or that everyone hasn’t changed their name since yesterday. Without assuming, life would get very crazy very quickly.
If you were able to see the actual extent of your assumptions, it might be more than your mind could handle. But it’s likely that it would also be a profound revelation, because you would see that all these assumptions – and very little objective fact – comprise an enormous story about how life is and who you are.
That story could be one of unlimited potential and unrestrained play! More often, though, it’s a story of “life’s not fair,” and “it’s hard to make real change,” and “people are mean.”
While it’s simply a matter of sanity to assume that our environment is basically unchanged from day to day, it’s quite different to make assumptions about other people’s thoughts, feelings, and motives or our own limitations. Yet, we do it all the time, and often we assume the worst.
When someone doesn’t communicate or act in the way we hope and expect, we might make an automatic assumption that it means they don’t like us or that they have ill intentions.
We rarely find out if our assumptions about other people are accurate, so we could just as easily assume generously. We can assume that people like us, that they’re kind, that they’re doing their best, and that they’re intrinsically noble.
What happens when we assume generously?
The two most significant shifts are:
(1) our story changes for the better
(2) we relate to the other party in a more constructive way
First, our story changes for the better. We may have challenges and others may be confused or even hurtful, but if our assumption is an overarching goodness, we have a lot more freedom in the matter (and so do they).
We’re able to see a bigger picture.
We don’t need to react.
We’re not the victim and our brothers and sisters aren’t villains.
Second, we relate to the other party in a more constructive way. When we assume someone has negative intentions, it’s easy to subtly (or not-so-subtly) contribute to an experience that seems to confirm this.
Through our energy, body language, and words, we convey our resistance to our assumption about them, and they respond to it. Sometimes it goes back and forth for days or weeks or years, until one person – maybe you – decides to cut through the bullshit and assume generously about them.
As soon as you make this choice, you begin listening differently (or listening at all!). You relate to others in a way that’s authentic and seeks harmony, and even calls forth their virtue.
This can snowball in the same way it does with negative assumptions, because seeing the other in a positive light requires tapping into your own virtue. You’re going beyond the drama and conflict and seeing with a higher form of vision.
Thus, your virtue calls forth their virtue, and their virtue inspires your virtue to come even more to the forefront. Soon you’re seeing the light in everyone and simultaneously basking in that light.
But, what if you’re wrong in your generous assumptions?
For the most part, it’s harmless.
You thought someone liked you but they don’t. You thought someone was helping but they weren’t. These incidents are going to be few and far between and you would have discovered the truth regardless of your perspective. In the meantime, though, you were re-scripting your own story of life, and this discovery needn’t invalidate it.
Of course, there’s a difference between having faith in the goodness of humanity and being naive or willfully ignorant. Regardless of someone’s intentions, if you’re actually being harmed in a relationship, don’t try to convince yourself that you should stick around and see their virtue.
Use your intuition and love yourself – and remove yourself from harm if necessary. But don’t let such experiences make you lose sight of the power to interpret events in a positive light, in a way that helps you learn and grow, or in a way that gives you greater clarity as to how you’d like to create your life differently from here on out.
So, here’s an experiment for you to try: for the rest of today, assume generously in every situation. This will require watching the assumptions you’re making – and that in itself can be an eye-opening and life-changing experience.
First, you’ll see what you’re usually assuming degrades your experience of life. Then you’ll have a chance to change your perspective. You don’t need to go to the opposite end of the spectrum (e.g., if someone spits on you, it might be a stretch to assume this is a subtle form of baptism in their culture).
Instead, try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Can you listen? Can you see beyond the surface, beyond your own snap judgement? What happens next? Share your experiences with me in the comments section below.
Love love love,
Briana
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How do we pick up the pieces after a natural disaster like the one we just experienced?
Living in Boulder, we’ve all grown accustom to hearing about cleanses, and now we’ve communally experienced one.
I have many friends, myself included, who have either lost their possessions or their homes, and chances are you’ve either been affected or know someone affected by this flood. So it’s understandable if it seems like a daunting task finding the silver lining in all this, especially when we have yet to see that ever promising rainbow show up in the sky. However, this tragedy can be a blessing in disguise. Despite the physical losses and the challenges that will inevitably come with rebuilding our lives and homes, many of us have been given a rare opportunity at a fresh start.
Living in Boulder has been such a blessing. Without question, this place embodies ecologic progressiveness, mindfulness, and has a true sense of community. Before living here I was never exposed to axioms, like that of non-attachment. It sounds like such a great life principle in theory, but I never dreamed of having to be forced to appreciate it...because let’s face it, I love Anthropologie.
Yet, coming to terms with this life lesson can and will forever change your life, as it has mine in such a short period of time. That’s not discrediting the fact that along the way we won’t have ebbing and flowing moments of loss (no pun intended), but once you free your mind, your physical space, and mental life of material things, the world around you starts to fill with possibility: the possibility of spending more time fully experiencing the beauty that surrounds us, the possibility of spending more quality time with the people we care about most (and maybe even people we don’t care so much about, but will grow to), the possibility of being less selfish and more community-centered, and the possibility of living a life free of desires that aren’t related to our emotional, physical, or spiritual growth.
It’s probably safe to assume that collectively, at some point we have all been guilty of spending too much energy and focus on material things, being possessive in relationships, or allowing ourselves to dwell on negative thoughts and worries. But, if this disaster is going to teach us just one thing, it’s that we need to let go. Because, in that moment of letting go, we become more free.
“Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.” -The Dalai Lama
Please let me be completely honest here, until the other day I was certainly preoccupied with presenting both myself and my space in a way that I previously thought was therapeutic and zen-like, but in reality was still spending way too many waking hours thinking about objects. Not to mention that until the flood came rushing down the canyon I didn’t even know my neighbors.
So, yes, while this is not the way we were planning on learning how to let the superfluous objects in our lives go, this has truly been a gift, and it can be for all of us if we’re willing to breath through and let go of the grief so that we can collectively look up and see the rainbow...or double rainbow if we’re lucky.
In the spirit of being selfless, let’s all join together to help rebuild lives and communities outside of our immediate scope of vision in whatever way we can. Donating is one simple way, and you can use the link below to do so, but there are many ways to help out, so I encourage everyone to be as active and creative as possible, and you might just be surprised to see what happens.
http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/love-for-lyons-rebuilding-a-devastated-colorado-mountain-town
-Lauren G. (Assistant Spa Director - The Dragontree Boulder)
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