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Years ago, a woman in her 70s came to see me with a long list of health problems. It seemed there was something wrong with almost every area of her life. As I listened to sound of defeat in her voice as she described the misery she was experiencing, I noticed myself think, “What a mess.” And I realized I was feeling her misery in myself, in my own body.
I also realized I was helping to perpetuate her situation. I know we’re crossing into woo-woo territory here, but hear me out. Built into virtually any longstanding pain or health problem is a secondary factor – one’s resistance to the experience. The resistance can both magnify the issue and cause it to become more firmly anchored in us. And even though she probably wasn’t conscious of it, I was validating that resistance by sending a subtle negative communication: “I resist your problems, too. I’m uncomfortable just imagining what your life is like. And just as you don’t accept this facet of your experience, neither do I.”
At the time I was studying a form of healing called Sat Nam Rasayan which entails the healer entering a meditative state wherein any sense of separation or resistance disappears. As one welcomes all perception, internal and external – thoughts, smells, sounds, feelings, tastes, images, etc. – an experience of equalization occurs. The “quiet” perceptions – a hidden thought, the air moving across one’s skin, a distant scent – come up in volume. And the “loud” perceptions – a prominent thought, a fire engine passing by, a sharp pain, a strongly scented detergent – come down in volume. All things meet in the middle, in an experience of deeply peaceful, neutral oneness, and there, healing happens.
So, when I noticed my resistance to this woman’s story, I relaxed. I accepted all of her and I accepted the feelings that arose in me as she spoke, and all the others in the room, from the sun streaming through the skylight to the ticking of the clock to the feeling of my clothes on my body, plus numerous other smells, thoughts, tastes, and feelings. I allowed it all to equalize into a sort of perceptual flatline, and I experienced a sense of expansion of the space within and around us.
And then she changed.
She stopped talking for a moment, blinked, and took a deep breath. Then her voice had a different, stronger quality to it as she said, “You know, I’m going to get healthy again. Tell me what to do.”
Usually I restrain myself from prescribing a total life overhaul because it’s simply too much for most people to implement at once. And if they dive in and then fail, it may hurt their ability to trust themselves and undermine future efforts toward healthy change. But in this case, I felt daring. I laid out all the things I thought she should change, from diet to sleep to her relationship with her adult children.
Months passed and she didn’t return. I wondered if my treatment didn’t work, or if I pushed her too hard, or if she had died. Hey, sometimes that’s just where your mind goes. Anyway, eventually, I saw her name in the appointment book and I was eager to hear what happened.
It was one of the most dramatic transformations I’ve ever seen in a patient. She was a new woman. Her eyes were clear and sharp, her voice was strong, she sat up straight and looked confident and youthful. I asked her, “Were you able to make any of the changes I recommended?”
“All of them,” she replied.
And that was pretty much that. I saw her a few more times for minor things, but she just didn’t need me. Of course, we can assume that her own actions were instrumental in her healing, but I tell you, everything shifted when I chose to hold her differently.
Since then, I try to avoid mirroring people’s resistance back to them. I feel the angst of their struggle with unwanted experiences and I work to accept the whole individual, allowing their state to equalize into the broader field of my awareness. I can’t say I always succeed at this or that the result is always miraculous when I do. In fact, I’ve found it’s best not to do it for the result. I just do it because there’s no point in resisting. And because I’d rather see people as I believe they really are – not victims of their circumstances, but powerful and perfect, and temporarily confused about who and what they really are.
So, let’s try some more equalization this week. Notice your resistance. Notice others’ resistance. As you perceive it, broaden your perception to include more and more of your total mental and multisensory experience, allowing the field to equalize. Allowing the subtle to come up and the noisy to settle down, everything evening into a still neutrality. Then share your experience here, if you feel like it.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
P.S. If you missed my first article on equalization last week, you can click here to read it.
P.P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about this and other approaches for resolving pain of all kinds, check out my new online course, Live Pain Free.
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I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about the prevalence of life coaches and other professionals who aim to guide others toward reaching their goals or finding psycho-spiritual wellness. He was feeling concerned that there has been a certain commodification of personal growth. While I agreed that this is one facet of how we’ve treated personal growth, I believe that on the whole the notion that we can change who we are has been good for us.
The fundamental issue is that humans suffer. We feel overwhelmed, lost, fearful, confused, alone, angry, sad, etc. This suffering has been compounded by a trend toward disconnection from our foundations. Overall, humans have less of an everyday connection to nature, spirituality, and other humans than in the past. So, there has always been a need for help, and this need has become more acute recently.
Meanwhile, there has also been a trend in the last several decades toward more open discussion on the human psyche, spirit, and potential. We’re freer than ever to speak about our thoughts and feelings, and we explore perspectives from other cultures. We’re more willing than previous generations to see things in a new way, update our customs, change careers, and become someone different than we’ve been. Thus, more than ever we have people who feel a calling to assist others in these ways. Do they deserve to be compensated for their help? I say yes.
The ubiquity of such helpers is a good thing. There are a lot of people needing help. Further, the prevalence of such guides has made everyone up their game. No longer is an exotic outfit or accent qualification enough to be a guru. Consumers are more savvy. And a wonderful byproduct of the expansion of the personal growth field is that it’s not limited to a particular socioeconomic class. There is an incredible abundance of free and cheap resources out there – articles, podcasts, books, videos, and support groups.
If you are able to work one-on-one with a coach you resonate with, there are lots of good reasons to do it:
Accountability: Often we don’t hold ourselves accountable for what we say we’re going to do and who we say we want to be. Having someone else to track us and remind us to stay on course is often all it takes for us to follow through.
Wisdom: A great coach has learned some things, and many can tap into a repository of wisdom that goes well beyond their personal experience.
Holding Space: A good coach knows how to hold a container in which their clients can safely experience whatever they’re struggling with, explore and unravel their challenges, and find their way to healing, growth, and evolution.
Seeing Your Patterns of Dysfunction: One of the most useful functions a coach can serve is pointing out what you can’t see, like the way you keep sabotaging good jobs, or how to don’t maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. We can’t fix what we don’t see.
Seeing Your Light: Often we have no problem seeing what’s “wrong” with us; the real hurdle is seeing what’s right. A good coach is there to point out your gifts, your value, your potential, and all the ways you’re managing with grace.
Hand Holding: While this is a role many a good friend has performed, it’s another thing coaches can do for us. Sometimes we know where we want to go, we know what we need to do, but we just feel intimidated. Having someone hold our hand through it may feel like a silly thing to ask for, but if it gets us to do what we’re here to do, it’s an invaluable service.
Wishing you the guide who will coax out your greatness,
Peter
[post_title] => Six Ways a Coach Can Help You Reach Your True Potential
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Every year we collect more and more stories from people who have used the Dreambook to achieve clarity about what kind of life they want to create and then made it a reality. Maybe because of the craziness of 2020, there’s been a big surge of interest in the book this year, so I decided to share a little about what makes it special.
In a time of such uncertainty, many of us tend to abandon long-term and even medium-term plans, just focusing instead on getting through each day. Unfortunately, this isn’t really the same as living in the present moment, and that’s where the richness of life dwells. If there were ever a time to live for the present, it’s now.
While the Dreambook is designed to help people with 1-year, 3-year, 10-year, and lifetime goals, our overarching intention is to help people enrich the journey rather than the destination. The journey is always happening, so it needs to be as full of the good stuff as we imagine the destination will be.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s discussion on washing the dishes is one of the most quoted passages on the topic of mindfulness, but I could hear it and share it a million times: “There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . . If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not ‘washing the dishes to wash the dishes.’ What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.”
The consequences of mindlessly washing the dishes may be minor, but what about the consequences of mindlessly eating, mindlessly doing our job, mindlessly playing with our kids, or mindlessly conversing with our partner? A life without our presence – because we’re just trying to get through it – is devoid of the magic, connection, and grace that make it worth living.
There are a number of ways to change this outcome-focused orientation. One of the most potent, which we share in the Dreambook, is identifying your life purpose.
When you have a purpose, you’re conscious that you’re serving a bigger function than meeting your own needs. When you’re “on purpose,” energy arises to support your work. Opportunities appear everywhere. And, most importantly, you spend more of your life right here, right now, alive and clear.
Various methods exist for determining your life purpose, but when it comes down to it, it’s a matter of intuiting what you’re meant to do, feeling it out, and choosing to pursue it. It’s okay if you later decide to modify that choice.
We have a more involved process in the Dreambook, but for today let’s see what comes to you with just a few minutes of contemplation. Grab a pen and paper and write a few sentences in response to these questions:
What times and places in your life have you felt you were making a meaningful contribution?
What inspires you?
What would people say your strengths are?
When/how do you feel called to serve humankind or the planet?
What are your highest values (e.g., kindness, generosity, honesty, service, integrity, beauty, etc.)?
Based on these responses, craft a statement that conveys how you intend to serve the world. Here are some examples:
- My purpose is to help people heal through creative expression.
- My life purpose is to build healthy communities.
- My purpose is to help people use their voices and awaken their power.
- My purpose is to facilitate playfulness in adults.
- My purpose is to teach people how to live in harmony with the environment.
- My purpose is to help people actualize their potential.
Don’t worry about getting the statement perfect on the first round. For now, choose a statement of life purpose and read it out loud and with intention. How does that feel? Ideally, making this statement should feel powerful and right, or as my friend Reuvain puts it, it should feel like a “Hell yeah!”. It might even give you goosebumps or tingles. If it feels a bit intimidating, that’s ok, too, as long as it also feels true.
If it doesn’t feel like a “hell yeah!” change some of the wording. Consider making it less specific. For instance, if a statement such as, “My purpose is to help children to become healthy adults by learning to process their emotions” doesn't feel as inspiring as you hoped, you could start by broadening it to something like, “My purpose is to help children process their emotions,” or even just, “My purpose is to help children.” Just get it as accurate as you can manage and then write it down. I recommend writing it in a special way on a nice piece of paper. Put it somewhere where you’ll see it and say it every morning.
More importantly, try to keep it in mind throughout your day, applying it as often as you can. Use the Dreambook to integrate it into your weekly planning process and your goals. You can also use the Habit Tracking function to help you remember and assess your progress.
What changes when you’re on purpose? Is it easier to make decisions? Do people respond differently to you? Is there more energy available? Consciously living your purpose is the only way to know if it’s right. As you live your purpose, you’ll get insights that will help you refine your purpose statement. I’d love to hear about your experience with this process.
Be well,
Peter
P.S. My life purpose to love, heal, and awaken myself and the world. I hope I’ve served that purpose today!
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Years ago, a woman in her 70s came to see me with a long list of health problems. It seemed there was something wrong with almost every area of her life. As I listened to sound of defeat in her voice as she described the misery she was experiencing, I noticed myself think, “What a mess.” And I realized I was feeling her misery in myself, in my own body.
I also realized I was helping to perpetuate her situation. I know we’re crossing into woo-woo territory here, but hear me out. Built into virtually any longstanding pain or health problem is a secondary factor – one’s resistance to the experience. The resistance can both magnify the issue and cause it to become more firmly anchored in us. And even though she probably wasn’t conscious of it, I was validating that resistance by sending a subtle negative communication: “I resist your problems, too. I’m uncomfortable just imagining what your life is like. And just as you don’t accept this facet of your experience, neither do I.”
At the time I was studying a form of healing called Sat Nam Rasayan which entails the healer entering a meditative state wherein any sense of separation or resistance disappears. As one welcomes all perception, internal and external – thoughts, smells, sounds, feelings, tastes, images, etc. – an experience of equalization occurs. The “quiet” perceptions – a hidden thought, the air moving across one’s skin, a distant scent – come up in volume. And the “loud” perceptions – a prominent thought, a fire engine passing by, a sharp pain, a strongly scented detergent – come down in volume. All things meet in the middle, in an experience of deeply peaceful, neutral oneness, and there, healing happens.
So, when I noticed my resistance to this woman’s story, I relaxed. I accepted all of her and I accepted the feelings that arose in me as she spoke, and all the others in the room, from the sun streaming through the skylight to the ticking of the clock to the feeling of my clothes on my body, plus numerous other smells, thoughts, tastes, and feelings. I allowed it all to equalize into a sort of perceptual flatline, and I experienced a sense of expansion of the space within and around us.
And then she changed.
She stopped talking for a moment, blinked, and took a deep breath. Then her voice had a different, stronger quality to it as she said, “You know, I’m going to get healthy again. Tell me what to do.”
Usually I restrain myself from prescribing a total life overhaul because it’s simply too much for most people to implement at once. And if they dive in and then fail, it may hurt their ability to trust themselves and undermine future efforts toward healthy change. But in this case, I felt daring. I laid out all the things I thought she should change, from diet to sleep to her relationship with her adult children.
Months passed and she didn’t return. I wondered if my treatment didn’t work, or if I pushed her too hard, or if she had died. Hey, sometimes that’s just where your mind goes. Anyway, eventually, I saw her name in the appointment book and I was eager to hear what happened.
It was one of the most dramatic transformations I’ve ever seen in a patient. She was a new woman. Her eyes were clear and sharp, her voice was strong, she sat up straight and looked confident and youthful. I asked her, “Were you able to make any of the changes I recommended?”
“All of them,” she replied.
And that was pretty much that. I saw her a few more times for minor things, but she just didn’t need me. Of course, we can assume that her own actions were instrumental in her healing, but I tell you, everything shifted when I chose to hold her differently.
Since then, I try to avoid mirroring people’s resistance back to them. I feel the angst of their struggle with unwanted experiences and I work to accept the whole individual, allowing their state to equalize into the broader field of my awareness. I can’t say I always succeed at this or that the result is always miraculous when I do. In fact, I’ve found it’s best not to do it for the result. I just do it because there’s no point in resisting. And because I’d rather see people as I believe they really are – not victims of their circumstances, but powerful and perfect, and temporarily confused about who and what they really are.
So, let’s try some more equalization this week. Notice your resistance. Notice others’ resistance. As you perceive it, broaden your perception to include more and more of your total mental and multisensory experience, allowing the field to equalize. Allowing the subtle to come up and the noisy to settle down, everything evening into a still neutrality. Then share your experience here, if you feel like it.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
P.S. If you missed my first article on equalization last week, you can click here to read it.
P.P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about this and other approaches for resolving pain of all kinds, check out my new online course, Live Pain Free.
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