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In part 4 of Live Pain Free, Dr. Peter Borten will discuss the roles of sleep and stress in relation to pain.
[post_title] => Live Pain Free Video Blog Part 4
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[post_content] => When Briana and I decided to leave Oregon, I had lived in Portland for 15 years and she’d been there for 12. As we prepared for our move to Boulder, Colorado – where we knew no one – Briana was concerned that we’d have a hard time making friends. I assured her it would be a breeze. Maybe I was a little overconfident.
Until then, I’d never had to put much work into establishing a friendship; they just happened. I hadn’t considered that during my tenure as an Oregonian I spent seven years in grad school, I held several jobs, and I lived with many housemates – situations that caused me to be around the same people day in and day out, which made connections easy.
We found it more challenging to get a friendship started through “single exposure” events. When you’re limited to short, infrequent meetings – like a dinner party or an event at your kid’s school – there’s a greater dependency on “chemistry.” We noticed that even after hanging out with people who were friendly and cool, if we didn’t feel a spark of connection, there wouldn’t be a strong drive to keep the ball rolling. Also, if the connection process started but lacked timely follow-through, it could sometimes get a little weird, as if there were a question hanging there: “Why didn’t we take this deeper? (Was it Murray’s gas?)”
Eventually we found a tribe of dear souls who feel like family, but along the way, it became clear that chemistry isn’t everything. Sometimes it’s not there at the outset – it doesn’t develop until you “learn” each other and discover how to harmonize together. Other times, the chemistry never really happens, yet the connection can still be fruitful. For instance, while we might not share meals together, I know I can count on my neighbors to keep an eye on my house or feed my pets – and I’d happily do the same for them.
Through this process, we felt moved to learn more about community building. We recognized the value in having multiple circles that served different functions. And we saw just how much the people can make the place. Until we made connections, we weren’t sure we wanted to stay; once we found our people, we could easily see ourselves living out our lives here.
We go into this (and much more) in our book, The Well Life . Here’s an excerpt of some guiding questions we came up with to help people build community consciously. Feel free to share your insights in the comments section below.
Describe the kind of community that would make you feel excited to participate. If you could shape your community, what values would it have? Some ideas: mutual respect, creative expression, healthy living, education, helping, active participation, safety, tolerance of differences, honesty, integrity, fun, equality, inclusiveness, etc. Write down the names of five people you value having in your life (they don’t need to be local). What skills and gifts could you share with your community? What sorts of people would you like to invite into your community to make it more diverse? What forums can you utilize to make these connections? While the internet can sometimes promote physical disconnection, it also provides lots of tools (evite, Facebook events, Meetup, etc.) for organizing real-life get-togethers.
I encourage you to get a piece of paper (or use your journal) and write freely on these questions, even if you already have a healthy community.
Wishing you an environment that supports you to be your best,
Dr. Peter Borten
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When Briana and I were creating the Dragontree Life Coach training program, we had lots and lots of meetings to discuss the curriculum. During one of those meetings I suddenly remembered something that happened in a classroom about 20 years earlier . . .
I was in graduate school for Asian medicine and I was taking a course in a subtle form of healing called Jin Shin Do. It involves touching acupuncture points on a patient’s body with minimal pressure. The idea isn’t to give a massage or manipulate the tissue, but to simply make contact, forming circuits between the points and supporting them to perform their therapeutic functions.
At the same time, I was studying massage, herbal medicine, and acupuncture – modalities where both practitioner and patient could agree that something more “obvious” was being done. In comparison I had some doubts about whether Jin Shin Do would accomplish anything, but I was pleasantly surprised. As the weeks passed and my classmates and I treated each other, we all noticed improvements in our physical and psychological health. And because the intervention was so gentle, there weren’t any side effects.
I was especially amazed at how recipients’ experiences were affected when the practitioners were secretly instructed to hold a certain mental focus during the treatment. For instance, sometimes the instructor would have the practitioners think about what they were going to make for dinner, or about their finances, or to keep the word “love” in mind while touching the recipient.
One focus resulted in the best experiences for the recipients. When the practitioners were told (without the recipients’ knowledge) to hold in mind the phrase “I am here for you,” the recipients reported feeling the deepest relaxation, profound peace, and a sense of trust in the process. (Unsurprisingly, when the practitioners spent the session thinking about dinner or money, the recipients reported that it didn’t feel like the treatment did anything).
Though it was a fleeting experience, it taught me a lot about what humans want and how we can best support each other. When it came to developing the coaching curriculum, this memory shaped our approach. While it may sound great to be able to solve people’s problems for them, often it’s even more supportive to be a steadfast presence for them – to “hold space” so they can safely feel and explore what’s happening for them . . . and discover the solution themselves.
This recognition sometimes comes as a big relief to coaches (or anyone in the healing arts) because it means you don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, I think it’s safe to say you’ll never have them. You can let yourself off the hook.
If you care for people and like to help, if you feel joy from seeing someone grow and develop their superpowers, you can do this. If you’re able to say, “I am here for you,” you’re able to support healing and evolution. And if you’d like some instruction in doing this work – some heart-centered, compassionate, holistic, nature-based, and thoroughly beautiful instruction – please check out our Dragontree Life Coaching Program .
Be well,
Peter
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In part 4 of Live Pain Free, Dr. Peter Borten will discuss the roles of sleep and stress in relation to pain.
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