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Numerous members of the Dragontree community have told us they’re dealing with a lot of anxiety these days, and it happens to be something I’m very familiar with. I think my half-Jewish DNA blessed me with a substantial dose of fear and paranoia. Although there have been plenty of times I wished I weren’t wired this way, I’ve worked through it enough to recognize that many good things have come out of it – including that it has allowed me to help many others with anxiety.
I’ve found that there’s no single approach that works for everyone, so I like to give people a few things to try together, and I’ll share some of these today. A good place to start is with an understanding of how our survival mechanisms work – and malfunction.
Most of us had our first taste of intense fear in childhood and it made a strong impression on us. The feeling itself is often as memorable as whatever it was trying to warn us about. After a few incidents in which a strong feeling of fear accompanied a situation in which we had a strong desire to avoid an unpleasant outcome – e.g., getting hurt or losing something or someone, perhaps our own life – we began to trust fear.
“Why would I be feeling this way,” the mind rationalizes, “if there weren’t something bad about to happen?” Fear is the emotional mechanism our survival instinct uses to get our attention and to cause us to prioritize security above all else. It makes sense that fear feels bad, that it jars us, that it causes us to react without thinking – and that, since it arises when big things seem to be at stake, it’s trustworthy. It’s not.
Our trust in fear began at an age when we didn’t know how to discern whether or not it was legitimate. It turns out much of the time that fear is aroused by our survival mechanisms, it’s misinformed and exaggerated. Just think of all the times you’ve gotten scared about something that turned out to be nothing. We even feel fear while sitting safely on our couch, reading or watching a story in which a fictional character is threatened.
For most people with anxiety, fear is an error nearly 100% of the time. We just got into the bad habit of letting it take over whenever it arises. Breaking a habit takes work, but anyone can do it. When it comes to anxiety this means, as often as possible, doing something different than usual when you feel fearful.
1) Slow down and deepen your breathing. The mind follows the breath, so slower, deeper breathing – especially with a long exhale – will slow down your mind and open up space in your consciousness so you can notice and question this feeling without being at its mercy. Let your inhale go all the way down to fill up your pelvic bowl, and let the edgy feeling pour out of you on the exhale.
2) Turn toward it with curiosity and bravery. Fear goes hand-in-hand with the fight-flight-freeze reaction. That is, we tend to fight it (resist it, hate it, throw everything at it, spend all our savings on toilet paper, etc.), run away from it (any of various avoidance mechanisms, including getting on our devices or moving to a bunker), or freeze (become physically and/or mentally immobilized). These are all animalistic reactions; we can be smarter and braver. Instead of letting the feeling run you, get interested in it. It’s just a feeling. Examine it. What is this thing? What triggered it? What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it sound like?
3) Don’t resist it. While meeting the feeling with bravery and curiosity, can you soften yourself in relation to it? What if you just let the feeling be here without fighting it? What if you even invite it to stay? What if you allow yourself to feel it with total willingness? Resistance makes fear stronger. You’ve probably heard “What you resist persists,” but maybe you haven’t heard the corollary: “A feeling fully felt finally fades.” The moment you say, “Bring it on,” it changes.
4) Turn the relationship around. When you have one or more intensely anxious experiences it’s easy to develop an aversion to fear. You may find yourself experiencing it as a monster that’s chasing you, which you need to destroy or run away from. But as soon as you run, you define the relationship. You make fear bad. You make yourself a victim. You relinquish your power.
When you start chasing it instead, it stops controlling you. Tell it, “I will find you. I will learn all of your appearances, all of your hiding places,” and you’ll stop fearing fear.
I know these are uncertain times. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. But I promise you, whatever happens, certain things will still be here. Love will still be here. Grace will still be here. Kindness will still be here. Peace will still be here.
I hope these different ways of relating to anxiety are helpful for you. Next time we’ll look at broader self-care strategies for “down-regulating” your nervous system.
I’m honored to help however I can,
Dr. Peter Borten
P.S
If you need extra support, I've crafted our
Anxiety-Relief tincture to do just that.
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Every year we collect more and more stories from people who have used the Dreambook to achieve clarity about what kind of life they want to create and then made it a reality. Maybe because of the craziness of 2020, there’s been a big surge of interest in the book this year, so I decided to share a little about what makes it special.
In a time of such uncertainty, many of us tend to abandon long-term and even medium-term plans, just focusing instead on getting through each day. Unfortunately, this isn’t really the same as living in the present moment, and that’s where the richness of life dwells. If there were ever a time to live for the present, it’s now.
While the Dreambook is designed to help people with 1-year, 3-year, 10-year, and lifetime goals, our overarching intention is to help people enrich the journey rather than the destination. The journey is always happening, so it needs to be as full of the good stuff as we imagine the destination will be.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s discussion on washing the dishes is one of the most quoted passages on the topic of mindfulness, but I could hear it and share it a million times: “There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . . If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not ‘washing the dishes to wash the dishes.’ What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.”
The consequences of mindlessly washing the dishes may be minor, but what about the consequences of mindlessly eating, mindlessly doing our job, mindlessly playing with our kids, or mindlessly conversing with our partner? A life without our presence – because we’re just trying to get through it – is devoid of the magic, connection, and grace that make it worth living.
There are a number of ways to change this outcome-focused orientation. One of the most potent, which we share in the Dreambook, is identifying your life purpose.
When you have a purpose, you’re conscious that you’re serving a bigger function than meeting your own needs. When you’re “on purpose,” energy arises to support your work. Opportunities appear everywhere. And, most importantly, you spend more of your life right here, right now, alive and clear.
Various methods exist for determining your life purpose, but when it comes down to it, it’s a matter of intuiting what you’re meant to do, feeling it out, and choosing to pursue it. It’s okay if you later decide to modify that choice.
We have a more involved process in the Dreambook, but for today let’s see what comes to you with just a few minutes of contemplation. Grab a pen and paper and write a few sentences in response to these questions:
What times and places in your life have you felt you were making a meaningful contribution?
What inspires you?
What would people say your strengths are?
When/how do you feel called to serve humankind or the planet?
What are your highest values (e.g., kindness, generosity, honesty, service, integrity, beauty, etc.)?
Based on these responses, craft a statement that conveys how you intend to serve the world. Here are some examples:
- My purpose is to help people heal through creative expression.
- My life purpose is to build healthy communities.
- My purpose is to help people use their voices and awaken their power.
- My purpose is to facilitate playfulness in adults.
- My purpose is to teach people how to live in harmony with the environment.
- My purpose is to help people actualize their potential.
Don’t worry about getting the statement perfect on the first round. For now, choose a statement of life purpose and read it out loud and with intention. How does that feel? Ideally, making this statement should feel powerful and right, or as my friend Reuvain puts it, it should feel like a “Hell yeah!”. It might even give you goosebumps or tingles. If it feels a bit intimidating, that’s ok, too, as long as it also feels true.
If it doesn’t feel like a “hell yeah!” change some of the wording. Consider making it less specific. For instance, if a statement such as, “My purpose is to help children to become healthy adults by learning to process their emotions” doesn't feel as inspiring as you hoped, you could start by broadening it to something like, “My purpose is to help children process their emotions,” or even just, “My purpose is to help children.” Just get it as accurate as you can manage and then write it down. I recommend writing it in a special way on a nice piece of paper. Put it somewhere where you’ll see it and say it every morning.
More importantly, try to keep it in mind throughout your day, applying it as often as you can. Use the Dreambook to integrate it into your weekly planning process and your goals. You can also use the Habit Tracking function to help you remember and assess your progress.
What changes when you’re on purpose? Is it easier to make decisions? Do people respond differently to you? Is there more energy available? Consciously living your purpose is the only way to know if it’s right. As you live your purpose, you’ll get insights that will help you refine your purpose statement. I’d love to hear about your experience with this process.
Be well,
Peter
P.S. My life purpose to love, heal, and awaken myself and the world. I hope I’ve served that purpose today!
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"The place of wood is to grow upward towards the fire element. It's always trying to reach the sun."
How will you grow and move past the obstacles in your way? Leave a comment below and let us know.
[post_title] => Talking Wellness with Dr. Peter Borten: The Wood Element (video)
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Numerous members of the Dragontree community have told us they’re dealing with a lot of anxiety these days, and it happens to be something I’m very familiar with. I think my half-Jewish DNA blessed me with a substantial dose of fear and paranoia. Although there have been plenty of times I wished I weren’t wired this way, I’ve worked through it enough to recognize that many good things have come out of it – including that it has allowed me to help many others with anxiety.
I’ve found that there’s no single approach that works for everyone, so I like to give people a few things to try together, and I’ll share some of these today. A good place to start is with an understanding of how our survival mechanisms work – and malfunction.
Most of us had our first taste of intense fear in childhood and it made a strong impression on us. The feeling itself is often as memorable as whatever it was trying to warn us about. After a few incidents in which a strong feeling of fear accompanied a situation in which we had a strong desire to avoid an unpleasant outcome – e.g., getting hurt or losing something or someone, perhaps our own life – we began to trust fear.
“Why would I be feeling this way,” the mind rationalizes, “if there weren’t something bad about to happen?” Fear is the emotional mechanism our survival instinct uses to get our attention and to cause us to prioritize security above all else. It makes sense that fear feels bad, that it jars us, that it causes us to react without thinking – and that, since it arises when big things seem to be at stake, it’s trustworthy. It’s not.
Our trust in fear began at an age when we didn’t know how to discern whether or not it was legitimate. It turns out much of the time that fear is aroused by our survival mechanisms, it’s misinformed and exaggerated. Just think of all the times you’ve gotten scared about something that turned out to be nothing. We even feel fear while sitting safely on our couch, reading or watching a story in which a fictional character is threatened.
For most people with anxiety, fear is an error nearly 100% of the time. We just got into the bad habit of letting it take over whenever it arises. Breaking a habit takes work, but anyone can do it. When it comes to anxiety this means, as often as possible, doing something different than usual when you feel fearful.
1) Slow down and deepen your breathing. The mind follows the breath, so slower, deeper breathing – especially with a long exhale – will slow down your mind and open up space in your consciousness so you can notice and question this feeling without being at its mercy. Let your inhale go all the way down to fill up your pelvic bowl, and let the edgy feeling pour out of you on the exhale.
2) Turn toward it with curiosity and bravery. Fear goes hand-in-hand with the fight-flight-freeze reaction. That is, we tend to fight it (resist it, hate it, throw everything at it, spend all our savings on toilet paper, etc.), run away from it (any of various avoidance mechanisms, including getting on our devices or moving to a bunker), or freeze (become physically and/or mentally immobilized). These are all animalistic reactions; we can be smarter and braver. Instead of letting the feeling run you, get interested in it. It’s just a feeling. Examine it. What is this thing? What triggered it? What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it sound like?
3) Don’t resist it. While meeting the feeling with bravery and curiosity, can you soften yourself in relation to it? What if you just let the feeling be here without fighting it? What if you even invite it to stay? What if you allow yourself to feel it with total willingness? Resistance makes fear stronger. You’ve probably heard “What you resist persists,” but maybe you haven’t heard the corollary: “A feeling fully felt finally fades.” The moment you say, “Bring it on,” it changes.
4) Turn the relationship around. When you have one or more intensely anxious experiences it’s easy to develop an aversion to fear. You may find yourself experiencing it as a monster that’s chasing you, which you need to destroy or run away from. But as soon as you run, you define the relationship. You make fear bad. You make yourself a victim. You relinquish your power.
When you start chasing it instead, it stops controlling you. Tell it, “I will find you. I will learn all of your appearances, all of your hiding places,” and you’ll stop fearing fear.
I know these are uncertain times. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. But I promise you, whatever happens, certain things will still be here. Love will still be here. Grace will still be here. Kindness will still be here. Peace will still be here.
I hope these different ways of relating to anxiety are helpful for you. Next time we’ll look at broader self-care strategies for “down-regulating” your nervous system.
I’m honored to help however I can,
Dr. Peter Borten
P.S
If you need extra support, I've crafted our
Anxiety-Relief tincture to do just that.
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I’m in the middle of “Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine” and slowly going through “The Well Life.”
I love that you’re reading with your daughter, it warms this children’s librarian’s heart. You all might like this year’s Newbery winner, “The Girl Who Drank the Moon.” There are so many wonderful books for that age. We’re really in a golden age for middle grade books.
Thanks, Erica! I’ll check out that book.
Those sound wonderful!
I’m reading Gary Kasparov’s WINTER IS COMING (amazing), and next up? Grann’s KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON: The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI.
Then I have to finish three books (that I’m writing)–but I have the next year of sabbatical to do it! 🙂
College textbook of New Mexico history first up, then a revision of BETWEEN BREATHS: A TEACHER IN THE ALASKAN BUSH is next 🙂
Thanks for the recommendations – and enthusiasm!
I have a nine year old girl as well. We read Where the Mountain Meets the Moon, Starry River of the Sky and When the Sea Turned to Silver, all written by Grace Lin. Very powerful messages, delightful fantasy, suspense, and glimpses into Chinese culture made these books that we re-read multiple times.
Thanks, Paula. We LOVED Where the Mountain Meets the Moon. I haven’t read Lin’s other books, but now I’m inspired to check them out.
I’m reading Love Warrior, too! I attended the International Women’s Summit in early May and Glennon Doyle Melton was one of the speakers. I am on chapter three and totally in love with her book. I feel myself healing bit by bit with every turn of a page.
I am constantly rereading The Well Life. I love your book! My copy is well used. It has many colors of highlighter, sticky notes, dog eared pages and scribbled notes of my own. I bought it by accident via amazon. I was trying to buy the planner and I didn’t pay attention when I selected it. I am so glad that “mistake” turned into my book of the year for 2017! Thank you so much!